The Neighborhood (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Hey, Grover, we're almost there.
Check out our new neighborhood.
I guess it looks cool.
I'll tell Grammy how nice it is so she won't be worried we moved.
Aw, did Grammy tell you she was worried? She said she wishes we didn't have to live so far away.
Aw.
She also wishes we weren't moving to a black neighborhood.
- I am really gonna miss your mom.
- Okay.
Buddy, I-I wouldn't call it a black neighborhood.
Really? He's black.
He's black.
She's black.
Would you look at over there? That's a palm tree.
Oh, yeah, right next to that black guy.
All right, son.
It's time to set up for Yardecue Day.
Got to get the tables, fire up the smoker, and prep the meats.
Yeah, that sounds like a whole lot.
You'd better get busy.
What is so important on this phone? I know it's not looking for a job.
It's a video talking about evolution.
It says the number one key to survival is being able to adapt to change.
Hmm.
You know, the number one key to your survival is getting your butt up and helping me stack some wood.
Hey, hey, Pop, look.
I hate stacking that wood, man.
There's always spiders.
Exactly.
That's why you're stacking the wood.
Six, seven, eight Sweetie, please stop counting black people.
Okay, just because there's more diversity here doesn't mean we won't get along with everyone.
Inside of all these homes are people and families that are just like us.
Plus, my new school where you're gonna go is super close by.
Yes, and that's another reason why we chose this house.
Mm-hmm.
Grammy says that it was the only house that we could afford.
Wow, it's like she's still here.
A spider is on me! It got me! It's not funny, man.
You know, you are extra annoying on Yardecue Day.
Son, how can you have such a bad attitude on a day like today? Yardecue Day is about bringing our community together to celebrate what makes this neighborhood special.
- Which is? - Me.
Seriously, son, our family's been in this neighborhood for generations, and the culture that we helped to create is worthy of respect.
Now you watch the firebox while I go in and season the meat.
Oh, boy, you mean I actually get to touch the smoker? No, you don't get to touch the smoker.
I said watch the smoker.
Don't touch the smoker.
I'm the only one touches the smoker.
Man, I hate Yardecue Day.
Hey, we're your new neighbors, the Johnsons.
Dave, hurry.
He needs to pee.
I'm sorry.
Long drive, big soda.
I'm coming, hold on.
Hey, look, our neighbor's diverse, too.
Although maybe today's gonna be more fun than I thought.
Hey, Ma.
Hey.
I heard tires screech.
I hate it when those gangbangers tear up the street.
You know, I saw them.
Uh, I'm not too sure what gang they would be a part of.
Oh, really? Well, who was it, then? Oh, it's the new neighbors.
Says their names are the Johnsons.
- Johnsons? - Hmm.
- Well, all right.
- Yeah.
It is good to hear another successful black family moving into that nice house.
You know, keeping the neighborhood headed in a positive direction.
I'm so glad to hear you say that.
Calvin, how about we go over there and invite them to Yardecue Day.
- You know what, that's a good idea.
- Mm-hmm.
I think that is a great idea.
How I look, baby? Mmm, as handsome as ever, baby.
Hey there.
Hello.
Uh, we're-we're looking for the Johnsons.
Well, you found 'em.
Dave Johnson.
Nice to meet you.
Take a step back so I can see the handshake.
Uh, nice to meet you, too.
I'm Tina.
This is my husband Calvin.
We're the Butlers.
Oh, great, 'cause I rang for some tea about a half hour ago.
- What the? - Actually, we're your new neighbors.
And we live right next door.
Oh, no way.
This is you guys right here? - Uh-huh.
- It's so nice to meet you.
So, your name is Johnson? Like-like Magic Johnson, Dwayne Johnson? All the other black Johnsons? Oh, yeah.
And like Magic Johnson, I'm from Michigan, and like Dwayne Johnson, I rock.
That's pretty f That's a pretty serious smoker you got there.
Oh, yeah.
Calvin built it himself.
We own an auto repair shop.
Calvin's really good with tools.
Oh, that's so cool.
I love to barbecue.
What kind of wood do you use? Hickory.
Little mixture of oak and pecan.
Wow.
I'd love to try that someday.
- I bet you would.
- Why don't you, uh come by later.
A bunch of people from the neighborhood are gonna stop by.
Ooh.
You know, I don't know that we can.
The movers should be here any minute.
Aw, just come by for a bit.
In this neighborhood, we believe in hospitality.
- Right? - But we also believe in privacy, so, you know, do what you got to do.
You know.
Hey.
Okay, well, we'll try to make it over for a plate.
- Well, all right.
- Okay.
It was so nice to meet you guys.
- Yeah, okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- We'll see you later.
- All right.
All right.
- All right, okay I'm gonna kill you.
- Yeah.
I just got off the phone with the movers.
They won't be here until tomorrow.
There was a huge accident on the highway.
Oh, that's great! I mean, I-I hope no one was hurt.
But now we can go to the barbecue.
What barbecue? Next door.
Our neighbors just invited us.
Oh, that's nice.
But where are we supposed to sleep tonight? Ooh, the camping gear's in the car.
I could set it up in here.
Okay.
But I guess that means you're gonna have to pitch a tent for me.
I can pitch a tent if you chop my wood.
Sweetie, we really need to work on our sexy talk.
Yeah, that was That was bad.
That was bad.
Hello! Uh, hi.
I'm Marty Butler.
My parents told me you just moved in and Ah.
I had to come and see for myself.
Well, hi.
I'm Dave Johnson.
Come on in.
- Hi.
- This is my wife Gemma.
Hi, Gemma.
Hi.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, they weren't kidding when they said you guys were-were were not from around here.
Oh, no.
We just moved here from a small town in Michigan.
Right into this neighborhood.
I love it.
And why wouldn't you? Look at these built-ins.
Oh, I know.
Aren't they to die for? They might just be.
I'm sorry, what? No, it's just that there aren't a lot of other people like you around here.
I'm sorry, are-are you saying it's gonna be a problem that we live here? No, not at all.
No, not for me.
You know, I'm an engineer, so all the science says it's good for people to live in diverse communities.
Oh.
Well, good.
We couldn't agree more.
Yeah, it's too bad my dad hates science.
Calvin? But he just invited us to a barbecue.
Oh, no.
No, actually, my mom did.
At least, that's how it's being discussed very loudly at my house right now.
Oh.
Well, Gem, if that's how he feels, we shouldn't go.
Ooh.
Uh, I'm afraid it's not that easy.
You see, my mom invited you into her home.
If you don't come, she will be offended.
Won't she understand? Seriously? What is it like where you come from? Besides, you got to come or you'll seem racist.
Is that the original hardware on this door? What? We are not racist.
If-if anyone's being racist, it sounds like it's your dad.
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
See, uh, black people can't be racist.
We can be racial.
Not "cist.
" "Cial.
" "Cist.
" Well, we're not "cist" or "cial" or Whatever we are, we're not.
Your mom was nice enough to invite us, and where we come from, that means something.
We're going.
- Okay, but, Gem, we're - I said we're going.
And we are gonna have fun! Oh, I know I'm gonna have some fun.
Hey, Pop, Mom wants to know how Mm-hmm.
That's what you get for pulling that little stunt you did with the neighbors earlier.
You lucky it's the smoke the only thing that's choking you.
Okay, man.
Look, why are you so mad that that guy's coming over here? Because it's Yardecue Day, and this is my house, - and I don't like that guy.
- Oh, yeah? Why? Because he's too familiar.
He acts like he knows you when he doesn't, and I can't stand that.
It sounds like he's just being friendly, Pop.
Exactly.
It's weird, man.
A-And I'm pretty sure it's racist, too.
Oh, man, he's cool.
The first thing he did when he got here was shake my hand.
Son, look, you're only saying that because you don't know there are two types of racists: there's ones who hate black people and ones who love black people.
A white guy trying to shake your hand? Stay woke, son.
Is this meat the only thing you been smoking all day? Son, look, there are some white people that love black people just because they're black.
Makes them feel all good on the inside.
You know, like they're doing us a favor.
"Hey, I have lots of black friends.
"I'm a good person.
I find Rihanna very attractive.
" So, basically, you think this guy is racist because he's too nice to you? Think about it.
Would you be nice to me if we just met? Well, damn, that's a good point.
Besides, man, this is a black neighborhood, something built for us by us.
You let one family like that move in, and next thing you know, it's gonna be a bunch of dudes jogging around in their little short shorts, walking their vegan labradoodles.
Dad, do we have to go to the barbecue? Why? Did Mommy say we didn't have to go? No.
Oh.
Well, why don't you want to go, buddy? I think there's gonna be a bunch of kids over there.
I know, but what if no one wants to play with me? Oh, come here.
Look I know you're scared, and that's okay.
I-I'm surprisingly worried, too.
But trust me, we're both gonna go over there.
We're gonna make some friends today.
All right, Johnsons, let's go make that jerk love us.
Is Mommy why you're worried? She is now.
Hey, baby.
Any sign of the new neighbors yet? Nope.
- Well, ain't that something? - Hmm.
I invite them into my home, laugh at his corny jokes.
You know, he has the audacity not to show up.
- Tina! - Hi, Dave.
So glad you could make it.
Calvin.
Hey, Dave.
Hi, I'm Tina.
I'm Gemma.
This is our son, Grover.
Grover? Grover Johnson? We brought this.
We got it to celebrate our first night in the house, but we thought it'd be fun to share it with our new neighbors.
Oh, how thoughtful.
Isn't that thoughtful, baby? I'm more of a beer man, myself.
I'm more of a beer man, too.
I just love a good IPA.
How about you? Dude, I just like beer.
Well, how about we go inside and pop this baby open? And show all these freeloaders how to bring a gift! So aren't you gonna go in and have some champagne? No, like I said, I'm-I'm a beer man, too.
So, let's take a look at your meat.
I'm gonna go inside.
You guys playing chess? Who's winning? Malcolm always beats me, - but today I got him - Checkmate.
Oh, you I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
That's-that's my fault, I distracted you.
Yeah.
You heard him, he distracted me.
He owes you five dollars, not me.
We started to meet earlier; I'm Dave.
Hey, Dave.
I'm Malcolm.
May I? Yeah, go ahead, man.
I'm white.
Yes, you are.
So, you and Marty both live here? Oh, no, I do.
When Marty got a job, he moved to a different neighborhood.
Oh, how come? Because my dad said, "You got a job, now get out.
" So tell me about the other neighbors.
Okay.
Well, um, that's Rudy and Teresa's place over there.
They're really nice.
Miss Kim, she's an elderly lady, she lives over there, and that is where Victor lives.
Oh, what's Victor like? Oh, he's cool, man.
You know, for a crackhead.
Wow.
I mean, that's-that's crazy that we live across the street from a-a crackhead.
Hey, man.
You can't be calling Crackhead Victor a crackhead.
I'm-I'm sorry, but you just did.
I know I did, because I know him like that.
You don't, all right? That dude used to be the coolest guy on this block.
We used to ride our bikes up and down the street together.
Wow, so you guys were friends? What happened? The dude started smoking crack.
Man, you know, I used to think that guys like him were the problem, but now, seeing everything that's going on with the opioid epidemic, starting to think that it's the addicts who are the real victims.
Absolutely.
- Who're the real victims? - The addicts.
Like our neighbor, Crack Like Victor.
You see, son? See? This is what I'm talking about.
This guy likes black people so much, he thinks he likes Victor.
Okay.
We'll see how much you like him once he steals all the airbags out your car.
Hi.
Hey, everybody's almost gone; maybe we should go, too.
No way.
Tina and I are having fun.
Did you know she was a Laker girl for one game? But, you know, I don't think Calvin wants us here.
I keep trying to connect with him and nothing seems to be working.
Oh, sweetie, relax.
You're trying too hard.
You're coming off thirsty.
Tina just taught me that.
Oh.
Girl, I realized we have been talking all day, and I still haven't asked you why you moved here.
Oh, I got a job as a principal - at a little progressive school nearby.
- Oh, wow.
Wait a minute now.
What's a "progressive school"? Oh, it means they don't teach the kids anything.
That's not true.
We just believe children learn better when they're motivated by a feeling of personal satisfaction instead of grades.
Okay.
Yeah.
Th-That's the progressive way of saying what I just said.
Don't talk to my new friend like that.
It's not her fault that her school sounds stupid.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.
It's cool.
I know you weren't throwing shade.
Ah.
I learned that, too.
Oh, baby, there you are.
Come on in, join us.
Oh, actually, I was gonna eat outside.
But there's nobody out there.
Exactly.
Please.
Oh.
Oh.
Th-There's a button right next to you, on the side.
It's all you.
So, Dave, what do you do? I'm a professional conflict mediator.
What's that? Well, you know, when two people have a problem they can't solve, they hire me to come in and help them fix it.
So it's like when I fix a car, but what I do is real, and what you do is some touchy-feely fairy-tale-type crap.
Well, I wouldn't call it a fairy tale.
Yeah, it's a real job, and he's good at it.
It sounds like to me, you think you just know better than everybody else.
Oh, please.
You are the only one here who thinks he knows better than everybody else.
Okay, you know, I've had about enough of your disrespect today.
Pop, you're always talking to me about respect, - and you never show me any.
- Well, that's because when I get up, I go to work; when you get up, you go pee.
You know what, man? I don't need this.
- You don't need what? - I don't need you telling me to get a job all the time like I don't have plans of my own.
Plans of your own? Boy, you can't even afford your own data plan.
Well, that's funny, right? Embarrassing me in front - of these people I don't know? - You-you started it.
Hey, uh, guys.
Guys.
Maybe I can help.
- Oh, God, Dave, please don't.
- No, no, no, it's okay.
Look, this-this is what I do.
Now, it seems to me like neither one of you is feeling respected.
Wow.
Dave, you are really good at your job.
Thanks.
Malcolm, tell your dad why you feel like he doesn't respect you.
Come on, come on.
I'm not doing this.
See, no.
This is just another white guy trying to fix a black man's problem so he can feel good about himself.
Calvin, that's not fair.
Really? Okay.
Tell me how you feel about Rihanna.
I find her very attractive.
Oh, God.
You see? This is what I'm talking about.
I've been giving this guy a hard time all day, yet he's still being nice to me.
Why? Because I'm a black man.
It's like affirmative action for friends.
Okay, look.
Uh, Calvin, that's not true.
Look, I-I just want to be friends with my neighbors.
And yeah, maybe I'm trying a little extra hard because I'm the only white guy around.
If that makes me seem racist, then I'm-I'm sorry.
In fact Hey, look, I'm I'm sorry if-if I seem racist.
I'm Hey, hey, man, I'm-I'm sorry if I seem racist.
All right.
Thank you.
Look, if I give you a hug, would you leave my house? All right.
Okay.
All right.
Cool, Dad, you made the jerk like you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for having us.
Yeah, uh, you'll have to come over to our house next.
Okay.
And it's because we want you there, not just because you're black.
- Dave! - Okay.
Can you believe it? I mean, can you believe it? That little boy's name is Grover Johnson.
Hey, what's up, man? Oh, hey.
Wait.
You're not gonna jump over here and try to hug me again, are you? No, no.
Hey, thanks for having my back in there with your dad.
Oh, that's cool.
But, you know, if he kicks me out, I'm coming to move in with y'all.
Hey, can I ask you a question? Do you think it was a mistake to move here? Why would that be a mistake? Well, I-I don't know.
You know, maybe you're dad's right; I don't fit in here.
I kept trying to be a good guy today, but no one seemed to see me that way.
Yeah, well, you know, it's hard when you see yourself one way, and the rest of the world, they see you another.
Doesn't feel very good, does it? Nope.
Not at all.
Look, you know this is gonna sound corny, but I-I really believe that if people would just focus on what we have in common instead of how we're different, w-we could solve so many of our problems.
You know what? That may be true.
But I also think it's a lot easier for someone like you to believe that, than it is for someone like me.
Okay.
I better get to bed.
Uh, good night.
Good night, man.
Hey, Dave.
Yeah? Welcome to the neighborhood.
"I have lots of black friends.
"
Check out our new neighborhood.
I guess it looks cool.
I'll tell Grammy how nice it is so she won't be worried we moved.
Aw, did Grammy tell you she was worried? She said she wishes we didn't have to live so far away.
Aw.
She also wishes we weren't moving to a black neighborhood.
- I am really gonna miss your mom.
- Okay.
Buddy, I-I wouldn't call it a black neighborhood.
Really? He's black.
He's black.
She's black.
Would you look at over there? That's a palm tree.
Oh, yeah, right next to that black guy.
All right, son.
It's time to set up for Yardecue Day.
Got to get the tables, fire up the smoker, and prep the meats.
Yeah, that sounds like a whole lot.
You'd better get busy.
What is so important on this phone? I know it's not looking for a job.
It's a video talking about evolution.
It says the number one key to survival is being able to adapt to change.
Hmm.
You know, the number one key to your survival is getting your butt up and helping me stack some wood.
Hey, hey, Pop, look.
I hate stacking that wood, man.
There's always spiders.
Exactly.
That's why you're stacking the wood.
Six, seven, eight Sweetie, please stop counting black people.
Okay, just because there's more diversity here doesn't mean we won't get along with everyone.
Inside of all these homes are people and families that are just like us.
Plus, my new school where you're gonna go is super close by.
Yes, and that's another reason why we chose this house.
Mm-hmm.
Grammy says that it was the only house that we could afford.
Wow, it's like she's still here.
A spider is on me! It got me! It's not funny, man.
You know, you are extra annoying on Yardecue Day.
Son, how can you have such a bad attitude on a day like today? Yardecue Day is about bringing our community together to celebrate what makes this neighborhood special.
- Which is? - Me.
Seriously, son, our family's been in this neighborhood for generations, and the culture that we helped to create is worthy of respect.
Now you watch the firebox while I go in and season the meat.
Oh, boy, you mean I actually get to touch the smoker? No, you don't get to touch the smoker.
I said watch the smoker.
Don't touch the smoker.
I'm the only one touches the smoker.
Man, I hate Yardecue Day.
Hey, we're your new neighbors, the Johnsons.
Dave, hurry.
He needs to pee.
I'm sorry.
Long drive, big soda.
I'm coming, hold on.
Hey, look, our neighbor's diverse, too.
Although maybe today's gonna be more fun than I thought.
Hey, Ma.
Hey.
I heard tires screech.
I hate it when those gangbangers tear up the street.
You know, I saw them.
Uh, I'm not too sure what gang they would be a part of.
Oh, really? Well, who was it, then? Oh, it's the new neighbors.
Says their names are the Johnsons.
- Johnsons? - Hmm.
- Well, all right.
- Yeah.
It is good to hear another successful black family moving into that nice house.
You know, keeping the neighborhood headed in a positive direction.
I'm so glad to hear you say that.
Calvin, how about we go over there and invite them to Yardecue Day.
- You know what, that's a good idea.
- Mm-hmm.
I think that is a great idea.
How I look, baby? Mmm, as handsome as ever, baby.
Hey there.
Hello.
Uh, we're-we're looking for the Johnsons.
Well, you found 'em.
Dave Johnson.
Nice to meet you.
Take a step back so I can see the handshake.
Uh, nice to meet you, too.
I'm Tina.
This is my husband Calvin.
We're the Butlers.
Oh, great, 'cause I rang for some tea about a half hour ago.
- What the? - Actually, we're your new neighbors.
And we live right next door.
Oh, no way.
This is you guys right here? - Uh-huh.
- It's so nice to meet you.
So, your name is Johnson? Like-like Magic Johnson, Dwayne Johnson? All the other black Johnsons? Oh, yeah.
And like Magic Johnson, I'm from Michigan, and like Dwayne Johnson, I rock.
That's pretty f That's a pretty serious smoker you got there.
Oh, yeah.
Calvin built it himself.
We own an auto repair shop.
Calvin's really good with tools.
Oh, that's so cool.
I love to barbecue.
What kind of wood do you use? Hickory.
Little mixture of oak and pecan.
Wow.
I'd love to try that someday.
- I bet you would.
- Why don't you, uh come by later.
A bunch of people from the neighborhood are gonna stop by.
Ooh.
You know, I don't know that we can.
The movers should be here any minute.
Aw, just come by for a bit.
In this neighborhood, we believe in hospitality.
- Right? - But we also believe in privacy, so, you know, do what you got to do.
You know.
Hey.
Okay, well, we'll try to make it over for a plate.
- Well, all right.
- Okay.
It was so nice to meet you guys.
- Yeah, okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- We'll see you later.
- All right.
All right.
- All right, okay I'm gonna kill you.
- Yeah.
I just got off the phone with the movers.
They won't be here until tomorrow.
There was a huge accident on the highway.
Oh, that's great! I mean, I-I hope no one was hurt.
But now we can go to the barbecue.
What barbecue? Next door.
Our neighbors just invited us.
Oh, that's nice.
But where are we supposed to sleep tonight? Ooh, the camping gear's in the car.
I could set it up in here.
Okay.
But I guess that means you're gonna have to pitch a tent for me.
I can pitch a tent if you chop my wood.
Sweetie, we really need to work on our sexy talk.
Yeah, that was That was bad.
That was bad.
Hello! Uh, hi.
I'm Marty Butler.
My parents told me you just moved in and Ah.
I had to come and see for myself.
Well, hi.
I'm Dave Johnson.
Come on in.
- Hi.
- This is my wife Gemma.
Hi, Gemma.
Hi.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, they weren't kidding when they said you guys were-were were not from around here.
Oh, no.
We just moved here from a small town in Michigan.
Right into this neighborhood.
I love it.
And why wouldn't you? Look at these built-ins.
Oh, I know.
Aren't they to die for? They might just be.
I'm sorry, what? No, it's just that there aren't a lot of other people like you around here.
I'm sorry, are-are you saying it's gonna be a problem that we live here? No, not at all.
No, not for me.
You know, I'm an engineer, so all the science says it's good for people to live in diverse communities.
Oh.
Well, good.
We couldn't agree more.
Yeah, it's too bad my dad hates science.
Calvin? But he just invited us to a barbecue.
Oh, no.
No, actually, my mom did.
At least, that's how it's being discussed very loudly at my house right now.
Oh.
Well, Gem, if that's how he feels, we shouldn't go.
Ooh.
Uh, I'm afraid it's not that easy.
You see, my mom invited you into her home.
If you don't come, she will be offended.
Won't she understand? Seriously? What is it like where you come from? Besides, you got to come or you'll seem racist.
Is that the original hardware on this door? What? We are not racist.
If-if anyone's being racist, it sounds like it's your dad.
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
See, uh, black people can't be racist.
We can be racial.
Not "cist.
" "Cial.
" "Cist.
" Well, we're not "cist" or "cial" or Whatever we are, we're not.
Your mom was nice enough to invite us, and where we come from, that means something.
We're going.
- Okay, but, Gem, we're - I said we're going.
And we are gonna have fun! Oh, I know I'm gonna have some fun.
Hey, Pop, Mom wants to know how Mm-hmm.
That's what you get for pulling that little stunt you did with the neighbors earlier.
You lucky it's the smoke the only thing that's choking you.
Okay, man.
Look, why are you so mad that that guy's coming over here? Because it's Yardecue Day, and this is my house, - and I don't like that guy.
- Oh, yeah? Why? Because he's too familiar.
He acts like he knows you when he doesn't, and I can't stand that.
It sounds like he's just being friendly, Pop.
Exactly.
It's weird, man.
A-And I'm pretty sure it's racist, too.
Oh, man, he's cool.
The first thing he did when he got here was shake my hand.
Son, look, you're only saying that because you don't know there are two types of racists: there's ones who hate black people and ones who love black people.
A white guy trying to shake your hand? Stay woke, son.
Is this meat the only thing you been smoking all day? Son, look, there are some white people that love black people just because they're black.
Makes them feel all good on the inside.
You know, like they're doing us a favor.
"Hey, I have lots of black friends.
"I'm a good person.
I find Rihanna very attractive.
" So, basically, you think this guy is racist because he's too nice to you? Think about it.
Would you be nice to me if we just met? Well, damn, that's a good point.
Besides, man, this is a black neighborhood, something built for us by us.
You let one family like that move in, and next thing you know, it's gonna be a bunch of dudes jogging around in their little short shorts, walking their vegan labradoodles.
Dad, do we have to go to the barbecue? Why? Did Mommy say we didn't have to go? No.
Oh.
Well, why don't you want to go, buddy? I think there's gonna be a bunch of kids over there.
I know, but what if no one wants to play with me? Oh, come here.
Look I know you're scared, and that's okay.
I-I'm surprisingly worried, too.
But trust me, we're both gonna go over there.
We're gonna make some friends today.
All right, Johnsons, let's go make that jerk love us.
Is Mommy why you're worried? She is now.
Hey, baby.
Any sign of the new neighbors yet? Nope.
- Well, ain't that something? - Hmm.
I invite them into my home, laugh at his corny jokes.
You know, he has the audacity not to show up.
- Tina! - Hi, Dave.
So glad you could make it.
Calvin.
Hey, Dave.
Hi, I'm Tina.
I'm Gemma.
This is our son, Grover.
Grover? Grover Johnson? We brought this.
We got it to celebrate our first night in the house, but we thought it'd be fun to share it with our new neighbors.
Oh, how thoughtful.
Isn't that thoughtful, baby? I'm more of a beer man, myself.
I'm more of a beer man, too.
I just love a good IPA.
How about you? Dude, I just like beer.
Well, how about we go inside and pop this baby open? And show all these freeloaders how to bring a gift! So aren't you gonna go in and have some champagne? No, like I said, I'm-I'm a beer man, too.
So, let's take a look at your meat.
I'm gonna go inside.
You guys playing chess? Who's winning? Malcolm always beats me, - but today I got him - Checkmate.
Oh, you I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
That's-that's my fault, I distracted you.
Yeah.
You heard him, he distracted me.
He owes you five dollars, not me.
We started to meet earlier; I'm Dave.
Hey, Dave.
I'm Malcolm.
May I? Yeah, go ahead, man.
I'm white.
Yes, you are.
So, you and Marty both live here? Oh, no, I do.
When Marty got a job, he moved to a different neighborhood.
Oh, how come? Because my dad said, "You got a job, now get out.
" So tell me about the other neighbors.
Okay.
Well, um, that's Rudy and Teresa's place over there.
They're really nice.
Miss Kim, she's an elderly lady, she lives over there, and that is where Victor lives.
Oh, what's Victor like? Oh, he's cool, man.
You know, for a crackhead.
Wow.
I mean, that's-that's crazy that we live across the street from a-a crackhead.
Hey, man.
You can't be calling Crackhead Victor a crackhead.
I'm-I'm sorry, but you just did.
I know I did, because I know him like that.
You don't, all right? That dude used to be the coolest guy on this block.
We used to ride our bikes up and down the street together.
Wow, so you guys were friends? What happened? The dude started smoking crack.
Man, you know, I used to think that guys like him were the problem, but now, seeing everything that's going on with the opioid epidemic, starting to think that it's the addicts who are the real victims.
Absolutely.
- Who're the real victims? - The addicts.
Like our neighbor, Crack Like Victor.
You see, son? See? This is what I'm talking about.
This guy likes black people so much, he thinks he likes Victor.
Okay.
We'll see how much you like him once he steals all the airbags out your car.
Hi.
Hey, everybody's almost gone; maybe we should go, too.
No way.
Tina and I are having fun.
Did you know she was a Laker girl for one game? But, you know, I don't think Calvin wants us here.
I keep trying to connect with him and nothing seems to be working.
Oh, sweetie, relax.
You're trying too hard.
You're coming off thirsty.
Tina just taught me that.
Oh.
Girl, I realized we have been talking all day, and I still haven't asked you why you moved here.
Oh, I got a job as a principal - at a little progressive school nearby.
- Oh, wow.
Wait a minute now.
What's a "progressive school"? Oh, it means they don't teach the kids anything.
That's not true.
We just believe children learn better when they're motivated by a feeling of personal satisfaction instead of grades.
Okay.
Yeah.
Th-That's the progressive way of saying what I just said.
Don't talk to my new friend like that.
It's not her fault that her school sounds stupid.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.
It's cool.
I know you weren't throwing shade.
Ah.
I learned that, too.
Oh, baby, there you are.
Come on in, join us.
Oh, actually, I was gonna eat outside.
But there's nobody out there.
Exactly.
Please.
Oh.
Oh.
Th-There's a button right next to you, on the side.
It's all you.
So, Dave, what do you do? I'm a professional conflict mediator.
What's that? Well, you know, when two people have a problem they can't solve, they hire me to come in and help them fix it.
So it's like when I fix a car, but what I do is real, and what you do is some touchy-feely fairy-tale-type crap.
Well, I wouldn't call it a fairy tale.
Yeah, it's a real job, and he's good at it.
It sounds like to me, you think you just know better than everybody else.
Oh, please.
You are the only one here who thinks he knows better than everybody else.
Okay, you know, I've had about enough of your disrespect today.
Pop, you're always talking to me about respect, - and you never show me any.
- Well, that's because when I get up, I go to work; when you get up, you go pee.
You know what, man? I don't need this.
- You don't need what? - I don't need you telling me to get a job all the time like I don't have plans of my own.
Plans of your own? Boy, you can't even afford your own data plan.
Well, that's funny, right? Embarrassing me in front - of these people I don't know? - You-you started it.
Hey, uh, guys.
Guys.
Maybe I can help.
- Oh, God, Dave, please don't.
- No, no, no, it's okay.
Look, this-this is what I do.
Now, it seems to me like neither one of you is feeling respected.
Wow.
Dave, you are really good at your job.
Thanks.
Malcolm, tell your dad why you feel like he doesn't respect you.
Come on, come on.
I'm not doing this.
See, no.
This is just another white guy trying to fix a black man's problem so he can feel good about himself.
Calvin, that's not fair.
Really? Okay.
Tell me how you feel about Rihanna.
I find her very attractive.
Oh, God.
You see? This is what I'm talking about.
I've been giving this guy a hard time all day, yet he's still being nice to me.
Why? Because I'm a black man.
It's like affirmative action for friends.
Okay, look.
Uh, Calvin, that's not true.
Look, I-I just want to be friends with my neighbors.
And yeah, maybe I'm trying a little extra hard because I'm the only white guy around.
If that makes me seem racist, then I'm-I'm sorry.
In fact Hey, look, I'm I'm sorry if-if I seem racist.
I'm Hey, hey, man, I'm-I'm sorry if I seem racist.
All right.
Thank you.
Look, if I give you a hug, would you leave my house? All right.
Okay.
All right.
Cool, Dad, you made the jerk like you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for having us.
Yeah, uh, you'll have to come over to our house next.
Okay.
And it's because we want you there, not just because you're black.
- Dave! - Okay.
Can you believe it? I mean, can you believe it? That little boy's name is Grover Johnson.
Hey, what's up, man? Oh, hey.
Wait.
You're not gonna jump over here and try to hug me again, are you? No, no.
Hey, thanks for having my back in there with your dad.
Oh, that's cool.
But, you know, if he kicks me out, I'm coming to move in with y'all.
Hey, can I ask you a question? Do you think it was a mistake to move here? Why would that be a mistake? Well, I-I don't know.
You know, maybe you're dad's right; I don't fit in here.
I kept trying to be a good guy today, but no one seemed to see me that way.
Yeah, well, you know, it's hard when you see yourself one way, and the rest of the world, they see you another.
Doesn't feel very good, does it? Nope.
Not at all.
Look, you know this is gonna sound corny, but I-I really believe that if people would just focus on what we have in common instead of how we're different, w-we could solve so many of our problems.
You know what? That may be true.
But I also think it's a lot easier for someone like you to believe that, than it is for someone like me.
Okay.
I better get to bed.
Uh, good night.
Good night, man.
Hey, Dave.
Yeah? Welcome to the neighborhood.
"I have lots of black friends.
"