The Neighborhood (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

Welcome to the Fresh Coat

1 Hey, guys.
Oh, hey.
Wow, those plants are beautiful.
Thanks.
I used to work at a nursery back in Hickory Corners.
Till I found out what they were really growing.
[CHUCKLES.]
We just thought it'd be nice to have a little pop of color.
Yeah, we did that to this neighborhood 30 years ago.
Well, how about you, Dave, you like to garden, too? - I'm more of a lawn man, myself.
- Hmm.
Nothing I like better than breaking out the old mower and showing the grass who's boss.
[QUIETLY.]
: I would've bet on the grass.
All right, all done.
What do you think? I think it looks great.
Calvin, I think we need to fix our house up, too.
What are you talking about? We just got a new satellite dish last year.
We could start with a new porch light.
No.
Then you're probably gonna want a new door.
No.
And at that point, we're gonna need all new landscaping, right? No.
Ooh, that's gonna look great, don't you think, Calvin? - Yeah.
- No! Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Ooh, what about this color for the trim? Yeah, I like it.
"Fenwick Fog.
" Yeah, probably 'cause it sounds like something from Harry Potter.
I wear that with a badge of honor.
Just like I wear my Sorting Hat.
What are you all doing? Picking out paint colors for the house.
Oh.
Well, too bad there's about to be a power outage.
Dad, it's-it's a laptop.
It has a battery.
So does your car.
Go home.
[CLUCKS TONGUE.]
Come on, Calvin.
Happy wife, happy life.
I want you to paint the house.
[SIGHS.]
: Fine.
Malcolm, paint the house.
Come on, Calvin, be a good husband for your beautiful wife and paint the house.
All right.
If it's that important to you and you really want me - to paint the house - Mm-hmm.
Go ahead and hire someone.
Just make sure they're the best.
The best? And the cheapest.
- Ah, there it is.
- That makes more sense.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Hey, sweetie.
What are you doing? - Getting a snack.
- If you look in the pantry, there's some unsalted veggie chips.
Okay, I won't look in the pantry.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Hey, girl.
I love it when you call me that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, you want to give it a try? I'd love to girl - No.
- No.
No.
- What's up? - Well, I was wondering if you had the number to that guy who painted your house before you moved in.
You guys are painting your house? Dave loves painting houses.
[CHUCKLES.]
More like houses love getting painted by Dave.
You know, I put myself through college painting them back in Michigan.
Oh.
On our first date, he took me on a tour of some of his favorites.
He even stopped and touched up a couple.
Aw.
Well, on our first date Calvin broke up with his girlfriend.
You know, if you want your house painted, I'd be happy to do it.
I mean, friends help out friends, right? And I can take today off.
Well, that's so sweet of you, but Calvin wants me to hire a professional.
[CHUCKLES.]
A a professional? Do you think they just let anyone paint the Kalamazoo Hall of Records? I don't know.
I don't know white people stuff.
You should let him do it, Tina.
He's really good.
Look, I'm sure you're right, but, you know, it's just that - I'll do it for free.
- Okay, you're hired.
But you better do a good job.
Oh, you got it, girl.
See? Wow, he said it right.
Ah.
Thank you.
I know some black people stuff.
Dave? Wazzup! Ah.
Should we tell him that's not a thing anymore? It's not? Uh, Dave, what are you doing up there? Oh, I'm painting your house.
Mom hired you? No, no, no.
She didn't hire me.
I volunteered to do it for free.
[CHUCKLES.]
Dad is gonna hate this.
It's a total violation of his man code.
Oh, yeah, he is gonna freak out.
Yeah.
You want to hang around and watch? Wazzup! So, how we lookin'? Yo, that looks great, man.
[EXHALES.]
I can't wait for your dad to see.
He is gonna go nuts.
Oh, you have no idea.
All right.
We're all finished patching and sanding.
Now it's time to prime.
Can you feel the excitement in the air? [WHOOPS.]
We should probably warn him, right? Yeah, we probably should.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
Notice you're not moving.
I noticed that, too.
Well, all right! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, that looks good, doesn't it, Pop? Are you kidding me? This looks better than good.
This guy knows what he's doing.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm not sure he does.
What?! Look at his work! Mm-hmm.
This guy's a real pro.
You see what happens when your mother listens to me? Oh, hey, Calvin.
Hold on.
You're painting the house? Wazzup! And, like you said, he's doing a great job.
You said that, Calvin? And the best part is, he's doing it for free.
- I-I need to, uh - Yeah.
I-I'm gonna have to - Right.
- Tina! Will you tell her that I'm gonna finish the front today and I'll do the sides tomorrow? Oh, isn't that sweet.
He thinks there's gonna be a tomorrow.
Tina? Tina? - What? - Tina, you're letting Dave paint our house for free? So? You like anything free.
No, I don't.
You have two drawers in the kitchen stuffed with ketchup packets.
Those aren't free.
They're built into the price of the hamburger.
Calvin, you're being ridiculous.
See, you just don't get it.
Letting another man work on your house for free, it's like saying you can't do it yourself.
Okay, so you want to do it yourself? Hell no! But letting Dave paint our house, that's a direct violation of the man code.
Oh, please.
The last time you talked about your man code, you refused to get stitches and almost lost your finger.
I did not.
It naturally healed.
Look, I can almost bend it.
You know, I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense.
It's not nonsense.
See, there are unwritten rules to manhood.
Like always give a firm handshake.
And that your word is your bond.
And never, ever compliment another man's outfit unless you're looking for a fight.
Calvin, you told me to hire someone good and cheap, which I did, so as far as I'm concerned, the only problem we have is you.
You hire another man who's doing an excellent job painting our house for free, and I'm the problem? Okay, Tina.
[IMITATING CALVIN.]
: Well, okay, Calvin.
If you don't like it, then you do something about it.
Oh, I will.
And don't be messin' with my ketchup packets.
I know how many there are! Now, you're probably wondering why I chose natural over synthetic fiber.
Yeah, that's exactly why we're sticking around.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Dave.
You're fired.
What? Why? Because I can paint my own damn house.
You can't fire me.
I'm doing this for free.
And you call yourself a friend! Hey, Mr.
Calvin.
Oh, hey, little man.
That's not how my dad paints the house.
Goodbye, little man.
Have you ever done this before? No.
But it's not that hard.
I mean, you dip it slap it, watch it dry.
Dip it, slap it watch it dry.
Why won't you just let my dad help you? Well, because of something called the man code.
That's a set of unwritten rules that fathers have passed down from generation to generation.
What are the rules? Well, for one never text a man "Get home safe.
" If he doesn't, it's just God's plan.
My friends and I mostly text each other emojis.
Oh, oh, you got to stop doing that.
The only emojis you can text to another man is the fist bump, strong arm, and the thumbs up.
What about a unicorn head? Only if the fist bump is punching it in the face.
'Kay.
Oh, oh, oh.
And that's another one.
Never text another man, "'Kay.
" It's always, "O-Kay.
" Wh-Why? No one knows.
It-it just is.
O-Kay.
There you go.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, he got that way faster than Marty.
What are you doing? Watching Calvin paint his house.
It's a disaster.
He didn't prime, he didn't tape.
It's it's just like he's dipping and slapping out there.
You know, seeing you out there painting yesterday brought back a lot of fond memories.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Like what? Mm, like when they gave you the keys to the Hall of Records, and we had some fun in the permit office.
Ooh, we definitely didn’t have a permit for that.
[LAUGHS.]
So, I was thinking, maybe later today Oh, for God's sakes.
He's stirring the paint with a tree branch! This man is a maniac! I don't understand why he insists on doing this alone.
- Easy, Dad.
Man code.
- What? He said you're breaking the rules of being a man.
By the way, you got to stop texting me unicorns.
What is he talking about? I was not breaking man code.
I was following it.
Always have your buddy's back, never leave a job unfinished.
And if your friend looks good in a new suit, make sure to let him know.
Well, instead of standing here watching Calvin paint, maybe we could go upstairs and Ooh Ugh.
Would you look at that? Oh, my gosh.
He's using rollers on the window frames.
Mm.
The man's oblivious to everything! Yo, I hear this movie is hilarious.
I don't know, man.
I doubt anything's gonna top watching Dad splash around in a paint can looking for his phone.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, Marty, what are you doing? I'm sitting down.
Uh, man code, Marty! Whenever possible, two men always leave a seat in between them.
What? But if I sit over there, how are we gonna share the popcorn? We're not.
And if we go to the bathroom together, eyes forward, no talking at the urinal.
Okay, dude.
Okay.
I just thought with all your talk about being "woke," you'd be a little more progressive.
Um, excuse you? I am progressive.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because it seems to me you've bought into Dad's outdated ideas about masculinity.
- Oh, no, I have not.
- Prove it.
Okay, I will.
There.
See? Woke.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
That feels okay, doesn't it? You know, actually, it's not that bad.
[LAUGHS.]
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
- You're still a man.
- Right.
I'm still a man.
Right.
Some people might even say that we are more manly because we're so comfortable with ourselves.
Yeah.
Good for us.
Yeah, man.
[LAUGHS.]
Pop doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Man, no.
[LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I'm gonna - I'm gonna move over there.
- Yeah.
This seat is way more comfortable.
I feel like here.
Well, I think I got most of the paint off.
[CHUCKLES.]
But just in case maybe you should check to see if I missed some spots.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you missed a few spots, all right.
Under the window, next to the air conditioner, the entire back of the house.
Oh, now you want the back of the house painted? Someone's getting a little bougie.
Calvin, this is our home.
I just want it to look nice.
I know, and it will, babe, I promise.
Mm.
You did look manly out there.
- [LAUGHS.]
I did, didn't I? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, check out this property, girl.
Would you love it or list it? [LAUGHS.]
- [SOFT CLATTERING OUTSIDE.]
- [LAUGHS.]
What was that? Oh, you know what that was.
[WHISPERING.]
- No, no, no.
What was that sound? - [LOUDER CLATTERING.]
Ooh, I think somebody's trying to break in.
- Well, he ain't the only one.
Come on.
- Calvin! Fine.
All right.
I'll go check it out, but if I'm not back here in two minutes, call the police.
Okay.
Uh, but use your white voice.
Dave, what the hell are you doing?! I'm finishing the job I started.
That's man code! Nice pajamas, by the way.
Get down from there and stop painting my house.
Why? Because you're making me look bad.
All I'm doing is making your house look better.
Exactly.
And I'll never forgive you for it.
Calvin, what's going on? You need backup? I got my beat-down pan.
Go back inside.
Uh, it's just Dave.
What is going on out here? And why does Tina have her beat-down pan? Calvin, just let me do this for you.
Oh, you want to do something for me? Then I'll do something for you! What is he doing? I don't know, but it's gonna be stupid.
Oh.
Check it out, Dave.
I'm about to cut your grass for you! What?! Calvin, don't you start that lawn mower! Oh, I'll do it, Dave.
- I'll do it.
- Calvin, don't! Dave, too late.
You brought this on yourself.
[ENGINE SPUTTERS, DIES.]
Like I said, you brought this on yourself! [ENGINE SPUTTERS, DIES.]
Dad? What are you doing, man? I'm cutting Dave's lawn to punish him for painting my house.
Calvin, if you start that lawn mower, I'm gonna come out here tomorrow night, I'm gonna put on a second coat! [ENGINE STARTS.]
Huh? Huh? Uh, should we stop them? Are you kidding me? If we stay quiet, one of them might wash my car.
How you like that, Dave? This is what you get for breaking the man code Freshly-cut grass! You broke the man code! - CALVIN: You broke it! - No, you broke it! - You broke it, Dave.
- You broke-broke it.
I did break that.
[WHISTLING.]
Morning.
Hey.
Hey, look, uh, about last night, man Yeah, yeah.
Uh, things got a little out of hand.
In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have been out in the middle of the night painting your house.
Yeah, in retrospect, that did start this whole thing.
Look, I really didn't mean to start a fight.
I know.
But, Dave, you just can't do another man a favor without asking him first.
Why not? Because then, I would owe you one, and I don't like owing anybody anything.
Well, I bought you a bagel last week.
But I drove, so we were even.
Calvin, you don't owe me anything.
We're friends.
Well, maybe that's how it works back in Kalamazoo, but out here, it's different.
I-I guess we just have different man codes.
Yeah.
I guess we do.
You think there's any overlap? Probably.
I'm sure there is.
What does yours say about holding your wife's purse? Oh.
Well, you can do it as long as you look mad.
Mm.
That's what mine says, too.
This is the face I make.
Not bad.
This is mine.
That's the face you made when I asked you to come to a spin class with me.
Yeah, it's kind of like a go-to scowl for me.
Look, uh, I'll grab a broom and help you clean up.
Sure that doesn't violate your man code? Good point.
You're on your own.
All right, how am I looking over here, man? Calvin, you're a natural, but can I give you one piece of advice? - Sure.
- Okay, now, you're letting your shoulder do all the work.
The magic is in your hips.
[HUMMING.]
- So like this? - There you go.
See? Told you it was sexy.
You weren't kidding.
I had Dave paint our house five times in Michigan.
It's how we got Grover.
[TINA LAUGHS.]
Paint that wall, baby! Uh, yeah, Dave.
You missed some spots on the bottom.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Take it down low.
- Yeah, drop that thang, Calvin.
- Mm-hmm.
Calvin, uh, what's your man code say about this? It's the number one rule of the man code, Dave Always keep your wife happy.
Drop that thing, dawg.
[BOTH WHOOPING.]
- Yeah, baby! - Oh, yeah, baby! Yes! Oh! Oh! - Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, that's it, guy.
- That's it, babe.
- Yeah.