The Nanny s03e12 Episode Script

Maggie! Tilt your head.
Can I vacuum in there yet? You know, I think there's more than enough suction going on in that room.
Why don't you give them some privacy? Niles, I'm performing a very important function.
I'm watching out for her father.
Yeah.
The minute Mr.
Sheffield comes walking through that front door, I'll just shift right into my nanny schtik.
"Maggie, you're too young, yada, yada.
" Wow! Would you look at the way she tilts her head? You know, I taught her that.
Gee, Niles, that Abdominizer I bought you is really paying off.
Not that your body could ever compare with Mr.
Sheffield's.
He's so handsome and young.
What are we ever gonna do with that girl? She's completely out of control.
Maybe I should hire another nanny to watch her.
Well, you know, that would really free me up a lot to Miss Fine! Look, I'm very concerned about Margaret.
She has three weeks of winter vacation coming up, and I don't want her spending the entire time on that couch kissing some boy.
Oh, why don't you do what my father did when I entered my make-out years? - Huh? - He walked into the den and he spliced into the neighbor's cable.
And? I don't know.
We haven't seen him since.
Miss Fine! Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, she's going to be 17.
I mean, all she's doing is kissing.
It's not as if she's running out of the house to meet some wild drifter who's picking her up on a motorcycle.
Got to go.
That's my date.
If you still haven't made any plans for your Christmas vacation, you're welcome to join me and Daddy.
Oh, well, uh, you know, Mom, as tempting as a bus tour of Florida dinner theaters sounds, I don't think I could stand the thrill of seeing the Ropers do Love Letters.
Oh, JJ Walker's gonna be in Six Degrees of Separation.
It's not too late to change your mind.
The review says it's dynamite.
- Oh, Niles.
- Huh? It's so hard planning a vacation when you're a single.
Yes.
It's so much nicer when you have a family so you can lug their ski equipment around Vail.
Sit around the fire listening to "Niles, get me a brandy.
Niles, bring me a comforter.
"Niles, go out in that blizzard for a pizza!" - Niles.
- What is that on your shoe, sir? Let me get that for you.
There you are, sir.
Much better, sir.
Merry Christmas, sir.
Miss Fine.
Miss Fine, I've I've made a decision.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I simply can't risk Margaret spending her whole winter vacation with that boy, so I'm sending her abroad.
A broad? You want her swinging that way? Miss Fine, I'm serious.
I'm sending her away for three weeks.
You're sending her away from her family on the holidays? Uh-huh.
She's going to Switzerland.
Just her and her nanny? Alone.
I'm sending her to a convent where she can learn French, arts, and European history.
Wow-wee! That sounds more boring than I can even fathom.
And I'm actually considering sitting through a bunch of bad plays where the only dialog I'm gonna hear is the audience going, "What'd he say?" I don't care how much Margaret protests.
I'm her father, and what I say goes.
So talk her into it, would you? Me? Yeah.
And try to phrase it carefully.
I don't want to come off like an ogre.
Oh, don't worry.
You're not gonna be an ogre.
I'll protect you.
Well, the ogre saw you sucking face with Eric.
Now he wants to send you to a nunnery in the Swiss Alps.
A convent? What am I supposed to do there? Learn French.
I guess he didn't see what I saw.
Oh, honey, a convent might not be that bad.
I got two words for you.
Sound of Music.
I mean, in two hours, Maria managed to ditch the nuns, marry a gorgeous captain, sell the movie rights, and never have to schlep up another mountain again.
Oh, come on, Fran, would you go if you were me? Honey, you know, going away by yourself could be a great thing.
When I was your age, I spent an entire summer on a kibbutz in Israel, and I had the time of my life.
A kibbutz? Is that like one of those communes in the '60s? Well, sort of.
Except the only thing we smoked was fish.
Oh, yeah.
But if I go, Eric will meet another girl.
Oh, no, he won't.
You just tell him that if he cheats on you, you're gonna know just by looking at him.
Who'd be stupid enough to believe that? Guys.
Well, I propose we shut up the office on the 15th.
No one important is ever around for the holidays.
You staying in town again, C.
C.
? No.
This year I'm getting as far away from this place as possible.
Oh, Santa got my letter.
What about you, Niles? What are your plans? Aren't we going to Vail? No, old man.
This year you're on your own.
I am? Yes.
Why don't you take a nice vacation just for yourself? Oh, please, the lost Marx brother, Cheapo? Are you suggesting I'm frugal? Well, you have to admit, old man, I I know what I pay you, and you're not spending it on your wardrobe, eh? Oh, come on, Niles, you never break a buck.
You live in Maxwell's house, you eat his food.
Nanny Fine got you that Flowbee so you could cut your own hair.
Where do you stash your cash? Somewhere you'll never get near.
Oh.
Your mattress.
No.
His.
Merry Christmas, Mr.
Sheffield.
Maggie's going to a convent so your round, young virgin will stay that way.
Miss Fine, I don't know how to thank you.
Oh, you'll think of something.
Fifth floor at Saks, Ralph Lauren leather goods.
Ask for Sadie.
I put it on hold.
Oh, Daddy, I am so excited about my trip.
And I owe it all to Fran.
Oh, stop.
No.
I mean, I was against it at first, but then she really talked me into it.
Stop.
I can't wait to go on a kibbutz in Israel.
Stop! What the devil is all this about a kibbutz? Oh, honey, I think you misunderstood our little conversation.
No.
No.
I remember.
You said that dad was an ogre and No! No! No! No! I said okra.
Okra was what we planted on the kibbutz.
That must have been where you got your wires crossed.
Well, whatever.
Anyways, I've got to go kiss Eric goodbye.
Oh, Fran, you were so right.
When you tilt your head Honey, honey, look, if you're going on a kibbutz, start letting the hair on your legs grow out.
You know, it's amazing.
Every time I ask you to do something, you always manage to screw it all up! And yet, you continue to ask me.
You need help, mister.
There's no way on earth Margaret is going to a kibbutz unchaperoned at her age.
Why? My mother let me go when I was a teenager.
Oh, you must have been quite a piece of work back then.
God only knows how you managed to scam her into that one.
You know, you are so wrong.
My mother and I had a very open relationship.
So, Val, here's the scam that we tell my mother.
The kibbutz is completely chaperoned.
There are no gorgeous, shirtless Israeli guys.
And we're only there to absorb the rich and wonderful culture of our people.
Got it.
Fran, why does your mother have to put the yoghurt in the freezer? That's her new invention, frozen yoghurt.
Oh, parents are so stupid.
Oh, Fran, look who's on Virginia Graham.
That really cool guy from The Blue Lagoon.
Mmm, he is going to be such a big star.
Change the channel.
Well, now, I want you to say hello to one of the most talented, young, bright, exciting Broadway producers, Mr.
Maxwell Sheffield.
Oh, don't stop now.
Oh, is he a babe! To think I was about to do this musical with a bunch of people running around dressed as cats.
- Heaven forbid.
- Oh, terrible.
Luckily, luckily, my secretary talked me out of that one.
Take a bow, Miss C.
C.
Babcock.
Fran, I just got off the phone with Mrs.
Spielberg from down the hall, and her son is dying to take you out.
Steven? That geek from AV Squad? How about Mrs.
Milken's son? He's very smart.
Meanwhile, he stole money out of my locker, Ma.
So, Val, what do you want to do this summer vacation? I want to go someplace that I can expand my mind and absorb all the ancient heritage.
You're not going to a kibbutz.
Ma, how did you know? Darling, I'm your mother.
I read your diary.
Oh, that must be Ma.
We're going into the city.
Uncle Jack's building is going condom.
Meanwhile, your meshuggener granddaughter wants to go to a kibbutz.
Well, you went when you were her age.
Ma! That was different.
I was building a nation.
Ma, I am so never talking to you again.
- Fran - I can't hear you.
I can't hear you.
Fran, you better get this kibbutz thing out of your head and start thinking about your future now.
Or you are gonna wind up like your Cousin Myra, over 30 and still single.
Sure, Ma, like that's ever gonna happen.
Oh, Val, you should see my Cousin Myra.
It is so pathetic.
Thirty-two years old in a really short mini-skirt, high heels, big hair.
It is so sad.
So you're telling me your mother let you go Uh, yeah.
Mr.
Sheffield, I'm telling you, this is gonna be a really good experience for Maggie.
I just wish that you would trust me as much as my mother did.
Oh, sure, a vacuum accident on your neck? I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, young lady! Ma, it's me.
Ma? Hello.
Anybody home? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Would it kill you to knock before you enter a person's bedroom? Ma, I'm sorry.
I hear sounds of ecstasy coming from your room, I figure you're eating a cheesecake.
Darling, if it bothers you, just forget what you saw.
Well, that's not gonna be so easy since it's burned in my cornea.
Darling, what are you doing here anyway? Just a minute here.
I've got to take a swig of Manischewitz.
Mmm, good vintage.
May.
I asked you to get my stuff from Israel, remember? Oh, it's over there.
What do you want with that junk? Oh, well, I talked Mr.
Sheffield into letting Maggie go on a kibbutz, and I wanted to show her what a good time I had.
Fran, you hated the kibbutz.
No, I didn't.
Oh, look, here's my old journal.
"I hate this kibbutz.
" "Friday.
Almost able to braid armpit hair.
Sent Val to Jordan to smuggle in Lady Bics.
" You left halfway through the program.
Don't you remember? We had to tell them that Nana died so we would get back the deposit.
Why do I remember having the time of my life? What was so great about it? Fran? Fran! Uh, yeah, yeah.
Bagel, bagel.
Shalom, matzo ball, shalom.
Now, come over here and knish me.
Oh, yeah.
Now I remember why I loved it so much.
That was where I lost my hat.
All right.
So you did have fun.
I was wrong.
So, maybe Maggie will just have as much fun as you.
Oh, over my dead body! This old dishrag has seen better days.
Were your ears burning? Looky, Diamond Jim, I brought you some travel brochures.
Don't worry.
They're free.
Let's see.
Ooh, windsurfing in Saint Barts.
Uh-oh.
$25 equipment fee.
Well, you know, if you flip one really fast, it's like you're there.
Is that how you make your dates move? As it happens, I've made travel plans.
Oh, which island did you decide on? Staten or Coney? Actually, I can afford to make a lovely trip.
I sold a pair of gaudy gold cuff links Mr.
Sheffield gave me, one treble clef, one bass clef.
I gave Maxwell those cuff links for his birthday.
Oh.
Well, then, thanks for the trip.
Niles, Niles, where's Mr.
Sheffield? I've got to talk to him about Maggie going on this kibbutz.
But didn't you already talk him into it this morning? Yeah.
But it's this afternoon.
Now, I've got to talk him out of it.
- Keep up! Keep up! - But it's too late.
He's already gone shopping with her for the trip.
Oh, good.
Okay.
She's trying on short shorts and tube tops.
He's looking at salesmen looking at her in the short shorts and tube tops.
They're at each other's throat.
The trip's off.
My work is done.
Oh, good, you're still here.
Wait till you see this.
Isn't that adorable? I'm dead.
Wow, Dad, thank you so much for all this cool stuff.
I love you.
Oh, love you too, sweetheart.
Oh, Miss Fine, I can't thank you enough.
You know, I don't think Margaret and I have ever been this close.
I just hope she has as thrilling a time on her kibbutz as you did.
Yeah.
Well, be careful what you hope for.
You know, Margaret and I are like Well, we're like friends.
When we were shopping just now, we ran into a couple of her schoolmates, and for the first time, she didn't make me hide.
Oh.
Sweet.
Touching.
Love it.
Now, haul yourself upstairs and tell her she can't go.
What? Why? Why? Uh, they closed Israel for Hanukkah.
Yup.
Too many people, too many candles.
Big fire hazard.
Big.
Miss Fine.
All right.
You wanna know what it really is? I kind of remembered that the kibbutz was where I lost my Oh, hi, kids! What's new? Well, we were just in the basement Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Everybody quiet, except Miss Fine.
Now, you were saying you don't want Margaret to go to the kibbutz because that's where you lost your Hat.
Hat? Hat? All right.
I take it you were very attached to this hat.
Well, not as much as my mother was.
Look, Miss Fine, what on earth is the big deal about losing your Oh, God! Oh, my God! Everybody out! No! No! No! Not you, Miss Fine.
Oh, my God! Why why do I ever listen to you? Well, my voice is kind of hard to tune out.
It's like one of those innate compulsions like smelling milk you know has gone bad or touching something that says "wet paint," or gnawing at the inside of your cheek when the dentist says All right.
Okay.
We get the picture.
I'll go tell her.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you don't.
This is where I take over.
Now you'll see how something is done when it's done right.
Margaret is not going to the kibbutz, and that is final.
I have to hand it to you, Miss Fine.
This was a brilliant solution to everyone's problem.
Meanwhile, would you go pick some grapefruit? 'Cause if we don't come back with a full wheelbarrow, they're gonna kick us off.
And there's no Ramada around here.
All right, all right.
Fran? Oh, my God! Yelsey, hi.
Are you still working here? Yes.
But now I work with my son.
You like kibbutz? Yeah.
You want me to take your hat? Oh, no, you don't! Nice tan, Sheila.
Bonjour, Marisol.
Oh, shake it, Miss Babcock.
Oh, daylight come and me want go home.