The Neighborhood (2018) s03e14 Episode Script

Welcome to the Hero

1 I hope Que's still here.
My bladder's about to burst.
Well, it's your own fault.
I've never seen a restaurant cut a guy off from bottomless lemonade.
It's a medical thing.
Dry tongue runs in my family.
Hey, Calvin, Dave.
What's up? Uh, your toilet seat in about three seconds.
Eh, sorry about that, Que.
I'm still potty training him.
When I did that with my dog, I used to whack him with a rolled-up newspaper.
I tried that.
It didn't work.
Oh, sorry, man, we're closed.
I'm not here for a haircut.
I'm here for the money.
Now hand it over.
What? Why would he give you any money? Because right now I'm asking nicely.
I mean, he did ask politely.
Well, don't just stand there, Que.
Do something.
Good call.
See ya! Seriously? If you didn't cut my hair for free, I would change barbers! All right, you.
Empty the cash box.
No problem.
After what he just did, I'd give you the tip jar, too.
Ooh, that feels much better.
And who put my phone number above the urinal? Uh, uh, Dave? Oh, hey.
Dave Johnson.
You just stay right there.
Don't worry, I washed my hands.
He doesn't care about your hygiene, Dave.
He's here to rob the place.
Well, in that case, uh, I take my handshake back.
Get over there with your friend.
I think you mean best friend.
Dave, now is not the time.
Okay, all right, well, let me just go over here so I can - powder your nose! - [SCREAMS.]
Quick, Calvin, call the police! I will.
But first let me grab his gun.
What He has a gun? Dave, get over here and hold him down! Okay! [YELPING.]
Thank God this happened after I peed.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
So then the cops came, they took the dude away and asked us for our statements.
Yeah, which was hard for me to give, because my dry tongue came back with a vengeance.
I still can't believe you guys got robbed at gunpoint.
I'm just so glad you're both okay.
Yeah, me, too.
Aw, baby.
I don't want you going back to the barbershop.
I'll cut your hair from now on.
Thanks, babe, but I'd rather take my chances with the gun.
It's so cool what you did, Dad.
You're like Batman, except with a much lamer car.
It was not that big a deal, and, Grover, there is nothing lame about a reliable hatchback that gets 30 miles to the gallon.
Y-You know what? Grover's right.
You're a hero, Dave.
Just because you got a boring car and an unintimidating physique and a pretty squeaky voice, uh w-where was I going with this? Uh, well, I think you were complimenting me.
Look, the point is is I owe you one.
Well, in that case, why don't you finally let me teach you to play Frisbee golf? Like I told Tina, I'd rather take my chances with the gun.
Oh, hey, Gemma.
Hi, Marty.
You know, it's pretty crazy what happened to Dave and my dad last night, huh? Crazy? More like horrifying, or terrifying or "I didn't sleep a wink"-ifying.
Oh, so school principals can just make up words now? I'm just so freaked out.
I know they're okay, but I keep imagining all the things that could've gone wrong.
You know, I do the same thing whenever I'm thinking of asking a girl out, but it always winds up okay.
- Really? - Yeah, 'cause I never do it.
Ugh, I just wish there was something that could help me take my mind off of it.
Well, if you want, you can come help me work in my vegetable garden.
- I always find it's relaxing.
- You do? Yeah, it's peaceful, quiet, it helps me clear my head.
All right, I'll give it a shot.
It'll be fun-tasterrific.
Nice try, Marty, but leave the fake-titious words to the professionals.
Hey, hey, y'all.
Here's the man of the hour.
And I also brought Dave.
- What's up, Dave?! Whoa, I wasn't expecting all this.
Looks like word spread pretty fast.
Yeah, almost as fast as Que ran his ass out of here when he saw that gun.
Hey, I ran to call the cops, 'cause I get better phone reception hiding underneath my bed.
So, come on, Dave.
Give us the details.
Oh, yeah, and you ain't got to start from the beginning.
Que filled us in on the first ten seconds.
I mean, come on, guys, it-it really was not that big a deal.
I, just, was in the right place at the right time.
Dave, stop being so modest.
This might actually be the only time somebody really wants to hear what you got to say.
Yeah, man, tell us how you took this fool down.
Okay, look, I [SIGHS.]
I guess it all started when I looked at the menu and I saw the words "bottomless lemonade.
" Okay, Dave, you have been cool for, like, 12 hours.
Don't blow it now.
Okay, look, there's not that much to say.
You know, I came out of the bathroom, I saw the guy, and I could sense that something was wrong.
Ooh, like Spider-Man.
I told y'all Spidey-senses was real.
Come on, Randy, I'm not Spider-Man.
Although a lot of people have been comparing me to Batman.
They've all been under the age of ten, but ain't lying.
Keep going, man.
All right, well, I mean, I guess I could tell you what I did to the guy or I could show you! - [SHOUTS.]
- Hey, hey! You were right, Marty.
This is really helping me calm down.
Yeah, I know.
I just love getting my hands down in the earth, nurturing my little baby vegetables.
It helps me stay grounded.
Plus, their dependence on me makes me feel like a god.
Oh, hey, Gemma.
What are you doing out here with Marty and his Cabbage Patch Kids? Well, Marty thought gardening might help take my mind off what happened last night, and he was right.
It is so nice to only be thinking about what's right in front of me.
Carrots and radishes Oh, my God! What?! Did you see a potato bug? Show me and I will smite him! No, my wedding ring is missing.
It must have fallen off somewhere in the garden.
Okay, don't worry, i-it's got to be in here somewhere.
Uh, we'll just dig around until we find it.
Uh, well, yeah, yeah, yeah, but-but please be careful.
Remember, these are my babies.
The hell with that.
One of your babies stole my ring.
So I looked the guy straight in the eye and I said, "We can do this the easy way "or we can do it the hard way.
And F.
, I like it the hard way.
" I think they get the picture, Dave.
Especially after you drew them one.
I got to give it to you, Dave, I-I had no idea you were such a tough dude.
Hey, I don't go looking for trouble, but when I hear it's looking for me, I raise my hand and I say, "Dave Johnson, who dis?" Ooh! Hey, yo, Calvin, how come you ain't never tell us Dave know how to throw them hands, man? I guess I never really had the time.
Because clearly it takes an hour and a half.
Hey, Dave, now that I know you can hang, I run a little private casino situation a few times a week.
You know, poker, shooting pool, throwing dice.
- You should come by tonight.
- Uh, actually, Trey, I don't believe that that's Dave's scene.
What are you talking about, Calvin? I love a good dice game.
You know, I don't want to brag, but I once threw three Yahtzees in a row.
Man, you're funny.
But don't make any jokes tonight.
Laughing always leads to fights.
Why? I never asked.
Questions also lead to fights.
Hey, Dave, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, uh, hold on.
What's up? Look, trust me, you do not want any part of Trey's "casino.
" Why not? It's a rough crowd, man.
You say the wrong thing in there and they'll whup your ass till you're as bottomless as those lemonades.
Okay, Calvin, I appreciate your concern, but I think I've proven that I can handle myself.
Okay, all right, look, I get it.
Uh, y-you're feeling yourself, and that's cool, man.
But we both know things didn't go down exactly the way you've been telling those guys.
Name one thing that didn't happen.
You running up the wall to do a flying kick.
Okay, well, name another.
You running up that wall to do a second flying kick.
Come on, man.
I'm just trying to protect you here.
Oh, you mean like the way that I had to protect you last night? Excuse me? Yeah, that's right.
While I was taking care of business and you were just standing there doing nothing.
Oh, oh, okay.
All right.
So that's the way you feel about it? Yeah.
That's the way I feel.
All right, then fine.
Knock yourself out.
Or better yet, take Yahtzee and somebody else will.
Hey, Dave, glad you made it.
Oh, me, too.
Wow, Trey, you've got a nice setup here.
You even have a coat check guy.
We don't have a coat check guy.
Well, in that case it looks like I don't have a coat.
Uh, I brought some red wine and a charcuterie tray.
Uh, you might want to give the guys a heads-up.
The Roquefort is a little robust.
I'll let Mad Dog know.
For a tough dude, he has very delicate taste buds.
Okay, what should I do first? I've got a hundred bucks burning a hole in my coat po Ah, damn it.
It's cool.
I got you, Dave.
But next time, if somebody offers to park your car, we don't have a valet either.
Yo, guys, this is my boy Dave.
That's Carlos, Ricky and Eddie.
I'd shake your hands but, uh, I have cheese fingers.
Yeah! What's up with you, Eddie? You just got out of jail.
That usually puts a smile on your face.
I know, but my favorite cousin just went in.
He got busted last night trying to rob a barbershop.
What's that you say? Yeah, some clown jumped him with a broom and held him till the cops showed up.
What a crazy story that I am definitely hearing for the very first time.
Crazy's gonna be what I do to the guy if I ever find out who did it.
I would do the same thing if I ever found me I mean him.
Trey, why would you invite me here? Dave, I swear, I didn't know they were related.
But you gotta go.
If I get any blood stains in this place, I'm gonna lose my cleaning deposit.
Okay, okay.
I Look, I'm out of here.
Uh, guys, it was very nice meeting you.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold on, man, you can't leave.
House rules.
New guy always rolls.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you, but I-I really should be going.
But feel free to help yourself to some charcuterie and a very oaky merlot.
I wasn't asking you.
I was telling you.
New guy rolls.
Okay, but, uh I warned you about the cheese fingers, so if these dice get stinky, well that's on you! [DICE RATTLING.]
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my ring has to be here somewhere! Keep digging.
Oh, okay, okay.
But-but take it easy.
You are destroying my entire garden.
Oh, that's not true.
Your carrots are still safe.
Oh, my God, it might be in the carrots.
Uh, okay, this is a disaster! All I have left is two strawberries, some kale and a beet.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going inside to make the world's saddest smoothie.
I feel so bad for Marty.
I think it's gonna be a long time before I'll be able to eat a vegetable again.
Nice try, Grover.
It was worth a shot.
Hey, Calvin, what are you doing home? I thought you were hanging out with Dave tonight.
Change of plans.
Dave went to Trey's underground casino.
So I decided to stay home and do something fun with you instead.
Are you crazy?! You let Dave go to Trey's by himself? Okay, so maybe I should have gone bowling.
Calvin, how could you do that? You know how rough things get over there.
Hey, I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen.
So now he's got to learn the hard way.
Because apparently, that's the way he likes it.
What are you talking about? Hey, you should have heard him down at the shop bragging about how tough he is.
- So? - So? This is the same Dave whose favorite season is autumn because he loves to jump in leaf piles.
Come on, Calvin, give him a break.
You know? He's just excited 'cause he's finally getting some shine.
What do you mean? I mean, when you and Dave go down to the shop, you know, you're always the big dog.
The one in the spotlight getting everyone's respect.
What do you think that's like? Oh, I know what it's like.
It's amazing.
I meant for Dave.
Come on, Calvin, think about it.
He doesn't get to experience that.
So can you blame him for getting carried away? - Eh, I guess not.
- See? You know what? I better get down there and make sure he's okay.
Oh, good.
Take your coat 'cause it's cold out.
Oh, I'm taking two, 'cause ten bucks says Dave already lost his.
It's no use.
We've looked everywhere.
We're never gonna find it.
Oh, don't worry, Gemma, I'm sure it'll turn up.
Look, maybe one day Marty will be eating a salad, and boom "Ah, chipped tooth.
There it is.
" I know you're trying to help, but I just feel terrible.
First I almost lose Dave, now I lose the ring he gave me when we got married.
Okay, that's true, but think about it this way.
You didn't lose Dave.
He's totally fine.
All you lost was a piece of jewelry.
You're right.
I'm focusing on the wrong thing.
Dave's okay, and that's all that matters.
I mean, if you think about it, the ring was just a symbol of what's really important: the love we have for each other.
As long as we have that, who needs a silly little Mom, Mom, Mom! I found your ring! Oh, thank God! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
It was in a little tray next to the kitchen sink.
That's right, I took it off to wash the dishes right before I came over here to Murder every one of Marty's veggie babies for no reason.
That is a very harsh yet accurate way to say it.
So what are you gonna tell Marty? [SIGHS.]
Well, sweetie, as hard as it may be, when you make a mistake and you hurt somebody, you always have to tell them the truth.
Oh, the truth about what? That I just found my ring right here! - But you just said that - Hey, hey, hey, kid, play your cards right and you won't have to eat a vegetable for years.
Man, you're on the hottest streak I've ever seen.
- Yeah, man, you can't lose.
- Yeah, lucky me.
It's like I couldn't even get out of here if I wanted to.
No way, man, you ain't going anywhere.
I'm up big.
Come on, man, keep rolling.
Okay, uh, anything but a seven, right, guys? Okay.
Please, God, a seven.
Please, God, a seven.
Yes! I win again.
Get over here, cheese fingers! Damn, I knew he was in over his head.
Hey! Get your hands off of him! What's your problem, man? I'm not the one with the problem, you are.
Do you have any idea who you're messing with? No, he does not, and I would really love to keep it that way.
Nah, Dave, this fool needs to know that you single-handedly took down an armed robber at Que's barbershop yesterday.
What?! Yeah, that's right.
He whupped the dude's ass so bad, he sent him crying to his mama.
Aunt Lorraine? So you're the guy that got my cousin busted.
Cousin? Oh, damn.
Okay, well, Eddie, yes.
Technically, I am the one who got your cousin busted, but let's not forget that I'm also the one who brought the charcuterie plate that everyone has been raving about.
That's it, you're a dead man.
Oh, no, he's not.
Ha! Calvin! You said you didn't know how to play Frisbee.
No, I said Frisbee golf.
Big difference, Dave.
Go, go, go! Hey, I'm just gonna take this.
It's probably too oaky for you guys.
I told you, Dave, you didn't have to give me a gift.
I know, but it's just my way of saying thank you for saving my life.
Look, if I hadn't gotten such a big head, none of this would have ever happened.
Well, when you put it like that, why isn't this bigger? Yahtzee? You got me Yahtzee? Okay Look, I know it's not cool, like Trey's dice game, but it's actually really fun if you give it a chance.
You know what, Dave, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
And that's only because of what you did at the barbershop, but I love Yahtzee, too, man! What?! First I find out you Frisbee, and now this? I know, I should have told you.
Are you kidding me? Yahtzee and Frisbee? You throw in a cheese tray, and this is gonna be the weekend of my life.
I hope you like a smoked Gouda.

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