The Neighborhood (2018) s01e16 Episode Script

Welcome to the Big Payback

1 All right, so we replaced your pads, resurfaced your rotors, and adjusted your calipers.
Great.
Please tell me that means you fixed my brakes.
(CHUCKLES) Well, lets just say I don’t expect your car on my lawn again.
(CHUCKLES) You can go and settle this up with Tina in the office.
Your cars in the back getting washed.
Ooh, your shop is so fancy.
Well, you also get a complimentary air freshener.
Pine tree, cinnamon vanilla, or my personal favorite, "New Calvin Smell.
" Is that like "new car smell"? Yeah, but with notes of cocoa butter and swagger.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Ooh, I’ve never seen you at work before.
Look at you, Mrs.
Businesswoman.
Balancing the books, invoicing suppliers Girl, I’m on Facebook.
My cousin just changed her relationship status to "its complicated," and we know what that means.
Here comes the Bible quotes and the bikini pictures.
(CHUCKLES) Calvin told me to give you this.
Oh, no, no.
Don't be ridiculous.
Were not charging you.
What are you talking about? Its $300.
Calvin rotored my caterpillars and padded my surfaces.
Gemma, were friends, okay? Don't worry about it.
No.
Really, Tina, I appreciate the thought, but I have to pay you.
Gemma Johnson, I just called you a friend.
And friends do things for each other, so don’t insult me when I’m trying to show you some love.
Are you sure? Girl, don’t make me cut your brake lines.
Have you actually ever done that? No.
Well, in that case, thank you.
You’re welcome.
Now come help me find a Bible verse that says "Stick to a one-piece.
" (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Hey, Calvin.
Oh.
Thanks for taking care of our car.
Not a problem, Dave.
You guys did a great job.
We try.
Oh, and thanks so much for comping the bill.
Oh, whats that, now? You know how you hooked us up with the car.
Who knew you were so generous? Not me.
Well, I owe you one.
You owe me a lot more than one.
Whats that, buddy? Oh, nothing, buddy.
Tina! Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Tina! Tina! Ooh, Dad seems pissed.
We should go.
Yeah, Dad seems pissed.
We should stay.
What are you yelling about? Is Leon selling meat out of the back of his van again? Did you tell the Johnsons they didn’t have to pay their bill? Yeah.
Why? Why? Because 300 bucks is a lot of money.
That's like 60 rib eyes.
Wait, so those steaks are five bucks apiece? Yeah, Pop, that's not real meat.
Gemma's my friend.
Its not like were hurting for money.
Its not about the money.
Its about that you didn’t ask me.
Why do I have to ask you? Because I'm the boss.
Yep, Mom is pissed.
We should go.
Yeah.
This time I agree.
Calvin, I didn’t realize I had a boss.
I thought I had a business partner.
Babe, you know what I’m saying.
All right? It, its a division of labor.
- Mm-hmm.
- I’m the boss at the shop.
You’re the boss here at home.
(LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGHING) Wha Why-why are we laughing? Oh Cause you thought I would buy that nonsense.
Calvin Butler, love of my life, partner at home and at work I made a decision and I expect for you to respect that.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Okay, so was that a "I love you" kiss or a "you need to let this go" kiss? Well go with both.
Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey.
We just wanted to stop by and say thanks again for taking such good care of us down at the shop.
Aw, don’t be ridiculous.
Its our pleasure.
Right, Calvin? 300%.
But, you know, we talked about it, and it just feels wrong to let you do it for free.
(QUIETLY): All right.
Which is why we want to have you over for dinner tomorrow.
Well, that’s wonderful.
Well bring the wine.
You want to pick one out? Ooh, I don’t know.
We might have to taste it first.
I might need to taste it twice.
(CHUCKLING) (CALVIN CHUCKLES) I want that money, Dave.
What? And don’t tell our wives.
I tell Gemma everything.
Even when she asks me not to.
Well, on behalf of both of us, keep your mouth shut.
So, if the chicken had six eggs, and the farmer took away five, what did the chicken have left? Where do chicken babies come from? Oh.
Well, that’s an interesting question.
You see, instead of genitals hens and roosters have a special hole called a cloaca that’s used for both going to the bathroom and making babies.
If you don’t know, just say so.
Did he just trick me into finishing his homework? Hey, Gemma.
Hey, sweetie.
Uh, I was thinking.
You know, maybe we pay Calvin for the work that he did on the car.
I asked, but Tina threatened to cut my brake lines.
I think, playfully.
I know, its just its the principle of the thing.
You know, where I come from, a man gets paid for the work that he does.
First of all, we come from the same place.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, hello.
East Kalamazoo is an entirely different world from Hickory Corners.
And second, it would be rude.
Tina explicitly said she didn’t want us to pay.
I know, but people say things that they don’t mean all the time.
Like, when I floated the idea of becoming an amateur beekeeper, and you told me to do what I want.
You’re right.
I definitely didn’t mean that.
See? And how many times did you get stung? We still don’t know that those were my bees.
So we agree.
Were not paying them, right? (SIGHS) Okay.
Good.
Now I’m gonna go tuck in Grover, before he starts looking for his cloaca.
Yeah, Malcolm and Marty.
What do the Butler boys got crackalackin tonight? Well, Marty and I are checking out this new dating app.
You would not believe all the fine women on here.
Ooh-ooh! Excuse me.
Are these seats taken? Yeah, I think there was some guy here or something.
What? What? What the hell is wrong with you two? You online shopping when you already in the mall.
Look, the game has changed, Ernie.
We would have to have a whole conversation with those girls to find out if we were a match.
Yeah, but with the app, we already know, - and we just swipe right.
- Mmm.
Well, back in my day, if a woman didn’t like you, she literally swiped you away.
Once, I got swiped off a boat.
(PHONE BUZZES AND DINGS) Oh! I got my first match.
Oh, she is fine.
She likes baseball, shes into poetry, and her name is Ebony.
(PHONE BUZZES AND BEEPS) Ha-ha! Houston, we have liftoff.
I got a match, too.
Yeah, her name is Ebony.
Oh let the games begin.
Dave.
Dave.
Where are you? - I’m right here.
- What? (MUTTERING) Why you scaring me like that? Sorry.
Sorry.
I’m on the down-low.
Just so you know, in this neighborhood, that doesn’t mean what you think.
Whatever.
Look - Got your money.
- Great.
But I cant give it to you.
Why not? Because Gemma wants to respect Tina’s decision.
So you see my situation.
I want to pay you.
But I cant.
Dave, why are you wasting my time right now? Because I believe that paying you is the right thing to do.
A man deserves to be paid for the work that he does.
Okay, so give me the money.
But, then Id be going behind my wife’s back, and I don’t think that’s the right thing to do, either.
Oh okay.
I see, you one of those kind of dudes.
What do you mean? Oh, you know, the kind that’s afraid to do the right thing, so you hide behind your wife.
Are you calling me a Hickory Corners kind of man? That is as confusing to me as "the down-low" is to you.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
Here.
- Look.
Take the money.
- Cool.
But just so you know, I feel super guilty, because I’ve never lied to Gemma before.
Plus I’m a terrible liar.
What are you guys doing? W-Were just having a late night meeting for our recycling club.
Oh.
Cool.
I just lied to my son! I feel horrible.
Yeah.
- So do I.
- Really? No.
See? That’s how you lie.
Oh! We’ve done a horrible thing.
I need to put a bell on you.
I feel so guilty about lying to Gemma, sneaking around on her on the down-low.
Okay, you’ve got to stop saying that, or look up what it means.
I cant even look her in the eye.
I spent all breakfast focusing on her left nostril.
I cant do this anymore, Calvin.
I have to tell her about this and that stray nose hair.
Look, you’ve already committed the crime.
There’s no way you can undo it.
You could give me back the money.
Like I said, there’s no way you can undo it.
- But - Look, Dave, how will knowing the truth make Gemma feel? I don’t know, hurt, angry, betrayed.
Exactly, so by you telling her, all you’ll be doing is making yourself feel better.
I guess.
Be a good husband, Dave.
Keep lying to your wife.
I just wish that lying came easier to me.
Oh, hey, Dave, what are you doing here? Calvin and I are gonna donate blood.
Oh, really? That’s great.
I’ve been trying to get him to go for years.
So whats your secret, Dave? My secret? I don’t have a secret.
I’m not feeling too well.
Anybody else feel dizzy? Well, it sounds like you shouldn’t be giving blood.
Calvin, looks like you got to go without him.
(LAUGHING): Okay.
All right.
Ill make sure he gives some later.
You’ve been on that phone since I got home from work.
Whats going on? Just asking out this girl I met on this app last night.
Oh, nice.
Whats her name? Ebony.
Good.
You just answered my next question.
(VOCALIZING) Hey, guys.
Hey, baby.
I just finished folding your laundry.
Oh, good, cause I think my lucky shirts in there, and I’m-a need it for my date with Ebony.
(CHUCKLES) Huh.
What are the odds of you both talking to girls named Eb? Aw, hell no.
You both got my hopes up for nothing.
That girls a ho.
No, shes not.
Oh, yeah? What kind of girl dates two brothers at the same time? She doesn’t know were brothers.
Yeah, Mom, that would be weird.
You know, I-I-I cant believe you two.
You mean to tell me that, in a world full of women, you’ll seriously risk your relationship fighting over the same girl? - Definitely.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
So, how you holding up, man? Terrible.
I still cant look Gemma in the eye.
I feel like shes gonna know.
Don’t you go Hickory Corners on me.
This is so nice.
Thanks again for having us.
Oh, please.
Its our pleasure.
Right, Dave? (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
What are you looking at, Dave? There’s a bug.
Oh-oh, yeah, yeah, I see it, too.
Its, uh Oh! There.
Got it.
- Calvin.
- What? It looked like the bitey kind.
West Nile is in these streets.
You know what, we should toast.
Dave, why don’t you pour everyone some more wine? Yeah, that’s a great idea.
Okay.
Calvin, here you go.
Tina.
Thank you.
Dear - (GASPS) Dave! - Oh, no! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
.
- I got to go clean this up.
- Oh, my goodness.
I’m so sorry.
It got all over your couch Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wrong wife, Dave.
Dude.
What is wrong with you, man? You got to pull it together.
I cant! My hands are all sweaty, my heart is pounding in my throat.
Oh, you mean like the way I felt when I had to give blood today? Huh? It took her four stabs to find a vein.
What is up with Dave? Hes been acting so weird.
Yeah, even for him.
You know, Calvin’s been acting funny, too.
How? Well, if a mosquito was gonna give Dave West Nile, I don’t think Calvin would stop it.
Maybe its because they’re in the same club.
What club? The recycling club.
I saw them outside last night whispering about it.
Oh, really? Yeah, then Dad gave Mr.
Calvin some money.
How much money? I don’t know, probably like a million dollars.
Hmm.
Okay, sweetie, why don’t you run off to bed? Okay but save that empty bottle for me.
I want to join that club and get paid.
You know, that little boy is getting blacker and blacker.
I cant believe Dave gave Calvin that money.
I specifically told him I was trying to honor our friendship.
I told Calvin the same thing, but apparently their egos are more important.
This could have gotten really ugly.
If you’d found out about Dave paying Calvin and thought that I was okay with it I would’ve been pissed.
Yeah, and then we would’ve been in a fight.
(CHUCKLES) Not a real one.
You don’t want to catch these hands.
And all because of them.
They should be taught a lesson.
How? Maybe we should get into a fight.
Okay.
But I don’t want to catch those hands.
Come on, man, look, we just have to make it through dinner and we never have to see each other again.
How is that gonna fix my problem? It doesn’t.
It fixes mine.
You know, I cannot believe you, Gemma Johnson! Were supposed to be friends, but you’re you’re just the liar next door.
We are friends, Tina.
You have to believe me, I didn’t know.
Okay, what is going on? I found out the truth that Dave gave you the money.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, God.
And that Gemma was the one who forced you both to do it.
- Yes.
- What? Yes, it was her.
You know what, Tina? I am sick of you and your false accusations.
Disrespect me one more time and see what happens.
Oh, really, you little fake-ass Barbie? (GASPS) What you gonna do? Tell me what you gonna do.
Oh, Ill tell you what I’m gonna do.
I’m gonna make you catch these hands.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - (OVERLAPPING SHOUTING) Did you hear what she said to me?! Tina, please.
Gemma had nothing to do with this.
She didn’t? No.
Is this true, Calvin? Yeah, hes right, babe.
It was all Dave.
Seriously, Calvin? Look, fine, it was both of us.
Were really sorry.
Yay! (LAUGHS) We got you! We were just pretending to fight.
Oh, my God! You were so good.
Oh, my God, no, you were so good.
"The liar next door.
" You know, that just came to me in the moment.
- Oh, my God, you’re so good.
- Now, hold on.
This whole thing was fake just to make us look like fools? Yeah, and it worked.
(LAUGHS) My heart is racing.
Oh, my God, I’m pumped.
Lets go out.
Yeah, maybe get into a real fight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow your roll, Gemma.
Hold up, y’all just gonna leave us? Hell yeah.
You two totally went behind our backs when we were supposed to be partners.
Yeah, Dave, if I wanted to marry a liar, I would have stayed in Hickory Corners.
Damn, dude, how bad is that place? So, um, how was your date with Ebony? I bet it sucked.
Au contraire, Mon frère.
It was like something out of a movie, okay? Think Romeo and Juliet meets Lady and the Tramp.
Oh, so you guys had spaghetti and then she killed herself? No.
We went to the park with her dogs, and their names are Romeo and Juliet.
That sounds super lame.
(LAUGHS) Well, that long hug I got at the end wasn’t.
What'd you guys do? Well (CLEARS THROAT) I picked her up On the bus.
We went to a poetry reading That was free.
And then I dropped her off at her place Because you don’t have your own.
(CHUCKLES) (OVERLAPPING ARGUING) Malcolm? Marty? - Ebony? - Hey.
- You guys know each other? - Uh, yeah.
How? - Well - Well, uh We-we-we Oh, they brothers.
Are you ready, beautiful? What? Now-now, wait-wait-wait, wait a second.
How do you two know each other? Oh, were a match.
Yeah.
Turns out I do like online shopping.
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
(SIGHS) Well, maybe that’s for the best.
You know what? Yeah, you’re right.
I mean, were brothers.
Right.
(BOTH LAUGH) (PHONES CHIME) Oh, please, not again.
Okay, lets just look and say the names on three.
- Ready? - Okay.
BOTH: One two three.
- Laura! (SIGHS) Tracey! - Oh, God, thank you.