The Nanny s06e20 Episode Script

Good afternoon, my beautiful darling.
Good afternoon, my sweet angel.
- Oh.
Well, she's not here? - No.
Blimey, ever since she entered her 3rd trimester, her mood swings have been lethal.
Oh, I know.
It's worse than when Sylvia gave up chocolate.
That was the most unbearable hour of my life.
Oh, here you guys are.
Are you hiding from me? No! Oh, good.
Because I have a little surprise for our new college man.
Oh, it's just so exciting! - It's just Harvard, Fran.
- Oh no, I mean the cake.
The interior is pudding.
My son, the Harvard man, eh? Takes me back to my Eton days.
Oh, takes me back to my eating disorders.
I thought tonight, for a celebratory dinner I would make salmon.
Oh, no! Those poor little salmon, they spend their whole lives swimming upstream just to be poached for dinner? I was going to barbeque.
Oh? Mesquite? With a teriyaki glaze? That would be perfect for Brighton's celebratory dinner! Oh, my baby is leaving.
Who put that finger in the cake? You did.
Oh.
Well aren't we a bunch of moody musketeers? Oh, well, I better get to work.
Uh, but before I go, darling, I just wanted to tell you, you are beautiful.
You're thin, you're 29, and oh, the skin on the back of your hand just snaps right back like a rubber band when you pinch it! Oh, isn't he wonderful? I love him so much, and we are so proud of our son getting into Harvard.
Uh, Fran? I've decided I don't want to go to college.
Why? Well, it's just that I don't want to have tests.
I don't want to have responsibilities.
I just want a year off.
That's okay, honey.
If you don't want to go to college, we're not going to make you go.
There's plenty of people in my family that chose not to go to college.
Really? Yeah, well it seemed like a natural choice after they chose not to finish high school.
So you're really cool with me not going to Harvard? I'm totally fine.
It's not a problem.
Come sit down, baby.
We're going to have some cake.
Now maybe I'll give you the piece that says, "Harvard!" Hi, Fran.
Bye, Fran.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling, watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran This is going to last you three weeks.
I just love getting pampered.
I feel like a regular Princess Caroline in the city.
Yeah Oh, excuse me, could you give me that magazine? See, my nails are still wet.
Oh, B, thanks so much for bringing us.
You know, you can't drive with wet nails.
That is so weird.
I wonder how that happened.
So anyway, Fran.
I was thinking what we would do What? No, when we get home, what we're going to do is we have to - What? - Oh, Fran! What I said was when we get home, we have to make sure we talk to dad about me not going to Harvard.
Oh, honey, what do you think I'm getting all beautiful out here for? I want to look pretty when I tell him the horrible news.
I can't run like I used to.
Would you like me to exfoliate you? Should this be exciting to me? If you like a woman scraping dead skin cells off your face.
Uh, so she does touch me.
Oh, yeah.
- Uh, Fran? - What? I leaned on my wet nails, and I got it all over my face.
- Oh, honey - Oh, I'm so stupid.
You know, next time you gotta remind me.
Use flesh-colored nail-polish.
Hey? Any of you want your tea leaves read? - Oh, I had a cup of Sanka.
- I can read that too.
Since when are you a psychic? Since when do you need to know my business? Well I'm sorry, Libby.
I just didn't know you were a fortuneteller.
Are you calling me a liar? - Libby! - Could you do my cup? Yeah, sure.
Oh never mind, that's raisin bagel.
I am seeing two people very much in love.
I am also seeing a very happy marriage.
Ooh! To who? - I'm getting an F.
- As in, pharmacist? Val, pharmacist begins with a P, honey.
Yes, but his name is Fred, and that begins with an F.
Doesn't it? Oh, Val, remember when we were at the pharmacy the other day getting tweezers, Fred kept staring at you? And we thought that it was because you had that Q-tip stuck in your rear.
But baby, it was love! I am also getting a semi-attached condo villa in phase 4.
- And lots of babies.
- Oh! You're going to have sex.
What about me, what about me? My psychic powers tell me you already had sex.
- No, do me, do me! - I don't do diet soda! Come on, what am I, a quack? Sit down and give me your palm.
Okay.
All right.
What have we got here? Libby: I see you very happy with your three new kids.
Libby: No, no, no, wait.
Make that two.
Libby: Things look really good for you.
Uh-oh.
Fran: Uh-oh? What's with the uh-oh? I see your husband with a sexy blond with great legs.
I'm going to go blonde? Ain't you.
Who is it? What's my husband doing with a leggy blond? With piercing blue eyes.
Um I'm seeing Beverly Hills.
I'm seeing them in bed together, their arms wrapped around each other.
Ooh.
Well, don't you see anything good in this hand? Your skin snaps back like a rubber band.
Darling, don't be ridiculous.
What does that no-good yenta gypsy psychic know? My future.
She said Maxwell's going to have an affair with a leggy blonde.
Oh, my God! You think it's me? Ma! I'm sorry, but since I lost the weight, your husband has been giving me the eye.
Oh, he's just in shock at how big your head looks, now.
Thank you.
Ma, she saw them kissing in Beverly Hills.
We can't move to California.
Although, on the upside, when you get a divorce in California you get half of everything.
Particularly if he leaves you for someone who's younger.
Ma, she didn't say younger.
What, he's going to leave you for someone older? Big head! Darling, you're putting your faith in a woman who sweeps up hair at the Chatterbox.
I don't know about that place anymore.
The last time I had my hair done there, when I got home I pulled out the two "Reader's Digest" I stuffed in my blouse, from 1994.
I was almost too embarrassed to put them on my cocktail table.
That story disturbs me on so many levels.
All I'm saying is you are overreacting to that shyster Libby and her voodoo.
Mm, maybe you're right.
I mean, she said that Val was going to get married, and there's no way that - Val: Hi, Fran! - Val! The psychic was right, Fran, you know Fred the pharmacist? - Yeah.
Hi, Fred.
- We're dating.
Hi, Fran Sheffield.
How's your welt? Did it pustulate? It was a small, red mark.
No, it's like an egg clair was sitting in there.
When did you two start dating? Today.
But I loved her from the first time I saw her, standing catty-cornered at the Metamucil display.
You know, the orange-flavored laxatives you buy, Fran Sheffield? Shh! Ma, Ma, my life is over.
The psychic was right about Val, and she's right about me.
Oh, darling, you're not thinking straight.
You're too wound up.
What psychic wouldn't predict that dumb and dumber would eventually find each other? This is one boring baby shower.
Yetta, Fran's baby shower is next week.
Oy, I can't believe I missed it! Can I at lease see the baby? Whoa! Look at you walking already.
Oh! You're going to be way too big for these Oshkosh B'gosh.
Oh, Niles, how am I going to figure out who my husband is leaving me for? He's not leaving you for why don't you go back to the psychic and ask for details? Like a name.
I can't.
They fired her.
Do you know that she predicted $138 would be missing from the cash register? What she neglected to predict was that they would search through her purse.
- Oh, why is he straying? - Oh, he's not straying.
Believe me, if he didn't leave when he met your mother, he ain't going nowhere.
Great news! The network called, and they decided to pick up my pilot.
Yeah, and they want me there for the announcement tomorrow at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Oh, God.
Is that in Beverly Hills? Oh, sweetheart, don't worry.
I'll only be gone a few days.
Don't leave me.
I'm begging you.
Think of the twins.
The twins.
Darling, I'm not leaving you.
I love you.
I'll call you tonight.
Oh, God, Niles, this is it! My worst fears are being realized! He's going to wind up in the arms of a sexy, blue-eyed blonde! All right, so the psychic was right about Val, but you have nothing to worry about.
He's not going to be with some sexy blue-eyed blonde in Beverly Hills.
He's going to be with Maxwell, did you get my carrier? - Miss Babcock.
- Miss Babcock.
I don't understand.
Why would she leave me for him? What I don't understand is why he would leave me for her.
( Imitating Fran's voice ) I don't know.
I knew it was too good to be true.
I was finally getting me some, and he took me some away.
You know, I'm sorry, I mean I know I am not blonde, but I'm kind of leggy.
Aren't I? I can't see anymore.
Well, I don't know about you, but I am not going to take this sitting down.
What are we going to do? Follow them to California? Listen to me, listening to you and this silly psychic.
This is ridiculous.
Your hormones are going crazy.
Your mood swings are all over the place.
Your ankles are so swollen you can't even Oh, my God.
He is going to leave you for her.
Well, that does it.
We're going to California.
And I'm packing something really cute so she'll like me better than him.
Oh, I'll take one of his suits.
Gee, do you think that if I find a really good push-up bra, I could pass the twins off as cleavage? Uh, excuse me, I'm Mrs.
Maxwell Sheffield.
I lost my key and I need a new one to get into our room.
Do you have proof that you're his wife? Uh, hello.
Very subtly look over your left shoulder, and tell me if that's Hello, I'm Fran Drescher, I'm checking in.
Nails, nails, nails.
Hi.
Excuse me, Miss Fran Drescher, but I am your biggest fan.
Oh, thank you.
My God, you really do talk like that.
Who would make this up? ( laughs ) So I see you're into the flat hair in real life.
Yeah, it's not for you.
You think it makes me look fat? You know, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips.
She learned that from your show.
Tell me something, what's the butler like? Is he as funny in person? I think he steals the whole show.
Can I interject? I thought you were so fabulous in "My Cousin Vinny.
" Where do you keep your Oscar? Uh, at Marisa Tomei's house.
Are you two here on vacation? Oh, no, we're here spying on her husband who's having an affair with my girlfriend.
We did that very same story this season.
Really? I didn't see that.
When was it on? Now.
And don't forget to watch the series finale next week.
Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world! Unless, of course, that's the night I'm having my twins.
Oh, look at him.
All by himself.
I feel like such an idiot.
Oh, that Niles.
So paranoid.
Honey? Honey? ( Screams ) What the hell are you doing in my bed? What the heck are you doing in my husband's bed? Oh, I can't believe this.
The psychic was right.
How can he do this to me after all we've been through to Meanwhile, where the hell is he? We switched rooms.
Chester likes a terrace.
Oh, really? Well, where is little Chester? Oh, I left him with Max.
Sometimes that dog can be a pain in the butt.
- Why did you bring him? - Because he's my baby.
This is so weird.
I mean, the psychic told me that Maxwell's going to end up in bed with a sexy, blue-eyed blond in California.
Your psychic thinks I'm sexy? Something's wrong here.
I mean, besides the fact that I just flew Nanny Fine, I can understand how you might not trust me with Maxwell.
After all, there were years of unrequited love and unfulfilled fantasies and oh, shameless come-ons.
But eventually, he came to see that he didn't have a chance in hell with me.
So I'm guessing it's only food left in the minibar.
Nanny Fine, you have nothing to worry about.
I found my man, and I am completely and totally, and multiply satisfied.
Really? That is the joy of being with a man who lives to serve others, baby.
Oh! ( Both laugh ) Somebody needs a waxing.
Let go.
You are not in Hollywood two minutes, and look at you already! Would you mind telling me what the heck the two of you are doing in here? My psychic saw you in Beverly Hills in bed, wrapped in the arms of a leggy blue-eyed blond.
- (gasps ) It's you! - It's me! Oh, thank God.
Your psychic thinks I'm leggy? Get out.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to clip your toenails.
Honey, honey, oh, it's a funny coincidence.
I love California.
What do you think of it? I find it arid, my hair doesn't get as frizzy You flew 3,000 miles because some silly psychic told you I was about to have an affair? Well, she wasn't totally wrong.
You were in bed with a leggy blue-eyed blond.
He scrubs my toilets.
I'm sorry, honey, I know that Libby was wrong, but if a sexy blue-eyed blonde woman did come onto you, you would tell her that you're madly in love with your big, fat, miserable, moody wife, wouldn't you? Well, of course I would.
You'd tell her I was fat? Well, it's just you know.
Pregnant describes it.
Fat I don't get.
I'm not fat, technically.
Um, Dad, you remember that time in your life when you wanted to take some time off before you went to college? No.
That's where we differ.
Just what exactly are you trying to tell me? That you don't want to go to college? Yeah.
Uh, I think I need to take some time off to figure out who I am.
You're Brighton Sheffield, Harvard freshman.
There.
Now you know.
See you spring break.
- I really need to do this.
- Absolutely not! Come on, dad, what did your father say when you told him you wanted to get into theater? - Absolutely not.
- And did you listen to him? Absolutely not.
But I still went to college.
Yeah, well I'm not saying I'm never going to go.
I just want a year off to travel.
I want to backpack through Germany.
I want to see the ancient city of Rome.
I want to go to Paris and eat cheese.
How do you propose to pay for this cheese? - Well, I can get a job.
- Oh, really? And how do you propose to do that when you don't even speak the language? You're going to do mime on the streets of Paris? You see how good I am? You got it like that! Oh, my God! Did you know this? Did you know your son isn't going to Harvard? - No.
- Well, sure you did, Fran.
Come on, sweetie, let's talk about this.
I know that you're upset, but listen, he's just a kid.
What do you want him to do 20 years from now? Look back on this time with regret? Yes.
I just don't want him to make a mistake.
But that will be his mistake.
Look, didn't a lot of people say you were making a mistake when you hired me? But that turned out good, didn't it? It turned out good, didn't it? Well, yes, of course it did.
Beyond my wildest dreams.
Sweetie, he'll be fine.
He's a smart boy.
He's got a good head on his shoulders.
Would you happen to know exactly what size that head is? - Why? - Well, when he was going to Harvard, I was going to show him my support by buying him a Porsche.
Now I suppose I'll have to buy him one of those berets with a funny ball on top.
Oh, sweetie.
So tell me, where do you see me 20 years from now? I see you with a man in New York.
And this this young guy in Paris.
And a jazz saxophonist in Chicago.
That sounds good.
Are you an organ donor? ( Jazz music playing )