The Neighborhood (2018) s02e17 Episode Script

Welcome to the Commercial

Aw, I love our cozy date nights.
Me, too, baby.
Grape me.
Oh, man, I hate y'all cozy date nights.
That's because you're not a romantic like your father.
Now be quiet, we're trying to watch Swamp Truckers.
Man, you got to love that Jolene.
That girl's got more tires than teeth.
Well, I will see y'all later.
Sofia and I are going for a walk on the beach.
The beach? Ain't nothing romantic about getting sand in your cracks.
Grape me again, baby.
But put some finger on it.
Man, please don't put them grapes back in the fridge.
Oh, man, look.
There's another one of those Motor Boys commercials.
Car or truck, you're in luck with the Motor Boys, beep, beep.
Man, Pop, your competition sure is running a lot of ads.
I don't know, baby.
Should we be scared? Hell no.
Calvin's Pit Stop is a local institution.
If anybody should be scared, it's them.
Change the channel, baby.
Car or truck, you're in luck with the Estás De suerte conMotor Boys Beep-a, beep-a.
See? I told you.
They even scared of me in Spanish.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Okay, this one needs to be washed in cold water, this one on delicate and this one is hand-wash only.
- Got it.
All right.
Uh, Mom are you, are you gonna remember? That I do your laundry for free? Yes.
Tina, everyone was right.
You're married to a genius.
Oh, really? Does that guy know you're also married to Dad? Very funny.
Look, I figured out the perfect way to take down Motor Boys.
We're gonna do a commercial for the shop.
A commercial? Aren't those expensive? No, no.
I made a deal on airtime.
The only catch is we have no budget, Oh it has to be done in three days and we got to shoot it ourselves.
Told you.
Mom is right.
We can't do a commercial.
No, trust me, I got it all figured out.
You're gonna shoot it with your fancy new phone, we'll play ourselves and I just got someone to play the customer.
Dad, what actor would be desperate enough to star in the world's cheapest commercial for free? I got your text.
I'm ready for my close-up.
Ah, I should go.
I got an early shift in the morning.
Are you sure you don't want to stay at my place again? Uh, you know, I better not.
Last time we didn't get any sleep, and I dozed off on my Taser.
Good night.
Good night.
That went well.
Hey! Man Gemma, were you spying on us? Well, what can I say? You're my favorite neighbor, she's my favorite employee.
It makes me happy to see you two so in l L-Los Angeles.
Come on.
Don't tell me you haven't said "I love you" yet.
What? I-It's only been four months.
Only? Dave said it the first time we met.
I was working at the Burger King drive-through, and he blurted it out right after I handed him his Whopper.
I felt like the Burger Queen.
Well, I'm not like you guys, Gemma.
I don't hand out "I love yous" like Whoppers.
No Well, you're missing out, because they are both delicious.
Okay, here's how it's gonna go.
I'm gonna say my line to camera.
"I'm great, Motor Boys suck, yada yada yada.
" Uh, Dad, I-I'm not sure you can legally say that.
Do you want to keep your job? Uh, no, not really.
You're forcing me to do this.
Then act like it.
All right, then Tina says her line.
"Line"? Why do I only get one line? Babe, it's a 30-second commercial.
We got to have time for the customer.
Eh, if you say so, but, baby, we need this thing to pop.
And we know that this is popping.
: Okay.
Dave, you ready to go? Yeah, yeah.
Uh Uh, about the customer.
Who is this guy? W-What do you mean? He's a customer.
Well, yeah, no I-I know that, but if I'm gonna be convincing, I need to know his backstory.
You know? What-what makes him tick? What brought him here and why? His broken car, because it's broken.
His broken car.
Okay, let me chew on that.
Marty, how we doing over here? Uh, great.
But before we start, how do we want this thing to look? What do you mean? Well, Motor Boys ads may be professional, but they're kind of generic.
So we can stand out by giving our ad a distinct visual aesthetic.
An aesthetic? Why do we need a fake leg? Okay, nobody treats Tarantino this way.
I made a few changes to your lines that I think will make them better.
What did you do? I gave them to me.
You gave yourself everything except "I'm Calvin Butler.
" Well, I can't say that.
I would sound ridiculous.
Calvin, I have a few questions about my character.
Dave, since when do you wear glasses? - Well, that's one of my questions.
These olives are delicious.
You have to try one.
You know, when my parents do that, it is gross.
But when you do it, it's hot.
So, uh, there's something I kind of need to talk to you about.
Okay, Gemma was watching us make out.
But she promised to see a therapist.
It's not that.
I got some news today.
I was offered a new teaching position.
Wow, that's so great.
It's in Paris.
Wow, that is so in France.
I know.
It's this amazing school.
I applied for it last year, and I honestly never thought I would get it.
So I guess you're, um, moving to France? I don't know.
I haven't accepted it yet.
Why not? Because I feel like what we have is special, so before I decide I'd like to know where you think we're going.
- Well - So, do we know what we want? Hey, can you chill out, man? This ain't got nothing to do with you! Okay, everybody, if you would all just focus and stick to my original plan, we only have to do this one more time.
Uh, actually, Dad, I think I might need a few more takes to capture the edgy Spike Lee feel I'm going for.
You're lucky there's not an aesthetic here, or I would hit you over the head with it.
Action! Hi, I'm Calvin Butler.
And here at Calvin's Pit Stop, our customers are friends, and our friends are family.
Just ask my wife Tina.
Do you have a problem with your car? Talk to Tina.
Do you want the best prices in town? Talk to Tina.
Do you want the best customer service? Talk to Calvin.
Or to Tina.
And speaking of customers, here comes one now.
After the accident, I didn't know where to bring my car.
But then I found Calvin's Pit Stop, where they did a great job at a fair price.
That's right, because here at Calvin's Sure, I lost my family in that accident, but I found a new one here at Calvin's Pit Stop! Cut! We're doing it again.
What? Uh, that's good, because I forgot to press record.
Oh, my God.
Did you see the cut of the commercial? I just watched it.
I was amazing! I know.
Wasn't I great? I know it's just a local commercial, but I feel like I could get nominated for something.
Oh, Calvin, did you see the commercial yet? Yeah.
Well, what'd you think? Well, to put it gently, it was a flaming pile of hot garbage.
What? All three of you were ridiculous.
Marty with his black-and-white montage and-and you just making love to the camera.
And you, with your backstory about being a drug addict? Ex-drug addict.
Well, y'all seem to have forgotten that my business is on the line here.
Motor Boys is stealing my customers, and y'all up in here trying to win a BET Award.
Can a white guy win that? 'Cause that would be amazing.
Calvin, we were all just doing our best.
Well, it's totally unusable.
And now I gotta do it again.
By myself.
How could you do that? I spent hours getting into that character's head.
And let me tell you something, it was not a pretty place! Yeah, I got that when you made me flush your Tic Tacs down the toilet.
Well, good luck pulling this off all by yourself.
I don't have another choice.
I gotta turn something in by tomorrow, and it sure as hell can't be what y'all did.
- Can you believe that? - I know.
I had the shakes all night coming off those fake drugs.
Oh, my God, Malcolm.
Sofia told me about her job offer.
Yeah, I know.
I don't know what to do.
Well, I am her boss.
One phone call to Paris, and I can make this whole thing go away.
You're kidding, right? Of course I'm kidding.
Unless you don't want me to be.
Well, I appreciate the offer, Gemma, but this is her decision.
So, what, you're just gonna give up? What else am I supposed to do? You're supposed to fight for her.
You can't just sit back and do nothing while the woman you Love is going to France? Oh, my God, you just said you love her.
- No, I didn't.
- Oh, yeah, you totally did.
Are you sure I didn't say "Louvre"? Because that's in France, too.
Malcolm, why can't you just admit that you're in love? Because I don't want to mess up her life, Gemma.
Mess up her life how? Look, think about it.
What if I tell Sofia I love her, she decides not to go to France, and then it doesn't work out between us? I would have stood in the way of her chasing her dreams.
I would never forgive myself for that.
I get that.
But what if you do tell her, and she stays, and it's the best thing to ever happen to you two? I don't know.
Well, I do.
If she goes, you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" And trust me, that is no way to live.
You know what, you're right.
You're right.
I'm gonna tell her I love her.
- [GASPS.]
I'm gonna text her right now.
No, no! Malcolm, Malcolm You can't just text something like that.
You gotta make is special.
Like how I gave Dave a paper crown, even though it wasn't his birthday.
Okay, well, what do you think I should do? Don't worry, leave it to me.
Thank you, Gemma.
Wait a minute.
You're not calling Paris, are you? No, silly.
Unless you want me to.
Okay, Grover, all you have to do is point the camera at me, and push the red button.
I know how to use a phone, Mr.
What do you think I am, six? You got a lot of attitude for somebody who can be replaced by a tripod.
Okay, you ready? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Action.
Hi, I'm Calvin Butler, and here at Calvin's Pit Stop, I guarantee you the best repairs with the lowest prices in town.
Just ask my wife.
Right, Tina? You can't see her, but she agrees.
What's that, sir? The best customer service you've ever had? Thank you.
Well, you heard them.
So come on down to Calvin's Pit Stop, where our customers are friends, and our friends are family.
Yeah! Yes.
That's how you do it.
What do you think? It was great, Mr.
Really funny.
What do you mean funny? I mean how you talk about your friends and family when you're all by yourself.
Well, I wouldn't be if my friends and family took this seriously.
My dad took it seriously.
He said the pressure is what got his character hooked on drugs.
I know.
He told me he crashed his car escaping from rehab.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
I guess he was just worried about letting you down.
He was? Yeah.
He said he really just wanted to help you beat Motor Boys.
Oh, man.
Maybe I did overreact.
I guess everybody was just trying to help.
Not me.
You promised me 20 bucks.
Okay, it's all set.
I've got the balloons, a bouquet of roses, and the fourth grade a Capella group - is hiding in the nurse's office.
- Okay.
Why fourth grade? Because the sixth graders just hit puberty, and they sound like a bunch of horny sea lions.
Man, I am nervous.
It's gonna be fine.
And if not, I've got France on speed dial.
Hey, Gemma, you wanted to see me? Malcolm? What are you doing here? I thought that I would come by and, uh, surprise you.
Oh, gotta go.
Murphy got bit by the class turtle again.
It is hard to go back to lettuce when you've tasted blood.
So, what's going on? Well, I, um I've been thinking a lot about the idea of you moving to France.
And there's something that I I'm not going.
What? Really? Really.
What made you decide to stay? Well, the more I thought about going, the more I realized I don't want to mess up my life.
Mess up your life? Yeah.
I mean, I know going to Paris is something I've always dreamed of, but I'm just afraid that if I give up everything here to go, and then it doesn't work out, I'd never forgive myself.
You know, I know exactly how you feel.
Which is why you have to go.
What? Look, Sofia, nothing would make me happier than if you stayed.
But you can't let being afraid stop you from going after something that you want.
'Cause if you do, you'll always be wondering "what if?" And that's no way to live.
I'm gonna miss you.
Yeah, no, I, uh I miss you already.
You are my - Sunshine - Oh, damn! My only sunshine You make me happy.
This isn't Mr.
Cullen's retirement party.
Everybody out.
Out, out, out, out! [BALLOONS POPPING.]
I don't know what Dad's talking about.
My camerawork is great.
I mean sure, the slow motion didn't work, but that was only in the flashbacks.
And there was nothing wrong with my acting.
Although [SIGHS.]
falling out of the wheelchair might have been a bit much.
Yeah, in hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have licked that wrench.
Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Look, uh, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for what I said.
You were all just trying to help, and I just kept shutting you down.
Well, baby, you, uh, you weren't wrong.
Yeah, we just watched it again, and we were pretty awful.
Yeah, you were straight trash.
Uh, but the point is, is you're my family and you're my friend and that's what the shop is all about, so I was thinking maybe we all take another crack at it.
You sure? Because we I'm in.
Well, me, too.
Oh, what the hell? Let's make a sequel.
All right.
Come on, well, let's do this thing.
But this time, no sad backstories.
Totally agree.
But what about, uh, [BOSTON ACCENT.]
: this time I'm a guy from Boston who, uh, crashed his car after he robbed a bank.
Where the hell is an aesthetic when you need one? Hi, I'm Calvin Butler.
And here at Calvin's Pit Stop, we guarantee the best repairs at the lowest prices in town.
Just ask my wife Tina.
He's right.
And I don't say that often.
But don't take our word for it.
Here comes a satisfied customer now.
Wow, these are the best repairs and the lowest prices in town.
Told you.
Thanks, Calvin's Pit Stop.
So come on down to Calvin's Pit Stop, where our customers are friends ALL: And our friends are family.
We did it.
We were on TV! And in the best time slot of the night.
Right between Swamp Truckers and Swamp Wives.
Well, I say we celebrate.
Let's go to Ernie's.
Let's do it.
Just in case there's paparazzi.

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