The Neighborhood (2018) s01e11 Episode Script

Welcome to the Fundraiser

1 Tina.
- Yeah? - You are not gonna believe what my brother Curtis did this time.
He finally burned through his lottery winnings? No, I'm still praying on that.
But you know how I got my mother her favorite long-stem roses - for her birthday? - Mm-hmm.
Well, Curtis had to go and outdo me and got her entire yard landscaped.
- Ooh, that's nice.
- Of course it's nice.
He hired the Property Brothers to do it.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Well, maybe I married the wrong brother.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right.
His money gonna run out one day, but my sexy is forever.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Tina.
Come on in.
What's up? Okay, so we need a favor.
Look, I already told you, Dave, I'm not doing a Christmas card photo with you.
Seems like just the message our world needs right now, but okay.
We were wondering if you guys were free to watch Grover Friday night.
Yeah, Gemma's school is having their annual fund-raiser, and I want to watch her rock the mic and raise some dolla dolla bills, y'all.
It's my first big event as principal, and I need to give a speech and I really need it to go well.
Well, I told you, if you get nervous, just use my little trick.
What's your little trick, Dave? When in doubt, quote Billy Joel lyrics.
His music brings the world together.
Well, why are you so nervous? The board of trustees will be there.
Yeah, and they're just a bunch of rich, stuck-up moms who are all jealous of how pretty and smart Gemma is.
That's not true.
And you really need to stop watching Mean Girls.
Not gonna happen.
Their queen is Lyndsey Worthington.
And that's Lyndsey with two Ys, so you know she thinks she's better than all the other Lindseys.
Well, if you need some extra support, Malcolm can watch Grover, and Calvin and I could go to the fund-raiser.
You will? Yeah.
Yeah, Tina, we will? I don't want to spend my Friday night at some school fund-raiser.
Oh, come on, baby, do it for Gemma.
And don't forget, it's for the kids.
Yeah, right, at some private school.
No, thanks.
There's a prime rib dinner and an open bar with top-shelf liquor.
Well, if it's for the kids, you know.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
- Hey, you guys made it.
- Yes.
Anything to support our Gemma.
Aw, thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
Now, who wants a tour of the school? - I do! - Tina does! Okay, Calvin, I know you were hesitant about coming tonight, but the good news is, is there's a photographer walking around and every table has props.
You look like a not-so-Super Mario Brother.
(ITALIAN ACCENT): Well, then you can be my Luigi.
Dave, I mean, really, what First the Christmas card and now this? Why-why are you so obsessed with taking a picture with me? Well, because you're my friend, and I have pictures with all my friends.
But you could be the first one with a monocle.
All right, Mr.
Monopoly, show me where the bar is, and do not pass "Go.
" Okay, G, what are we gonna do next? I'm gonna play on my iPad.
Hey, come on, man.
Hey, look, when Marty and I were kids, all we had were each other and our imaginations.
We used to play things like, uh, cowboys and indians, cops and robbers, and we had a blast.
Did we? 'Cause all I remember is, you always got to be the good guy and I always ended up dead.
Well, the point is, you remember it.
How many memories do you have on your iPad? Uh, about 64 gigs.
Hey, I know, we shall build a fort and pretend we are knights defending it from ferocious dragons.
What do you say, Marty? (LAUGHS) Counteth me in.
(CHUCKLES) How about you, Grover? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think it's past my bedtime.
What do you say, Calvin? You see anything here at the silent auction table? Just a bunch of bougie white folks crap.
Opera tickets, a ski trip to Aspen, a hacky sack signed by Dave Matthews.
Man, I wouldn't bid a dime for any of this junk.
Ooh, two tickets to Super Soul Sunday and a meet and greet with Oprah.
Ooh, how much they want for that? Says the opening bid is 200 bucks.
- I'm-a throw my hat in the ring.
- Ah-ah.
Throw your hat somewhere else, Dave.
My mama loves Oprah.
I'm getting this for her.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Yeah, it'll make my brother Curtis feel like a jackass.
Not so sweet.
Why don't you go bid on something more your speed, say that full body wax.
Nah, it's winter.
Gemma likes me fuzzy.
How much you gonna bid? Dave, it's important to set the tone here.
All right? You want to let the other bidders know that you mean business.
So, starting bid is $200 Calvin Butler, $200.
01.
- Gemma, can I make an observation? - Yeah.
I know you said this was a progressive school, but I thought it'd be a little more diverse.
Like, right now I feel like I'm at the Country Music Awards and I'm Hootie.
Well, it's not like I don't want it to be more diverse.
I've been to all the local preschools talking about progressive education and how much better it is for kids not to get grades.
Mm, see, there's your problem.
Black families need their kids to get grades.
But if you give grades, the kids will feel judged.
Yeah, but if you don't give them grades, how do you know if they're stupid? Gemma, people of color are not attracted to schools like this because we know our kids are on an uneven playing field.
I mean, we don't have the luxury of sending them somewhere that doesn't emphasize traditional academics.
Well, what am I gonna do? I promised the trustees I would increase diversity.
They want this school to look like the inside of Angelina Jolie's minivan.
Well, right now it looks more like the Brady Bunch's station wagon.
- Gemma! - Lyndsey! Hi, I'm Lyndsey Worthington, head of the board of trustees here at the Walcott Academy.
Oh.
Tina Butler.
Nice to meet you.
Gemma, why didn't you tell us you were bringing a prospective parent tonight? Oh, actually, Tina Surprised Gemma.
You know, I didn't think I could make it because I have my weekly girls' night out, but Beyoncé canceled.
You're friends with Beyoncé? You know this? That was all me.
So, please, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out.
We can't wait to meet I'm sorry, what was your son's name again? Chadwick.
- Chadwick Butler III.
- Oh.
Well, tell Chadwick we're so excited.
Maybe now the drama department can finally do Hamilton.
- Hmm? - What are you doing? What?! You said you wanted diversity.
Me and Chadwick got your back.
I appreciate that, but they're gonna find out that you're not really a prospective parent.
Oh, girl, please.
Little Chadwick can get trapped in a well before the school year starts.
Nobody'll ever find out.
Excuse me, but are you Tina? We've heard so much about you and little Chadwick.
Oh.
Tina, these are two other members - of our board of trustees.
- Oh.
- Pyper.
- Spelled with a "Y.
" - Well, why wouldn't you? - (BOTH LAUGHING) And this is Greer.
Hi.
(LAUGHS) We heard that you're considering the school, and And if you're looking for a mother's perspective, we'd love to take you to lunch - some time.
- Mm.
Do you play tennis? Are you kidding? Serena is my goddaughter.
- (GASPS) - Oh.
What the? Who is Dr.
Allen Bancroft, M.
D.
? - I don't know.
Why? - He bid $500.
And he wrote the "D-R" and the "M.
D.
" We get it, Allen, you're a doctor.
Well, you gonna outbid him? Of course I am.
I'm not gonna let some fancy doctor think he can outbid me.
$500.
01.
Look, I'm gonna hit the bar.
Stay here and make sure no one outbids me on this package.
You got it.
Ooh, listen, baby, baby, I don't have time to explain.
We're doing this for Gemma.
We're rich, we're prospective parents, and I hang out with Beyoncé.
So, this must be Chadwick II.
Please.
All my friends call me Wick.
Oh.
Well, at least Barack and Michelle do.
(LAUGHTER) So, ready to slay some dragons, milord? Okay.
Where's the dragon? Marty's gonna be the dragon.
What?! Why do I always got to be the dragon, man?! It's like cops and robbers all over again.
So, since I'm Sir Grover, does that mean I'm in charge? Indeed.
This is your castle, milord.
Cool.
I'm gonna need it to be a lot bigger.
Really? 'Cause I think it looks good Sir Grover has spoken! (LAUGHTER) I cannot believe you went to the royal wedding.
You know, it was great until the queen got a little handsy on the dance floor.
Queen Elizabeth groped you?! - No, he's talking about Elton John.
- Ooh.
(LAUGHTER) Excuse me? Tina, could I talk to you for a minute? Oh, sure.
Wick, would you mind staying here to entertain our new friends? - But of course, darling.
- Oh.
Now, ladies, please, do any of you have a recommendation for a veterinarian who can work on white tigers? - What's up? - I'm freaking out.
Why? Because I can't go up on that stage and tell this entire school that I'm gonna make it more diverse if I can't actually do it.
I feel like a fraud.
Oh, don't worry about it.
They already think that you got me and Chadwick.
You look like you're killing it.
But it's a lie.
Yeah, a lie that's gotten me invited to three brunches, two happy hours, and a SPA day.
And for the record, I am now Tina with a "Y.
" Ah! Gemma, we're gonna start serving dinner in about ten minutes, so maybe now is a good time to give your speech.
Oh, I well, I don't know.
I mean, everyone's having so much fun.
Maybe I should just send them an e-mail.
No.
We're all dying to hear your ideas.
I mean, you've already been so successful in your outreach.
Get up there and tell us your secret.
But then it wouldn't be a secret.
- Gemma.
- All right, I'm going.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Gemma Johnson, the new principal, and I just wanted to take a moment to share with you my vision for the future of Walcott Academy.
As believers in progressive education, you all know that one of our primary values is diversity among our students.
But we all know that we haven't been able to make that happen.
And I thought the solution was gonna be reaching out to the community, but clearly that hasn't worked.
I mean, I have gone to every school in the local community and we are still just as white as the actual Hamilton.
But-but not because we're bad people.
But because we tend to only surround ourselves with people just like us.
Like some snooty club.
Well, membership has its privileges.
But that's not who you feel like you are.
You feel like someone who has the answer to our problems, but when you tell people your answer, you find out you might actually be part of the problem.
And then you don't know what to say.
I-I don't know what to say.
(MOUTHS) (COUGHS) Billy Joel.
(COUGHS) You see We didn't start the fire.
It was always burning, since the world's been turning.
But I believe we can change that, and You may be right.
I may be crazy.
But I just may be the lunatic you're looking for.
Thank you.
Milord, lower your drawbridge so I may enter your castle.
No, peasant! I told you, you're dragon bait.
I believe I hear the flap of wings in the east.
(ROARS) Sir Grover, the dragon approaches.
Come help me slay it.
You got this.
But you have the sword, Milord.
Use your imagination.
(SHOUTS) (GRUNTING) (IMITATES HEARTBEAT) Ha! Ha! Ha Come on, man.
I just blew fire all over you.
You're supposed to die.
(SIGHS) Fine, I'll die.
(GRUNTS) I'm dead.
Die, foul beast! (ROARS, SHOUTS) (STRAINING) Ow! Let me show you how it's done.
(SHOUTING) I was only evil because I was never loved.
Amazing Grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch Ow! Ow! (CHOKES) That was awesome! You see? I told you this was gonna be fun.
Yeah, but now it's really past your bedtime, so we got to clean up.
MALCOLM: Yeah.
Actually, I'm pretty tired from slaying dragons.
Good night.
Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa, hey.
So we got to clean this mess - Silence, peasants! - Wha You should've let him play on that iPad.
(CHUCKLES) You know, I'm gonna have my yacht guy give you a call, okay? What the hell, Dave? Bancroft outbid me.
I thought you were supposed to be watching the sheet.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
I was watching Gemma absolutely crush her speech.
Dave, forget about Gemma right now.
You need to focus on what's important.
And it's only a little bit of time left to bid on this thing.
And I need to win this to let my brother Curtis know which of us is the real baller in the family, you know? And to show my mother I love her.
Yeah.
Okay.
What do you want to do? Well, first, I'm gonna write down my final bid.
"Chadwick Butler" Don't ask.
"A whole lot of money and one cent.
" Look, and then we need to make sure that this Bancroft character doesn't come over here and bid again.
How you want to do that? Look, I got an idea.
Hey, thank you so much.
You're gonna eat this and you're gonna pretend to choke.
Then Dr.
Bancroft will have to come over here and save you.
It's the law.
Calvin, I am not gonna pretend to choke myself just so you can outdo your brother.
You know, the two of you could really benefit from one of my conflict mediation sessions.
This is crazy.
You know what's crazy, Dave? Is me walking around here pretending I'm rich.
I am sick of people with money trying to make me seem small.
I mean, Dr.
Bancroft, my brother Curtis.
Look I work as hard as anybody else and I need this win, Dave.
(SIGHS) All right, Calvin.
Choke me.
Come on.
Hey, this man is choking! Is there a doctor in the house? I believe, legally, you have to step forward.
Dave.
Dave, you're putting it on a little thick.
Okay? Are you choking are you choking for real? - Come on, man.
- (GRUNTS) Come on, Dave.
Come on, buddy.
Oh.
Oh, Dave.
(MOANS) Is everything all right? I heard someone was choking.
Yeah, everything's fine.
We're good.
- Okay, get some air in there.
- Good.
Oh.
Just in the nick of time.
Congratulations, Dr.
Bancroft.
Thank you.
Bancroft! There you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
I've just been in here raking the Zen garden.
It's supposed to help you achieve tranquility.
Is it working? (CRIES): Yes.
Aw.
- Sweetie, it's okay.
- (GROANS) I'm so embarrassed.
I don't know what I was thinking.
You don't have to be embarrassed.
That Billy Joel thing worked.
Apparently, he does for y'all what Stevie Wonder does for us.
I'm not talking about my speech.
I'm talking about this school.
What do you mean? I was so excited to show you this place.
But now that I have, I realize how silly it all must seem.
Yeah, most schools I've been to keep their sandboxes outside.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, the janitors hate this room.
(CHUCKLES) Look, Gemma, I don't think you're silly.
I think you're an idealist.
And that's a good thing.
The world needs more dreamers.
But dreams aren't real life.
Not yet.
But you can't make progress without having a dream first.
I mean, look, Gemma, you've been here all of a few months, and you're just getting started.
Yeah, but now I'm not sure that it's even possible.
(SIGHS) Gemma, progress doesn't happen overnight, but dreams do.
Tina, that's amazing.
Thank you.
Did you just make that up? Hell no.
It's written on the wall over there.
And now for the final prize of the evening, the Oprah Super Soul Sunday package.
And the winner is Chadwick Butler! (APPLAUSE) What? How'd that happen? I talked to Bancroft.
Turns out he's having marital problems, so I offered him some conflict mediation sessions if he withdrew his bid on the Oprah package.
(CHUCKLES) Dave, you did that for me? Well, I did it for us.
Us? What do you get out of it? Say cheese.