The Neighborhood (2018) s06e07 Episode Script

1
PROTESTERS (CHANTING):
Not all right, not okay!
We don't have no teachers'
aides! Not all right
Not to be that guy,
but should we really be doing
non-grammatical chants?
Thank you for your input, Scott.
How about this?
Not all right, not okay.
We have a complete lack
of teachers' aides.
Not all right, not okay
Thank you.
(CHANTING CONTINUING) Not all right
I'm going inside. I got to pee.
Ah-ah-ah, no, no, no, no!
You can't pee across the picket line.
If you got to go, go to the
gas station up the street.
But you got to buy something,
so get me some coffee.
That-that is all the way
down on Lake Avenue.
Well, that is wonderful, girl.
Get your steps in!
Not all right, not okay!
We don't have no teachers' aides!
Don't worry, Mr. Schaefer.
Yes, the faculty has been
on strike for two days,
but the school is still open.
And I'm happy to report
we've got substitutes for every class.
No, I said "substitutes."
Why would I say we had prostitutes?
- (MOUTHING)
- PROTESTERS: We don't have no teacher's aides!
Is she on the phone?
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
We don't care you're on the phone!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
We don't care you're on the phone!
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
(WHIRRING LOUDLY)
Um, Dave?
Dave. David.
Yeah?
Let me explain the science
of the leaf blower to you.
You're supposed to blow
the leaves off your lawn,
not back all over your lawn.
Yeah, well, I already did that.
But then they were all in a neat pile,
and I was gonna have to go back inside
and Gemma is not a pleasure right now.
And when I told her to calm
down, she told me to
(WHIRRING)
(BLOWER STOPS)
Damn. Gemma said that?
Yeah. It's bad.
I've never seen her this upset.
Usually, when she's mad,
Tina helps her through it,
but now Tina is the reason she's mad.
Yeah, yeah, Tina is upset
with Gemma, too.
You know that five-piece china set
that Gemma got us for our anniversary?
Is it now a three-piece china set?
Or a 75-piece china set,
depending on how you look at it.
Oh, Dave.
I don't know why you're
bothering with that leaf blower.
Your wife blows hot air all day long.
Tina, Tina, come on.
Hey, Dave, can you Oh.
I'm going back inside.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm going back inside.
Fine, I'll stay and you go inside.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, Gemma,
you don't tell me what to do.
Well, then fine, stay
out here, backstabber.
Okay, you know what, Gemma?
- What?
- You can kiss my
(WHIRRING)
- (BLOWER STOPS)
- Rot in hell!
- And your mama!
- Oh!
(DOORS SLAM)
Dave, this is way bigger than leaves.
We might have to relandscape out here.
Maybe put in a pool.
Nope. Nope.
What are you doing?
Just getting rid of some books, man.
These all remind me of Janelle.
Oh, come on, big bro.
I know breakups are hard.
But enough already.
You threw out all the Cap'n Crunch.
She loved Cap'n Crunch.
I love Cap'n Crunch.
That's why I bought the Cap'n Crunch.
Look, man, I-I don't get it.
When you two were together,
you didn't seem that serious.
Now that she's gone,
you can't live without her.
That's how true love works, Marty.
So, what, you're just gonna
throw all these books away?
No, man, I'm gonna put 'em
in Dave's little library.
Really? The Secrets to
Pleasing a Black Woman?
Maybe not this one.
Mm. Mm.
Okay.
- Oh, my God, okay, here we go.
- What?
Let me guess, Marty
you got a tickle in your throat,
you went on WebMD and now
you think you have scurvy.
No. I eliminated scurvy
by eating three oranges.
So, clearly, this is
something much worse.
Marty, I brought you some zinc.
Oh, no, stay back. Stay back!
Where are my N-95 masks?
Malcolm!
Oh, let me guess
they reminded you of Janelle.
She liked to wear the pink ones.
It's just a cold, Marty.
This isn't Game of Thrones.
You don't have greyscale.
We're not gonna exile you
to the ruins of Valyria
with the other stone men.
You know nothin', Jon Snow.
Oh, you better get used
to this, Courtney.
Marty is very bad at being sick.
You know, when he was nine,
he had his tonsils out
and he wrote a will.
- What did he leave you?
- Nothing.
He left everything to the
American Tonsil Society.
Which does not exist.
It should.
Well, you'd better rally.
We have our baby safety class tomorrow.
Oh, no, no, no, I-I can't do that.
As sick as I am, I can barely
lift up my own head.
Let alone a rubber baby.
Plus, it'd be irresponsible,
exposing all those fetuses
to my pestilence.
It's for mothers and fathers.
I don't want to go there looking
like my baby doesn't have a father.
- Malcolm can go.
- You don't know what Malcolm can do.
- Do you have plans?
- You know I don't.
Okay, so, tomorrow, you the daddy.
Hey, Tina,
- I was just talking to Dave
- Traitor.
Well, Dave was talking to me.
You know, "Yap, yap, yap, yap."
But then I heard him say
that Gemma realizes that she was wrong.
So, Tina Butler actually
said she was wrong?
I couldn't believe it myself.
But that's what Calvin told me.
So, why didn't she tell me herself?
She was afraid of how you would react.
What, to being told I'm right?
Yes, she realizes you were right.
She wants to get together for
dinner to work things out.
Okay. Well, I guess
the right thing to do
would be to let her apologize.
Well, I guess I could
listen to her apology.
Great. You know what,
we'll do it here over dinner.
Okay.
But I'm not cooking.
Of course not.
So, Tina's cooking?
She insisted.
Okay, good.
I'm mad at her, but I'm
not mad at her short ribs.
No. Yeah.
All right. Here we go.
- Jump in.
- This is pad thai.
Better than short ribs, don't you think?
No.
Well, when you're done
insulting the food,
maybe there's something
you want to say to me?
I want to accept something
after you say something to me.
- What kind of apology is this?
- (WEAK CHUCKLE)
Why would I have an apology?
DAVE: Well, this is healthy.
The word "apology" is
being thrown around a lot.
TINA: Gemma?
This strike is not going to end
until we have teachers' aides.
But you keep ignoring the issue.
I am not ignoring it.
It's just, sometimes tough
decisions have to be made.
Calvin, do you hear this craziness?
CALVIN: (SHORT CHUCKLE)
Crazy. Yes. (STAMMERS)
But, in all fairness,
it is tough when you're
in charge of the budget.
I have to deal with that all
the time at the Fusebox.
Okay, okay. So, at the Fusebox,
do you make your software
engineers run the bake sale?
CALVIN: Well, actually,
- it's not like th
- DAVE: Well, you know, uh,
Tina does make some reasonable points.
- What?!
- DAVE: I'm just saying,
you hire an employee to do a job,
not every job.
Exactly.
I should not be coaching kickball
during my lunch break.
I mean, my high heels keep
punching through the Astroturf.
CALVIN: I get that, but sometimes,
when you're in management,
you have to ask your team
to go the extra mile
for the good of the business.
Thank you, Calvin.
But any organization's
most valuable resource
is the people in the trenches.
Damn it, Dave! Give me some.
Okay
Dave, the whole point of this
was that you were to agree with me.
No, we just agreed to agree.
I never agreed to agree with you.
I can't believe you're on Tina's side.
That's because Dave
has empathy for people.
He doesn't work them till their
fingers bleed like you and Calvin.
- Okay.
- CALVIN: Uh, listen, okay, all right.
Uh, Gemma and I just understand
what it is to be management, all right?
You just have to look
at the bigger picture.
Exactly. Calvin and I
are big-picture people.
You hear this, Dave?
I guess we're just
little-ass picture people.
I ain't got no time for this!
You know what?
I ain't got no time for this, either.
Solidarity forever.
Well, Calvin, I guess I better go, too.
No, no, no, Gemma, stay.
All right? It's not our
fault that some people
don't understand business, all right?
We deserve this satay.
Here, here, come on.
Yes. With extra peanut sauce.
- That's right, sauce me up.
- Yep.
TINA: Calvin, you better sauce
your ass in this room!
You might want to take that to go.
- Yeah.
- Get on out of here.
Oh, God.
Dave, what are you doing?
Serenading you, because
you're mad at me.
It's not working.
Well, so you say,
but you can never resist
my "ooh-koo-lay-lay."
Say "ukulele" like everyone else.
That's not how they
say it in "Ooh-vah-ee."
I just wish you could understand
how much stress I'm under right now.
Come on, Mom, I don't want
to be late for school.
Uh, my new science teacher is awesome.
That's great.
See? Grover loves the substitutes.
Tell your little comrade Tina
to strike all she wants.
We're still learning at my school.
It is so cool. I've learned
so much about astrology.
- You mean astronomy.
- Wh
No way. Astronomy is pseudoscience.
It completely ignores how
the alignment of planets
predicts our future love lives.
- You still want me to talk to Tina?
- Don't you dare.
(COUGHING)
Mommy, chicken soup is
not a cure for anything.
It's just salt and fat and
little bits of carrots.
And love.
Okay, fine, it-it's got love in it, too,
but still, I'm following the science.
I got a vaporizer,
an atomizer, a nebulizer.
You want science, just put some
Vicks VapoRub on your feet.
How is that science?
You put the Vicks on your feet,
you put on some socks,
the Vicks sucks all the
cold out of your body,
through your feet, and into the socks.
But, Mommy
Marty, please, stop wasting my time.
I've already been
fighting my best friend.
I am not about to fight you.
I just don't want to get my baby sick.
(GUFFAWS)
The baby is gonna make you sick.
- What?
- Oh, okay, Marty.
The baby's gonna bring every germ
in the world into your house.
When the baby comes home
from day care, coughing,
it's gonna have snot caked
all over its little face,
and then (FAKE SNEEZES)
Oh!
sneeze right into your mouth.
- No.
- Yes.
And you're gonna have
to take care of the kid.
So you better get used to
being sick all the damn time.
So. Put your big boy pants on,
put your Vapo-socks on
and get ready to power
through it, Daddy.
Okay. Okay, all right, I can do this.
Yes, you can. You sure can.
- Yeah.
- But you know what, when I heard
my little baby boy was sick,
I dropped everything, ran
home and started cooking.
Now open your mouth
and put some soup in it.
Connor, Graycen, nice
to have you, welcome.
Next.
I'm Jordan. This is my husband Jay.
And we're at, oh, my God, 32 weeks.
Well, okay, you're getting close. Next.
- Hi, I'm Courtney.
- I'm Malcolm.
And how far along are you two?
Oh, no, we are not a two. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, so you're not married,
but you're gonna be an involved dad?
Oh, no, I am not involved at all.
In fact, I'm not involved
with, uh, with anyone.
He's my baby's father's brother.
Same DNA, no smashing.
You know, I was involved,
uh, with someone,
until very, very recently,
but, uh, yeah, I
I threw that all away.
(LAUGHS)
Like a fool.
Aw, don't beat yourself up.
Yeah, it was all my fault.
But-but I'm trying, you know.
I'm trying to make myself a,
uh, a better man. (CHUCKLES)
And I'm trying to keep my baby alive.
So, can we get back to that part?
Yes. Right.
Okay, uh, everybody, pick up your babies
and let's practice cradling them.
Yeah. Let's
Uncle Malcolm, you don't
pick them up by the leg.
Can we get another baby?
Or some duct tape?
Hey, Calvin. Tina's still mad, I see.
Eh. How'd you know?
You always work on your
truck when she's mad.
Like on her birthday, when you
got her NFL Sunday Ticket.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I worked on this truck
for a month after that one.
You know, I like being back
under the hood, though.
It's my happy place.
- (CRACKLING)
- Aah! Come on, you stupid cord.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
I had to teach six classes today.
I haven't taught a class
since we moved here.
The kids were screaming and talking back
and they have no attention span at all.
Kind of forgot how hard teaching is.
Yeah, that's what Tina says.
But I also forgot how much I love it.
She says that, too.
- She does?
- Yeah.
Of course she does.
(SIGHS) How did I let it get this far?
I don't know. You guys
have a very stressful job.
'Cause, personally,
I don't like other people's kids.
What about Grover?
I'm talking about other people
that's not on this block.
Now it's so clear to me.
I was falling in love.
But that scared me so badly
that I pushed her away.
And now, everywhere I go,
everything I do it haunts me.
The thought of what could have been.
BOTH: Oh
Oh, brother.
You have to forgive yourself.
You know, I'm trying, Lorraine.
But I got a long way to go.
You'll get there. I know you will.
Thank you.
The syllabus said we would
get to CPR by now, so
You're a good guy, Malcolm.
And, trust me, someday,
a great woman is going
to see all of that.
I mean, who knows, maybe she
knows everything about babies,
but doesn't have any herself.
Yet.
I hope she's out there.
She's closer than you can imagine.
I'm just saying, because we
only have 20 minutes left
and I think you skipped
over a lot of stuff.
This isn't about you.
- (KNOCKING)
- (MUTTERS)
(SIGHS)
Hi, Tina.
Gemma.
I have something I need to say to you.
I'm not happy about the strike,
but believe me, I understand
that teaching is hard
and I hate that I somehow became
a pencil-necked bureaucrat.
- Did you say you understand?
- Yes.
I guess I just lost sight
- of what's really imp
- I love you, too.
- This is so dumb!
- This is crazy!
- You're my best friend!
- I'm sorry!
- I love you!
- I missed you so much!
I'm gonna make this right.
I am gonna get the teachers
the support they deserve.
A-And that means taking a stand
with the board of trustees.
And I may get fired
Uh, what?!
I wish they would.
Let them try to fire you.
You thought that strike was bad?
We'll burn that place to the ground.
Okay. Okay, easy now.
That strike has really
got you worked up.
But I'm glad to know you have my back.
Always.
Now
- You want to get drunk?
- Yes, please.
Look at you up and around.
Yup. I'm a new man.
I smell Vicks.
Did Mama do your feet?
Yeah.
My chest, too.
But she also gave me some tough love,
like being a parent is
a 24 hour a day job.
I-I won't be able to handle
it if I act like a baby,
so that might be my last chest rub.
No, it's time.
It's been time for 20 years.
You guys, Calvin killed it
at the ring toss booth.
I told you, it's all in the wrist.
And now I'm bringing home the gold.
Dad, what are you gonna
do with that goldfish?
I don't know.
Just don't feel right
throwing it in the trash.
Sorry, buddy,
- you are stuck with that thing.
- Yeah.
Oh, here you go, Grover.
Oh.
Thanks, Mr. Calvin.
Uh, Dad, we need a fish tank.
- Yeah, we do.
- Yup.
Oh, so how'd the teacher
strike get settled?
Oh, well, once Gemma and the
teachers were on the same side,
board didn't stand a chance.
Yeah, my girl Gemma gave
us everything we wanted.
Hell, I'm just glad all of the teachers
are cool with Gemma again.
- Eh.
- Eh.
Ooh, I'm scared.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(LAUGHS)
Is that all you got, Ryan?
Come on, nobody in a bow tie
can take me down. (LAUGHS)
You're mean.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- All right. Go!
CALVIN: That's what I'm talking about.
Hope you can swim, blondie.
Ooh, ooh!
Ooh!
Oh. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(LAUGHS)
Come on. Is there nobody here
who can take down the principal?
- All right, come on.
- GEMMA: Oh, Tina?
Please. Don't bring that
weak sauce to my tank.
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
(GASPS)
Oh, no.
Bye, neighbor.
(WHIMPERS)
(SCREAMS)
(CHEERING)