The Neighborhood (2018) s01e18 Episode Script

Welcome to Logan #2

1 Drives down the lane.
Yes! Oh! Let's go, Trojans! Close this game out, man.
Step on their throats! Uh wow, Dad.
You seem more excited about this than I am, and I'm the one who went to USC.
I'm the one who paid for it.
Daddy, I had a full scholarship.
Oh, yeah? Well, who paid for your a cappella group uniform? Hey, check this out.
Western Michigan pulled off the upset in the other game.
If we win, we'll play Dave's team in the Sweet Sixteen.
Oh, Lord.
I know you tell us to love thy neighbor, but just let us win this game so I can crush Dave instead.
Calvin, for the last time, stop asking for God to crush people.
Three, two, one, yeah! Oh! Whoo! Whoo! What the hell is that? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Fight, Broncos, fight! Fight with all your might! Western, win this game! Okay, Marty, go ahead.
Hit him with the USC fight song.
Okay I don't know it.
Then what did you sing in that corny a cappella group? Oh, it was mostly ballads.
A few up-tempo chart-toppers.
You want me to hit him with some Adele? How about something from Pitch Perfect? Five, six, seven, eight Hey, guys.
Couldn't see you behind my giant flag.
Congrats on the big win, Dave.
Yeah, and condolences in advance on us crushing you.
I don't know, Pop.
Western Michigan has been this year's Cinderella story.
Ooh, that's right.
And just you watch, Calvin.
My foot is gonna fit perfectly in that glass slipper.
Whoo! You know, I love when Dave comes around.
'Cause he makes me feel so manly.
Really? Five, six, seven, eight? Hey, babe, where are the boys? Oh, they're at the gym.
They'll be back soon.
- Oh, great.
- Really? You're usually happy when they're leaving the house.
Well, usually, I don't have tickets for us to see USC play in the Sweet Sixteen.
- Oh.
- I even got one for Dave.
Aw that's so nice.
Yeah, I want to see the look on his face when we stomp his dreams.
Well, how did you get the tickets? I thought you said the game was sold out? Oh, it is.
But since it was in town, you know, I pulled a few strings, called the right people, used my connections You bought them off Craigslist, didn't you? Yes.
And they're pretty good, too, babe, look at them.
Let me see.
Upper level, row double X.
Isn't that the nosebleed section? Some people call it that.
I prefer the term "top view.
" Plus, after the game, by the time you climb down all those stairs, there's no more traffic.
Well, that's very generous of you, baby.
Well, you know, every now and then I like to remind people who's "the man.
" Well, baby, you don't have to remind me who the man is, 'cause I Ooh, that's them.
Hey, boys.
Have a seat.
I got some unbelievable news.
Hang on a second, Pop.
Hey, guys.
Hey, perfect timing.
Now I can tell all three of you guys I got us all tickets to the game! Whoo! - What? - Shut up! Well, hold on.
I got us all Third row! Third row? Dave, these tickets are expensive as hell.
They're weren't.
I got connections.
I got them for free.
Dave, you are the man! Yeah, I wouldn't say theman; I mean, he's barely aman.
Are you kidding me? These seats are practically on the floor.
But think about all the traffic when you're leaving.
Wait, why are there five tickets? Well, 'cause my best friend from Kalamazoo is coming with us.
Wait, so we're actually gonna meet someone from your infamous 'Zoo Crew? 'Zoo Crew! Right, so who are we meeting? Well, since two out of three of them are named Logan, I'm-a go with that.
Yep, Logan #2.
The Deuce.
And if you think I'm cool, this guy is gonna knock your socks off.
I'm pretty sure my socks are safe.
Hey, Pop, is Dave back from the airport yet with the Deuce? You kidding me? Knowing Dave, they're probably still hugging at baggage claim.
Why are you hating on Dave? Yeah, man, he gave us free tickets to the game.
Trust me, son.
Nothing in life is free.
Everything comes with a catch.
And this catch's name is Logan #2.
Come on, you don't even know the guy.
- Oh, I know him, all right.
- How? Because I know Dave.
And dorks of a feather flock together.
So before y'all go around calling him "the man," just remember that his best friend is not even his main Logan.
It's his side Logan.
Oh, good.
You guys are out here.
I want you to meet Logan #2.
Anybody got a broken computer? Because here comes the Geek Squad.
Whoa, is it me, or is Logan #2, like, a solid eight? Whatever.
I don't see it.
Guys, Logan #2.
Logan #2, Malcolm, Marty, Calvin.
Man, you guys look just like I pictured you.
Probably 'cause Dave sends me a lot of pictures of you.
Yeah, our picture of you was a little, uh - blurry.
- Huh.
Yeah, my dad thought you worked for the Geek Squad.
I wish I was that smart.
I'm just a SWAT team captain.
Okay, I see it a little bit.
Wow! Dave, these seats are incredible! Aren't they, Dad? Yeah, if you like sitting with the enemy.
I kind of prefer being up higher.
That way, you can see all the action.
Down here, I'm gonna get whiplash.
Okay, uh, so we booing now? We booing? All right, well, bring it.
I can boo with the best of them.
Boo! Boo! Hey, man, come on.
Show some school spirit.
Stand up and boo with your father.
We don't know you, mister.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Broncos! Whoa! We're Western Michigan, okay? We're better than this.
Let's not forget who won the NCAA award for sportsmanship last year.
That's right.
It was us.
Now let's just be glad we're all here together.
So let's show these guys our Bronco spirit and turn those "boos" into "whoos.
" Whoo! ALL: Whoo! What the hell is going on? We're "whooing," Dad.
It's fun! - Whoo! - Whoo! Aw, thanks for having me over while the guys are at the game.
I felt so left out that they didn't invite me.
- Really? - Ha! No.
Thank God.
Me, too.
Grover, why did you put an iPad on your vision board? You already have one.
I know.
But I wish I was playing with that instead of doing this.
Come on, Grover.
These are a great way to visualize your goals.
Like, here I have a sailboat because I'd like to travel.
And here's someone doing yoga, because I'd like to feel more inner peace.
What's the eagle for? Oh, I've just always wanted a pet eagle.
Okay, let's see what's on your board.
- All right.
Um - Ooh, musical notes? Yeah, you know, back in the day, I used to sing a little.
I kind of miss it.
Wh-Where? Like in church? No.
No, in a girl group.
In fact, the church kicked us out when they heard our name Femme Nasty.
Femme Nasty? That's just how Pastor Floyd said it when he found out.
Can I find any of your songs online? No.
We just did a demo.
- After that, we broke up.
- Oh, how come? Well, none of us could agree that I was the most talented.
I have to hear these songs.
It was so long ago.
I'd be embarrassed.
Okay, if you don't feel comfortable Okay, fine.
I'll go get it! Stop being so pushy! - Oh, steal! - Here we go! - Fast break! - Alley-oop! - Rejected! - Oh! Get that junk out of here! Uh-oh, must be midnight, because Cinderella just turned back into a pumpkin! Dave, I can't get over these seats, man.
What kind of connections do you have? - Well, he didn't tell you? - Oh, let me guess.
You were a cheerleader? Ah, so he did tell you.
Seriously? Before you start, just know male cheerleaders happen to be the backbone of the collegiate spirit community.
I don't even care if we lose this game.
This has become the best day of my life.
All right, laugh all you want, Calvin, but Dave was a hell of an athlete.
You should have seen how high they used to throw him.
And you two thought Dave was the man.
Ladies and gentlemen, during this timeout, we would like to recognize the men and women who have served our country.
Will all service members please rise? Hey, bad time for a bathroom break, Dave.
They're gonna think you're a veteran.
Sit down.
Sit your ass down.
Sit Whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about? Dave isa veteran.
What? Yeah, he was in the National Guard.
He did a tour in Iraq.
Oh! Dad was wrong.
Dad was so wrong.
I said, D-A-D-D-Y.
You don't really know that guy.
Everybody! Hey, Dave, Dave, I cannot believe you were in the military, man.
What did you do there? Ah, you know, it was no big deal.
I was a liaison between troops and Iraqi civilians.
Kind of like a war zone conflict negotiator.
No big deal? Dave, show them the video of you and all the warlords singing "We Are the World.
" Hey, you were right, Dad.
Turns out Dave isn't "the man.
" He's more like Captain America.
Hey, Dave, Dave, Dave, so-so what was it like for you coming home? You know, it was mostly okay.
Some parts were a little rough.
I'll tell you what was rough.
Trying to get women to pay attention to you when this guy was around.
Wait, what? Dave was a ladies' man? Dude, if Logan is an eight, that means Dave is a ten.
- Solid ten.
- Solid.
Would you two stop rating guys on how sexy they are? Wow, Dad, uh, you seem kind of upset.
Yeah, I think it's 'cause Dave is threatening his masculinity.
Very funny, coming from a couple of fives.
Fives? Yeah, I know how to play this game, too.
All right, not a good time, horse.
I said leave me alone.
Ooh, Calvin, Buster's got his sights on you.
Yeah, Calvin, you're buckin' with the wrong Bronco.
Well, he's buckin' with the wrong Butler.
What's up, man? Oh.
Oh-ho! Oh, you want a piece of me, old punk-ass Mr.
Ed? Whoa, whoa.
Dad, Dad.
Ha! Yeah, that's what I thought! Who the man now, huh? Well, I mean, unless there's a warlord in that costume, I'm sticking with Dave.
You just became a four.
Hey, hey! Sorry, it took me a while to find a boom box that would play the tape.
What's a boom box? Oh, well, it's what we used to listen to music on before there were CD players.
What's a CD player? Well, Grover, you need to get yourself an encyclopedia.
What's an encyclopedia? Boy, just google it! "Femme Nasty 'You Think You Slick.
'" Oh, my God, look at how sexy you are.
Pastor Floyd thought so, too.
After he kicked me out of the congregation, he offered to buy me a condo.
Okay, so I'm a little rusty, but let's try this out.
You think you slick? I know your game You think you slick? I know her name You think you slick? You should be ashamed You think you slick? It's all the same, baby.
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, that was so cool.
You have to start singing again.
Oh, you know, maybe you're right.
You should do it with her, Mom.
You love to sing.
Yeah, but that was in a choral group.
Oh, come on, Gemma, singing is singing.
Just-just give it a shot.
- Okay.
- All right, here we go.
You think you slick? I know your game You think you slick? I know her name You think you slick? Maybe we should work on getting you that eagle.
Yes! All right, Dave, we're on an 8-0 run.
We got to keep up the momentum.
All right, I got this, I got this.
All right, Broncos, here we go! - Give me a "B.
- B! You got your "B," you got your "B.
" - Give me an "R.
- R! You got your "R," you got your "R.
" - Give me an "O.
- O! You got your "O," you got your "O.
" What the hell are you doing? You two sit your asses down.
Dude, T-shirt cannon! Ooh, Buster! Buster! Buster, over here! Here we go, right here.
Buster oh You know what, Buster? I'm about to bust your ass.
Pop, Pop.
Dad, no, no, Dad, Dad Calvin.
Aah! What happened to the rest of the group? I don't know, we just kind of lost touch.
The last I heard, Janice moved to Nebraska, and Nicki married Pastor Floyd.
Well, you don't need them.
You're amazing.
You could totally go solo.
Oh, I don't know.
You know, there's nothing sadder than somebody past their prime trying to relive their glory days.
There is nothing about you that is past your prime.
I just don't want to do anything that would embarrass my family.
Dad and Mr.
Calvin are on TV.
You get back.
Oh, I'm definitely gonna start singing again.
Listen to that.
There's a great game going on, and we're locked in here.
Nobody asked you to help me, Dave.
I know how to fight a horse.
Calvin, I wasn't helping you.
You grabbed my ankles and were swinging me around.
Well, you seemed fine with it.
When you landed, you jumped up and clapped.
That was muscle memory.
What is your problem, Calvin? You have been angry with me all day.
You know what, I'll tell you what my problem is.
I don't know who the hell you are.
What is that supposed to mean? You move in, and you're this corny doofus that won't leave me alone.
Then, out of nowhere, suddenly you're the man.
Calvin, what are you talking about? I mean, you got us these amazing free tickets.
Your best friend is a SWAT superhero.
And to top it all off, you're a war veteran.
I mean, the only thing about this day that makes sense is that you were a cheerleader.
So you're blaming me because you didn't know me - as well as you thought? - Yes.
How is that my fault? Because those are the kind of things that you're supposed to tell a friend.
Calvin Did you just call me a friend? No.
I mean, I don't know.
I mean prison does crazy things to a man.
You did.
You just called me a friend.
And that's the first time you've called me the F-word.
Trust me, Dave, not even close.
Okay, look, to be honest I never mentioned being a veteran because I-I figured you wouldn't care.
What would give you that idea? Because every other time I've tried to tell you something, you've said, "I don't care.
" Well, that's because usually it's something ridiculous, like male sea horses and how they carry the babies.
But this is about you being in a war.
I mean, it's a big deal.
Well, I'm-I'm sorry.
It's not always the easiest thing to talk about.
I get that.
But, just so you know, if ever you want to talk about anything, I'm here.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
And, and just so you know, if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm all yours.
Okay, you know, uh, here's one thing.
Never tell your cellmate "I'm all yours.
" - Ah, man, it was so good to see you.
- Bring it in, big guy.
Dude, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I want to be a part of the 'Zoo Crew.
I guarantee I'd be the only Malcolm.
And, Calvin, thank you for looking out for my friend out here.
Aw, well, you know, Dave's my guy.
We did time together.
Hey, who's that? Calvin! No! No! Huh? No.
No! Hey, Pop.
We're gonna say good-bye to Logan #2.
Yeah, I'm gonna get him to sign my shirt.
You want to come? Nah, I'm good.