The Neighborhood (2018) s02e08 Episode Script

Welcome to Bowling

1 MALCOLM: Hey, Pop.
How was bowling? Terrible.
I threw the game-winning strike.
Why is that bad? Because my partner Ernie sprained his wrist giving me a high five.
What kind of clown celebrates with his rolling hand? Yeah, you know, everybody knows that it's either finger pistols or a delicate hip bump.
Anyway, it's too late for me to find another partner, so I'm gonna have to forfeit the championship game.
Well, I could be your partner.
Like I said, I'm gonna have to forfeit the championship game.
Calvin, I'm serious, I'm pretty solid.
You know, back in high school, I spent every Saturday night bowling with my mom and and her special friend Rick.
Wait, what you mean, her boyfriend? No.
They just hung out and had sleepovers.
- Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Oh.
Okay.
Look, man, I appreciate the offer, but I'm going up against the toughest team in the league.
Ah, come on, Pop.
You've lost to them for four years in a row now.
At least this year if you lose, you can blame Dave.
Rick always did.
You know what, fine.
Practice starts tomorrow.
Yes.
Time to start warming up the glutes.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
This is exciting.
It's like I'm at the NBA Finals with LeBron.
Not 'cause you're black; 'cause you're good.
And I'm with Weird Al.
Not because you're white; because you're weird.
So you only come to cheer Calvin on? You don't bowl with him? Gemma, there are two things that Tina Butler doesn't do: wear rented shoes and stick her fingers in other people's balls.
No.
And just like that, I no longer bowl either.
[CHUCKLES.]
So we're gonna go get some snacks.
You guys want something? Ooh, some nachos would be great.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You haven't earned it yet.
Nachos are for winners.
Ooh, nachos sound good to me.
Well, that's because you haven't seen the hands of the man that makes the nachos Please, Tina, you already ruined bowling.
Don't take nachos from me, too.
All right.
[GROANING.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dave, I thought you said you knew how to bowl? Oh [CHUCKLES.]
you mean like this? Ha, ha! Stee-rike! Well, all right! You can bowl.
Yeah.
Tell that to Rick.
Hey, this isn't the snack bar.
Gemma, as a Christian woman, I cannot let you eat those nachos.
[LAUGHS.]
This is why we're here.
Dance Floor Party? I used to love this game.
Check out the high scores.
T-Booty, T-Booty, T-Booty, T-Booty.
Oh, my God! You're T-Booty.
The "T" stands for Tina, and the "Booty" speaks for itself.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
So you want to play? Oh, no.
It's been forever.
I don't want to embarrass myself in front of your famous booty.
Oh, come on.
Who cares? It's just us.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But you might not want to stand near me.
When I get going, I lose track of my elbows.
[GAME BEEPS.]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Time for the dance party! [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Come on, girl, don't be shy.
Throw them 'bows! Come on.
There you go.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, big brother.
Why do you always come here to do laundry? Your building has a washer and dryer.
What's wrong with you, Malcolm? I can't ask Mama to drive all the way over there to do my laundry.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, whoa-ho-ho.
Those kicks are fire.
I know, they are limited editions.
From the ankle down, I'm fly as hell.
[CHUCKLES.]
Limited editions? Aren't you the one always ragging on people for blowing their money on frivolous things? Oh, man, that was Broke Malcolm.
You're talking to Money Malcolm.
Nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too.
Tell Broke Malcolm I'll see him again next week.
Look, stop hating.
Now that I'm making some money, I deserve a few nice things.
Well, yeah, but if you ever want to move out of here, you should start investing your money.
[SCOFFS.]
What you mean, like in stocks? No, thanks.
Money Malcolm is about stacks.
[LAUGHS.]
Are those all singles? Maybe.
I'm not talking about stocks, man.
The real money's in cryptocurrency like Bitcoin.
Oh, I don't trust that Internet money, man.
- Seems like a scam.
- Oh, well, last week I tripled my investment.
Well, then you hold this.
I'm-a look for quarters in the couch.
Boom! Three in a row! That deserves a hip bump.
Well, get your skinny ass over here and get to bumping.
LaTonya, is that Calvin Butler? [LAUGHS.]
: Sure is.
And it looks like he's dancing with his accountant.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Uh, Calvin, who are they? Those are the Pink Ladies.
That's who we're playing for the championship.
They're the most vicious team in the league? Don't let the pink fool you.
If the devil bowled a 210 and wore a girdle, that's what he'd look like.
210? You better try 235, sucker.
How did they even hear that? What part of the devil don't you understand? What happened to your partner Ernie? His ex-wife shoot him again? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Yes.
But he also hurt his wrist.
Oh.
Well, I'm his new partner Dave Johnson.
Ain't nobody ask your name.
They already got their game faces on.
No, they was born with them stank faces.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Wow, you're still going? Yeah! I can't believe how easily this came back to me.
- Well, good for you.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: New high score! - Wait, what? - [EXCLAIMS.]
Look at that I just beat your high score! What? Th-That's not possible.
Oh, yes, it is! Check it out, T-Booty.
G-Cutie in the house! All right, Calvin, show the Pink Ladies who we are.
I know who you are: a broke-ass Crockett and Tubbs.
Face it, you're never gonna beat us, Calvin.
- Or should I say Wrong Way Butler? - Ooh! [LAUGHING.]
Wrong Way Butler? What are they talking about? Nothing.
It's just some old news.
Like their wigs.
No, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
Show us what you got, Wrong Way.
Oh.
BOTH [CHANTING.]
: Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Ooh! Gutter ball! Calvin, what just happened? This is your fault.
You must have tweaked my hip on our last celebration bump.
Wha? That makes no sense.
The entire move was designed for safety.
Hey, Wrong Way, instead of bowling, why don't you and your math tutor go work on some equations.
I got one.
You plus you plus a bowling ball equals two chumps and a bowling ball.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
Well, you plus you equals two women that need to work on your manners.
Mm-hmm.
And another gutter ball.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That's it.
I'm going home.
- What? - Practice is over.
Calvin, we can't leave now.
You finally hit them with an insult I understand.
Hey, Tina.
How was your walk? [SIGHS.]
: It was great.
Just getting my cardio on.
Wasn't yesterday so fun? I still can't believe I beat your high score.
Girl, that was 24 hours ago.
I have two grown sons.
Ain't nobody thinking about that game.
Ooh, hey, Tina, can I ask you a question? I don't know, she just got lucky! Are you talking about the Pink Ladies? Of course.
Like, what else would I be talking about? 'Cause yesterday at the bowling alley, they kept calling Calvin "Wrong Way Butler.
" What's that all about? Ooh, yeah, that's a touchy story from high school.
- Calvin would kill me if I told you.
- Oh, I get it.
It was the night of the big championship game.
Calvin was the star linebacker.
So, on the last play, he picked up a fumble, ran it all the way to the end zone.
That's awesome.
It was the wrong end zone.
- Oh - Oh He must have been so humiliated.
He was.
I mean, everyone forgot about it, but those Pink Ladies, they never let him live it down.
That is terrible.
It's bad enough to lose the game, but to have someone rub it in? Yeah.
Can you imagine? It was such a long time ago, though.
Not to him.
He still won't admit that it bothers him.
I don't blame him.
Who wants to hear about their defeat over and over and over again? I know, right? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hey, Dave.
Here's the hammer you wanted to borrow.
Now, you hold it with this end, and you hit it with this end.
Calvin, wait.
It's two steps, Dave.
All right, look, I lied.
I'm not really building a Victorian-style birdhouse with a veranda.
I got you over here to show you this.
Where the hell you get that? Tina told me the story behind Wrong Way Butler.
She told you that? Yes, she did.
Including how the other team voted you MVP.
Well, it's none of your business.
And I threw that trophy in the trash can.
Okay, C-Calvin, Calvin.
Calvin, look.
The only way that you are going to get past this is by forgiving yourself.
This young man is hurting.
And the only person that can heal him is you.
You do know I'm still holding a hammer, right? Calvin, pl I-I'm trying to help you out here.
Please just give this a shot.
Fine.
Look I forgive you for the terrible, life-changing mistake you made when you became friends with Dave.
Calvin, you cannot win in the present if you do not let go of the past.
Now, tell this kid that he's a winner.
Tell this kid that he deserves love.
Tell him that it is not his fault.
Tell him that You're not here anymore, are you? - Hey.
- Hey.
Have you looked at Bitcoin today? No.
Why? I lost half my money, Marty.
Now I'm about to lose half my foot up your ass.
Well, hey.
O-Okay.
All right.
Calm down.
Okay, look.
Cryptocurrency goes up and down all the time.
Look.
Look at the graph.
It's already going back up.
Oh, thank God, man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my bad.
My phone was upside down.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose all my money.
No, it's gonna be okay, man.
No, it's not.
I ain't never gonna move out of here.
I'm gonna die in a twin bed.
Look, this is my fault for getting you into this.
Let me buy you out.
- Really? - Yeah, man.
You're my big brother.
Oh, thank you, baby bro.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hold up.
This is half of what I gave you.
Yeah, I'm paying you current market value.
Oh, cool.
Look at that.
It just went down again.
Calvin, are you sure you're ready for this? Look, I told you, the only thing that's messing me up is being distracted by Thing One and Thing Two over there.
That's why I brought these.
Noise-canceling headphones? That's right.
Instead of listening to those hyenas, I'm gonna have Peaches on the left and Herb on the right.
You sure you got those on the right way, Calvin? No, no, he got 'em on backwards, like the way he runs.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Well, the joke is on you.
They're stereo headphones, so the audio quality is exactly the same no matter which way you wear them.
Ain't nobody talking to you, Khaki Pants.
[CHANTING.]
: Wrong Way! BOTH: Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! I can't hear you, so I can only assume you're saying something stupid.
[LAUGHS.]
One pin! He must have been practicing.
You know, you two are meaner than Rick after Mom started having sleepovers with Doug.
["EYE OF THE TIGER" BY SURVIVOR PLAYING.]
[CHEERING.]
[CHEERING.]
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight Rising up to the challenge of our rival And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night And he's watching us all with the eye Of the tiger The eye of the tiger I'm so glad you wanted to play again.
I got the feeling you were kind of upset about me having the high score.
Oh, I'm not upset.
Because you don't have it anymore.
You snuck back here without me just to beat my high score? I didn't sneak back.
I just so happened to be here at 10:00 a.
m.
with a pocket full of quarters and a body full of talent.
Okay.
So it's like that? Guess it is.
Oh.
Then maybe we should take this to the next level.
You talking head-to-head? I'm talking foot-to-foot.
Well, you better get ready, 'cause I'm about to bring the pain.
Right after I go to the bathroom.
- I had a large iced tea.
- Oh.
Oh, man.
Malcolm, did you get out of Bitcoin at the right time.
For me! [LAUGHS.]
[WHOOPS.]
That is good for you, little brother.
- What, you're not jealous? - Oh, not at all.
Because I took my money and invested it in swag.
Oh.
More shoes.
- [CHUCKLING.]
: Yeah.
- Oh, well, look at that.
Welcome back, Broke Malcolm.
[CHUCKLING.]
That's very funny.
You see, these bad boys are all sold out.
So, if you look online, they're already worth double.
Really? Double? Why would anybody Oh, I like those.
Well, look at that they happen to be in your size.
- How much? - $300.
$300? The box says $150.
There's no way I'm paying that.
$325.
Malcolm, that's not gonna work on me.
- $350.
- Sold! Last ball, Wrong Way.
You're about to lose.
Look, Calvin, I have done all I can to keep us in this, but we need a strike.
So, if you want to win this, you are gonna have to forgive yourself.
Oh, not this again.
Look, I'm gonna be younger you.
Talk to me.
Dave, I barely like talking to you when you're you.
Older Calvin, it's time to forgive me.
I was only 16 when I ran the wrong way in that game.
I'm not doing this with you, Dave.
Oh, you know what? Maybe you're right.
Maybe I don't deserve forgiveness.
- What? - Yeah, I mean, I did let the whole school down.
That's ridiculous.
Come on.
No, it's not.
I mean, I blew it.
Me Wrong Way Butler.
Everyone was counting on me.
That's only because you were the best player on the team.
Yeah, but how could I have done something so stupid? I mean, what a boneheaded play.
So what? You still won us the championship the next year.
And you were voted prom king as a junior.
I guess I was kind of big man on campus.
You're damn right you were.
You're damn right you were.
That was Dave saying that.
Whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
How do you feel? I feel pretty good.
I feel great.
I feel like kicking some Pink Lady ass.
Oh, here he goes.
Uh-oh, I hope someone knows the Heimlich, - 'cause he about to choke.
- [LAUGHS.]
For your information, I do know the Heimlich.
I'm also certified in water safety.
Why are we even talking to you? You're not even his real partner.
Wrong.
He is my real partner.
He's also my friend.
- Best friend.
- Okay, look.
Slow down a little bit, Dave, okay? [CHANTING.]
: Wrong Way! BOTH: Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! Wrong Way! [CHEERING.]
[SHOUTS.]
Calvin, you did it! We won! That's right, and more importantly, broke-ass Oprah and Gayle over there lost.
[DAVE LAUGHS.]
Whatever.
We'll see you two next year.
Not if your cholesterol has anything to do with it.
It is time for a celebration dance, baby.
You gotta get it, you gotta go.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm about to pass it to you.
- Come on! - Here it is.
Ah, I caught it! Go, man.
Get it, Dave.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Pass it back, man.
It feels too good! I'm keeping it! You're looking pretty tired over there, G-Cutie.
Oh, oh! Are you kidding? I'm just getting started.
Guys, great news we won the tournament.
I got two grown sons, Dave.
Ain't nobody thinking about your tournament.
Oh, hold on, Tina.
Don't talk to Dave like that.
Zip it, Calvin! We're battling here! Guess we can get some nachos.
You said they're for winners.
Hell yeah.
Let's go fill this thing up with some chips and cheese.