The Neighborhood (2018) s03e17 Episode Script

Welcome to the Invasion

Hey, hey, what up, shop? - Hey.
- What up, Calvin? Hey, shoppedy-shop, can I get a "what-what?" Sorry, Dave.
Looks like the shoppedy-shop gave you a "nopedy-nope.
" Hey, Que, why does Bobby have a pink chair at his station? Oh, that's not Bobby's station anymore.
He had to skip town.
Yeah, he sneezed and accidentally shaved off one of Big Mike's eyebrows.
Man, he didn't even wait for a "Bless you.
" Just dropped the clippers and ran.
Anyway, now that he's gone, I rented out his station to a couple of women who's gonna do nails.
All right.
It'll be nice to get some female energy up in here.
Now Dave doesn't have to feel so alone.
- Pink Ladies in the house! - Can I get a "what-what?" What-what? Oh, no.
It's the Pink Ladies.
What are they doing here? And why did they get a "what-what" and I didn't? Do y'all know each other? Unfortunately, yes.
These two buzzards been circling me since high school.
Hey, Regina, isn't that Calvin Butler? Couldn't be.
That guy's older, uglier, and has way more hair - coming out of his nose.
- Ha! No, that's him, all right.
You can tell because he's standing next to his emotional support dork.
- What's up? - What's up? - No, what's up? - No, what's up with you? Yeah, looks like I ain't the only one that got hair coming out their nose.
Regina, hand me that nail file.
I'm about to shank this fool.
Oh, uh, C-Calvin, let's get out of here.
No, Dave.
The shop is my spot.
If anybody's leaving, it's them.
Oh, no, we're not.
See, Que already cashed our check, so we're here to stay.
That's right, unlike your hairline.
What you laughing at, Trey? You and your bald head wish you had my hairline! Aah! I cannot believe the Pink Ladies are working at the barbershop.
I know.
What are we gonna do? I don't know, but as long as they're at the shop, I'm not getting my hair cut there.
Besides Me always wanting to know what I'd look like with them rude boy dreadlocks, you know.
Calvin, you can't let them drive you out of your own barbershop.
And trust me, as someone who's had dreads, they're not worth the effort.
You know, if they were dudes, I'd kick their asses.
But according to their driver's licenses, they're technically females.
Well, look, if you can't do that, there's really only one other solution.
What's that? Why don't you take the high road? What do you mean? Like a hit-and-run? No.
Uh, you-you try to make peace with them.
Are you crazy? I'm not making peace with those two wig-wearing warthogs.
Look, Calvin, you said it yourself they're driving you crazy.
And clearly, they're not going anywhere.
But if you go in and extend an olive branch, I promise they'll follow your lead.
What makes you so sure? Well, because mediating conflicts is what I do for a living.
I don't know, man.
Come on, trust me, Calvin.
If you go in there and offer a truce, everything will be just fine, mon.
In one sentence, you just ruined dreads and Jamaica for me.
You know, I am so excited that you and Dave are trying to have another baby.
I know.
We haven't had this much sex since he shaved off those stupid dreads.
Well, at least someone's making babies around here.
By the time Malcolm and Marty give me grandkids, they'll be changing my diaper, too.
Well, is either one of them seeing anyone these days? Well, they're on all those dating apps, but neither one's had a girlfriend in a while.
I guess Malcolm's been working more hours, and Marty's been well, Marty.
Well, maybe the problem is their profiles aren't capturing how amazing they are in real life.
I never thought of that.
You know, maybe we should go online and look.
We can't.
You can only search those apps if you have your own profile.
Well, can't we just make a fake one? I guess, as long as you don't think it's wrong.
Oh, it's wrong, but not as wrong as me laying on a changing table next to my grandbabies.
Look who's back.
You lose something, Calvin? 'Cause if you're looking for your dignity, Que already swept the floor.
Look, I didn't come to fight.
I came to end this stupid rivalry.
Look, LaTonya, did Calvin Butler just say he wanted to make peace with us? I think he did.
Regina, check the cap on that nail polish remover.
Those fumes got us trippin'.
Y'all ain't trippin'.
All right.
Look, I just figured if we're gonna be in this shop together, it's time that maybe we took the high road with each other.
- Hmm.
- I don't think he's playing.
He don't have that usual stanky-ass look on his face.
I know.
I mean, it's still a little stanky, - but the ass part just gone.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, I'm serious, guys.
And as a show of good faith, I want to give you free tune-ups at my shop.
For your cars, not your faces.
I'm sorry.
It was right there.
You know what I'm saying? Like, pop.
You know? - That's pretty big of you, Calvin.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm in.
Me, too.
And in light of our newfound peace, we should do something for you.
Like what? - Right.
- How about we give you a manicure on the house? Nah, I don't need all that.
I'm pretty enough.
I got to keep the hands relatable, you know? Come on, Calvin.
Look how rough they are from working in that shop all day.
And now, wouldn't it be nice for your wife if you came home with soft, smooth hands, instead of these dry-ass catcher's mitts? Yeah.
- Yeah, you ain't lying about that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, the last time I gave Tina a back rub, she did say it felt like I was scraping her - with two burnt pieces of toast.
- Oh! Yeah, exactly.
Come on.
Well, you come over here and sit down and relax - All right.
All right.
- while we take care of you.
All right now.
Remember, this is for Tina, all right? - Mm.
- Oh.
Oh! Ooh, that feels nice.
That's nice.
Now, uh, don't be afraid to get up on the neck.
- Yeah.
Again, for Tina.
- For Tina.
So, how's our fake account coming along? Great.
Our name is Stacey, and I just found the perfect picture for our profile.
Whoa! Whoa.
I don't mean to objectify us, but damn, we are stacked.
Ooh! Okay, so, uh, now we can look up Malcolm and Marty and see what's going on? Yeah, I'll just set the age range - to 26 to 32.
- Mm-hmm.
And say we're looking for someone within a mile radius.
Good idea.
With those boobs, I don't think Stacey can walk very far without tipping over.
Oh, here's Marty.
Let's see.
Oh, no, no, no! Why would he pick this photo? He's wearing a Star Trek uniform! Yeah, he is boldly going where no woman will ever go.
And he's got a quote from The Hobbit.
What's it say? I don't know.
It's in some made-up language.
But I'm pretty sure it translates - into "I ain't getting no grandbabies.
" - Oh.
Now, hold on.
Hold on.
This picture's cute.
Let me see.
Oh, yeah.
- This one's much better.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna like it.
- No, no, no! Tina, don't do that.
What? I just pressed the heart so he knows that someone thinks it's cute.
Yeah, but now he's gonna get a notification that "Stacey" is interested in him.
Okay, I'll just undo it before he notices.
I mean, it's not like Marty's sitting by the phone, waiting for somebody Oh, my God.
My little baby just said "Sup?" Calvin? Calvin! Tina, let me rest, baby.
I'm not a machine.
No, Calvin, it's us.
We're done.
Oh, wow.
I was out cold.
I had no idea a manicure could be so relaxing.
You know what? Not only are y'all getting tune-ups, you're getting free air fresheners for life.
Well, we're so glad you enjoyed it.
Yeah, me, too.
Thanks a lot, ladies.
What the hell did y'all do to me?! You turned me into RuPaul Scissorhands! You're damn right, we did! Now your ugly face won't be the first thing people notice.
Ha! Smile.
- Delete that.
- No way.
I'm gonna blow that up and use it to scare crows off my lawn.
You know what? I knew I should have never trusted y'all.
I don't know who y'all think y'all playing with, but payback is coming, and you can believe that.
That's on everything.
That's One of y'all get over here and open this door.
Ooh, good.
You're back.
How'd it go with the Pink Ladies? I'll give you ten guesses.
Oh, my God.
Why would you let them do that to you? I didn't let them.
They Well, hang on, hang on.
Don't tell me.
I've got nine more guesses.
Look, they tricked me into thinking that we made up and then put me to sleep with a massage.
When I woke up, I looked like one of the Real Housewives.
I can't believe they would do that to you.
Well, th-this is what I get for listening to you.
"Take the high road, be the bigger man, don't hit them with a car.
" Well, we cannot let them get away with this.
We've got to come up with a plan to get them back.
Y-You damn right, we do.
Now come on, man.
Help me get these stupid nails off.
Yeah, you got it.
Uh, but first, I have this itchy spot right in the middle of my back.
It's right there.
If you could just If you could help me out.
I came over to find out how Stacey ended it with Marty.
Oh, well, that's the funny thing.
She didn't.
You're still messaging him? Why? Because he keeps messaging me.
We spent all morning talking about Harry Potter and how I'm something called a Ravenclaw.
You're a Ravenclaw? You are so lucky.
I'm a total Hufflepuff.
Gemma, what am I supposed to do?! Well, first off, you should stop answering him.
I can't.
Then he'll think Stacey rejected him.
It'd kill his self-confidence.
Come on, give Marty more credit.
I'm sure he messages with girls on this app all the time.
Plus, he's only known Stacey for half a day.
She can't mean that much to him.
I'm telling you, Malcolm, this Stacey girl is special.
Oh, come on, Marty.
You said the same thing last week about the barista at Starbucks, and she wrote your name as "Martha" on the cup.
Well, well, this is different.
Stacey is Stacey's smart.
She's interesting.
She-She's dope, man.
Check her out.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
That's Mama.
What?! No, no.
No way.
No Why would you think that? Think about it, Marty.
Either a superhot girl wants to talk to you about Harry Potter, or it's Mama snooping around your love life.
Well I mean, you don't know that.
Maybe Maybe Maybe as a teenager, Stacey was so embarrassed about her overdeveloped body, so-so so she-she stayed inside, just reading and Aw, damn! I said "sup" to my mama.
Uh, what about this? We call the health inspector and get their beauty licenses taken away.
Nah, we can't do that to Que.
Legally, he's only licensed to groom dogs.
Well, we got to do something.
I mean, we can't just let those girls get away with being so mean to you.
Wait a minute.
That's it.
- Mean Girls.
- What? In the movie Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan takes down the bullies in her school by turning them against each other.
That's what we need to do to the Pink Ladies.
Yeah, o-on second thought, let's round up some stray dogs and call the health inspector.
Calvin, I'm serious.
All we have to do is dig up some dirt about one of them that the other doesn't know about and expose it for the world to see.
Oh, my God.
I could've been the queen of the mean girls! You know, I think I got something.
I'm not exactly proud of it, but Okay, well, what is it? Back in high school, LaTonya had a huge crush on me because, well, - obviously, you know - Well, yeah.
Come on.
But one weekend, when she was out of town, Regina swooped in and asked me on a date.
Regina tried to sneak and freak? You damn right she did.
And she begged me not to tell LaTonya.
Now, you think that's the kind of dirt that'll cause them to turn against each other? Are you kidding me? Is Mean Girls better than Never Been Kissed? The answer is yes, by a long shot.
Mama, you and I need to talk about something right now.
Okay, Marty, I can explain.
- I never meant to - I am in love! - What? - That's right.
Her name is Stacey, we met online, and I swear, Mama, I think she's my soul mate.
How could you say that? You've only known her one day.
Or more than that.
I don't know.
How would I know that? No, I know.
I know it seems fast, but I I've never felt so connected to anyone before, which is why I want you to be the first to know.
I'm gonna propose.
Propose? Marty, that is insane.
Ah, yeah.
Well, so was selling my car to buy a diamond ring, but love makes you do crazy things.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Marty, I've got something to tell you.
- What? - I'm Stacey.
- What?! You're Stacey? - Yes.
I bought a ring for you?! - Yes.
- And I have been messing with you since the moment I walked through the door? Yes.
Wait, what? That's right! I know all about it.
And I take it back.
You're no Ravenclaw.
You're a Slytherin through and through! I am sorry, baby.
I-I just wanted to see your profile so I could figure out why you weren't dating more.
And before I knew it, you were dating me.
I can't believe you would do this to me.
It's just that Dave and Gemma started talking about having a baby, and all I could think about is how much I wanted grandkids.
Yeah, but that's never gonna happen unless you let me do my thing and meet a girl who likes me for who I am.
Hey, I know, but come on.
Star Trek uniforms and Hobbit quotes? Mama, that's who I am.
And anyone who doesn't like it doesn't deserve me.
You're right.
And I'm sorry.
And from now on, I will stay out of it.
Thank you.
- All right.
- Okay, baby.
Mwah! Oh.
Ooh, sounds like you got another match.
Oh, wow.
And she's pretty.
And she says she's into sci-fi, video games and graphic novels! - Let me see.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, that's Malcolm.
What everybody laughing about? What's going on? What's What's funny? Ah, no one said they wanted nails like yours, but everyone wants copies of the picture! I put mine on a coffee mug.
Oh, yeah? Well, you may want to put it down and grab a broom, because Calvin is about to spill the beans.
That's right, LaTonya.
You remember back in high school, when everybody knew you had a crush on me? Well, your girl Regina here went behind your back - and asked me out on a date.
- What? Regina, why'd you do that to me? Okay, listen, girl, don't hate me, LaTonya.
I can explain.
Girl, wait, I already did.
30 years ago.
Wait-wait a minute, you-you knew? Oh, that you took Regina roller-skating and spent the whole night falling on your ass? You looked like a baby giraffe - walking around in high heels.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh! Whoa.
Whoa! Whoa! Okay, everybody be quiet! I got something to say.
You two been making fun of me for way too long.
And I pretended that it didn't bother me, but the truth is your words hurt.
Probably not as much as falling on your butt did.
Let the man finish! I mean, do you guys know how hard it was for me to come in here and try to make peace with you? After all the mean things that you said about me.
I extended an olive branch, and all you did was try to make me look small.
When the truth is you're the ones who are small.
'Cause bullying and name-calling, that's just tearing people down, when what we should be doing is lifting each other up.
But maybe that's just me.
Nah, I feel you, Calvin.
My father used to make fun of me because of my dream.
Because of him, I gave up ballet.
The kids at school used to make fun of my Nikes.
Talking about the logo was upside down.
They used to call me "Off-Brand.
" See that, Calvin? It looks like you're not the only one who I still sleep with a blankie.
What are y'all looking at? Trey want to wear a tutu.
And that's okay.
Because we all have vulnerabilities.
But it's not cool for y'all to make fun of 'em.
What the hell is wrong with y'all?! Is this a barbershop or an ice cream parlor? 'Cause all you guys are soft-serve.
Oh, that's it.
I want you out of here.
Trey, get the door.
My pleasure.
Know what? Fine.
Let's get out of here, Regina.
I'm right behind you, LaTonya.
Out of my way, Off-Brand! Calvin, that was amazing.
I can't believe how vulnerable you were.
What I can't believe is that they actually went for it.
Went for what? I made up all that touchy-feely stuff to turn the room against them.
I got the idea from Lindsay Lohan.
Remember when she does the sappy speech - at the end of Mean Girls? - Yeah.
You saw it? Oh, a bunch of times.
And you were right.
Way better than Never Been Kissed.
Hey, yo, Malcolm, check this out.
I just got messaged by this superhot girl who claims to be an engineer, is into Dungeons and Dragons and collects action figures.
- What? Let me see.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow, she is fine.
- I know.
- Yeah, that's Dad.
- Yeah, that's Dad.
Ha, ha, ha.
Not interested.
Get a life, loser.
I thought he was my soul mate.

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