The Neighborhood (2018) s01e14 Episode Script

Welcome to the Yard Sale

1 Oh, baby, look whats in this box.
It's all of Marty and Malcolm's old school projects.
(CHUCKLES) I remember staying up all night - helping Malcolm build this volcano.
- (LAUGHS) You know we even got spaghetti sauce to shoot out the top? Aw, I remember.
And Marty scraped it off the walls with garlic bread.
Those were some good memories, weren’t they? Yeah.
Real good memories.
Ah, its trash.
How could you just throw that away? Those were some special memories of Malcolm.
Why we need memories? The real thing is laying on our couch right now.
Ha ha! Look at this, baby, my old beeper.
You know, I remember when you used to blow me up whenever you wanted a little late-night booty call.
I never had your beeper number.
Well, look at that.
You know what? This ain’t even my beeper.
Trash.
Yep.
Lets go.
Ooh, ahoy, Captain Calvin! Hey, Dave.
Just getting my daily steps in.
Well, you can get in a bunch more if you just keep walking.
You know, I am actually a few steps short.
Good.
Uh, Dave, Dave, Dave, stop that.
Your making me dizzy.
Stop circling me.
Yeah, no problem.
Ill go the other way.
Whoa.
You throwing all this stuff out? Yeah, its just a bunch of trash.
Well, maybe to you, but not to everyone.
You know what? You should have a yard sale.
A yard sale? In this neighborhood? I don’t think so.
(CHUCKLES) Why, whats wrong with our neighborhood? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
There’s a lot of good people here.
You know, hardworking, God-fearing, and I wouldn’t trust a single one of them.
And I don’t want to waste my time with a bunch of people trying to hustle me so I can make a few bucks.
Hustle you? Oh, come on, Calvin, that’s crazy.
Oh.
You want to hear some crazy? Okay.
You see that house down there? They claimed Malcolm and Marty on their taxes six years straight.
And see those wires hanging from there? That guy is stealing the other family’s cable.
But they’re running an illegal day care, so they cant say nothing about it.
Oh, man, I thought that was a beauty salon.
Oh, yeah, they do that, too.
Look, man, everybody around here’s just trying to get by.
I just don’t want them getting by on me.
Well, I guess that’s how you and I are different, Calvin.
I choose to believe that the world isn’t out to get me.
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
You come see me once you find out Grover cosigned for a motorcycle.
(LAUGHS): Yard sale.
All right, man.
I will tell you, you know, last yard sale I had, I cleared a cool grand.
Hold on, hold up.
You made 1,000 bucks? Oh, yeah.
That’s right.
Well, ahoy, Dave.
(CHUCKLES) Cause I know my craps got to be worth more than your crap.
I’m having me a yard sale.
Well, you know, I’m happy to help out.
Well, thank you.
And in return, I’m gonna do you a solid.
You see that extension cord running from your attic window? Yeah.
You’re supplying the power to the day care.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Ooh, this is gonna be great.
I cant wait to meet more of our neighbors.
Me, neither.
Especially the ones named Benjamin, Washington and Jackson.
All right, Pop.
Here you go.
Good luck with your yard sale, bro.
Hold on, whoa.
Where are you going? I was going to the library.
Oh, no.
No, you and Marty are in charge of security.
What? Well, whats it pay? Room and board.
Fine, Ill start today.
Do I get a weapon? Sure.
Yeah.
Here's a whistle and a wooden spoon.
Don't be afraid to use them.
Oh, great, Pop.
If a bowl of soup tries to steal something, I'm ready.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, you guys.
We picked you up some coffee and a dozen doughnuts.
Uh, 9 3/4 doughnuts.
See, I told you he was too quiet in the back of the car.
True.
But way to use your fractions.
Hey, hey, look what I found.
A box full of kitchen gadgets from all those late-night infomercials.
(CHUCKLES): I remember that stuff.
Whenever that commercial said "act now," your mama did.
I had to.
Supplies were limited.
(CHUCKLES) Marty, put all that stuff on the dollar table.
All right.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Uh-uh-uh.
You’re not selling my infomercial stuff.
Put that box back where you found it.
Okay.
Come on, Tina.
You’ve never used any of this junk.
Its not junk.
And I haven’t used any of it yet.
Marty.
Okay.
Marty.
Marty.
Martin Lawrence Butler.
Its not about you, its about them.
Its not about you, its about them.
Boy, give me this box! There's some good stuff in here.
Like-like-like this thingy.
Oh, my God, is that a Choppy Chopper? I’ve always wanted to try one of these.
Finally someone who appreciates my infomercial instincts.
You never even tried it yourself.
Well, that all changes today.
Lets go to my house and choppity-chop something.
Okay, Gemma.
Lets go.
Don't wait up.
Well, enjoy that toaster, my man.
(CHUCKLES) Looks like somebody got some new teeth.
Hey, Shanice.
You know what, this will make a great baby bassinet.
You add a few bungee cords, you got you a car seat.
Throw some sandwiches in there, you going to a picnic.
Hmm? Look.
Calvin, this is the best yard sale I have ever been to.
I’ve met so many fantastic people.
Did you know that Anita was in the Peace Corps? Or that Mr.
Dorsett just retired from teaching after 50 years? A-And Germaine with the face tattoo? He says if anybody asks, that he has been here all day.
You know, I’ve actually been having a pretty good time, myself.
Uh-huh.
I sold everything on table two, and then I sold table two.
Oh, oh, man! Well, whats your secret? Watch and learn.
Hey, you know, just so you know, this grill used to belong to Tupac.
Yeah, he made a hell of a rib eye.
You know, one time he had a barbecue, and he didn’t invite Biggie, and Well, you know the rest.
Oh, okay.
(CHUCKLES) Ah! (CHUCKLES): Calvin, what are you doing? You just lied to that guy for money.
Well, yeah.
I mean, I wouldn’t lie to him for no reason.
That would be messed up.
Uh, hey, Marty.
What is with the sunglasses, bro? Its a little security trick I picked up so nobody can see where I'm looking.
Right now I got my eye on that guy over there licking the nine-volt batteries.
You know, that’s nothing.
A minute ago he was licking the sewing machine.
Yeah, I better go shut that down.
Hey, man! Store policy: you lick it, you buy it.
How you doing, Miss Simpson? Well, I'm still above ground, ain’t I? (CHUCKLES) Listen, how much y’all want for this porcelain angel? Well, you know, there’s a very special story about this angel.
When Cut the crap.
Ill give you three dollars for it.
(CHUCKLES) How about four dollars? How about two dollars? Okay.
Fine, two dollars.
Okay.
Here's a dollar.
You know this is a Canadian dollar.
Oh, this is awesome.
(LAUGHS) This is so much fun.
What else can we choppity-chop? Okay, we’ve done the fruits, we’ve done the vegetables.
Oh, wait, whats this? I chopped your kitchen sponge.
I get it.
Once you start, you cant stoppity-stop.
(BOTH LAUGH) Lets try another gadget.
Whats next? Okay.
Depends upon what you’re in the mood for.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, we’ve got our hard-boiled egg sheller.
Oh.
Or we have a bear claw meat shredder.
And we have this thing that makes pancakes in the shapes of presidents.
(GASPS) Oh, it only goes up to Reagan.
Well, it was the 80s.
You just throw a little maple syrup on it, and boom! We got Obama.
Huh? Cal! Calvin! You are not gonna believe this.
What? I thought that one of your statuettes looked familiar, so I went inside to go look it up in my guide to antique dolls and figurines.
Gemmas guide to antique dolls and figurines.
Look, the point is it is a genuine Montolfo worth $1,500.
$1,500? Well, all right! Which one is it? Oh.
Here you go, look.
Right there.
Its the porcelain angel.
The porcelain angel? (GROANS) Ah! You were right.
Your crap is way better than mine.
You sold a $1,500 Montolfo angel for one dollar? A Canadian dollar.
You see, Dave, this is exactly why I didn’t want to do a yard sale.
I didn’t want to be hustled.
She didn’t hustle you.
She made an honest mistake.
And I'm sure if we go talk to Miss Simpson, shell give the angel back to you.
If you believe that shes gonna give me something back worth $1,500, then I’ve got Snoop Doggs humidifier to sell you.
Okay, well, you’re never gonna get it if you Don't try.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Come on, man.
Hey, boys, look, Dave and I are leaving, so I'm promoting you from security to sales.
You get to keep half of whatever you sell.
Wait, wait, wait, Pop.
But all the good stuff is gone, man.
I know.
That’s why you’re getting half.
(LAUGHS) Malcolm! Congratulations, brother.
Yeah, for what? Well, this is your first promotion.
That’s very funny.
You know, we should just throw all this crap away, man.
Nobody gonna buy any of it.
Here's six dollars.
I just sold a broken cell phone.
What? Wait, hey.
How do you do that? I was just pretending to talk to Batman on it.
Some lady said I was cute and bought it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just because you were cute? I get that a lot.
I cant believe it.
All of these TV gadgets actually worked the way they were supposed to.
I know.
And Calvin was giving me a hard time.
These things were worth every easy payment of $19.
99.
But wait, there’s more! These kitchen knives can filet a salmon, slice a soda can and even cut through handcuffs.
I wish I had known that on Valentines Day when Calvin lost the key.
Wait a minute.
Do you smell smoke? Are the pancakes burning? Maybe we forgot to flip Nixon.
No, no, no.
Tricky Dick is looking good.
(CRACKLING) (BOTH SHRIEKING) Its my super slick, non-stick panini press! Oh, oh, okay.
Wait.
Wait.
Don't wet it.
Don't wet it too much! (OVERLAPPING YELLING) GEMMA: Get out of the way.
Okay.
TINA: Hit it.
Hit it.
Thanks again for letting us try these at your house.
What am I gonna do with a 30-year-old fax machine? And is that beef jerky jammed in it? (LAUGHING): Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Well, I-I was six years old and I tried to fax it to my brother at camp.
(LAUGHS) Uh, you know, hey, I'm sorry, (CLEARS THROAT) little guy.
Looks like you’re gonna have to wait just a little while longer to get those, um, eyeglasses.
Yeah, man, the headaches should go away soon.
Its okay.
I understand.
Oh, no.
Oh.
No.
No.
Excuse me, sir.
Here's a ten.
Get that boy some glasses.
(CHUCKLES) Yes, ma’am.
Bless you.
- Bless you.
- God bless you.
How was that? That was perfect.
Give me some.
Yes.
Now, how do we unload this one Rollerblade? Huh.
Oh, hey, can you cry on cue? (CRYING): What do you think? Oh-ho, I think we gonna get paid.
I have to tell you, Miss Simpson, you have a lovely home.
Yes.
Love the plastic on the couch.
No crumbs in your cracks.
You have to forgive him.
This is only the second black home hes been in.
The first one didn’t want him either.
So, actually, were here because Calvin has something to tell you about the angel that you bought from him.
Isn’t that right, Calvin? Well, spit it out.
Unless you got something else to say about my cracks.
(COUCH CRINKLING) Oh, oh.
Okay.
Um now, I'm gonna be straight with you.
When I first sold you that angel figurine, I didn’t realize how valuable it is to our family, and no one else.
Really, Calvin? Yes.
It-it was given to my grandfather by a cranky old white lady he used to drive around down south.
Now, she was a real piece of work.
She was but they grew to respect each other in the end.
That sounds just like that movie Driving Miss Daisy.
Really? I never seen it.
At any rate, I'm, uh I'm willing to buy the angel back for $20.
$20? Good.
Ill get it for you.
Okay.
Good.
I cannot believe that you lied to her.
I know.
I’ve seen that movie, like, three times.
Okay, so Dad gets half.
Which means we get to split the rest.
(CHUCKLES) This is not a bad Saturday.
I mean, I can almost pay Mom and Dad some rent.
(LAUGHS) I'm not.
But I could.
And, Grover, here is a whole ten dollars.
MALCOLM: Yeah, hey, little man, we could not have done this without you.
Yeah.
I know, which is why I want more.
Uh, more? Yeah, like, how much more? Uh, 50 sounds good.
What? Are you out of your rabbit-ass mind?! I sold everything you told me to.
I even let those old ladies mess my hair and pinch my cheeks.
And you think that’s worth $50? I pretended to be blind for you.
Malcolm, pay the boy.
Nice try.
This ones Canadian.
Well, that was one hell of a mess.
Oh, you should have tried cleaning it up with the super-absorbent Sponge-O-Matic.
I did, but after one minute it started to burn.
I think my thumbprints are gone.
Ugh.
You know, I hate to say it, but Calvin was right.
I Don't know why I was so determined to hold on to all that junk.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
You’re not the only one who holds on to stuff.
Damn, that’s one ugly-ass baby! Hey, that’s Grover.
I paid an artist on Etsy to capture him on a plate.
You actually spent money on a Grover plate? No.
I spent money on a complete set of Grover plates.
Oh, Gemma, these are bad.
I mean, these are really bad.
Yeah, I know.
Well, you know what its like when you’re a new mom.
You’re sleep-deprived.
I would just order stuff on Etsy and eBay.
Yeah, I bought all that stuff off those infomercials doing my late-night feedings with my boys.
Oh, man, those first few months were so brutal.
Ugh.
I was exhausted all the time.
Constantly changing diapers.
Covered in spit-up.
(CHUCKLES) It never stopped.
I am so glad that’s all behind me.
So am I.
But, God, I miss it.
Me, too.
He may have looked like this, but he smelled like heaven.
Oh And I miss Marty and Malcolms little toes.
Oh Now they just have big, smelly man feet.
Mm.
You know, maybe I kept all that kitchen crap because it connects me to when the boys were little.
Maybe that’s why I cant bring myself to get rid of these ceramic nightmares.
Whats up, ladies? (DOOR CLOSES) Anyone wanna see me make it rain? Grover! What? Oh, no.
You know what? You might want to have another one just in case that one goes bad.
I see you looking at me, Dave.
And its not gonna work.
I’ve already forgiven me.
You know what, Calvin, you were right.
This neighborhood is full of scammers and slicksters.
And I'm looking at the biggest one right now.
I'm sorry, did you say something? I was already spending my angel money in my head.
Well, you know, since I'm a part of this neighborhood now, I'm gonna get in on the action.
What are you doing? I'm stealing from her, like I learned from you.
(SIGHS) Come on, man, put it back.
No.
You know what, as a matter of fact, I'm taking this remote control, too.
Have fun standing up to change your channels, old lady.
Look, stop playing, man.
Old ladies keep guns.
Give it here.
Hey What the hell are y’all doing? Oh, nothing.
Whats that in your pocket? Nothing.
Are you trying to steal from me? That’s it, I'm calling my grandson Jay-Bo.
Hes only got one strike.
Whoa.
(STAMMERS) Please, please Don't do that.
Look, he was only trying to get me to do the right thing and tell you that that angel was a valuable antique worth $1,500.
Yes, and he has seen Driving Miss Daisy.
$1,500? Yeah.
Look, sorry for not being up front with you, but seeing that I have now, because I'm a good person, what do you say we split it? Well, $750 is a lot of money.
(CHUCKLES): It sure is.
Now, would you see that.
When you give people the chance But $1,500 is a lot more.
Now, y’all get up out of here.
- What? - What? You heard me, beat it.
But, Miss Simpson, he just told you the truth.
I know, and that’s why I'm giving you a five-second head start before I get my pistol.
Okay, hold But, Miss Simpson, I think Four, three Okay, Dave, lets go.
Go, go, go, go, go! I feel like a fool.
I'm listening.
I honestly thought if we told her the truth, that she would do the right thing.
Well, actually, she did do the right thing.
I mean, in this neighborhood, a five-second head start is very generous.
Well, you know, maybe she really needed the money.
For medicine, food, rent.
Keep dreaming, Dave.
Because come Sunday, she is on a church bus to Vegas.
Well, you know, in that case, I Don't feel so bad.
About what? I still got her clock.
Well, give it here, because I paid $1,500 for this thing.
JAY-BO: Yo, man! You got my grandmas clock! BOTH: Jay-Bo?