The Nanny s04e02 Episode Script

Oh, what a beautiful day for a picnic.
I'll tell you, I'm so glad we got out of that dining room and back into nature.
Peppermint or Darjeeling? Mint.
You know, Miss Fine, it really was a wonderful idea of yours to have a picnic.
But I never took you for the natural outdoor-type.
Please.
Why do you think I don't wear makeup? You know, at Camp Kindervelt, Val and I used to roast marshmallows on my curling iron.
And if you steam a frankfurter in your hot curlers, you'd swear you were at Nathan's.
Uh, I'm sorry.
What were you saying? Mr.
Sheffield, that's the third time you said "What are you saying?" There's something wrong with your left ear.
I think your hearing's going bad.
Nonsense.
The herring's fine.
The egg salad is a little suspicious.
You know, my father had hearing problems, and ma dragged him to the doctor.
He had to have a whole irrigation going on They found enough wax in there for Madame Tussauds to make herself a nice little Linda Hunt.
Miss Fine, he'll never see a doctor.
He's far too vain to admit his hearing is going.
You know, it's so sad when a man can't age gracefully.
Mmm.
Really.
Would you look at that spectacle? That 30-year-old man kissing that young girl.
What, she can hardly be more than Margaret's age.
But where are her parents, - that's what I want to know.
- Hi, Maggie! - I'll kill him! - Oh, calm down.
Calm down.
This is just a phase.
It'll pass.
I once dated an older guy when I was in high school, and it led to nothing but heartbreak.
Especially when he failed me in math.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there That's how she became The Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we've described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She is the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran All right, young lady, you've got some explaining to do.
- Now, start talking.
- Daddy, I just I don't want to hear it.
Now go upstairs to your room.
Oh, come on, like she couldn't climb out the window, shimmy down the trailers and pay Niles extra so that she and But uh This is between you and your daughter.
That boy's much too old for you, Margaret.
Dad, he's only 25.
It's the best relationship I've ever had.
When did the two of you meet? - This morning.
- Oh! At a bookstore.
Wow, a bookstore.
Gee, that's a great place to meet intelligent guys.
Whoopsie, they'd have to light it bright enough so you could read.
Nah, no good.
Oh, come on, Dad, you don't even know John.
He's self-reliant, ambitious.
Plus, he's already a Vice President.
Where? His dad's firm.
Oh, perfect.
Some spoiled little rich brat living off his father.
What did I do? Ah! Dad, I'm not a little kid anymore.
Why don't you trust me to go out with him? Because I was a And I had nothing on my mind but sex, women, and how to combine them.
My luck.
I don't get to meet him until he's going deaf and he can't digest corn.
Well, you better get used to it, young lady.
You are never seeing that boy again.
You are so unfair.
All right, that's it.
That is it.
I'm locking her in her room until she's your age.
Mr.
Sheffield, you can't lock her away for five years.
Come on, why don't we at least meet the guy.
Then Maggie won't hate us.
All right, all right.
I'll keep an open mind.
I don't suppose there could be any harm in meeting the twisted little cradle robbing sex maniac.
Sex maniac.
Maybe I should meet this guy by myself.
This is insane.
I forbid Margaret to go out with some 25-year-old! Well, fine, if you forbid her to see him, she's just going to sneak out anyway.
I was 17 once, too.
I snuck out all the time.
Of course, I didn't have a boyfriend.
I just wanted to eat bacon.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I don't know why dad is making such a big deal about me dating an older guy.
Because he's concerned about your welfare.
I mean, look at Anna Nicole Smith.
She marries a guy 60 years older than her.
He dies, all she's left with is his fortune.
So? So? Sometimes they live.
Oh, my God, he's here.
Hi, Maggie.
( Giggles ) Isn't he smart? And who is your beautiful friend? Very smart.
Hi, I'm Fran Fine.
Hi, this is my friend Mike, we work together.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I hope you don't mind.
I just came along for a cappuccino and the hot new Grisham.
Oh, well, I don't know about a Grisham, but the almond horn is delicious.
( Fran giggles ) So, what do you think? Honey, what can I say? There's too big of an age difference.
It's never going to work out.
( All laugh ) That's incredible.
I can't believe how much you and I have in common, Fran.
I know.
We're both Libras.
We both love jazz.
And we both think that on the "Mary Tyler Moore Show," Phyllis' off-screen husband, Lars, might have been gay.
Ah.
Yeah.
I love these shows.
I grew up on them.
- Me, too.
-Wow, thank God for Nick at Nite, huh? Uh, yeah.
( Giggles ) So, Fran, where'd you go to school? Hillcrest High.
Really? When did you graduate? My senior year.
So, Mike McMullen, what are the chances of you being Jewish? You know, actually, my mother's Jewish, Fran, - so technically that makes - Say no more.
Now, to satisfy my Mother's second question.
What does your father do? Uh, he's a buyer for Loehmann's.
Oh, I just could not get out of bed this morning.
Oh, someone leave a big rock on your coffin again? Very funny, janitor shaped like a drum.
I can't sleep And, it can't be the coffee because all I drink here is decaf.
Right? Of course.
Why don't I bring a nice cold soda in to pick you up.
All right, but make sure it's caffeine free.
Of course.
Sir, I made an appointment with the doctor for your hearing test.
What? I said I made an appointment I heard what you bloody said.
Who told you to call the doctor? Miss Fine.
Well, excuse me, but when did she become master of the house? Three years ago, September.
Would you like me to cancel? Yes.
Would you like me to kick back and take the rest of the day off? I said, "Yes.
" All right.
So, Fran, you and John's friend, Mike really seemed to hit it off.
Yeah, you know, it's so refreshing to meet a guy that thinks "Pulp Fiction" is John Travolta's first film.
You know, this is so cool.
I mean, you're going out with Mike, I'm going out with John.
Well, you're half right.
- Fran.
- Honey, he's way too old for you.
You're 17, he's 25.
That is a huge gap.
So, you're going out with Mike, and he's 25 and you're 33.
I am not.
Yes, you are.
We had your 30th birthday here three years ago.
Well, I lied.
I said I was older to get the job.
Well, what about your parents? You said that your father was No, I didn't.
I said my mother took You are such a hypocrite.
Why is it okay for Mike to date you, but it's not okay for me to date John? Because Mike is not my daughter.
Well, neither am I.
Well, go ahead and cancel the date with Mike, 'cause now I'm dead.
Meanwhile, Ma, it's been two whole days and Maggie's still not talking to me.
No, I didn't try and bribe her with a salty pretzel and an egg cream.
And thank you very much.
You know how many years it took me to stop solving my emotional problems with food? Don't yell at me with your mouth full.
Good bye, good bye.
- Fran.
- What? Forget about Maggie.
I'm here and I think you're great.
In fact I think you're the best Brighton, you're not going to the makeout party.
Yeah, well, you're on your own.
- Fran.
- What, sweetie? Maybe I can give you some advice.
Oh? Remember I had a crush on an older man once.
( Sighs ) He used to bring me all those gifts.
Sweetie, that was Santa.
Oh, Miles.
( cries ) How am I ever going to convince Maggie that she has nothing in common with a 25-year-old? And you do? Absolutely.
I was 25.
And for several years.
( laughs ) I haven't slept for three days.
Miles, are you sure this is herbal tea? Of course.
No sleep, and yet I feel oddly calm and relaxed.
- Ms.
Babcock.
- What? I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're here because I really need a woman to talk to.
Well, aren't you going to say anything? Why? You mean, because she said that you thought I was going to say something about you not being a woman? That is beneath me, sir.
What's on your mind, Nanny Fine? Well, Maggie thinks I'm being hypocritical because I'm dating a 25-year old and she's not allowed to.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Who's Maggie? Oh! The big one.
- Yeah.
- Oh, forget her.
So, you're dating a younger guy.
( Both laugh ) Delicious.
( Fran giggles ) You know, I think it's far more natural, women don't even reach their sexual peak until their 30s.
Yeah, well for me, it's happening much earlier.
Oh, girlfriend, you got it going on.
I'm sorry, I was watching something on Fox before I came over.
When you were Maggie's age, did you ever date an older guy? Oh, sure, my father didn't care.
But, the world was a different place when I was a girl.
Yes, they thought it was flat.
You know what, if I was smart, I would just let her go out with the guy.
Nanny Fine, Maxwell will kill you! Good idea.
Very unconventional.
I like it.
No, don't you see? They will have nothing to talk about with each other.
She'll get bored and break it up with him all on her own.
Of course, I'll have to chaperon with the young, eager to learn Mike.
But, it's not as if we don't have a lot of stuff in common.
We both dig Tootie & the Blowfish.
Tea, sir? Tea, sir? How's the hearing you lucky little brat born into money? On my right side I hear fine.
Just funning you, sir.
Eh, Mr.
Sheffield, about this Maggie, John situation.
I think I've got the perfect solution.
All I want to hear is that Margaret is never seeing that boy again, Miss Fine.
Fine, that's exactly what you're going to hear.
"They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning, no-one you'll see, is smarter than he.
" Well, go on.
"And you know Flipper lives in a world full of wonder, flying there-under, under the sea!" And then she'll dump him.
What do you think? Fabulous.
( giggles ) Fabulous.
Keep up the good work.
Thanks.
( Knock on door ) Call for you on line 1, sir.
Christopher Plummer.
Oh, finally.
Now, get round here and fix my blasted toilet.
( Doorbell rings ) I'll get it.
- Hi.
- Hi, aren't you cute.
All right, back off.
Isn't it enough I'm letting you date her? - Hi.
- Hi.
Young lady.
- What? - What? Hello, Mr.
Sheffield.
Congratulations, I read you're doing a new show.
Why did Christopher Plummer drop out? Miss Fine, you, me alone.
Right now! Oh, typical male.
Doesn't know what he's got till it's gone.
What is that man still doing with Margaret? And why were you kissing his friend? Well, look at him.
You know, you didn't hear a word that I said to you yesterday, did you? Well, that's the problem with our whole relationship.
That, and the fact that you said that you loved me in Paris, and then you took it back.
You just took it back.
II thought we agreed to put all that behind us.
Well, I thought we'd be picking out china patterns.
You know, if you had only Oh, come here.
If you had only gotten your hearing checked, none of this would have happened.
Why are you so vain about getting older? - Oh! I'm vain about getting older? - Yes.
I'm not the one trying to recapture my youth, Mrs.
Robinson.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now, would you please relax.
Maggie is a very smart girl.
I guarantee you, one more day and she'll realize she has nothing in common with him.
Hmm.
What about you and your young friend? I'm a slow learner.
So get this, I finally call the accountant up and I say, "You call this a tax refund? ( Fran giggles ) A lot more than I got back.
I got back $2,500.
After I declared all my dependents.
Fran, you're a single woman.
What dependents? Hey, I support a lot of people.
Donna, Karen, Ralph, Lauren, Lance and Kleinman.
( Fran giggles ) I've never paid taxes.
( Mike and John laugh ) How do you do that? Oh! ( Mike clears his throat ) Hey, guys, what do you have? Vodka martini, straight up.
Two please.
Um, I'll have a margarita, no salt.
Uh, Joan Collins, please.
Honey, that's Tom Collins.
And, no.
You'll have a better chance getting Joan.
But who doesn't? I'm gonna have to proof you guys.
Ma'am, you're fine.
Are you sure? ( Clears throat ) Excuse, me ma'am.
- What? - Please, I need to see your ID.
Oh boy, this is such a hassle.
Hey, you guys, I got a great idea.
John, what do you say afterwards we head down to the Blue Note.
We go listen to a little Jazz.
- Fran: Okay.
- John: Yeah.
Ugh.
Jazz.
Who likes Jazz? All: I do.
Wait a minute, we should something that we all like.
What do you want to do? Well, I could see "Clueless" again.
I'll tell you what, why don't we go grab something to eat.
What do you think? Eating is good.
I could always eat again.
Fran, can I talk to you for a moment? - Excuse us.
- Sure.
I want to go.
I just think that I should be alone with John.
Well, I think that I should be alone with Armand Assante but that ain't happening either.
I want to break up with him.
We have nothing in common.
Really? Gee, you sure you gave it enough time? Fran, he didn't even know that the "Saved By The Bell" kids went to college.
You knew this was going to happen, didn't you? Yeah, but you had to find it out for yourself.
Honey, you're a teenager.
He's an adult.
It's perfectly normal for you guys to have nothing in common.
Well, I have everything in common with you.
Well, I'm stunted.
I have no life.
I'm sorry I said I wasn't your daughter.
You are like a real mother to me.
Well, sweetie, why don't you and John take the limo home.
Me and Mike could cab it later.
You're not bored with Mike? So not! See, when your sideburns are longer it makes it makes your face look thinner.
Hmm.
Plus it wouldn't hurt to lay off the brie.
Oh, next customer.
Oh.
Oh, well, all right.
Yes, I could use a trim.
Thank you.
You know, Miss Fine, I just caught Margaret making out with that boy from her class.
Oh? God, I am so happy! I don't know what you did, but it certainly worked.
Well, I was just like Maggie when I was 17, except I wasn't tall, rich and thin.
And I never put Miracle Whip on a bagel.
Hmm.
You know, you're right about me, too.
I was putting off having my hearing checked because I was afraid of getting older.
Oh, well, I was dating Mike because he made me feel younger.
And, you know what I learned from that whole experience? Worked like a charm.
What did the doctor say? Oh, well, it seems I'm suffering from some short-term hearing loss.
- Hmm? - Yeah.
Could be a virus or prolonged exposure to an unusual frequency or pitch.
That's funny.
I live here and I've never had that problem.
Brighton! It must be a virus.
Oh, my God, I completely forgot you're waiting C.
C.
I am so sorry.
I've just been to the ear doctor Oh, I feel terrible.
Oh, look how lovely you look.
I'll tell you what, why don't we go to your favorite restaurant? Hmm? Just the two of us? ( Snores ) ( jazz music playing )