The Nanny s04e24 Episode Script

According to Vacationing Single, the ratio of men to women in Alaska is 50 to 1.
And the nights are six months long.
( laughter ) What does that mean, on Saturday nights I could sit in my igloo watching Dr.
Quinn for what, ( laughter ) I think Mr.
Sheffield would really like you to come with him when he takes the children to Hawaii.
Oh, you know, it's always the same thing.
Dancing in the moonlight, walking on the beaches, then falling into bed wrapped in each other's arms.
Since when? Since Gracie doesn't like to sleep alone.
( laughter ) Oh, Miss Fine, what do you think about a five-mile hike up a mountain in Maui, and then a helicopter ride over an active volcano.
Throw in a barium enema and I'm there.
Miss Fine, how do you propose to pay for your trip to Alaska when you told me to lock all your credit cards up in the safe? I'm sorry, I tuned out after you said propose.
I'm not giving you your cards back, you made me promise.
Fine, I'll just call and tell them that I lost my cards, and they'll have to send me new ones.
But then to prove who you are you have to give them your full name and your date of birth.
Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you.
I lied on the application.
( laughter ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
Franny, you should go to Hawaii.
- Oh? - The last time I was there they had this fantastic air show.
The sky was full of planes and the fireworks whoo! ( laughter ) Did that happen to take place in December 1941? ( laughter ) Yeah.
I remember the whole shebang was for Hanukkah.
( laughter ) ( doorbell rings ) I'll get it.
Oh, it's Val.
- Hi, Val.
- Hi.
- What's the matter? - Oh, my God, Fran, you're not watching "The Young and the Restless?" Oh, relax, I'm taping it.
You know I like to watch Jack Abbot doing a love scene while I'm eating a pizza.
That way, Jack and I can finish at the same time.
( laughter ) - You gotta watch it now.
- Why? Jack Abbott's doing a love scene with a certain tramp from High School.
( Gasps ) Heather Biblow? ( laughter ) There weren't enough guys left in Queens? She's gotta start sleeping with fictional characters? ( laughter ) Yeah.
And not only is she making tons of money, but she has an unbelievable beach house in Malibu.
Oh, my God, how do you know this? How? She sent me a letter.
"Not only am I making tons of money, but I have an unbelievable beach house in Malibu.
" ( laughter ) Why does she get all the breaks? She gets my fiancée, my job, now she's on my favorite soap opera.
I hate that backstabbing lowlife.
And she's offering to fly us to Hollywood.
And yet there is something endearing about her I've got to admit it.
( laughter ) ( music ) You girls want Haagen-Dazs bars? Sure.
Thanks.
- Mm - Mm Aren't you having any? I've gotta watch my figure, I can't let myself go.
( laughter ) You know, it's so sweet of you girls to still be my friends with me having all this and you having nothing.
Heather, you're the sweet one, flying us out here first class just to rub it in our faces.
Ooh.
Now, you're gonna have to entertain yourselves this evening because I have a lot of lines to memorize.
Oh, well, maybe we can help you with that.
How many lines have you got? Four.
( laughter ) In a row? No, that's the confusing part.
First, I say something, then he says something, and then I say something again.
Oh.
What a nightmare.
( laughter ) ( clears throat ) Let me ask you something, Heather, who did you have to I mean, what did you have to do to get this part? Nothing! This cute guy came down to me at the beach and he asked me, "Hey do you wanna be in television?" I thought he was BS-ing me, I thought he wanted to get me in the sack.
So I gave him my number.
It turns out that he's legit.
I can't tell you how disappointed I was.
Oh.
I still don't understand why Miss Fine would pass up a trip to Hawaii.
Four-star hotel, private beach.
Sharing a room with Miss Grace Oh Is that what the problem is? She doesn't like Gracie? ( laughter ) Well, I'm going to have to have a word with that young lady.
( laughter ) Oh, God, is there a bigger buffoon in this world? I got here as fast as I could.
( laughter ) I am appalled that Nanny Fine would leave Maxwell in the lurch like this.
Luckily, I am available.
I was supposed to go Scottsdale to visit my grandmother, but, you know, as long as they keep that plug in, where's she going? ( laughter ) Well, I suggested you, but Mr.
Sheffield wanted someone easier to look at in a bikini.
( laughter ) Aloha.
( laughter ) The hotel has a private beach.
Look what I'm going to wear ( laughter ) That's it.
Hello, ladies, may I help you? Val, you're Larry from "Three's Company.
" It can't be him.
Larry's much younger.
I just saw the show yesterday.
Val, this is why you lost "The Wheel of Fortune" with Lawrence of Aruba.
So, what happened, Larry? You were a huge TV star.
What are you, Dianne freaking Sawyer? No, just tell me, who do you want to see? Heather Biblow of the "Young and the Restless?" Through the artist's entrance, make a right, check in at reception with Erin Moran.
Erin Moran, too? My God, they're here today, gone tomorrow.
It's a reason not to be a sitcom star.
( laughter ) I can't talk now, I'm with the president of the network.
Mr.
Moonves, they want to schedule another casting session.
Why? They keep sending me the same people.
I just want a fresh face.
All she has to do is walk and talk.
She's cute, how about her? Oh, what about me? Hehe.
- Keep looking.
- Oh.
( laughter ) Joanie Cunningham said that "The Young and the Restless" was somewhere right around here.
Oh, my God, Heather and Maggie from "The Bold and the Beautiful?" We must be getting close.
- Hi, Heather.
- Hi, Maggie.
Oh, you guys must be playing the hookers, right? - Oh, yeah, that's right! Great costume.
- Fabulous.
- Bye.
- Thanks.
Oh, Jamie Cooper, Jaime Cooper.
Oh, my God, we must be at ground zero.
My mother is such a huge fans of yours.
Oh, thank you, that's very sweet.
You know, when you had your actual facelift televised, she was nauseous for weeks.
- She lost 14 pounds.
- Yeah.
( laughter ) It's Malcom Winters! How can you tell? He's got his shirt on.
Hello, hi.
I'm Fran Fine from Soap Opera Digest.
Malcolm would you mind taking a picture with your shirt off? No problem, ladies.
But come on, now, admit it, you guys are not from Soap Opera Digest.
Then how come you're taking your shirt off? Give me a quarter? ( laughter ) Oh, it's Nicolas, it's Nicolas, take a picture, take a picture of Nicholas.
But it's from the back.
Oh, that's his best side, honey.
Oh, so many celebrities, can you believe this? This hallway is better than the Lido Deck on the Love Boat.
( laughter ) Oh, Nikki, Nikki! Nikki, we love you so much.
You are such an inspiration for me.
She started out a stripper and ended up marrying the wealthiest man in the town.
Oh, you are a role model for me.
Oh, well, thank you.
You know you're not the first stripper to tell me that.
First, they think I'm a hooker and now I'm a stripper.
I'd better get this dress in every color.
Yeah.
Fran: This is so exciting, it's better than Gabe Kaplan ringing us up at the Collis Center.
Val: I know! Fran: Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, Val! This is it, we're here.
"The Young and the Restless.
" ( singing ) - Excuse me, excuse me.
- Oh? Would you mind waiting over by the food table? Sure, honey, we aim to please.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Oh, my God, Jack Abbott.
Heather's gonna do a love scene with Jack Abbott.
Oh! Director: Action! Chantal, we can't.
If Victor finds out, he'll kill both of us.
( laughter ) It's my turn to talk, right? Director: Cut! Well, at least I knew it was my turn.
We'll just start over one more time, right from the beginning, okay? Director: Action! Oh, Jack, I don't think we should've gotten on this plane.
( laughter ) Are we on a plane? We were on a plane yesterday, remember? We sat in first class and you said, "I can't ride this horse.
" ( laughter ) Here, let's take a five.
Heather, for you that's a whole hand.
( laughter ) You were really good.
You're just saying that.
No, amazingly, she's not.
Heather, you know, we can help you learn your lines.
Yeah, Fran's great.
She helped me memorize my license plate.
- That's right.
- One One, One V A L, Val! ( laughter ) Fran, are you sure you can help me? What's your first line? Either she goes or I go.
But, Peter, who on earth are we gonna find who can take her place on such short notice? Fran: "Oh, Jack, I don't give a damn about Victor.
" I love you.
" That girl.
( laughter ) Miss Fine, you're telling me that you've taken a job on a soap and you're not coming home? Well, of course I'm shocked.
They gave you a speaking part? ( laughter ) Miss Fine, does this mean you're never coming back? ( laughter ) Never coming back never coming back never coming back never coming back C.
C.
: Morning, Maxwell.
Morning, Mrs.
Sheffield.
( Applause ) ( laughter ) Of course I'll tell Mr.
Sheffield, I expect him any moment.
Goodbye.
Nanny Fine's never coming back.
( laughter ) Aloha! We're home.
- Miss Fine? - Hey, Fran? Where's Fran? We got her all these presents.
Oh, I can't wait to show her the skimpy little bikini I got for her.
( laughter ) Oh, the children missed her terribly.
So where is Miss Fine? I've got all these things to show her.
( Cries ) C.
C.
, what's the matter? I'm just so happy.
( laughter ) So, sir, how can I break this to you? Miss Fine has taken a job on a soap opera and she's not coming home.
What? A speaking part? ( laughter ) Furnishings are so gorgeous.
Did you pick out these? ( laughter ) You know, I just feel so awful about taking your job, Heather, I mean it's breaking my heart.
What kind of a lease do you have on this place? I mean, you can't afford it, maybe I'll take it off your hands.
( laughter ) Oh, Fran, you're the best friend a girl could have.
Well, I'm only thinking about you, Heather.
White wine on these carpets.
( laughter ) ( phone ringing ) Hello? Yes, she is.
Hold on one a moment.
It's for you.
Mr.
Sheffield's on the phone.
He needs to speak to you right away.
Oh, boy, Mr.
Sheffield, he is so lost without me.
This is going to be totally pathetic.
Let me put him on the speaker.
( laughter ) Hello, Mr.
Sheffield.
Max: Miss Fine, Niles tells me that you're staying in California to pursue an acting career.
That's right.
Ah, well, I want you to know the house already feels very empty without you.
Oh.
Miss Fine, I realize I can't persuade you to come back as the Nanny, so I'd like to propose ( laughter ) Perhaps Miss Biblow would like to come back as your old job? ( laughter ) Heather and Mr.
Sheffield? What do you say, Miss Biblow? I do.
( laughter ) Well, I spent all morning at the employment agency, but I think I've finally found Maxwell the perfect nanny.
You know there are a lot of stairs here.
We might need to build a ramp.
( laughter ) Mr.
Sheffield already hired someone.
Miss Fine recommended her.
Oh, fabulous, someone from Rent-A-Yenta? ( laughter ) Guess again.
( Applause ) Cheese.
Miss Babcock.
Nanny Biblow.
Niles, Niles, I'm expecting a call from Bill Towel Powell.
Hi, Mr.
Sheffield.
Hello.
And let me know when Miss Babcock gets here, would you? ( laughter ) So what would you like me to do.
Oh, as far as I'm concerned, your work here is done.
( laughter ) So did Miss Fine call? No, not yet, sir.
You miss her? Of course I bloody miss her! And I'm not sure about Miss Biblow working here.
Just who exactly is this plan of yours supposed to benefit? Nanny Biblow, I'm home.
( laughter ) Oh, this is so exciting.
I am an assistant to a genuine soap opera star.
( Sighs ) Yeah.
What's the matter, boss? ( laughter ) Oh, Val, I'm just picturing Heather in that house, parading around in front of Mr.
Sheffield, and I'm thinking this cannot be good.
( laughter ) Places, everyone! Fran? Oh, okay.
We can have you on the sofa here, with Peter.
Okay.
Now, let's start right at the top.
Ready? Here we go.
And action! Oh, Jack, I have wanted you since the first day I arrived in Genoa City.
Chantal, I'm so glad you came into my life.
You made me completely forget about the four years I've wasted on Nan.
Huh? ( laughter ) Director: Cut, cut! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Dear, if you can't remember your lines, the next one you're gonna hear will be, "Doctor, how much time does she have?" ( laughter ) Okay, here we go.
- Once more.
- Sorry.
Director: Action! Oh, Jack, I keep thinking about you and Heather sitting on Mr.
Sheffield's desk and I just Director: Cut! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
- Fran.
- Oh, I know.
You're making up words again, dear.
I'm sorry, I just, I have these personal problems.
Oh, maybe you just need a little lunch? Would you like some chicken or some fish? Yeah, okay, I'll do a little chicken? Alright.
Order her the chicken meal on American flight 426.
( laughter ) I'll go get the bags, boss.
( laughter ) We're in New York, you don't have to keep calling me boss.
Just go get the bags.
( laughter ) Can you tell me the next flight for Los Angeles? Mr.
Sheffield, what are you doing here? Ah, Miss Fine, well, Niles told me you were returning from Los Angeles, so I thought I'd come and pick you up.
Oh, that's very sweet, but I didn't tell Niles that I was coming home.
Your mother.
No.
Val sent a fax? ( laughing ) Val sent a fax? She can't even figure out why the cast of Cops keeps changing every week.
( laughter ) Alright, Miss Fine.
I was coming to Los Angeles to bring you home.
Oh So what are you doing here? What happened to your part on the soap? Oh, acting isn't for me.
You know, they drive you nuts.
You do a breakfast scene, you got to be in it with all that hair and makeup and a bathrobe.
It's so unrealistic.
( laughter ) - You were fired? - Yeah.
But the southwest chicken on American Airlines was restaurant quality, I gotta say.
Did everyone miss me? Oh, very, very much.
One person in particular.
Don't you ever leave me again.
( laughter ) Oh, Fran, we're so happy to have you back.
Heather could never fill your shoes.
She tried on my shoes? ( laughter ) No, just my dress.
She broke it.
( laughter ) Well, I'm just so happy that everyone is so glad that I'm back.
( laughter ) Why?