The Nanny s05e13 Episode Script

Oh, hi, Niles.
Miss Fine, the way you're dressed.
- What? - You're dressed.
( laughter ) I'm taking my father to a basketball game for his birthday and you know he likes women to dress so conservatively.
Is that why your mother dresses so demurely? ( laughter ) Meanwhile, one time she bought this backless dress and he made her return it because it showed too much cleavage.
Cut too low in the front? You wish the front.
( laughter ) Oh, hi, kids.
Close the door.
It's cold.
Alright, Brighton, the party starts at 8:30 and there's gonna be a lot of hot chicks there.
So you owe me.
Maggie's taking me to a mixer at her sorority house.
Oh, great.
Bring-a-geek party? I, like, so own that trophy.
( laughter ) Alright.
Miss Fine, here we go.
Two center-court tickets to tonight's basketball game.
Oh, I so appreciate you arranging these tickets.
This is the first time that I've been able to afford to give my father something really great.
They're comps, right? ( laughter ) Think of them as my gift to you.
Don't you look adorable today.
Thank you.
You could be Margaret's sister.
Sister stepmother.
( laughter ) ( doorbell rings ) Niles, that's Daddy, would you get it? Oh, good evening, Sylvia.
Ooh, Niles, you smell delicious.
Oh? What is it, ham? ( laughter ) Ma, what are you doing here? Where where is Daddy? Oh, he couldn't make it, but he wanted us to wave to him from the good seats.
He's not coming? He didn't like my gift? Oh, sure, he did he just wasn't feeling well.
He ate a whole box of Snausages.
( laughter ) Ma, the dog's been dead for five years, you still kept her treats? Although you've got her collar and leash hanging in your bedroom closet.
But that's probably none of my business.
( laughter ) You're right, it's not.
( laughter ) I'm so disappointed.
I can't believe he's not coming.
I really wanted to see him.
So, come on, we'll go.
I'm dying to see a basketball game.
I don't know how I put it off for the past 50 years.
( laughter ) She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran ( cheering ) Defense, defense, defense, defense, defense! ( Cheering ) ( laughter ) What's the matter, darling? I miss Daddy.
Oh, there's the camera, Fran, there's the camera! Happy birthday, Daddy, we love you! Ow.
Oh, boy.
Good thing I'm wearing jeans, or that guy would've just taken my temperature.
Pig! ( laughter ) Did you feel a ring? ( laughter ) You know, if you're not gonna finish your pretzel, I'd like to take it home to Daddy.
I thought he had an upset stomach.
Ma, were you lying to me? I was half-lying.
Why? Well, he did eat a box of Snausages, but it didn't bother him.
( laughter ) Well, why didn't he want to come, then? Because he knew that the tickets came from Mr.
Sheffield.
So? It's not like I didn't do anything to get 'em.
Lord knows, I'm the only one burning the candle in that window.
( laughter ) Darling, he doesn't want to take anything from Mr.
Sheffield.
Why? It breaks his heart to see your young life being wasted by a guy who's never going to marry you.
I can't even talk about it or I get all choked up.
Peanuts! ( laughter ) Pff! What's so funny? Oh, nothing, I was just thinking of that hysterical J.
J.
Walker impression you do.
You know, you should really do that for the sorority party.
Oh, you mean, "Dyn-o-mite.
" ( laughter ) Stop, stop.
You're going to peak too soon.
Oh.
( laughter ) Bring-a-geek party, right? I remember well.
This baby brought me home gold.
Oh, Gracie, I'm sorry, honey, they didn't have your choice of "Secrets and Lies" at the video store.
But I got your second choice: "Operation Dumbo Drop.
" That was your choice, Fran.
( laughter ) I know, I'm just a little depressed and kinda needed an upper.
What's wrong, Fran? Oh, sweetie, this is a grownup problem and you're a little girl.
My Daddy doesn't like me.
( laughter ) Let me.
( laughter ) Alright, honey, talk to me.
( laughter ) Ay, what's wrong with this picture.
You mean, because you're the adult and I'm the child? No, I mean, because you didn't bring a fork.
( laughter ) The other thing's true too.
So what happened with your father? Oh, you know, he doesn't approve of the relationship between me and your Daddy.
He doesn't know what me and your father have together.
I don't know what we why, have you heard anything? Fran, you're a grown woman, you're over ( laughter ) Why is it so important what your father thinks? He's always finding fault with everything I do.
I mean, I can never please the man.
Fran, what does Dr.
Miller say when you talk about your father in therapy.
Mm, I haven't even finished talking about when my mother took me trick-or-treating Halloween dressed as Catwoman.
Why, she had a black latex body suit hang Oh, well, I guess that's none of my business either.
Well, Dr.
Miller, I'm so sorry to barge in on you this way.
I hope it's not too much of an imposition.
( laughter ) It's alright, Fran.
Even though it's not your regular appointment being drilled by needles feels oddly similar.
( laughter ) Now, where was I? Your father disapproves of you.
( laughter ) Oh, yeah, that's right, thank you, Ken.
You know what, Fran? I'd like to run a Rorschach test on you.
Horshack from "Welcome Back Kotter?" Could you pick up one of those ink blot cards there and tell me what you see? Oh you mean this black schmear? Well, I don't know, I guess I see a gorgeous off-the-shoulder Vera Wang white wedding dress.
You see a white wedding dress in that black ink? Yeah, uh-huh.
You know, this is the negative.
The proofs haven't come in yet.
Fran, don't you see the connection here? You come in with a crisis about your father and you jump right to marriage? Wait a minute, are you saying that I want to be married to my father? Because if that is buried in my subconscious let's just build a Home Depot over it and move on.
( laughter ) I am saying that marriage is the ultimate expression of acceptance and love.
That's what you want from your father and that's why you keep seeking out men like him.
You mean I seek out distant and repressed men that keep me at arms length? Who? - Mr.
Sheffield.
- Mr.
Sheffield.
( laughter ) Oh, my God, I have been chasing after men that reject me just like my father my whole life.
Oh, Dr.
Miller, you're a genius.
Oh, oh! ( laughter ) Can you believe this? - Niles? - What, what? Sir, would you believe she put these things in my hand while I was asleep on the couch? Oh, that sleep part was a bad defense, wasn't it? ( laughter ) ( laughs ) You know, at the risk of sounding like the doctor who delivered you, this could get ugly.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
I just came back from therapy session and we've got to talk.
Miss Fine, you've been talking for a solid hour.
Aren't you talked out? That's a silly question.
( laughter ) Alright, Miss Fine, what's on your mind? Well, first of all, don't you think that it's a little strange that we've known each other for five years and you're still calling me Miss Fine? Niles calls you Miss Fine.
That's different, he's the butler.
I get a charge out of that.
( laughter ) You call me Miss Fine to keep me at arms length.
Now, now, hold it right there.
That's not true.
Peoples, exhibit A.
( laughter ) Do you know what I've discovered? You are exactly like my father.
- That's absurd.
- No.
I've never met your father.
No one has.
I'm not even sure he bloody well exists.
( laughter ) Well, he does.
And I have been chasing after his love my entire life.
Do you know that he is at the root of every doomed relationship I've ever had? I'm completely screwed up.
( laughter ) I'm a basket case.
( laughter ) And there's only one way for me to achieve any kind of mental health.
You have got to change, mister.
( laughter ) Well, it's been three whole days and Mr.
Sheffield hasn't changed at all.
( laughter ) I don't know.
Maybe I was too subtle.
Well, that's always been your downfall.
( laughter ) Oh, I'll tell you this whole thing with my father has gotten me so confused.
I mean, where do I go from here? Trying to get some guy's approval has always been my whole Raisinette.
( laughter ) Meanwhile, if I could blame my father for why I'm gonna end up alone and miserable I'd be the happiest girl in the world.
( laughter ) Fran, as far as you and Daddy goes, you've got to redefine the boundaries of your relationship.
You're his nanny and nothing more.
That should be a smooth transition.
( laughter ) You know, Val, all those hard knocks have made you a little bitchy.
( Bell rings ) Would you look at her? She is baking cookies for herself.
She is so independent.
Well, I tell ya.
She's not looking for some guy's approval.
Mm.
That kid is the answer to all women in the future.
Right.
Gracie, I said chocolate chip, not oatmeal raisin.
Well, I guess I can't do anything right.
( laughter ) ( knocking door ) Mr.
Sheffield? Oh, Miss Fine, don't you look lovely.
Oh, you like? Don't compliment me.
( laughter ) How am I ever going to break the habit of needing your approval if now you start giving it to me? ( laughter ) Here.
That's my schedule.
Those are my hours.
You're the boss, I'm the nanny.
I'm on a coffee break.
Goodbye.
( laughter ) Oh, come on, Miss Fine, don't be so foolish.
And please, let's keep a professional distance.
That was just for the road.
( laughter ) Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore.
What am I supposed to do? May I speak freely, sir? Yes, of course, old boy.
I am so sick of hearing this year after year.
"Niles, what am I do?" "I told her I love her.
I took it back.
I'm afraid of commitment.
I'm worried about the children.
" For God's sake, make a move.
Do something! You passed on "Cats"! Do you want to regret this for the rest of your life, too? ( laughter ) What's going on in there? Oh, I have had it.
I am trying to convince him to give up on Miss Fine and move on with his life.
( laughter ) C.
C.
: I agree with Niles.
What are you waiting for? C.
C.
: Just do it! Do it! Do it! ( laughter ) Hi, Ma.
I bought you a cake from the health food bakery.
It's flourless, sugarless and dairy free.
Mmh! ( laughter ) Darling, I didn't know you were coming.
I'm going to the gym.
Are you really going to the gym.
This is my second time.
Ahh.
I went once to join and now I'm going to renew.
( laughter ) Ma, I'm very upset, I really need to talk to you.
I'm sticking to my diet, darling, so if you're looking for Entenmann's the cupboards are bare.
No cookies? No Count Chocula? ( laughter ) Nothing? I mean, I'm depressed and I need some junk.
Have some bread.
I don't want bread, I need sweets.
Have the bread.
( laughter ) Woo.
( laughter ) Look at this, a Jewish pinata.
( laughter ) So what are you so upset about, darling? Oh, I had a big breakthrough in therapy, all about Daddy.
So what did that con artist tell you? ( laughter ) That everything that's wrong with your life is your father's fault? Yes, Ma.
Thank God it's not me.
( laughter ) Oh, Ma.
Why don't Daddy and I connect? I mean, after Nadine was born, did he really want a son? No.
He loved his girls.
Oh, how come you always dressed me like a tomboy? I mean, there were pictures of me sitting on Daddy's lap, you'd swear I was K.
D.
Lang dummy.
( laughter ) Darling, you're grasping at straws there.
Your father adored you.
He just had trouble expressing himself.
So he's a little distant, it's just his way.
You know, children tend to idealize their parents when they're growing up.
You know, they don't see that underneath this veneer we're not sophisticated people.
( laughter ) Well, meanwhile, Dr.
Miller says I'm attracted to men that always keep me at a distance because that's the way Daddy treated me.
You know, your father always did his best.
But he's not going to change.
( laughter ) You know, you should focus on changing yourself, not him.
You know, Ma? You are absolutely right.
Of course I'm right I've gotta change myself! ( laughter ) As long as I'm living under the same roof as Mr.
Sheffield I am always gonna feel this way.
Naturally.
Huh? I'm gonna move out of that mansion and get on with my life! What life? You're two shakes away from being a cleaning lady! Wish me luck, Ma! I'm gonna cut out my tongue! That's not what I meant! Sylvia: If your father did this, why are you punishing me? ( laughter ) Stay back, Ma! I know what I gotta do! I'll kill that shrink bastard! Look what he's done to my little girl.
What is going on in here? Ma, leave us alone.
I have to talk to Mr.
Sheffield.
I am not moving from this spot.
Come, Sylvia, we'll wait in the kitchen.
( laughter ) Look, Mr.
Sheffield, I keep hoping that if I hang around here long enough, deep down inside you're going to change.
But I've come to realize that my father is never going to change, and I have to accept that in you too.
So what does this mean? That this arrangement is not going to work out anymore.
Well, are you saying you're quitting? Yes.
We've been together for so many years.
You still don't know what you want.
I just think it's a healthier decision for me to make.
No, Miss Fine, I understand how you're feeling, I do, but I don't understand Mr.
Sheffield, genug already, it's too late.
I've made up my mind.
- I have to do this.
- No, please don't go, Miss Fine, Miss Fine, come back.
Fran, wait! ( laughter ) You're right.
You're right, I suppose I have kept you at arms length.
And maybe it's because I have a genuine fear of intimacy.
I don't know.
I just do know that I I don't want you to go.
Fran? ( laughter ) Fran.
Does this mean you'll start calling me Fran all the time? Well, not in front of the children.
Well, how about Niles and C.
C.
? That wouldn't be very professional.
- What about Ma? - Miss Fine! - Chow! - Fran! That's better.
( Applause ) Good night, Fran.
Wait, wait.
I gotta tell you, Maggie's taking you to a "Bring-A-Geek" party.
Fran, I know that.
What am I stupid? I'm going there to meet girls.
That's why I'm wearing my cool clothes.
( laughter ) Uh-huh.
Oh, oh, good, good.
Well, have fun, honey.
Thanks, Fran.
- Oh, and B, B, B.
- Yep? You know, sweetie, it probably wouldn't hurt to just work the words "trust fund" right into the conversation.
( Applause )