The Neighborhood (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

Welcome to the Housewarming

1 Dave, slow down.
I'm just excited.
I know, but you're running like you're about to miss a flight.
Ooh, I have never missed a flight and I never will.
You are weirdly arrogant about that.
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, Dave.
Gemma.
We just wanted to swing by and drop off one of these.
What's this? It's an invitation to our housewarming party.
Yeah, it's gonna be awesome.
I can see, it says it right here.
"It's gonna be awesome.
" Yeah, well, uh, it's in all caps so you know it's true.
We thought a party would be a great way to get to know some of our new neighbors.
Yeah, become a part of the community, but in an awesome way.
Yeah, that's great.
Too bad I can't make it.
Well, you haven't even looked at when it is.
Eh.
Yep, I can't make it.
Why not? Well, you know, the first Saturday of every month is, uh, dart night down at Ernie's Hot Spot.
Can't you just skip it this one time? Yeah.
It's gonna be a great party.
Gemma, tell him what they used to call me back in Michigan.
- The Party King of Kalamazoo.
- The Okay.
I didn't know I was in the presence of royalty.
Will you tell Tina and the boys? Sure.
Hey, uh, Calvin.
Don't go down to the bar and throw darts.
Come to the party and and throw down.
Do I have to go to a sleepover? I want to stay for the party.
Oh, baby, you wouldn't like it.
It's just gonna be a bunch of boring grown-ups talking about boring grown-up stuff.
A little help with the beer pong table? Why are you bringing that in here? Well, it's a party, it's supposed to be fun.
I know, but it's a housewarming, not some rager that gets you kicked off campus.
Okay.
That was not my fault.
They told me those goats were trained.
Sweetie, relax.
This is just gonna be a tasteful evening of getting to know our new neighbors.
Ugh.
But that's boring grown-up stuff.
You're right, Mom.
I'll skip this one.
Why are you changing the plan all of a sudden? - Is this because of Calvin? - Calvin? I didn't say anything about Calvin.
You said Calvin.
If anyone's obsessed with Calvin, it's you.
He told us he already has plans.
I know.
To play darts.
It's like he thinks our party's gonna be lame.
Why would he think that, Party King of Kalamazoo? I don't get it.
Every time I try to be his friend he throws it back in my face.
You know, we're next-door neighbors.
We are supposed to get along.
Well, instead of throwing this party for the neighbors who don't want to come, maybe you should be throwing it for the neighbors who do.
I am.
I just hope they tell Calvin about it.
Oh, man, I can't believe you're really not coming to this party.
And I can't believe that you want me to miss dart night at Ernie's.
It's a beautiful tradition.
The only reason you like going is to hustle people at darts.
It's a beautiful tradition.
Well, I'm looking forward to the party.
Ooh.
I bet they're gonna have a signature cocktail with a clever name like, like, "Gemma and Juice.
" Or, or-or, uh, "Fuzzy Davel.
" Yeah? Ah, baby, why don't you make an exception this one time? Hey, look, I'll two-step with you.
To what? Taylor Swift? So that's what it is.
You don't want to go 'cause this is gonna be a white people party.
No, I don't want to go because I don't want Dave using me like he's using all of y'all to legitimize his lame-ass party.
Come on, Pop.
He's not using us.
Y'all don't get it.
See, the Johnsons are like the pilgrims.
Uh, uh, no, hang on.
Look, they need the natives, i.
e.
us, to navigate through the cold winter, i.
e.
their corny-ass party.
They think that they can come onto our land, plant their flag and then claim this neighborhood as their own.
Look at you.
You a perm away from being Al Sharpton.
Come on, boys.
Hey, look, you two.
Unlike your father, we're here to have a good time, support our new neighbors and show them what this community is about, okay? Perfect timing, you guys.
We're just getting started.
All right.
All right now Baby, it's all right now Ten minutes, and we out of here.
Yeah.
Baby, it's all right now So then, I had a cortisone shot in my left hip.
And that didn't do nothing but make me mad.
Well, that was a long answer for "What time did you get here?" Hey, here's your drink, Ma.
Ugh, please let this be strong.
It's nice to see you, Miss Kim.
You too, Malcolm.
Mm-mm! Haven't you grown all big and handsome? Yeah, I'm gonna some more of this.
Mom, do not leave me.
Well, you said you wanted to meet a girl.
Yeah, but not a Golden Girl.
Oh, I love these cocktails, Gemma.
Your name is Johnson, Johnsangria.
It was there the whole time.
It's basically white wine, pomegranate juice and fresh fruit.
Ah, and in a mason jar.
Ah, it's like a real-life Pinterest post.
Yes.
Uh, hey, sweetie, can I grab you for just a second? Oh, go ahead, I'll just have some of these, uh, cut-up veggies you've labeled "crudité.
" Uh, hey, Gemma? This party's a disaster.
W-Why isn't anyone here? Sweetie, relax.
It's early still.
And Tina told me maybe some people are on CP time.
What's that? I don't know.
I think it means cool people time.
Well, how do we let all the cool people know that the party's ready to get started? I got it.
Oh, my I'm gonna go put a balloon outside.
Cool balloons, Dave.
Yeah, well, you'll be sorry when all the cool people show up! Just so muscular.
Tell me, Malcolm, what are you doing for a job these days? Actually, I don't have one, Miss Kim.
Well, you can come to my house.
I'll put you to work.
- Hey, uh, uh, Tina? - Hmm? I need your help.
This party is dying.
No.
Miss Kim is dying, this party is dead.
Well, what can I do to get this thing going? Dave, you, you trying to get turnt? Based on context, yes, I think so.
Okay.
All right, Gemma, Marty, Malcolm, get over here.
We're about to turn this party up.
Uh, but not too much.
I don't want Miss Kim to feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, I don't think that's possible.
Okay, so how turnt are we talking? Well, totally turnt, all the way turnt.
Turnt over.
Okay, okay.
Well, I'm gonna order some Roscoe's.
Marty, you get on the music, Malcolm, you start texting folks.
Oh, good, get some females in here who didn't used to babysit me.
All right, but, uh, for the record, I was having a lovely time.
Ernie.
Oh! Give me another round for the boys, man.
Uh-oh.
If you buying, that means you lost to them younguns.
Yeah, oh, Teddy got me on the last throw.
Uh-huh.
So why are you smiling, then? Because the next game is for money, and I'm gonna start throwing with my good hand.
All right, then.
There you go.
Uh, how you been, Calvin? Eh, I can't complain.
You know, life is good.
Good enough to finally leave me a tip? Yeah.
Here's a tip: you're too old for tracksuits.
Your wife like it.
Hey, now Oh, no, you No, you two-faced like that.
Teddy, hold on.
Teddy, where you going? What's going on? - What's happening? - Oh.
Looks like there's a party in the neighborhood "Free drinks, free food and dope beats by DJ Party Marty.
" Where are you going, Ernie? This party sounds fly.
I'm closing up and changing into my velour tracksuit.
But you still got customers.
Good point.
Everybody, out! Uh, no, no, no.
Everybody, stay! There's a party down on Evergreen, and the booze there is free.
It's free here, too.
Next round's on me.
In fact, keep that open all night.
Hey, would you let me know when that get around $50? Show me what you got.
Show me you ain't gonna do nothing.
Not enough.
This is amazing.
I can't believe how many people are here.
Oh, I can.
We're the Butlers.
That's how we do.
Boom! Drink up, sucka.
Come on, man.
If you don't get your head in the game, Miss Kim is gonna start looking like that.
Let's go! Sweetie? I'm-I'm sorry, don't you mean Party King? Hit me, Marty! Don't you think this party's getting a little out of hand? I think you've proven your point to Calvin.
Oh, this isn't about Calvin.
It's like you said.
This is about meeting our neighbors.
And I've already met some really great ones.
Who? Well, Craig, Dante, Lil' Hatchet.
"Lil' Hatchet"? I know.
The name is kind of scary, but trust me, she's really nice.
In the time you've been nursing that drink, I could've gotten five phone numbers.
With your old ass, one of 'em better be Life Alert.
You see what's happening here, right? Our community is being chipped away.
Oh, boy.
No, no, no, no.
Now, come on now.
Marvin's Barbecue is now a coffee shop.
Norm's Hardware - is a juice bar.
- All right.
And Sondra's Beauty Parlor is a marijuana dispensary.
She always sold weed.
It's just legal now.
That is true.
Well, no matter how much this neighborhood changes, my auto shop and this fine drinking establishment will always be here.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- To you and me, man.
The last of the Mohicans.
Why you not raising your beer? Look, Calvin, I ain't gonna lie to you.
I've been getting a lot of calls from people wanting to buy this place.
What? How much? Enough to retire to Méjico.
Which is Spanish for "I'm rich there!" Come on, man.
Think about all the memories we had.
You know, it was in that booth right there - that you met your wife.
- Yeah.
And then that booth right there where you proposed to her.
And then that booth where she caught you cheating.
Yeah.
Those were good times.
Exactly.
That's why you can't sell this place.
What can I say? I love the neighborhood.
Pero I love Cancún más.
Fine.
You want to go to the party? Go ahead.
Be a sellout.
Hey, hey, hold up, hold up! You forgot to pay your tab.
No, I didn't.
I'm about to report that card stolen.
Go to work, that girl go to work, work Girl, go to work, that girl go to work, hey, hey - Hey.
- Hey.
We finally meet.
I've been trying totalk to you, but you've been busy with your girlfriend over there.
You know, she used to change my diaper.
Now she wants me to get in hers.
I'm Lisa.
Hey, Lisa.
I'm Malcolm.
Oh, so this is your party.
Chris forwarded me the invite.
Your house is so nice.
- You know, actually, I-I - It's so cool to meet a guy who doesn't live with his parents for once.
I know, right? Hey, Malcolm, this is amazing.
Someone turned my room into a VIP lounge.
I couldn't even get in.
Does he live here, too? Yes.
Every crew's got to have a white guy that they can do this to.
Hey, yo, Dave! Listen up, party people! Big Mike's Tattoo Parlor is open for business in the guest bathroom.
He specializes in cover-ups for all of your failed relationships.
Ooh, hey, can I say something? Uh, he-hey, everyone.
I just want to thank you all for coming out tonight and w-welcoming us to the neighborhood.
Dave from the "D"! Now let's keep this party going.
What time is it? CP time! No.
I'm-I'm so sorry about that.
Uh, I was led to believe that that meant something else.
Hey, big man.
Who are you? The valet.
It's 20 bucks up front.
How long you gonna be? The rest of my damn life.
Man, get out of my driveway.
Oh, hey! Calvin! Guess the balloons worked! I'm just gonna take these from you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please keep making out.
You look very much in love.
Ooh, yeah.
Hey, hey! Hey, girl, what you in here doing cleaning up? This party ain't over.
- No, it needs to be over now.
- Mm.
I just saw somebody wearing my wedding dress.
Well, you and Dave seem happy.
You ain't gonna need it anymore.
How do I shut this down? Do I hide the booze and tell everyone we ran out? You know that burned-down house on the corner of 22nd? Yeah, they hid the booze, too.
What can I do? Please, Tina, I'm desperate.
Well, I do know one person that will shut this party down.
Calvin? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I'd hate to do that to Dave.
Oh, hey, Lil' Hatchet! - Do it.
Do it now.
- I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
All right! Party's over, people! If your last name not Butler or Johnson, you got to go home! Let me see you twerk I'm always surprised on how many people live around here last name Butler or Johnson.
Marty, turn it off.
Everybody, come on, let's go! Let's go! It's time to go now.
I'm not playing around here.
Joe, what are you doing here? You know you on probation.
And, Frank, you a pastor.
Give me that.
And who watching your kids, Dana? Huh? You just out here to party, like Oh, there they are right there.
Hey.
Hey, little man! Oh, my God, it's working.
Now if only he could clear out the garage like this.
Can I walk you home? I'd like that.
Hey.
Where you going with my man? Yep.
Better go.
Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where's everybody going? I finally got into the VIP room.
Party's over, Dave.
I'm shutting you down.
What? What do you mean you're shutting me down? Who are you to come into our home and shut down our party? Ask your wife.
She begged me to do it.
What? Gemma, - how could you - Because there's a cockfight going on in our backyard.
Oh.
Oh, Tito and them here? Shoot, I'm doing you a favor.
Okay, you know what, don't act like some kind of hero.
You know you're enjoying this.
The only reason you want this party to be over is because you don't like me.
Who says you can't do things for two reasons? What is your problem, Calvin? Why don't you like me? Everyone else here does.
- Says you.
- Okay, fine.
You know what, let's vote.
Show of hands, who here likes me? Oh You just gave them free liquor and chicken.
Of course they like you.
Come on.
Everybody, let's wrap this pilgrim party up.
Let's go now.
Okay, no, no, no.
We're not, we're not wrapping anything up.
You and I are gonna settle this right now, man-to-man.
Oh.
Okay, big man.
What you got to say? Calvin, all I've done since I've moved in here was try to be a good neighbor.
I say hi, I invite you to things, and all you do is reject me.
How many times I got to tell you? I'm not doing an escape room with you.
I'm just saying, you're missing out on a lot of fun.
I don't want to be a part of your white folk nonsense.
There it is.
The truth comes out.
We're the first white people to move here, and suddenly, we're the problem.
You know what, man? I don't think so.
Maybe the problem's you because you're a jerk.
Really? Really? We oohing at "jerk" now? Come on, y'all, we more hood than that.
And for your information, you're not the first white people to live here.
Back in the day, this whole neighborhood was white.
But then my grandparents moved in, and all they heard was, "There goes the neighborhood.
" And soon, all of the white people moved away, because they didn't want to live next to black people.
Okay, but that's not me.
I want to live here.
Sure, now you do.
See, but when y'all left, the community suffered, and-and we, we worked hard to restore it.
And now, you want to come back into our neighborhood and reclaim it as your own.
Okay, I am not-I am not trying to reclaim anything.
And I'm sorry that your family had to go through that.
It is wrong to make anyone feel unwelcome in their own neighborhood.
But isn't that kind of what you're doing to me? Oops.
Uh, that's my bad.
My finger slipped.
All right, that's it.
Everybody, out.
Oh, is this where the party's at? I saw the balloons.
Ooh, crudité.
Mm.
Oh, hey, Gemma, good news.
I found your veil.
What are you doing here? Oh, nothing.
Look, uh, just thought about what you said earlier, and, uh, brought you this.
Trash bags? I mean, big party, you know, big mess.
It was kind of a big party, wasn't it? I mean, I wouldn't call you the Party King of Pasadena, but it was a'ight.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
You hear what I said? I said you're welcome.
Yeah, I heard you.
I don't think you did.
You are welcome.
O-kay.
Ah, hell, I tried.
Why do you keep saying "You're welcome" I get it.
I'm welcome, like, like, in the neighborhood.
Too late! I changed my mind.