The Nanny s05e08 Episode Script

( Music ) How lucky is your grandmother, getting married at her age? I mean, do you know the odds of a woman over 35 finding a husband? One in 1,245.
6.
( laughter ) Uh-huh.
How much do you weigh, Ma? Who can remember numbers? ( laughter ) Like a virgin Oy! ( laughter ) Wow, Yetti, I want whatever you're on.
Well, uh, this is for inflammation.
- Oh, - This is for spastic colon, and I got an ounce of glaucoma medication that my doctor grew.
( laughter ) But I don't use it because it gets me kind of loose.
You mean sexually? No.
( laughter ) Touched for the very first time Look at her all atwitter like an 85-year-old schoolgirl.
Well, Ma, enjoy it.
At least you get to dance at your mother's wedding.
Because at the rate that I'm going you'll be coming to mine in an urn.
There I said it before you did.
( laughter ) ( doorbell ) Oh, oh, that's him.
Let me get the door.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I feel like flying to him on gossamer wings.
( laughter ) ( doorbell ) ( laughter ) I'm coming! ( laughter ) ( applause ) Oh, hey.
Sammy-la! Bar-yee-shee-mama.
Oooh.
Hehe.
Oh, well, this is a first.
Your mouth is open and there's no chewed up SnackWell's in it.
( laughter ) Ma? When you told us that you were engaged, you neglected to mention that he's black.
You're black? ( laughter ) No wonder ( laughter ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny.
Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? The father finds her beguiling Watch out C.
C.
The kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
( music ) Dr.
Miller, I had the weirdest dream last night.
Grandma Yetta was running down a football field carrying a bridal bouquet and Count Basie was waiting for her in the end zone, when Miss Piggy comes walking by, carrying a very lean corned beef sandwich ( laughter ) and says, 'You are not getting any younger'.
Clearly the dream indicates you are bitter and upset at the fact that your 85-year-old grandmother is getting married for the second time when you haven't been married once.
Really? Now you see I just thought I had a thing for jazz and "The Muppets.
" Duh.
( laughter ) Fran, you have to shift your focus.
Now, isn't there anything else in your life besides marriage that you're passionate about? Like some inner dream that you've always kept secret? Mm like my deepest, darkest fantasy? Ah.
Want to tell me about it? ( laughter ) Well, it's a little freaky.
( chuckles ) Well, that's good.
I mean, that's alright.
Well, Fran, it's never too late to follow a dream.
You've got to stop dwelling on the things that aren't working in your life and start making the things that you want to happen, happen.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You know, Doc, you are absolutely right.
I'm gonna stop obsessing on wanting to be married and follow my dream.
From here on in, I am set out on a path where I am gonna be a more interesting, mature, independent woman.
Maybe then he'll propose.
( laughter ) ( music ) Here's your invitation to Yetta's engagement party at the home.
( laughs ) ( laughter ) Now, don't be late, dinner is served promptly at 2:00.
( laughter ) I cannot make up a more nauseous-making, mind-numbing evening.
- Well, I'm going.
- Me too! Where's mine? ( laughter ) Oh, I'm sorry, the maximum capacity at the home is 640.
It was between you and the woman handing out Jimmy Dean samples at the A&P yesterday.
( laughter ) I'm not invited? Okay.
Fine.
'Cause I've got lots of better things to do.
C.
C.
: Yetta Where's my pretty Yetta? ( laughter ) Mr.
Sheffield, I have decided to pursue my lifelong dream and become a successful career woman.
I finally have a direction, a goal, a clear path.
I thought you wanted to get married and have children? Wait, are you asking? Because I could chuck that other pipe-dream.
( laughter ) Yeah, right.
Well, back to my clear path.
I am going to become a TV weather girl.
I think that's the perfect job for you, you would be wonderful at that.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, very much.
Daddy, I loved my lesson, I want to become a jockey.
Oh, I think that'd be a perfect job for you, you'd be wonderful at that.
Thank you! ( laughter ) What just happened here? You were just humoring me, weren't you? You no more think that I could be a TV weather girl than you think Gracie could be a jockey! Of course, I do.
I mean, you're beautiful and photogenic, and she's short.
( laughter ) Mr.
Sheffield, I'm not a child.
I'm gonna be 30.
( laughter ) Now, I can handle honesty.
( Sigh ) ( laughter ) Ah, no, Miss Fine, no, you can't.
Well, why don't you just try me? I don't think you can be a TV weather girl.
( Crying ) Why? ( laughter ) Well, let's start with, your voice and a microphone.
( laughter ) You know, there is a fine line between honest and cruel.
Miss Fine, it's unrealistic.
I'm not being cruel, am I Niles? Niles: Absolutely not, sir, she asked for the truth.
( laughter ) Niles!? Niles: Sorry, Miss Fine.
Christmas is coming.
( laughter ) Well, I know what's going on here.
You are just terrified that I might become immensely successful, leave you and your whole world will fall apart.
Well, now, that's a tad arrogant, don't you think? I wouldn't dream of keeping you here just to satisfy my own selfish needs.
Oh, really? Well, then I got news for you.
There is no hope for us, Mister.
( laughter ) Alright, what just happened here? Niles: Well, let's review, sir.
( laughter ) ( music ) ( doorbell rings ) - If that's my mother, - If that's my mother, - tell her I'm not here.
- Tell her I'm not here.
( laughter ) Hi, Sammy, hi, Yetta.
Oh, Fran, I just love your voice, I knew where the house was before I even got out of the car.
Hello, Samuel, Mother.
( laughter ) Uh, why don't you guys go take a seat in the living room.
And we'll catch up with you in a minute.
Just go, take a seat.
Well, send up a flare when you get to the couch.
( laughter ) Now, why are you being so cold to them? Is it because he's black? Please I of all people am not prejudiced.
You forget, I come from a time when the Jews were kept out of the Oyster Bay Country Club.
Just you, Ma, and that's 'cause you stole a steak.
( laughter ) You know why I'm upset? Why? My father is not even dead and already she's running off with another man.
( laughter ) They're not running anywhere, ma.
( laughter ) I'm sorry, I just can't accept this.
Ma, I also had problems with Yetta getting married before me, but I channeled my anxieties into a new career.
And that is what you're gonna have to do.
You've gotta find something new in your life and then focus on that.
I haven't tried the Vienetta log from the Breyers People.
( laughter ) Hello there.
Maxwell Sheffield.
And you must be Sammy? Yes, and you must be Fran's husband.
Warming up to him yet, Ma? I will never accept another man as my father.
Sammy, you know you're a little confused, sweetie.
Mr.
Sheffield is not my husband.
He's just a killer of weather girl dreams.
( laughter ) Would you please get off that, Miss Fine, I am no such thing! You cannot expect to just walk in off the street and straight into broadcasting.
You know, my nephew works down at the television station, maybe he can help you out.
Oooh There's your in, you think I should look for another nanny? Maybe you know him, Bryant Gumbel? ( Gasps ) Bryant Gumbel's your nephew? Papa! ( laughter ) ( music ) You know, Fran, if Bryant Gumbel hires you, doing the weather could be just the beginning for you.
Oh, I know, you know that movie "Up Close and Personal?" Michelle Pfeiffer started out as a weather girl and look who she became? Who? - Well, Michelle Pfeiffer, for one thing.
- Oh, yeah.
( laughter ) Now, you go over there with the cue cards, and Gracie, you come up with just some cute little news headline and then throw it over to me at Weather Central.
Okay.
Today, President Clinton and Chinese President Jiang Zemin just signed a pact limiting nuclear proliferation in the Far East.
( laughter ) She talks good.
( laughter ) And now let's go to everyone's favorite weather girl, Fran 'Fair Skies' Fine.
Fran? Thank you, Grace.
Well, it's going to be a crisp, delicious day in the tri-state area.
( laughter ) So, my forecast would be to wear something playful and autumn-y.
( laughter ) But, if you happen to be single and there's a cold front coming, ladies, I would wear this.
( laughter ) God willing, you'll get a pneumonia and 1-2-3, you'll meet a nice doctor.
( laughter ) ( music ) Oh, Niles, take out my Canali Tuxedo, would you? I have to go down to my lawyer's office.
Oh, you know, sir, that's right near the studio where Miss Fine is auditioning.
You might want to drop by and ruin everything.
( laughter ) Would you just stop it? You really think I'm that insecure? Even if Miss Fine gets this job, it doesn't mean that she's necessarily going to leave us.
Ready, Daddy? Alright, sweetheart.
Let's go over it one more time.
Okay.
Fran, I really miss you and you have to come home because I'm afraid to be alone.
Excellent.
Excellent! Now, remember, wait for my signal, mm? - Got it? - Okay.
Good.
You know, I can't believe you're using me to manipulate someone like this.
It's so Fran.
( laughter ) Thank you, sweetheart.
( laughter ) ( music ) Oh, Bryant Gumbel! Bryant Gumbel! Excuse me? ( Applause ) Oh, I'm Fran Fine.
Our Uncle Sammy recommended me.
Oh, yeah, Fran, you made it.
( laughter ) Oh, I'm just so glad that we had an opportunity to meet before the wedding, you know I'm gonna make sure that you're sitting between me and Ma, so you're not surrounded by a bunch of nuts.
Agh! Lesley Stahl! Lesley Stahl! Oh, Lesley, I love you! I love you! Is that her real hair? So, where's my weather set? What weather what weather set? You know, the one with the temperatures, and the maps and the clouds that keep rolling over, over again.
Fran, we don't have a weather set on the show.
No weather girl? Oh, but that's what I'm here for.
Are you sure you don't want to reconsider? Because I got an insider with a Neilson Box.
( laughter ) You know we do have an opening for an editorial commentator, would you be interested in auditioning for this? Sure! I'd go for editorial commentator! Whatever the hell that is.
Lance, great, Lance.
Why don't we get her audition down on tape.
Would you like a hairdresser? Why, do you think it's a little too subdued for TV? Might not fit on TV.
( laughter ) ( music ) B b boy, come here.
( laughter ) Are you taking anyone to this, uh, thing, Saturday night? Well, let's see.
Am I taking a date or am I taking ( laughter ) you? Secret! ( laughter ) Master Brighton, did she ask you to take her with you Saturday? Yes.
Does she know that you're not going to Yetta's party, but that she'll be helping you man the Klingon booth at the Star Trek convention? ( laughter ) No, but, I mean, maybe I should tell her.
It's just so cruel.
( laughter ) It's a wee bit crueler than that, captain.
( laughter ) ( music ) - You're ready to do this? - Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I will give you a topic off the top of my head, and you just run with it.
No problemo.
Good.
Gene therapy.
Jean therapy, got it.
Fran Fine test, in five, four, three, two Hi, I'm Fran Fine.
How are you? ( laughter ) I'm here to do an editorial commentary on jean therapy.
Well, if you want my opinion, I think there is nothing more therapeutic than slipping into a pair of jeans that make your tush look hot and a pair of oo-la-la.
( laughter ) Anyhow, I would just slip into those babies whenever I wanted to lift my spirits or my grade point average.
( laughter ) ( laughs ) Well, that's it for now.
This is Fran Fine signing off.
Gezai gezunt.
Go with God.
( laughter ) - No.
- No? - No, no, no.
- Oh, my God, is it the hair? - No, no.
- Oh, I knew I shouldn't have tried someone new.
Fran, gene therapy is the alteration of our genes by scientists.
But why would you go to a scientist when any dry cleaner could put up a hem and they gotta charge more.
No, no, not those kind of jeans.
DNA, genetics, our cellular infrastructure.
Ooh.
Never mind.
( laughter ) Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
Thank you, Bryant Gumbel.
( laughter ) Uncle or no uncle, I'm having him committed.
( laughter ) Excuse me, I'm going to have to ask for your security pass back.
Oh, won't I need it for tomorrow? ( laughter ) And the box of donuts.
( laughter ) They're the lemon-filled ones.
Nobody eats those.
( laughter ) Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, it was horrible.
Oh, why? Miss Fine, what happened? That mean lady took my donuts.
( laughter ) No, I mean what happened with the audition? How did it go? Well, for starters they didn't need a weather girl.
They made me audition for editorial commentator.
Yikes.
( laughter ) Well, I mean, in a most supportive way, of course.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
You were right in the first place.
You know, next time I have a dream, just go ahead and dump all over it.
It'll save me the heartache.
I wouldn't be so sure, Miss Fine.
I have a confession to make to you.
You know, the real reason I came down here today was because frankly, I was terrified you would succeed.
- Really? - Yes.
Furthermore, I came up with a rather elaborate ruse to make sure I could get you back.
- Really? - Watch.
Watch this.
( laughter ) Gracie Ooh.
Fran, I'm so ( indistinct ) ( laughter ) Never mind.
Well, we did have it all planned out, I promise.
Oh, that is so sweet.
( laughter ) But, you know, a word of advice, next time you use a child to manipulate an adult, you gotta give them a protein, not a carbohydrate, or they lose their concentration.
( laughter ) Oh, why couldn't this have been my category? I could've been the next Connie Chung Povich.
Come on, honey, let's go home.
Oh wait, a minute.
( laughter ) ( applause ) May I help you? Yes, I'm here to meet my nephew for lunch, Bryant Gumbel? And my little girl is anxious to meet him.
( Giggling ) ( laughter ) This is my daddy.
( laughter ) ( playing blues ) Ah! ( Applause ) That was gorgeous, Sammy.
Oh, thank you, baby.
But let me play you my favorite.
My yiddisha mama I need her more than ever now My yiddisha mama I love to kiss that wrinkled brow I long to hold her hand Once more As in days gone by Mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm Ooh ooh ooh.
( Applause )