The Neighborhood (2018) s03e10 Episode Script

Welcome to the Procedure

1 Is it my turn? No, we're still waiting for Calvin to play.
Okay, uh, stop rushing me.
Dave took like ten minutes to put down the word "cat.
" Well, I was one letter away from "catnip," but all I had was this blank tile.
Damn it! Okay, all right, here we go.
Here we go right here.
F-I N-N-A.
Triple word score.
- (LAUGHS) - "Finna"? What's "finna"? You know, as in, "I'm finna get 38 points for that word.
" (MUTTERS SOFTLY) I'm pretty sure "finna" isn't in the dictionary.
Well, Black people say it all the time, so if it's not, your dictionary's racist.
Boom, triple word score.
Ah What's wrong? I'm having some problems with my wrist lately.
I think I might have carpal tunnel.
Damn it.
I could've played "carpal," too.
Dave, if your wrist hurts, you should see my doctor.
Richards is like family.
Calvin, Dr.
Richards died nine years ago.
He did? Well, let that be a lesson.
Don't let family drift apart.
Seriously, Calvin? You haven't seen a doctor in nine years? TINA: No.
I've been begging him to get a physical for the longest time, - but he just won't go.
- That's because I don't need to.
Look, I'm so healthy, I already outlived my doctor by nine years.
Calvin, you should really listen to Tina.
You know, your health is important.
If I were you, I would definitely be finna to go.
Gemma, you're right.
It's not a word.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
- Oh, hey, Calvin.
- Hey, Dave.
- What do you got there? - Oh, just some of my old juggling clubs.
You know, I would say I didn't know you juggled, but deep down, I think I did.
Well, I haven't done it in years, so I might be a little rusty.
But I figured, hey, what's the worst that could happen? I don't know, but whatever it is, I am definitely getting it on video.
Just got to do one last thing.
Whoa, you're setting them on fire? I thought you said you hadn't juggled in years.
That's crazy.
Well, maybe, but not half as crazy as skipping the doctor for nine years.
So I guess you could say we're both playing with fire.
Oh, okay.
So that's what this is about.
You know what? I take it back.
Go ahead.
Roast your marshmallows.
Calvin, I'm serious.
You got to go to the doctor every year.
- It's really important.
- Dave, I'm fine.
I treat my body like a temple.
It's probably why so many people worship me.
Okay, I guess Tina was right.
You won't listen to reason.
So it looks like I'm gonna have to try - something else to get you to do it.
- What? Embarrass you.
If you don't go to the doctor, I'm gonna make a T-shirt that says "Calvin is my best friend," and I'm gonna wear it wherever we go.
- Eh, you wouldn't.
- I already did.
How'd you get that made so fast? You just found out about this last night.
Actually, I've had it for a while.
I had it made for our upcoming friendiversary.
Just picture it, Calvin.
You're in the barber shop holding court, I stroll in wearing this.
So what? I've been the big dog around here a long time.
It'll take more than a T-shirt to bring me down.
I figured you'd say that, which is why I made it a tank top.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
I'll go.
But if Dr.
Richards wasn't already dead, this would've killed him.
Hey, here you go, bro.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, man, it doesn't get any better than this.
Two grown men, making it on our own, living our independent lives.
Marty, we live 60 feet from Mom and Pop's house.
It's far enough away to be independent but close enough to steal their Wi-Fi.
- I see.
- Hey, little man.
- MARTY: Hey.
What's up? Come on in.
We're having career day at my school.
Since my dad came last year and my mom's the principal, and you have such an awesome job at JPL, I thought I'd ask you.
Well, your friendly neighborhood rocket scientist gladly accepts your invitation.
Oh, I was actually talking to Malcolm.
(LAUGHS) What? But Malcolm's just a security guard.
Uh, yeah, a security guard who just watched you blow up - on takeoff.
- What ? Yeah, but that, that makes no sense.
Why would you want him instead of me? Because security guards are cool.
They've got uniforms and handcuffs, - and he takes down bad guys, right? - Well, you know, uh, I do what I got to do.
Yeah, and what you got to do is check I.
's and let the pizza guy up the elevator.
(CHUCKLES) And just for that, from now on, - the only lunch I'm letting up is salad.
- (GASPS) Whoa, guys, I didn't mean to start a fight.
Look, Marty, if you want to, you can come, too.
Yes! (LAUGHS) I'm gonna get started right now.
You guys are gonna see just how fun math and science can be! Great.
If he gets too boring, you do what you got to do.
Well, I hope he has better news for me than he had for you.
Okay, Mr.
Butler, I have the results from your physical, and You know what? I'm fine.
I don't care what your stupid test says.
Actually, they say you're in amazing health.
Oh, well, tests don't lie.
I told you he's a good doctor.
You should've listened to him.
Your cholesterol is good, your blood pressure is low - all your numbers look great.
- Huh.
Now all we've got to do is schedule your colonoscopy.
Uh, say what, now? Your colonoscopy? When it comes to colon cancer, early detection can save your life.
It's standard procedure for anyone over 45.
Well, great, so there's no rush.
I plan on being over 45 the rest of my life.
Look, I know the idea makes a lot of men uncomfortable, but trust me, it's not a big deal.
First, you'll be put to sleep.
Then we insert a small camera into the rectum.
From there, it travels through your large intestine, then it zigs and it zags deeper and deeper all the way up here into your small intestine, taking pictures along the way.
Then we just reel it back in, and (POPS) out pops the camera.
Well, that all sounds delightful, but, um (POPS) that's a hard pass.
(SIGHS) Hey, man.
Oh, hey, Malcolm.
Whoa, what is under there? Uh, Marty? If it's another Lego Death Star, you don't need to hide it from me, man.
I already know you're a dork.
For your information, that was not the Death Star.
That was the planet Tatooine.
Okay? So who's the dork now? Right, okay, so, uh, what is it? Uh, just a little something to ensure that I win career day.
- "Win career day"? - Mm-hmm.
I didn't realize it was a competition.
Oh, it won't be, because I have this.
Marty, I don't want to know what you do with that robot hand, and I'm sure the kids won't, either.
Malcolm, meet Elliot, a fully articulated bionic limb designed to make exterior repairs to the International Space Station.
He also gives pretty sweet fist bumps.
- That is pretty impressive.
- I know, right? Yeah, but I'm not worried about it, because I have this.
A stun gun? Please.
Elliot can crush steel and survive temperatures down to 500 degrees below zero.
How can a stun gun compete? Maybe like this.
(SHOUTS) Malcolm, are you crazy? Do you know how long this is gonna take me to fix? Hopefully not too long, because I would love to do that again in front of the kids.
(LAUGHS) Oh, hey, babe.
So, what did the doctor say? Exactly what I told you he would.
I'm in perfect health.
You know, I hate to say it, but, uh, I think I'm gonna outlive this one, too.
Well, that is such a relief.
Did he say anything else? Uh, no, uh, not that I recall.
I am so happy to hear that.
You know what? And to celebrate, I've got something very special planned for you.
Uh, what's that? I scheduled your colonoscopy.
Uh, s-say what, now? The doctor's office called.
How could you leave there without scheduling an appointment? Come on, Tina.
The doctor said I was healthy.
- Isn't that good enough? - No, Calvin, that is not good enough.
You know, I looked it up online.
Do you know that one in every 48 men will get colon cancer? And that number is even worse for Black men.
Well, you know what's worse for this Black man? Is having someone turn my ass into a photo booth.
Calvin, this is nonnegotiable.
You're too important to me.
So here.
- What's that? - It's your dinner for tonight.
It's a stimulant laxative that will flush out your system.
Come on, Tina.
Quit playing.
I don't want that stuff inside my body.
Oh, don't worry, baby.
It won't be for long.
- Morning, babe.
How you feeling? - Terrible.
That laxative had me running to the bathroom all night.
Aw, poor baby.
I would hug you, but squeezing you right now might not be a good idea.
Don't worry, Tina.
There's nothing left.
I haven't felt this empty since N.
A broke up.
W well, wait.
What are you doing sitting down? You got to go get dressed for your appointment.
You know, I was thinking about rescheduling.
We got a big shipment coming into the shop today.
Calvin, it's a box of air fresheners.
I know.
I just need to be there to make sure Hector doesn't steal 'em like he does the paper towels.
Calvin, I can take care of the shop.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, hold on.
If you're at the shop and the doctor says I can't drive myself, who's taking me? Oh, hey, buddy.
Ready to go? Seriously? Dave's taking me to my colonoscopy? Why not? You always said he was a pain in the ass.
Just think of him as the pregame warm-up.
Hey, Gemma.
Hey, Malcolm.
Where's Marty? I thought he was coming, too.
Uh, I don't know.
Maybe we should check the lockers.
He has a long history of getting stuffed in 'em.
Okay, class, let's get started.
I just stopped by because Grover's special guest for career day is a close friend of mine.
In fact, he's so close, he's actually my neighbor! Okay, take it away, Grover.
I told her that wouldn't work.
My career day guest has the coolest job ever.
I don't want to brag, but he's pretty much a superhero, and his name is Malcolm Butler! Well, thank you, G-man.
I don't know if I would say superhero, but then again, that's exactly what a superhero would say.
(CHUCKLES) Now, as a security guard, my job is to keep people safe.
- Which is why I always make sure - (LOUD FANFARE PLAYING) What's up, tiny Earthlings? Are you kidding me? This is so cool.
Guys, this is Marty.
He's, uh, uh, what's-his-name's brother.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
It was hard to find parking for my spaceship.
Oh! Okay, it's in that parking lot up there.
You know, I'm really glad you decided to do this.
After all, the healthier you are, the longer we get to be friends.
You know, I thought about that, too, and then I decided to do it anyway.
- Good, we're here, so pull in that space.
- Okay.
Wait a second, uh I don't see a doctor's office.
All I see is a Dave & Buster's.
Because that's where we're going, Dave.
Happy friendiversary.
Okay, Calvin, we are supposed to be going to your colonoscopy, not combining all the innocent fun of childhood with the alcoholic fun of adulthood.
I know, I know, but a colonoscopy, that's just about me.
A friendiversary is about us.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) You have no idea how long I've waited to hear those words.
But no, Calvin, I won't do it.
- Your health is too important.
- Oh, come on.
What could possibly be more important than spending a full day of uninterrupted fun with your BFF? That is a dirty trick, Calvin.
And what's worse is you didn't tell me so I could have worn mine.
Come on, Dave, so what's it gonna be? We gonna do this or what? Calvin, I don't know.
All right, okay, how about this? We play one game of Skee-Ball.
If you win, I go ahead and get my colonoscopy.
If I win, you treat my recently evacuated colon to hot wings and beer.
Okay, you know what, fine.
If that's the only way that I can make you do it, then I'm in.
Come on, let's go.
But FYI, that shirt would look a lot cooler as a tank top.
- Hey.
- Well, there he is.
The world's first jackass-tronaut.
Hey, don't be mad at me.
It's not my fault the kids voted to have a mural of me painted on the handball court.
Well, congratulations, Marty.
You officially won career day and made me look like a chump.
Oh, come on, man, that's not what I meant to do.
Well, what did you mean to do? Malcolm, ever since we were kids, you were always the cool one, but I was the nerd.
The geek.
The whatever else Dad used to call me.
Oh, you mean like poindexter and brainiac.
My favorite was dork chocolate.
It's hard to forget that one when he wrote it on my birthday cake.
I mean, I know it might sound dumb, but I was really excited to go back to school for a day and be the cool guy I never was.
Oh, come on, man, you were cool.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- No, I'm serious, Marty.
I mean, I'm a really confident dude, but I think I would have felt ridiculous walking into that classroom in a damn space suit.
But not you.
You owned it.
And if owning who you are is not cool, then, little brother, I don't know what is.
- It was pretty cool, right? - Yeah.
And the lunch lady even gave me her phone number.
(BOTH LAUGH) You see, man, you should keep that suit.
A lunch lady today, maybe someone under 60 tomorrow.
I wish I could keep it.
Too bad it's a top secret prototype worth a million dollars.
What? You snuck a million-dollar space suit out of a high-security facility to impress a bunch of fourth-graders? Are you crazy?! I don't know, but I'll tell you what's crazier.
You're gonna help me sneak it back in.
(LAUGHS): Uh-uh.
There's no way, man.
Why would I risk my job to do that? Well, because I snuck it out on your watch.
- Grab the suit.
Let's go.
- Okay.
- (BELL RINGS) - Yes! Another 30.
You are definitely getting your colonoscopy today.
This isn't fair.
You didn't tell me you were great at Skee-Ball.
That's right.
Because if I did, you might have picked Whac-A-Mole.
It just makes me feel weird smashing those cute little guys over the head.
Well, I can still win this thing if I get that hundred in the corner.
Please, Calvin, nobody ever hits those.
- You might as well give up now.
- Uh-uh.
If I get this ball in that hole, that means no one's getting near mine.
(BELL RINGS) Oh! (LAUGHING) How the hell'd you do that? Well, let's just say I was literally fighting to save my ass.
Okay, you know what, Calvin, fine, you win.
But I don't I don't get it.
You know, you are one of the toughest guys I know.
How are you this afraid of a minor medical procedure? It's not the procedure I'm afraid of, Dave.
Okay, well, then what is it? What if they find something? All right? I just got a clean bill of health.
I want to quit while I'm ahead.
Okay, Calvin, what does that even mean? It means if I'm sick, I don't want to know.
Look, Tina said that one out of 48 men get colon cancer.
What if I'm number 48? But not knowing doesn't keep you from being sick.
It keeps you from being able to do anything about it.
Look, I know this doesn't make any sense, but this disease is even worse for Black men, and I just can't think of the possibility of not being there for my family.
Yeah, but isn't family the whole point? I mean, how would how would you feel if Tina or the boys were in your situation? Wouldn't you want them to know the truth so if there was some sort of bad news they could do something about it? Of course I would.
Well, then don't you think you owe it to them to do the same? Come on, Calvin, you know I'm right.
Let's go.
But before we do, I want you to know something, Dave.
You are my BFF.
Thank you.
You know, with you wearing that shirt, well, it'll kind of be like, you know, we're in that room together.
And you took it too far! Smells good, babe.
What are we having? Well, in honor of the good news about your colonoscopy, I thought we'd celebrate with rump roast.
(LAUGHTER) Very funny.
Go ahead.
Get it out of your system.
After that orange laxative, I know I did.
Well, seriously, Pop, I'm really glad that you went through with it.
Yeah, Dad, we're proud of you, man.
I mean, I would have preferred you showed us the pictures after dinner, but still.
Well, what's important is now we know that you're gonna be with us a long time.
And pretty soon, we'll know the same about you.
What do you mean? Well, I talked to your doctor today and scheduled your colonoscopy.
Say what, now? Babe, it's just as important that women get them, too.
So, here you go.
(POPS) Enjoy your dinner.
Colon cancer is 90% treatable if detected early.
Go to StandUpToCancer.
org/ColonCancer for information on which screening test may be right for you.

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