The Neighborhood (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

Welcome to the Dinner Guest

1 Dave, look at all these hipsters.
Are we cool enough to be here? Oh, yeah.
Look, you know, Gemma, some people need mustaches and suspenders to feel cool.
Some of us are born with it.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, look, it's Marty over there.
Oh, cool.
Let's go say hi.
Oh, no.
I don't want to go bother him when he's out with his friends.
(GASPS) On second thought, I don't want to be impolite.
Hey, Marty! Oh, uh, wow.
Okay, this is a surprise.
What are you guys doing here? We're just out for a little date night fun.
Marty, aren't you gonna introduce us? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, of course.
Uh, this is Dave and Gemma.
They live next door to my parents.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And this is Chloe, my girlfriend.
Girlfriend?! Inside voice, Gemma.
(SQUEALS) Okay, give me the deets.
How'd you guys meet? (CHUCKLES) We, uh, we were assigned on a project together at work.
Oh, oh, so you're a scientist as well? I better be, or that satellite's coming down.
(LAUGHS) Well, it was great bumping into you guys, but we were actually just about to go.
I'm gonna run to the ladie" room before we leave.
Ooh! Me, too.
Girl talk.
(DAVE LAUGHS) So, I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
(CHUCKLES) You know who else doesn't know? My parents.
So could you just, uh, keep that kind of quiet? Sure.
But why wouldn't you tell them? (CHUCKLES): David.
If my parents knew I was dating a white girl, they would flip out.
There's an old saying in the black community: "If she can't use your comb, you don't bring her home.
" Okay, look, you know your parents way better than I do, but don't you think keeping it from them is only gonna make it worse if they find out? Yeah, you're probably right.
So you're gonna tell them? Oh, God, no.
- No.
No, no, no.
- (LAUGHS) Uh, but you aren't gonna tell them either, right? No.
Your secret is safe with me.
What about Gemma? Oh, my God, I love her.
You guys are gonna have the cutest babies.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- Bye, guys.
I'll tell them tomorrow.
Uh, hey, guys.
Oh, hey, baby.
I didn't know you were stopping by.
I didn't know men wore pink pants.
Wearing pink doesn't make you less of a man, Pop.
Yeah, besides, Dad, they're not pink, they're salmon.
Yeah, that's not helping your case, bro.
Well, baby, what brings you by? Well, uh, there's something I need to talk to you guys about.
Oh, "need to talk" is never good news.
Either somebody pregnant or he going to jail.
Is everything all right, Marty? No, everything's fine.
In fact, everything's great.
- Oh - Uh, I just wanted to tell you guys that I have a girlfriend.
You do? Has she seen those pants? Oh, that's wonderful, baby.
You know what? I've been praying that you find someone.
Yeah, man, who is she? Well, her name is Chloe, and I really like her.
So why were you nervous to tell us that? Yeah.
Well, uh let's just say I've been playing in the snow lately.
(LAUGHS LOUDLY) (SIGHS) - What? - What? What? I've been sprinkling a lot of powdered sugar on my French toast.
Well, you know, you got to watch that, 'cause we got a lot of diabetes run in our family.
You got to be careful.
No, no.
Dad, listen, um, I set a trap in the woods and I caught a polar bear.
You're dating a white girl? (LAUGHS) Yes! Well, who cares if she's white, as long as Marty likes her, right? I'm just trying to protect the boy, babe.
You know how intolerant people can be about color.
Oh, like you and his pink pants? And besides, don't we have enough white people around here now? I mean, with the Johnsons and now this girl, it's starting to feel like Connecticut.
Well, I, for one, want to meet her.
So why don't you invite her over tomorrow night - for Sunday dinner? - Oh, I don't know, Mom.
You know, we've only been dating for a couple months.
It might be a bit too soon.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, maybe I didn't make myself clear.
She's coming over for Sunday dinner, and if you're free, you're welcome to come, too.
Wha And give your girlfriend her pants back.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
I am so excited for you to meet Chloe.
Thank you for inviting us.
Oh, my pleasure.
Maybe with you guys here, Calvin will give her a chance.
Why would us being here matter? Well, next to Dave, maybe she won't seem so white.
(CHUCKLES) - (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) - Hey, DJ Calvin, can I make a request? (EXHALES SHARPLY) No, but I can give you one.
Go stand over there.
Okay, look, I know you're not happy with Marty's choice, but at least he was brave enough to tell you the truth.
The truth is, is when he comes in here with Chloe, the white people in my house are gonna outnumber the black people.
(LAUGHS): Wait.
What? It'll be four and four.
You're so white, I count you twice.
Your dad seems grumpier than usual.
That's because Marty is challenging him to expand his point of view.
What does that mean? Well, that means, for the first time in a long time, I'm the favorite son.
Love you, boy.
Uh, hey, guys.
We're here.
Hey, baby.
So glad you could make it.
So, you must be Chloe.
I am Marty's mother, Tina.
Nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too, Mrs.
These are for you.
(GASPS) Flowers today, grandbabies tomorrow! It's good to see you again, Chloe.
You remember my wife, your bathroom bestie.
And this is my father, Calvin.
It's nice to meet you, Mr.
Marty's told me a lot about you.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
He's only told us one thing about you.
Dad, come on.
It's okay.
He's being funny.
Now I see where Marty gets his sense of humor.
Oh, wow! Look at this vinyl collection.
Oh, you like listening to records? Yeah, they just sound so much warmer.
Ooh, hey, uh, just a piece of advice: don't make any requests.
So, Chloe, where are you from? Here.
Born and raised in Los Angeles.
Mm, let me guess.
Bel Air? Beverly Hills? Malibu? Echo Park, actually.
Oh, that's near Dodger Stadium.
Yeah! Are you a fan? Oh, I've been going to games since Tommy Lasorda was skinny.
You know, my family has season tickets.
Maybe you can come to a game with Marty and me sometime.
Season tickets? Wh-Where are the seats? Field level, first base side.
Field level.
I have been hit in the face by a foul ball twice.
(CHUCKLES) Well, all right! Aw, damn.
There goes my "favorite son" position.
Maybe you should get a white girlfriend.
Where should I sit? Why don't you sit here next to me, just like we're gonna do at those Dodger games.
So, I guess we're all set.
You good over there, Grover and Malcolm? Yeah, Ma! I'm doing great.
When you fall, you fall hard.
Okay, so, before we eat, I just want to thank everyone for being here, especially you, Chloe.
CALVIN: Oh, and since you're our guest, why don't you go ahead and lead us in grace.
Never asked me to say grace.
Um Uh, you know, Dad, that-that's really nice of you, but I think it might be a lot of pressure to put on Chloe.
Maybe someone else should do it.
Love to.
Okay, let's all hold hands.
Aw, don't feel any pressure.
God doesn't need anything fancy.
It's not that I feel too much pressure.
Uh, I just think it might be more appropriate if someone else did it.
Ooh, again, all over it.
Okay Dave.
- Dave, Dave, Dave.
- (MOUTHING) Well, why wouldn't it be appropriate for you? Well, because I don't believe in God.
I see.
And just like Jesus, I'm risen again.
Food's delicious, Mrs.
Yeah, you know, Mom, Chloe's quite a cook, too.
Mm, she likes the Dodgers and she can burn? She'll be burning, all right.
Uh, so, Chloe, what kind of scientist are you? I'm an astrophysicist.
I'd say it's not rocket science, but it's basically rocket science.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) Girl's funny, huh? I would like to hear why you don't believe in God.
Well, it's just that, as a scientist, I have to go where the facts lead me, and there's no empirical evidence of a higher power.
That's an interesting opinion.
Don't you th? Y-Yeah, it sure is.
Right, Dave? Absolutely.
Malcolm, what do you think? (LAUGHS): Oh, I think it's great.
So if you got some empirical evidence, - would you believe? - Sure.
But I don't think there's ever gonna be any evidence of an old, bearded man who lives in the sky, granting wishes like it's magic.
"Like it's magic"? You know what's magical is Tina's desserts.
TINA: You know, baby, I will go get it ready.
Marty, would you come help me in the kitchen, please? You know, Malcolm could TINA: Marty! That was going great till you found out Chloe was a heathen.
Martin Lawrence Butler.
What are you doing with a girl who doesn't believe in God? Just because she doesn't believe in God doesn't mean she's not a good person.
I didn't say she wasn't.
So you think she's a good person? Of course I don't! She doesn't believe in God! How can you be so judgmental? The Bible says, "Judge not, lest you be judged.
Oh, whoa.
Don't you throw scripture at me, boy.
I am your mother.
And the Bible says I can judge whoever I want.
Tell me where it says that.
First Corinthians, Second Tina.
It's my favorite verse.
See? I can't talk to you when you're like this.
No, no, where do you think you're going? - We're leaving.
- Oh, no.
You're gonna stay here, and you're gonna listen to me.
Why, when you won't listen to me? Fine.
She wouldn't like dessert anyway; it's angel food cake! Hey, Calvin, are you changing the oil again? Yeah.
Didn't you do that last week? Stop stalking me, Dave.
I already got enough on my plate with this Tina thing.
She's still upset about Marty, huh? Yeah.
And now she's upset with me.
Why? Because she thinks I should be mad, too.
To be honest, I'm a little surprised you're not.
There's nothing to be mad at.
The boy's just having fun.
They're just dating.
But Tina act like they're all at the altar already.
Well, you were upset when you found out she was white.
I've grown, Dave.
I don't see black or white.
All I see is Dodger blue.
Well, you know me.
I don't like sticking my nose in other people's business.
But if you want, I have some advice.
Go ahead, get it off your chest.
Give me a second.
I wasn't expecting that.
I discovered something years ago with Gemma when we were watching The Bachelor.
I take it back.
I don't want to hear this.
No, no, it's too late; train has already left the station.
Now, Gemma was livid when Ben picked Ashley over Trisha.
Oh, she was yelling at the TV, she was beating up pillows, and the more I tried to calm her down, the madder she got.
Mad? Like I'm getting right now? What I realized is that Gemma didn't want to be calmed down, she wanted someone to be mad with her.
So what did you do? Well, I went ballistic.
You know? I yelled, I threw the remote, posted tirades on all the Bachelor blogs.
I was an animal.
How did any of that help? Because once I started acting more mad than her, she felt like she needed to calm me down, which required her to calm down.
And then, Calvin, we made love.
Keep me out of your bedroom, Dave.
It was not in the bedroom.
I don't care if it was in Dodger Stadium.
Keep it to yourself! Hey, baby.
Uh, I I think those pillows are clean.
Don't "baby" me.
Where you been? Uh, I'll tell you where I been.
I been I been walking the streets, angry, thinking about that Marty situation.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, really? So now you care, Mr.
Field Level Seats? Yeah.
No, but you're right, Tina.
I got to admit, I was blinded by the Dodger blue.
But, uh, you know, the more I think about it, I couldn't have got upset, 'cause if I would've got mad, I would've had to unleash the beast up in here, you know what I mean? - Well, it's about time, Calvin.
- Yeah.
And I'm mad, Tina.
- I mean, I'm furious! - Mm-hmm.
- (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) - That's right! That's right! - Who does that boy think he is?! - You're right, baby! You know what, I'm gonna flip this couch right now! Wait, what? Baby, no, no, no, no.
Whew! That couch a little heavy.
Let me start right here.
- (YELLS) - No! Oh, no, no! Calvin! Wait a minute.
Don't-don't-don't I can't, baby.
You know what I'm saying? They done unleashed the kraken up in here, as far as I'm concerned! - Wait, wait, wait.
Calvin, Calvin, Calvin! Wait a minute, just calm down, calm down.
It's gonna be okay.
I mean, we trippin'.
You know what? You-you don't know what it's like.
- To have all this pent-up anger.
- I know, baby.
You don't know what to do with it.
- Oh! Ooh! - Oh! Oh, see, baby? Just, oh, just sit down.
- Sit down, sit down.
Come on, sit down.
- (GROANS) Yeah.
- Sit down.
- (PANTING): Oh, man, I You got to forgive me, girl, I I lost my mind there for a second.
- I know.
I know.
- Yeah? Kids'll make you do that.
- How you doing? - Terrible.
- You all right? - I'm okay.
I'm okay, baby.
I think we both need to relax.
- Yeah.
- You know? I mean, you know, the fact that we was we was both upset about the same thing - Same thing.
It's our baby.
- You know, - It's our baby.
- You know You know, but now, you know, we're just chillin'.
- Yeah, we chillin', baby.
- You know what I mean? Yeah.
Calvin, why are you touching my butt? Oh, babe, I just I thought since we weren't angry anymore, we'd just get back to our lovin' selves.
Hmm? What? Were you pretending to be mad just to get you some? What?! No! I cannot believe you.
Here I'm about to lose my baby, and you're trying to make another one? - Look, Tina - Oh, my God.
I was just trying to get you to calm down, - all right? - Mm, mm.
'Cause on The Bachelor, Dave has said, what What? Basically what happens on The Bachelor Dave? - Oh, hell no! - Oh, Tina You-you-you Tina, don't you Tina, you don't - You - Come on, now, you know You know, I'm not dealing with this no more.
What? - Tina, you need to stop - Come on, now, quit playing.
That didn't go like I thought.
Whoa! How did you get in here? Bobby pin.
I wasn't always your mother.
Sit down.
We need to talk.
If you're here to tell me to break up with Chloe, you're too late.
We already did.
(MOUTHING) Oh, baby, you okay? Don't pretend like you're not happy.
I heard your bracelets jingling while you were celebrating.
Okay, fine.
I'm happy.
I was just worried about you being with someone who doesn't believe in God.
What does it matter if she doesn't as long as I do? (SIGHS) So you do still believe in God? Of course I do.
(SIGHS) But my relationship to God is personal to me.
It doesn't have to be the same as Chloe's, or yours.
Listen, baby, I need you to understand me right now.
Faith has been so important in my life.
I mean, it's gotten me through my mother passing, it got me through raising two black sons in Los Angeles, and more importantly, it's still getting me through being married to your father.
Well, if Chloe wanted empirical evidence of God, there it is.
I just want to make sure that you have the same foundation to build your life upon, you know? Of course I do.
What do you think got me through being bullied in high school for being a nerd? What do you think got me through four years of college and two years of graduate school? What do you think got me through being scared when I moved out on my own? Marty, I'm just worried.
You're my baby.
I know, Mama.
But you raised me my whole life to have faith.
Now you need to have faith that you did your job.
(LAUGHS) Mm! (SIGHS) So, what happened with you and Chloe? Ah.
Well, we realized we were better as friends.
Wait, wait, wait.
So you weren't really that serious? Well, why would you bring her home?! Because you made me! Well, boy, you're grown now.
You got to learn to start saying no to me.
Calvin, you seem mad.
Are you okay? (SIGHS) No.
Marty and Chloe broke up.
Oh, no! Poor Marty.
Marty? What about poor me? I justlost field level seats.
Those come with a parking pass.
You know what, Calvin? You're right.
I liked that girl.
I thought they were gonna have pretty babies! Okay Whoa, Gem-Gemma? You know, I just raked those.
I can't help it, okay? I'm-I'm livid! My blood is boiling! She broke our hearts! That girl needs to know, when you hurt a Butler, you hurt a Johnson! Okay, whoa, Gemma, calm down! Don't tell me to calm down, Calvin! Gemma, let it go.
There'll be other girls.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Oh, you're right.
You're right.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Grover, come here.
Let's go inside.
(SIGHS) Wow, Mom.
You were really angry.
No, sweetie, I was just helping Mr.
Calvin calm down.
It's a little trick I use when your dad freaks out over The Bachelor.