The Nanny s01e10 Episode Script

I'm so excited we're gonna get to meet Mister Sheffield's nanny.
He must have been so cute as a baby in his little pram with his little silver pacifier and his little three-piece diaper.
Oh yes, he was a little stinker.
I remember his first word: Niles! Niles! We're gonna have to work on his vocabulary.
Niles, Niles, there you are.
I want you standing by.
Standing by what, sir? / Me.
I want everything perfect for Nanny.
All right, girls, let's get your curtseys.
No, no, no.
Backs straight.
I'm getting the feeling he's done that before.
Niles, that's the doorbell.
Oh, sir, I would be lost without you.
Nanny Mueller! Oh, Maxwell, my liebchen.
Look how handsome you've become.
You're the image of your father at that age.
He had a head of hair just like yours, and then one day, Kojak.
Nanny, you look wonderful.
I'd like you to meet / No, not another word.
I feel as if I know them.
You must be Margaret.
/ No, I'm Grace.
Well, if somebody sent me a snapshot once in a while, maybe I would know them.
I'm Maggie, Nanny Mueller.
/ Well, button up, dear.
If Victoria can keep her secrets, so can you.
And, Brighton you call this a handshake? What are you, a man or a fish? Actually, I'm a Pisces.
You, young man, I will be watching.
All right, Maxwell, I'm impressed.
You obviously found yourself a proper nanny to rear the children.
Brighton, what did you put down the toilet? It's all stuffed up.
Oh, you're here already? Hello.
Who is this person, the plumber? Nanny Mueller, I'd like you to meet Fran Fine, the nanny.
Nice to meet you.
Niles, take the woman's coat.
She's got a sweat moustache.
Oops, my mistake.
Well, your home is charming.
It amazes me what you've been able to do, Maxwell.
And all from putting on your little plays.
Oh, they're not so little.
He lost over a million on the last one.
So, tell me, Margaret, you plan to go on the stage? Uh, no, I don't think so.
Oh, well, then we don't need to be made up like a showgirl, do we? So, Nanny Mueller, how was your passage? Well, the Q.
E.
Two is always splendid, but the food has fallen off a bit.
Go eat on a boat.
I took the kids on the Staten Island Ferry; I swear half-a-hotdog and we're pulling whiskers out of our teeth.
Sausage, anyone? Miss Fine, is it? Which agency exactly was it that arranged for your position here? Oh, I didn't come through an agency.
Mister Sheffield hired me right off the street.
Well, it's not like it sounds.
I tried her out for the weekend first.
So, Nanny Mueller, how long are you planning on staying? A week? Or so.
It's the "or so" I'm worried about.
Miss Fine, you know, in my day, the nanny always sat in the kitchen with the rest of the staff.
Well, those days are over.
You just sit right here with us.
Make yourself at home.
I see you have, at the table and out of uniform.
Oh, here in America we're a little less formal.
When in Rome, Fraulein Well, I think I have just about enough I'll show her to her room.
/ [Speaks German-goodnight.
.]
Goodnight.
/ Goodnight.
Sleep tight.
Nice meeting you.
She hates my guts.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
No, it's just that youWell, you are somewhat of a of an acquired taste Like sushi.
Sushi.
Leave it to the Japanese to invent a restaurant where you don't have to cook.
And we wonder why we're behind.
You're looking very fit, Nilesy.
Oh, Clara, then you do remember me.
How could I forget you.
The butler's son, a callow youth, just beginning in service? And you, the experienced older woman.
I was all of twenty-two.
Okay, thirty-two.
And yet I learned so much from you.
Let's review.
A little fluff, a little tease, and you look just like my mother.
I was hoping for Michele Pfiefer.
/ Yeah, so was my mother.
Brighton, you lost all your checkers.
You always lose everything.
Not everything.
I'm still stuck with you.
Oh, shut-up.
/ You shut-up.
Shut-up, Brighton.
/ Will you all shut-up? Here, use the cookies.
That way you can eat your winnings.
But all the cookies are black.
What? All right, here.
Now they're not.
Now, what color polish for your nails, Miss Pfiefer? Little girls should not paint the face or the fingers.
We do not want to look like show / Oh, hello, Nanny Mueller.
Well, our little regular Hogan Hero.
He's great with impressions.
He does me, too.
Do me, do me.
Oy.
We do not do our hair in the kitchen.
And we do not belong on the counter.
We are not a teapot.
Sometimes I am.
This is my handle, this is my spout.
That's an American thing.
Brighton, are you eating sweets between meals? I have to.
I jumped her.
Miss Fine, you allow this? I don't make the rules.
If he jumped her, he jumped her.
Proper children don't play with their food.
Then I better go get the tater-tots out of my toy box.
He reminds me of his father at this age.
We sent him away to boarding school.
Knocked that smart aleck shtick right out of him.
Oh, boarding school? Poor Mister Sheffield.
I couldn't make it through one night of sleep-away camp.
I mean, what kind of a sadist puts a bunch of kids into a tent after feeding them franks and beans? The bears didn't know what hit 'em.
All right, fine.
Goodbye.
My mother will not listen to reason.
She's taking a trip to the Orient and every time she travels alone she picks up some gigolo who spends all of her money.
Oh, I can see why you're concerned.
/ Darn right.
It's my inheritance.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Yeah, just a moment.
C.
C.
? Is it my mother, B.
B.
? / Sister.
D.
D.
! They save a fortune in engraving.
Uh, Mister Sheffield, you got a minute? I really wanna talk to you about your Nanny Mueller.
Is there a problem? Well, it's just that it gets a little confusing for the kids when I say one thing and she says another.
/ Such as? Oh, you know, I say tomato, she says tomata.
I say potato, she says Miss Fine Well, since you asked, Maggie is upset because Nanny Mueller took away all her make-up.
Which kind of upsets me because most of it was mine.
Well, she is only fourteen.
/ And every time Brighton cracks a joke, she's sending him off to boarding school.
Which, if you ask me, at his age, could screw any kid up for life.
I was sent away to Eaton at precisely his age.
/ Uh-huh.
Miss Fine, considering your limited experience in this field, maybe you should take advantage of this visit.
Pick up a few tips from an old pro.
Well, who is she, Arnold Palmer? She happens to be a highly trained, highly skilled professional nanny, and has been for the last forty years.
Well, meanwhile she's scaring Gracie to death with those stories about that fat bear that can't even get through the doorway every time he has a decent meal.
Are you talking about Winnie the Pooh? / Yeah, him.
And who in his right mind would call a boy Winnie, let alone the Pooh? Most children love those stories.
Far be it for me to pooh-pooh the Pooh, but in case you haven't noticed, Gracie is not most children.
She likes a good thriller.
We're right in the middle of The Firm.
What's the matter, Nanny Fine? Nanny Mueller giving you a run for your money? You got a piece of parsley right over there.
For heaven's sake, I think Nanny Mueller is marvelous.
She reminds me of my nanny.
Bobo.
Bobo? Oy, were all you blue bloods raised by nannies? What were your parents doing? I don't really know.
/ I have no idea.
Knock, knock.
I got a surprise for you.
Children! Well, if it isn't the Von Sap family.
I had a sailor suit just like that.
Parsley's over here now.
Fran, I can't go outside in this.
Somebody'll kick my butt.
Sweetheart, I'd kick your butt.
Excuse me.
I mean, who does she think she is criticizing my kids? They're happy, normal kids.
Gracie, stop staring up at the sun.
You know, last night I found Eduardo in bed with my sister.
Twenty years I've given that man.
[Speaks Spanish.
.]
Lupey, Lupey, Lupey, we dealt with your problems last week.
Can I get a little support here? Meanwhile, that Mueller's got those kids dressed like Huey, Louie and Dewey.
And she's got the nerve to want me to wear a uniform.
Like I'd be caught dead in one of those.
Well, on you guys it looks great.
And I guess those hairy legs are a big hit in Europe, too.
Francine, don't forget the cardinal rule.
Never come between a man and his nanny.
You won't win.
You're right, you're right.
I seen it happen a hundred times.
She's after your job.
/ It happened to me.
She flew in on a broomstick and just tried to take over.
But I wouldn't put up with it, and I went straight to Mister MacKenzie and told him so.
But you don't work for the MacKenzies.
/ Exactly.
Since I retired, I cover the world visiting my children.
But I saved the best for last.
Oh, Nanny Mueller, please.
Do go on.
So, Maxwell was always your favorite? / He was my chubby little cherub.
He used to roll around the garden without a stitch of clothing on, run, run, run.
Nanny Mueller / Well, you did.
He had the cutest bottom.
Like two shiny little cling peaches.
Well, that's more than I've ever wanted to know about Dad.
I am so glad I stayed for dinner.
There's something positively delightful about this evening.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
/ Where's Miss Fine? Oh, that's it.
I'm sorry I'm late, but it's hell finding white shoes in winter.
The hat was easy, Howard Johnson's.
Children, it's not polite to stare.
Miss Fine, you, you look like aa nanny.
/ Yes, that's it.
I just didn't put it together.
I don't want to disturb you.
I just thought I'd take my dinner and eat it in the kitchen, where I belong.
Miss Fine, please don't be so silly.
Come and join us.
No, no.
The kitchen is where a proper nanny eats.
Maggie, shut your mouth.
We are not a Pez dispenser.
Nanny Mueller, it's amazing what you've done with Miss Fine.
Oh, that's nothing.
I had a Schnauzer once that gave me more trouble.
Nanny, are you comparing Miss Fine to a dog? Not at all.
Schnauzer had a pedigree.
Don't mind me.
I just need a little salt.
Just a pinch.
I'll leave the shaker, on the table, with the family, in the dining room.
You got a little In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can / Miss fine.
Yes, Mister Sheffield, sir? Take off that uniform.
/ Oh, Mister Sheffield Why are you wearing this ridiculous get-up and acting in this ridiculous way? I'm just trying to be the proper nanny.
But if I wanted a proper nanny, I never would have hired you.
/ Thanks.
You know what I mean.
You're, you're unconventional.
You have no professional training.
You look ludicrous in that uniform.
When do we get to the good part? / But despite the gaps in your resume, the children adore you.
You make them very happy.
You make us all very happy.
I try.
So does that mean my job's not in jeopardy? No more than usual.
/ Oh, I'm gonna give that Lupey such a zap.
MissNanny Mueller has turned this household upside down.
What am I gonna do? Well, this is just off the top of my head, but why don't we run this up a flagpole? Tell her to leave.
I can't just turn her out.
She raised me for heaven sakes! I feel so guilty.
Oh, you wouldn't understand.
I wouldn't understand guilt? My people invented it, but we made up for it with the Salt vaccine and Streissand.
Please.
I suppose you're right.
I should just tell her to go.
UnlessDo you really think she's that bad? Did you see The Hand That Rocked The Cradle? She was the technical advisor.
What's that? / Niles.
Nanny Mueller.
Niles and Nanny Mueller A little custard pudding, Clara? Why not? We've earned it.
Niles, you / Oh, Clara I can't believe it.
Niles? Now we know what they meant by 'the butler did it.
' Nanny Mueller having, having Pudding.
And with Niles.
Yeah, well, she's a big girl.
I'm sure she's had plenty of pudding with plenty of people.
Oh, please, I can't think of her like that.
I know.
It's like thinking about your parents having sex.
Thank God mine never did.
Niles, coffee.
/ Oh, thank you, sir.
I could use a cup.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, good morning, everyone.
/ Morning.
Niles.
/ Nanny Mueller.
How did you sleep? Like a little baby.
And you? / Quite well.
I think we all slept very well.
/ Actually, I didn't.
I kept hearing things that go bump in the night.
Thank you, Niles.
I'm famished.
The woman is insatiable.
I see you're back at table, and out of uniform, Miss Fine.
Maxwell, you might want a word with her.
I think he wants a word with you.
Mister Sheffield.
Maxwell.
Yes, well, Nanny your visit has been wonderful, but like all good things Oh, yes, Maxwell, I never been so happy since the day that you fell in the duck pond.
I pull you out, I breathe life back into your little limp body.
OhNow what you want to tell me? Oh, uh, look at the time.
I've got a tennis game.
Excuse me.
Oh, Mister Sheffield, you forgot your balls.
Miss Fine That's Nanny Fine.
That is a title that must be earned.
All right, maybe I haven't been a nanny as long as you.
But in case you haven't noticed, Mister Sheffield is all grown up.
He doesn't need a nanny anymore.
I'm the nanny here now, these are my kids, and well, it's time for you to go.
You might think they're your kids, but they're not.
You'll find out, if you last as long as I have.
Kids grow up, go on their way.
You go on to another family, and you love them, too.
'Cause you can't help it.
And on and on until one day you find yourself with a lifetime of love to give and no one to take it.
Oh, Nanny Mueller, oh Nanny? Nanny Mueller Maxwell? Clara, as you can see, I'm all grown up now.
My children have a nanny, and I think it's time for you to go.
Don't you dare talk to your nanny like that.
What? / Apologize.
But, but / You heard me.
Apologizesir.
I'm, I'm sorry, Nanny.
I forgive you, Maxwell.
Nanny knows you've been under a lot of strain.
Yes.
Yes.
A lot of strain.
I, I, that's it.
I've been under a lot of strain.
Kids.
We nannies have got to stick together.
We're like sisters.
Then I can stay? Not on your life.
Goodbye, children.
Oh, take good care of your father.
Okay.
Maxwell Goodbye, Nanny.
Oh, oh Goodbye, Niles.
/ It's been a pleasure having you.
Children, see if you can find Miss Fine, would you? Here I am, here I am.
Do you think I'd let her go without saying goodbye? What have you done to your uniform? You like? / I love.
Wonderbar.
You make one for me in my size, six.
Okay, twelve.
All your bags are in the car, Nanny Mueller.
We'll just swing around and pick-up Mother and then the two of you will be off.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I've always wanted to see Japan.
And I have you to thank for that, MissNanny Fine.
Oh, well you just have a good time.
And watch out for those gigolos.
Or maybe they should watch out for you.
Oh, I take good care of my little C.
C.
's mommy.
I love you, Nanny Mueller.
Oh, come now.
You're really too much, sweetheart.
Get up, up.
[Speaks German.
.]
Bye, Nanny.
/ Bye Goodbye, Nanny Mueller.
Wonderful idea of yours putting Nanny Mueller together with C.
C.
's mother.
Look, I want Nanny Mueller to have a life, just not mine.
Oh, let me just get out of this uniform.
Oh, no rush.
Oh, Mister Sheffield.