The Nanny s05e17 Episode Script

( laughter ) ( groaning ) What are you doing? We're arm wrestling to see who gets your room.
Niles, she's a little girl.
Oh, you're hurting me! - I'm sorry.
- Ow! Sucker! Meanwhile, you're so busy deciding who gets my room.
Where am I supposed to sleep? Oh, Fran, once you're married, you'll move in with Daddy.
Oh, my God, this just keeps getting better and better.
Oh, there's my adorable new roommate.
Mm, morning, darling.
You know sweetie.
Last night you didn't give me that little something I'm used to getting from you every week.
Well, Fran, since we got engaged, I didn't think I had to give it to you anymore.
Wait a minute, I know what I'm talking about, what are you talking about? Your paycheck? Oh, thank God, that's what I'm talking about, too.
But honey, even though we're getting married, I still want to work.
We have always been a two income family.
( laughter ) Yes, dear, but your income always came out of my income.
I still wanna have a career.
I don't wanna be one of those wives who just sits around having lunch with the girls, or shopping or getting their hair done.
Well, you know, maybe I'll try it for a couple of weeks.
Come here.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran C.
C.
, I'm going through these wedding responses and I see that you've only RSVP'd for one.
You sure you don't want to bring a guest with you? Well, I thought I might go with you.
( laughter ) Is that inappropriate? ( laughter ) Well, I am marrying Fran.
I thought I might sit with her.
( laughter ) Of course.
You think I'm serious? ( laughs ) Can I catch a ride with you, guys? ( laughter ) Maxwell, I have two very important things to talk to you about the wedding.
I say we honeymoon in the Caribbean and we don't leave our suite for 36 hours.
Well, I was thinking kishke or potato, but your way's good too.
Maxwell, will you get off this damned wedding? I mean, we are on a deadline for this musical.
Maybe we should just cancel it.
C.
C.
, we have investors we have to answer to.
I meant the wedding.
( laughter ) You know C.
C.
, I am a little concerned about this whole idea of us producing an urban rap musical in the first place.
I mean, we're not exactly cutting edge, are we? Oh, come on, who's more cutting edge than you? Who was the one that thought of putting Charles Nelson Reilly and Rip Taylor in "Love Letters?" True enough.
Nanny Fine, we have work to do.
Now, he may belong to you in every other room in this house, but in this room he is mine.
C.
C.
, would you give us a minute? Okay! ( laughter ) ( laughter ) Ma, put the rosette down.
It's plaster! You want to scrape your esophagus again? ( laughter ) Miss Fine, Mrs.
Fine! Welcome, welcome! I'm Dirk, your wedding coordinator, and may I say we are honored that you selected us for the Fine-Sheffield reception.
It's truly the wedding of the century.
Well, it took nearly that long to happen.
( laughter ) Now, Dirk, I just wanna tell you, ours is a mixed marriage.
He's from Drinkers, we're from Eaters.
So let's plan the menu accordingly.
Fun, fun, funny fun, fun.
Now may I suggest, as your guests arrive we wow them with an ice sculpture of the Trevi Fountain.
Ooh, a fountain sounds nice, but can they make it out of chopped liver? Oh, challenge, challenge, challenge, I love it.
Okay, now we have over 75 hors d'oeuvres to choose from.
Would you like to taste them or would you trust me to - Taste! - Taste! ( laughter ) Assistant, assistant! I'm working with the new person, forgive me.
Look at me, I'm like Regis without Kathie Lee! Ahh! ( laughter ) ( laughter ) Ma, you know, I have a little problem I need to talk to you about.
Mr.
Sheffield doesn't want me to work anymore.
And the conundrum would be? ( laughter ) I mean, it's not as if I'm not gonna be busy enough performing my wifely duties, and God knows I've had that stored up for five years.
( laughter ) Who's gonna have the energy to work? But still, I wanna feel like I contribute something to the marriage.
Oh, sure you will, you're his partner in life.
You're the woman behind the man.
Help him, support him, be there for him.
Never refuse him.
You get me? Yeah, I get you, you're talking about dinner, right? ( laughter ) What else is there? ( laughter ) Ah, now would it be too presumptuous to ask about the releasing of the doves? Oh, no doves, there's no meat on them.
You call this a wedding menu? Ceviche? Sashimi? Squid? Who the heck is the chef? Jules Vernes? And the seating plan is a nightmare.
I've got a Lord, a Lady and a Countess sitting next to a Cookie, an Izzy and a Schmooey.
( laughter ) We're back.
Sammy, Yetta.
We're leaving in an hour.
So start putting on your coats now.
( laughter ) - Uh, Fran.
- Yes? Before we hit the road, I have a favor to ask of you.
Do you think Mr.
Sheffield could get my grandson a job on Broadway? Oh, I don't know, Sammy.
I mean, I really don't like to interfere in Maxwell's business.
( All ) Since when? ( laughter ) Since I got a lot more than six bucks an hour to lose.
( laughter ) Oh, he's a brilliant rapper, a great artist.
Last December, he rapped for Puff Daddy.
Oh? A brilliant rap artist? Oh, Ma, Ma, come here.
Did you hear that? This is my opportunity.
Maxwell is producing a rap musical.
It's all about violent gangs that fight in the street and every so often stop to sing poignantly about it.
( laughter ) Well, darling here's your chance.
What are you waiting for? Now you can be the woman behind the man.
You know where your father would be today if I hadn't pushed him? Not collecting disability? ( laughter ) Well, Ty, you can rest easily tonight.
Yes, I have found the perfect star for your rap musical.
Mm.
Oh, he's fresh off the streets, he's talented, he's dynamic.
You can see for yourself Tuesday night.
Have you found someone yet? ( laughter ) Make that Wednesday night.
Oh, God, I knew this was a mistake to try and do this musical.
Maxwell, you know what you need? You need a break.
Why don't you and I charter a yacht and just sail down to St.
Barths.
C.
C.
, that's where I'm taking Fran for our honeymoon.
Well, doesn't Miss Special get to do everything.
Oh, Maxwell, I have found the perfect star for your new musical.
It's a relative of mine.
( laughs ) Nanny Fine, no one wants to hear your relatives speak, let alone sing.
Ha ha.
Darling, you shouldn't go worrying your pretty little head with all our business.
No, you should be busy planning our wedding.
Are you patronizing me? No, no, baby, not at all.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, why won't you let me help you? I mean, it's not as if I've ever screwed up Okay, switching gears.
My guy Irwin, rapped with Puff Daddy.
- Really? - Huh.
Well, he turned us down, he didn't think we were hip enough for him.
Oh, no don't tell me you bored him with that Mary Martin trivia.
Well, a lot of people don't know she's Larry Hagman's mother.
( laughter ) C.
C.
, look, maybe it's worth a chance.
Maybe this Irwin has some talent.
Maxwell, our entire professional reputation is resting on the expertise of a woman who thinks the "Importance of Being Earnest" is the sequel to "Earnest Scared Stupid!" ( laughter ) But it's not like we've done any better, is it? Besides, maybe Fran has exactly what we need.
Whoa.
Now, just wait a minute.
This is business, and business is my turf.
I want to go with her guy.
Okay.
( laughter ) Oh, are you still upset about the wedding? I have something that'll cheer you up.
Single girls, gather round.
( laughter ) ( applause ) Listen, I still have a chance with Maxwell as long as I am his business partner and I am in this house every single day.
( laughter ) I mean, why should you lose your job? I mean, it's not as though she's in there with some brilliant casting idea.
Come on.
That won't break up your partnership.
When Yoko married John, did that break up "The Beatles?" Oh, no.
( laughter ) Oh, Fran, I know that this is last minute, but can I bring a date to the wedding? He's really cute.
Does he have a brother? Force of habit, I gotta stop that.
( laughter ) Sure, sweetie.
( Doorbell rings ) Oh, that's Sammy's grandson, the future star of your father's new musical, thanks to me.
But I don't wanna toot my own horn, beep, beep.
( laughter ) Oh, hi, Sammy, I didn't know you were coming.
Well, somebody had to drive Irwin.
( laughs ) Well, where is he? ( Cheering ) Hi, I'm Irwin.
Hi, I'm scared.
( laughter ) Do you always dress that way to sing or were you just audited? Honestly, I don't make enough to get audited.
( laughs ) What do you mean you don't sing? Your grandfather told me that you're a great rapper.
Oh, I'm the best, I'm the best.
You got scotch tape, paper and a ribbon? ( laughter ) You're a gift wrapper? Sammy, why did you tell me that he rapped for Puff Daddy? Well, he did last Christmas.
( laughter ) Puff likes lots of bowls and those little plastic Santas.
Who cares? Why did you tell your grandfather that you wanted to work on Broadway? Well, I lived on 8th avenue, I figured I could just walk.
( laughter ) Sammy, do you realize that Mr.
Sheffield has one of the most important composers on Broadway coming in to listen to a gift wrapper from Crate and Barrel? Pottery Barn, we were first.
It's not the first time I've screwed up.
What's he gonna do? Take back the ring? ( Gasps ) Give me something salty.
I'll bloat.
He'll never get this ring off.
( laughter ) Listen, I don't wanna ruin everything for you.
You know, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
I don't want to be a gift wrapper all my life.
Maybe I do have some talent.
You know, my grand-daddy, he plays the piano and sings great.
Oh, stop, you're making me blush.
( laughter ) Just let me try.
Okay, well, what have I got to lose? Try.
Really hard.
( laughter ) Home, home on the range Where the deer and the antelope play Who's that? - Irwin.
- Miss Fine! Oh, oh, oh.
Mr.
Sheffield, um, you know what, I was just thinking.
Rap is dead.
What are you talking about? It's the hottest thing on Broadway.
Oh, well, then it must be me that's dead.
( laughter ) Would you excuse us a minute? I wanna see you in my office.
Get something salty, salty pretzels! ( laughter ) Wait 'til you meet the mother.
( laughter ) I have a very important composer coming to this house in less than 24 hours expecting to meet Puff Daddy's protege.
Well, I never said protege, that was your embellishment.
Bye, now.
Miss Fine! You're calling me Miss Fine, that can't be a good thing.
Oh, it's not, trust me.
Why did I listen to you? Why why did I think things were gonna be different just because we got engaged? Well, first of all, we are still engaged, aren't we? Oh, "Home, Home on the Range" happens to be a very complicated number.
That does not mean he isn't an excellent rapper.
So why don't you stop adding grey to that beautiful head of hair of yours? He does rap, you're not patronizing me? No, baby.
Now I can look you straight in the eyes and say Irwin is one professional wrapper.
( laughter ) Yes, a gift wrapper for Crate and Barrel.
( laughter ) Is that true? No, it is not.
Pottery Barn.
They were first.
Niles, have you seen Mr.
Sheffield? Oh, I have never seen him this angry at me before.
Well, I have, but not today.
( laughter ) I'm not speaking to you.
Why? What did I do to you? You have ruined our wedding.
For five years I've been waiting for this day.
What am I gonna say to the other butlers in the market? You know what it's like to be the only one in the park with no wedding pictures to show? Yes, I do.
Well, don't just stand there.
I beat Miss Grace playing hoops and I want your room.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Turn Irwin into some kind of a street rapper.
I don't know anything about rap.
Well, either that or call your mother and tell her the wedding's off.
Wuzzup, Irwin? It's time to get bomb-biggity.
You go, girl.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) Mr.
Twitcher hit a wither feigning he's quicker This is what I picture when tipsy flicker Sitting thinking of another style like no other Hawking up a cuppa dipping in my Hummer.
( Cheering ) That's good.
Thank you, Blue.
Well, that was really truly excellent.
Well, I'll be getting in touch with your posse.
( laughter ) No, no, no.
Why can't I express to you what I'm looking for? It's in the rhythm.
Max, the rhythm.
You see, I see things in geometric shapes.
This is what I want.
You know, bring me this guy.
Ah, yes, I can't get him, he's in "Ragtime.
" So is that it? Is that all of 'em? What about the guy you hyped on the phone? Well, you know he turned out to be a bust.
He was discovered by Maxwell's nanny slash fiancee slash back to nanny again.
Listen, Ty, if you can see your way to give us just a few more days, I know there has to be another him in this town.
I'm sorry, Max, but I don't think we're on the same page.
You can try to throw salt, but I keep my game face on And the only thing clocking mo' digits than a telephone Me and 39 thieves jumping out a white Hummer from Compton Wile your crew get dumb and dumber Grew up straight outta low cash like CB4 Now I got dough and you got one-night stands like HBO See, on the low it's all gravy, but the threat of this new world order's About to drive me crazy.
And all you want is a Lex, stripes and a Gold Visa And bombs singles stacking chips like Pringles While my mind's jack for platinum plaques Quicker than one-time, jack blacks, twist sacks and sip 'gnac Plus the invisible man got my back like a spine So why you rolled all up in mine keep the money And the fame 'cause all I really want to hold Is my artistic freedom and control of my soul.
Bravo! ( Applause ) The guy's great, huh? What are you, saving the best for last? Yes, he was, because that's his style.
Slow to the point of madness and then he proposes.
( laughter ) Well, Ty, why don't we step into my office and talk some business, eh? Fran, why don't you bring Irwin along? Okay.
Oh, we're winners! Win! I'm so excited, Fran.
This is so phat, Fran.
Oh, Irwin I know that phat is a good thing, but please don't say it so near to my name.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) Oh, I guess I know where I stand.
Outside the door ( laughter ) Well, at least it's over.
The pain, the degradation, the shame.
( laughter ) I'm frightened.
I don't wanna be alone.
( laughter ) Well, you finally went crackers.
( laughter ) Yes, hello, Dr.
Borg? This is Niles.
Yes, it's about Miss Babcock.
Yes, but I think we have a little problem.
She's been behaving in a very strange way.
Well, I wouldn't call it delusional.
Grandmama, is that you? ( laughter ) Yes, child.
Maybe I would.
( laughter ) Come along Oh, hi, Chester.
- Hello.
- Hi, sweetie.
Well, this is fun.
How long do we get to keep Chester here? Oh, until Miss Babcock is released.
I mean, comes home.
( laughter ) Yeah, you mean from her "vacation.
" Uh-huh.
You know, it's really so funny.
Usually, when a pet misses his master, it's really depressed and walks around whimpering.
Hey.
( laughter ) ( applause ) Franny.
Oh, hi, kids.
Sammy has a niece that wants to sing at your wedding.
Oh, I'm sorry, Sammy, but Maxwell has a new policy: no more relatives.
( laughter ) Okay, Aretha, she said, "No.
" Aretha? Aretha? Call her back! Call her back! Do you want her? Yes! Wait 'til Maxwell hears! Uh, DMV? Aretha Jones, please.
( laughter ) ( applause )