The Neighborhood (2018) s07e05 Episode Script

1
♪
Aw, look at that.
Such a good pop-pop.
You want to give her back to me now?
Mm, I can't.
Oh, I know, she's so sweet.
No, no, I
I can't move my arms or my legs.
Every part of me is asleep.
I've been sitting here for
Well, I'd tell you,
but I can't turn my head
to look at my watch.
You want me to crack your neck?
- No, don't touch me that much
- I'm just gonna get back here
[NECK CRACKS] Don't, don't oh!
Oh! Oh!
Whew! Oh!
Oh, that was okay right there.
Where'd you learn to do that?
TikTok.
I wasn't actually sure
if it would work.
Ooh, wait a min Okay.
Yeah, I'm starting to feel
a little life in my foot
right there, that's good.
All right.
Well,
Malcolm is outside in the car,
bidding a fond adieu to Museum Girl.
I mean fond, I'm talking
[MOANING]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
[DEEP VOICE]: Museum Girl.
[MOANING]
Ooh, ooh, Malcolm! [GIGGLING]
Ooh!
Ooh.
Uh, would you like some time
to be alone with yourself?
I'd like to be dead. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, so, uh
who's Museum Girl?
Oh, it's this new woman
Malcolm's been seeing,
but he's being
super secretive about it.
He won't even tell us her name.
Yeah. But we do know
he met her at a museum.
Hence the sobriquet.
Uh, say what now?
Moniker.
Nickname.
Oh, okay.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, if we know Malcolm,
her nickname should be "gone soon."
[CHUCKLING]
What does that mean?
Well, you see, Courtney,
whenever Malcolm starts
to date someone seriously,
he always comes up with a reason
to break up with her.
You know, "Dad, she's great,
but she blinks too much."
There is always a "but."
Oh, one time,
the "but" was a flat butt.
Which actually made sense
That did make sense,
it made a lot of sense.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Oh!
Hi, Malcolm.
Nice try, Courtney.
I saw you spying on us.
I'm sorry.
If it makes it any better,
I didn't see her face.
'Cause your mouth was all over it.
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you keeping her
a secret, Malcolm?
Is she ugly?
Is she missing a side tooth?
She is beautiful, damn it, okay?
Her name is Angela,
and we get along great.
She is smart, she is funny
BOTH: But
There is no "but."
Okay, okay, okay, is there a "though"?
Or a "however," or
"having said that"?
That was the old me.
But I have never dated
anyone like Angela.
She is amazing.
Look, check this out: We just went
to the Goya exhibit
at the Norton Simon,
and she knew more than the tour guide.
Well, that's good, man.
You know what? I'm happy for you.
Thank you, Pop.
Yeah, your mom is going
to be thrilled.
- Oh, no, no.
- No, no. No, no, no, no.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
As soon as she finds out,
she'll want to meet her,
she'll make a big fuss.
She will scare her off.
Yeah, she does tend to go overboard.
Overboard?
She starts underwater.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Yeah, she can get
a little crazy, right?
Hey, keep my mother's name
out of your mouth!
I don't know who you think you are.
I don't know who you think you are,
but that's a no up in here.
- My bad.
- You don't talk about Tina.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
I got to say, Marty,
you did a nice job getting
Daphne dressed this morning.
She's even got
the right kind of diaper on.
You may also notice
it is not on backwards.
Or sideways.
I still don't know
how he managed to do that.
Those diapers had
a very counterintuitive design!
Hey.
MARTY: Ooh!
Divine, simply divine.
- Oh, that's beautiful, babe.
- Yeah, that's the one, Mama.
I don't know,
it's for Daphne's christening.
You know, I want something that says,
"I'm the grandmother, but I can still
read without my glasses."
But you can't though.
I know, Calvin, that's why
I want the dress to say it.
- Hey, hey, everybody.
- MARTY: Oh, hey, Malcolm.
Amazon for Mama.
Please tell me
that's not more dresses.
No, it's not dresses.
It's the baby stuff that
I subscribe to on Amazon.
Because Marty doesn't know
what he's doing.
Like when he bought
the sideways diapers.
Hey, guys.
MARTY: Oh, hey, Gemma.
He's mad about the evite.
I'm not mad.
I'm just disappointed.
Uh, I didn't get an evite.
Uh, yes, you did get an evite,
you did.
You see, the funny thing
about an evite is
it tells you when someone opens it.
And you all opened it.
- Oh, oh, that-that evite.
- Yeah, right.
- That one.
- Yes.
He's very excited for his party,
because it has kombucha
and bocce ball.
Or as we like to call them,
"Booch and Botch."
All right, you know what, Dave?
We'll come, uh, we'll all come.
- Okay.
- All right?
[CLEARS THROAT] Ooh!
I say yes to that dress.
Oh, I love it.
It's perfect.
Oh, yeah, perf. Totes perf.
No, I-I don't know, don't you think
it's a little flashy
for a christening?
Excuse me?
Uh, Gemma, a little help here?
Mm-mm. Don't put me in this.
Why do you hate it?
Or is it that you hate your mother?
Do you not want me to come?
Is this how you disinvite me?!
Malcolm has a serious girlfriend!
What?!
CALVIN: Oh, wow.
Marty, that's cold.
We are no longer brothers.
Malcolm, is that true?
Mama, Mama, look,
just calm down, okay?
It's only been a month.
Ooh, let's set up a dinner!
What does she like to eat?
Does she have any allergies?
You know what, I can just call her.
DAVE: Tina, I got it.
The Booch and Botch party
tomorrow night.
You know what, Malcolm,
I'm gonna put you down for a plus-one.
Oh, perfect!
Thank you, Dave.
This is so exciting. Okay.
Two more dresses.
[LAUGHING]
- Hey, Marty?
- Yeah?
- Run.
- Okay. [SHOUTS]
DAVE: Ooh, great shot.
You know, Dave,
I don't get this kombucha.
There's no alcohol in it?
It-it just tastes bad?
Dave, mine is great.
Well, I'm glad
some people appreciate it.
I poured mine out. This is pinot.
- Hook a brother up.
- Okay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
They just pulled up, and guess what?
Angela is really great
at parallel parking.
Hey, everybody.
This is
Angela!
Ooh, oh, my goodness,
I love your outfit.
And your hair and that jewelry.
I just love you.
Aw, that's so nice.
Well, that's me. I'm nice.
You're gonna love me.
Uh, Pop?
Yeah, I got this. Uh, hey, uh
Um, nice to meet you.
I'm Malcolm's dad.
Tina, Tina, Tina, come on, babe, we
we need you to take it down a notch.
Calvin, Marty's about to see
his baby be christened, okay?
And I have yet to see either
of my babies married.
Let me speak this into existence.
You're about to speak her
back into the car.
I cannot tell you how excited
I am to finally meet you.
Ooh! I know what we can to do.
My other son Marty has
the cutest little baby.
Marty!
Wave to Angela.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I don't know
if Malcolm told you,
but she's gonna be christened Sunday.
We would love for you to come.
I would love that.
I've never been to a christening.
Oh, it's so fun.
Oh, and you're gonna love my outfit.
It's a little bit of Gayle King,
with a splash of Olivia Pope,
and a hint of "Housewife Reunion."
Atlanta not Potomac.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, I'm not familiar.
Oh, you know.
The most stylish Black women on TV.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't have a TV.
What?
It's such a time suck.
Empty calories for the mind, you know?
Oh, well
I don't watch that much TV anyway.
[LAUGHING]
- I'm really more of a book girl.
- Ooh.
My grandma always called
TV the "idiot box."
I love your top.
Thank you.
I go thrifting, too.
- That's your little one?
- Mm-hmm.
So precious!
Yeah, that's my baby girl.
And in her little princess onesie.
Smart, better she know now
she'll be living in a
patriarchy her whole life.
Wow, a principal at a private school?
My seventh year.
I hope you don't listen
when people say
you're just perpetuating
a two-tiered educational system.
I'm not saying kombucha
doesn't improve gut health.
I'm just asking,
who wants us to believe that?
The people who've made it
their life's work
to study stomach microbiomes?
I'm just saying
follow the money.
Hey, I hate to interrupt you two,
but I come bearing kombucha.
Thanks.
Your friend Dave has been
telling me all about it.
Oh, well, I have come to save you.
Save her?
You sure I can't help you clean up?
Oh, no, we got this. Thanks.
All right, well, it was
so nice to meet you all.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, y'all.
Ain't she great?
I love the way she just says
whatever's on her mind.
[CHUCKLES]
Her fearlessness is just so inspiring.
Yeah, I see all your teeth, man.
- That's a good sign.
- She's pretty.
CALVIN: Okay.
You know what? Good for Malcolm.
You know, not long ago,
he would have been searching for
something wrong with that lady.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, Angela's great.
Yeah. So great.
ALL: Yeah.
- Really, really great.
- Yeah.
But is she great?
CALVIN: Ooh.
DAVE: Uh, guys,
uh
she sucks.
Dave! Ugh.
Dave.
You shouldn't say that.
You can think that
I was thinking it
but you shouldn't say it.
Well, it had to be said.
She's a booch hater.
And she hates princesses.
She called my school "elitist."
- She said that?
- She didn't say it,
she said "people" say it,
but I know she's "people."
Yeah.
I knew there was something
wrong with that girl.
Who doesn't like TV?
You know what? I'm taking
her off the evite list.
CALVIN: Yeah. That's it.
Oh, boy.
What did you do?
I invited her to Daphne's christening.
Oh, God, no!
I know. What was I thinking?
GEMMA: Well,
maybe Angela's not that bad.
Maybe she was just nervous.
There's a lot of us and one of her.
Yeah and, look, and Malcolm's smart.
You know? I'm sure he sees
something that we don't see.
You know, great qualities
underneath all the
terrible qualities that we've seen.
Yeah. Everybody has good and bad.
With every relationship,
you have to put up
with little annoyances
about your partner.
God knows we have them.
Yeah.
"We"
meaning "us"?
No.
♪
Okay what exactly
about me annoys you?
I shouldn't have said "annoying."
Uh, but you did.
So, please,
tell me what I do that annoys you.
And be specif.
That.
What?
Shortening words for no reason.
Just say "specific."
Yeah, but it saves time and it's cool.
You know what?
You're being totes ridic.
Oh.
I'm the one who sounds
totally ridiculous?
Oh. Oh, did you see that?
That right there
that just took forever.
♪
What is up, Calvin and Tina?
It is lovely to see you.
- Oh, come on, Dave.
- Oh.
I am surprised that
you do not like this.
[MOANS]
Uh, Dave, why are you
talking like that?
Oh, well, it was
brought to my attention
that I am known for truncating words
in a way that Gemma Johnson
finds unattractive.
Like when you said Daphne
- was "adorbs"?
- Mm.
That is correct.
So now I am only using full words
with Gemma Johnson
in the hopes of increasing my odds
of sexual intercourse.
Those odds are plummeting, David.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Oh, this is so nice.
TINA: Hi, Malcolm. Um
that's a new look.
Why the hell does my
son have on a purse?
I got him a man-bag.
His look needed some updating.
Boy, are your toes out in church?
Uh, yes, Pop.
Angela got me thinking when she asked,
"Why are we hiding our feet
from God? He made them."
Well, isn't Angela just
full of good questions?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, Angela's full of
Uh, Tina church.
Would you listen to them?
Makes me glad we're not a couple.
Don't worry,
we would never be a couple.
[CHUCKLES]
Boy, you hit that "never" pretty hard.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Why have we not started?
It is three of the clock.
[MOANS]
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh. We should take our seats.
[NASALLY]: We should take our seats.
[REGULAR]: I mean, how is she
gonna tell us when to sit
at our own grandbaby's christening?
Right? I mean, she got
some nerve, right?
We gonna sit down when we want to sit.
- Ain't nobody gonna tell us
- When we want to sit is when we sit.
- when we sit. Not a word.
- Nobody tell us when to sit.
- We should probably go sit, though.
- Yeah, we should sit.
Welcome, everyone,
to this most blessed occasion.
Will the parents of Daphne Luna
Pridgeon-Butler come up,
- along with the godparents?
- CALVIN: All right.
Oh, no.
Where does she think she going?
No Where does she think she
Angela.
Hello.[LAUGHS]
- What is Museum Girl doing up here?
- I am not responsible for her.
- She's here with your brother.
- She's just gonna accuse me
- of being part of the patriarchy!
- You better make her leave.
If we may begin?
We may.
Dearly beloved,
we gather today to welcome
a child of God into the fold.
This child has been born in baptism,
and she is now called a child of God.
And so, indeed she is.
The confirmation
My dear brothers and sisters,
let us ask our Lord
to look lovingly on this child
who is to baptized,
from her parents and godparents
and on all the baptized.
We look upon this baby
in wonder and love,
but now I ask you to
look at one another.
Because you all are examples
to this innocent soul.
Yes, we are.
This is the best day
of my life.[CHUCKLES]
MARVIN: And let her
remind us of the joy
we can feel when we look
past our petty differences
and rejoice in Your glory.
[MUTTERS] What?
Gemma, I'm so sorry I was a jerk.
Life is too short
and it's too precious.
Ugh, it's totes presh.
I'm sorry about the "never" thing.
Of all the people I could have
had an illegitimate baby with,
I'm glad I did it with you.
So am I.
Will all of you assembled
here promise to guide Daphne
to the path of righteousness,
purpose and prosperity?
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, sir. Yes, we will.
Hundo P.
♪
Okay, people, if we can
all gather over here?
Oh.
You got her, baby?
No. No.
Angela cannot be in this photo.
The photo that's gonna be
over our fireplace forever?
All right, let me think, let me think.
Okay, everybody!
Tall people in the back.
Angela, you stand
to the right over here.
Okay, here we go.
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Okay, everyone, look right here.
One, two, three.
Looks great.
Okay, we're gonna do another.
Okay, uh, g
well, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Uh, Angela?
- Yeah?
- Why don't we scooch you
- right back here?
- Okay.
Okay. One, two, three.
You have got to be kidding me.
- C-Can you give us a minute?
- Give us, give us a minute.
[LAUGHS]: Just give us a minute.
You know what? It is time
to rip the Band-Aid off.
- TINA: Yeah.
- Malcolm?
Can I talk to you for
a minute over here?
- Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, come on.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, sure thing. What's up, Pop?
Hey, look, uh, Malcolm, you know what?
Your mother and I, we are
very, very, very proud of you.
You have put in a lot
of good work on yourself,
and it's just great to see you
in a committed relationship, you know?
Oh. Thank you, Pop.
But what the hell are you doing?
Excuse me?
Look, I-I don't know how to put this
there's no other way to say it.
I can't sugarcoat it,
I can't salt-pinch it
it's just that we don't like Angela.
Really?
You Mm-mm.
Why?
I mean, it's just
everything that she says
and-and she does and
just pretty much her
whole personality.
Wow.
Look, I'm sorry, because I
know this is what you wanted,
that you really, really like her
No, I don't.
I mean, I thought I did at first,
but once I got to know her
Ooh, she is awful.
You know, I just thought it was
me finding excuses again, Pop.
I've been trying so hard to mature
and hang in there with Angela,
even though things aren't perfect.
You know, I just want
what you and Mama have.
And you'll have it, son.
With somebody else, though.
Anybody else.
Look ugh, Malcolm, I'm sorry,
I guess I'm partly responsible
why Angela is here.
Partly?
It's okay, Mama. [CHUCKLES]
- I guess I know what I got to do.
- All right?
Do it, and then get rid
of that damn scarf
so we can take this family picture.
I'm on it.
Hey, Angela? Hey.
Can we talk outside for a minute?
[CHUCKLES] Please.
Smells like mold in here.
Hold this. [CLEARS THROAT]
You know what?
I think I'm gonna go out there, too.
I just need to talk to Angela.
Just some things that I need to say
that I can't say in this damn church.
No, Tina. No, no, Tina, no.
No, no, no. Tina, don't you try. Hey.
I need a press.
I need a full press right here.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Moth [SCREAMS]
Ugh, get her.
- Get her!
- Put me down!