The Neighbors s01e04 Episode Script

Previously on "The Neighbours" These are the Weavers.
This is there new house.
And these are their new neighbours.
I'm Larry Bird, leader of this community and immediate neighbor to your west.
We're just living amidst golf cart-driving pie makers amidst golf cart driving pie makers with the names of professional athletes.
I'm sure there's an explanation for this.
We hope that you will consider staying.
We believe there's much we could learn from one another.
How the hell did you ear half a carton of ice cream on the drive home? Oh, there's a spoon on my keychain.
Marty.
Okay, there's no spoon.
I used the picture of the kids and I scooped the ice cream out while you were getting gas.
I'll get help.
Please don't leave me.
Go! Come on! Looking great, son.
Keep it up.
You can do it, Dick Butkus! Come on now.
Just another minute.
Max! Let him go! Three minutes that time, and I didn't even cry! Guys, what is happening here? Oh, Max told us that you asked him to prepare Dick for his first day of school.
- We're covering wedgies next.
- And then hate crimes.
Personally, I'm unclear as to why you're so sure Dick Butkus will be the target of ridicule.
My hair smells funny.
Educated guess.
Guys, school is tough.
I mean, it's like when you go to prison and you find the biggest guy and you beat him up to prove yourself, you know? - No.
- What's prison? School is opposite of that.
The toughest kid picks on the weakest kid almost immediately.
And you wonder the chinese are dominating you.
Don't worry.
Max will look out for Dick.
Won't you, Max? Yeah, I guess.
You won't leave his side.
Easy now.
Oh, it's so complicated Your schools, social structure.
It's overwhelming.
On our planet, we skip all this nonsense and educate our children by feeding them the brains of their elders.
- So you take the brain, actually - Please don't.
Don't.
Elder feeding is quick, and while brutal, it leaves us ample time to focus on nurturing our children.
Well, we've been parents on this planet for quite some time now, and between friends and school and t-ball, I mean, nurturing's great and everything, but Listen, we have three kids.
If two of them make it home alive at the end of the day, we're happy.
But don't worry.
If you listen to us, We'll get you through it all.
Listen to them? Pardon me for being skeptical, but look how they use this room, with all their towels and soaps and excrement bowls.
Come again? I'm sorry.
Uh, I'm confused.
You're confused? I've my head in there for the last 40 minutes.
No, I mean What do you guys do with your bathrooms? So let me get this straight You people keep plants in your bathrooms? It's true, Marty.
We grow gardens in the room next to our sleep chamber.
You keep a sewer there.
Yes, I guess we are the crazy ones.
You know, I can actually understand - Yeah.
- Yeah.
S01E04 Bathroom Etiquette First day of school.
Wait.
We still have three kids, right? I'm making lunch for Dick Butkus and Reggie Jackson.
Do you know how much cooler that would've sounded, like, a month ago? I don't want them outting themselves at school.
Alien-ting.
OutingLiening.
You sure you want to get involved here? because if there's one thing I know, It's that you don't tell other parents how to raise their kids.
You know, you're right.
Everything about what you just said to me is right.
It's just something about these neighbors.
They're a blank slate.
I get to teach them how to live.
It makes me feel like Oprah.
Does that make me Gayle or Stedman? Oh.
Can I be Gayle? She gets to go on all the trips.
Wife, what are you doing to my sink garden? We are living with humans now.
We must behave as they do.
They know more about these things than we do.
And they sure do like reminding us of it.
- Was that sarcasm, husband? - I don't know.
Was it? I really don't know.
It might have been irony.
Even the doorbell sounds bossy when they ring it.
Good morning, neighbors.
Here.
I know they don't eat, but I made them lunches.
Oh, actually, I already prepared them Hey, there's the man! How do I look? I feel so free.
Are these denim trousers sagging properly? Reggie Jackson, pull up your trousers.
We don't need to see your anuses.
And, Dick, tuck in your shirt.
No, no, Larry, the sloppier the clothes, the cooler the kid.
Okay.
How do we get to china? I'm serious now.
Dick, remember, if the kids are mean Oh, they're gonna be mean.
Ignore 'em.
They'll find a new target soon enough.
Understood.
Perhaps we should alert the commander of the school.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Jackie.
Calling attention to your kid only puts a bigger target on his back, On his tiny, frail - boneless? - Boneless.
Boneless back.
But don't you worry.
We will keep an eye on him.
You sure you don't want to get a quick haircut before we go? - Gentleman's high and tight? - Not necessary.
Thought I would try.
We are truly very grateful for your guidance, Weavers.
It really means a lot to us.
Now that was sarcasm.
Are you sure? No.
So many rules.
Is there anything more complicated than raising two school-age boys? Mom! I need you! Now! Honey? First day of school.
How we doing? I don't know how you're doing, But here's how I'm doing, mom.
- It's not that bad.
- It's volcanic, mother.
Okay, Amber, you're being a bit dramatic.
- Dramatic? - Yes.
- You want to see dramatic? - No.
Look at my face! Look at my zit, mom! This is dramatic! Thank you for all of the french fries, ma.
Learn to cook! She okay? Oh, you know, the usual.
Did I miss anything? Oh, you know, the usual.
Oh, my god.
What's on her face? I think I'm gonna be sick.
Do you want a closer look? - No.
- No? No? - You sure? You sure? - No.
Yep.
Reggie.
Come on.
We're getting the bus.
Reggie Jackson, we will walk you to school, and once there, give you an emotional parental send-off.
- No, no.
No.
No.
- No.
Oh, what now? Hit the road, Jack.
Yeah.
I don't mean to overstep, but I'm gonna drop a little "a-ha" moment.
Honey, you're not oprah.
Well, to them, I kinda am.
Will you just spit it out? Well, they're teenagers, so being seen around your parents is humiliating.
Humiliating? - Yeah.
- On our planet, children and parents are proud to show affection.
in fact, every year, there's a festival of hugs, followed by a carnival of compliments.
- It's awesome.
- Okay.
Great.
Honey I gotta get to work.
- Good luck today.
- Okay.
How will we survive without you? Husband, I think that was sarcasm.
- It felt right.
Thank you.
- Yes.
And you are sure these denim trousers don't look foolish? Because I have to keep them held up, otherwise they seem to Him.
What about him? Most popular dude.
He's the key.
I still got it.
Nice zit, freak show.
Oh, that was discouraging.
Well, at least you got a cool nickname.
Freak show! All right, let's go.
Let's go.
Move and groove.
Come on.
Fabulous! Just fabulous! Greetings, new friend.
I look forward to quenching our thirst for knowledge together.
Hi, guys.
How you doing? Hi.
I'm Miss Morton.
And who do we have here? Well, I got three for you today.
This is Max Weaver, third grade, Abby Weaver, first grade, And Dick Butkus, also third grade.
Larry, do you want to say good-bye? Larry! If you hadn't come into our lives, I'd be back in my bathroom right now with both my sons, trimming our respective bushes.
I've planned a love salute for my parents.
You'll love this.
It's what we do when we part from our children, even briefly.
It will involve gathering random schoolchildren and professing my love for my mother - Mom? - In traditional song form.
- Mom! - Not today, Dick.
You just go with Max, all right? "I love you so much, mother, that I wish I could overthrow father and love you as he does.
" And you shall.
All right, you can take them now.
But I want to profess my love of Dick.
No.
No more talking.
Please take them.
Just take them.
All right, come.
Come.
Come.
Come.
Super.
It's super fun.
Okay, welcome.
Welcome.
They're pulling everything we have out by the roots.
Buck up, guys.
Your son's gonna need you later.
Now listen to me.
This is what's about to go down.
Your little boy is going to walk into school and instantly become The newest, most unique boy there.
And because of that, he's going to get targeted as the weakest.
And when it all goes bad, when he comes home in tears, you're gonna have to pick up the pieces.
Look, I'm not the weakest boy in school.
He's new and strange, and I'm expressing dominance! Hey, guys, look.
The new kid just got beat up by the redheaded girl.
Well, this is a first.
I don't think I have ever had to call parents in on the first day of school within the first half-hour.
We're as surprised as you are, Principal Berger.
I'd imagine so.
It appears the Weavers don't know everything about everything after all.
Dick Butkus is the victim And Max Weaver the feeble one.
Max, what happened? I thought the two of you were friends.
I don't know, mom.
Everything just seems upside down right now.
Wait a minute.
Dick beat up Max? - I did.
- He sure did.
- Why? - So I would not be viewed as the weakest, thus tormented, wedgied, and hate-crimed.
And who told you that would happen? The small one.
We wanted to come to you, Principal, but we were told it would only make it worse for Dick and his boneless back.
Boneless? Who told you that? Oh, please.
Without our guidance, you would've sent them to school looking like Arnold Palmer.
What has Arnold Palmer ever done to you besides keep an eye on your house when you're away and pick up your mail? I'm sorry.
What is happening here? I'll tell you what's happening.
They've gotten everything wrong.
Let me ask you, Principal Is it proper that a boy be sent to school with his pants so low that you can see, not one, not two, but all three of his Larry! Anuses? I don't think I understand.
But I think I'm starting to.
Family, stand.
All week, you two have deemed us incompetent parents, but we are not incompetent parents, and my son's victory today proves just that.
No.
No.
This isn't a victory.
- Of course it is.
- Yeah, but I am giving him detention.
Thank you.
Just send it to our home, please.
They're british, so From England.
Okay, family, stand.
Come on.
Okay.
I've had a disturbing first day, Amber.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think the other students weren't interested in learning anything Hit the "mute" button, dude.
I'm thinking.
What are you thinking about? How I can impress "twilight" over there with Mount Vesuvius on my chin.
What did you do at your last school? I didn't do anything.
I just had to be myself.
Also, I started a rumor that I was in a celebrity relationship and I was being really cruel to my real friends In front of the popular kids.
I find you fascinating, Amber Weaver.
Mute.
- I really have to get back to work.
- No, I know.
All right, so go.
So we'll talk it with them when I get- yeah.
Hi, Jackie.
I have come to return these.
My husband and I do not want them near our toilet garden.
Okay.
As appreciative as we are for everything that you have taught us - Don't falter, wife.
- Go, Jackie! - You got this, Jackie.
- Bring it home, Jackie! We may do things differently, but we are not bad parents, despite what you may think, and I don't think you're bad parents.
- Lies! - She's judging you.
Make it rain, jackie.
Listen, Larry, If you're not gonna raise your kids by human rules, then we're gonna have to insist that our children don't spend time together.
Then I'll just go out and buy dick a punching bag.
He won't even realize Max is gone.
- What? - Huzzah! Our children are confident, smart, and strong, and I'm not afraid to say it, and they are not embarrassed to hear it.
And if my son's victory over your son today - proves anything at all - Okay, Jackie, you really have to stop referring to it as a victory.
And you really need to stop telling us that we're doing everything wrong.
Well, then you really need to stop doing everything wrong.
Enough! I refuse to be judged by a woman - who subscribes to "us weekly.
" - I don't! My daughter does.
And I'm the bad parent.
Shut up! You have to cheer for me sometimes.
I cheer for you.
I have your back.
You know that.
Greetings.
All right, new kid.
Initiation time.
Get off of me! Hey, Harry Potter's friend, You want to take a turn holding him down? I do not.
If you must dump a head in an excrement bowl, I insist it be mine.
I'm quite good at it.
It's possible I wasn't clear.
- Dick, help! - Shut up! Please! Stop! You're hurting him! Listen to me! I said stop! Oh, crap.
Well, we're breaking new ground here today.
Two incidents on the first day of school.
So Welcome back.
Well, it's good to be back.
- Marty.
- Sorry.
Great to be back.
My son has been called to the leader's lair twice.
It's a proud day indeed.
No.
Not a proud moment.
No.
Perhaps you'd like to say hello to the Newmans and the Butlers, Who have also been inconvenienced today.
Since Ricky and Adam Weren't speaking after the incident in question, I asked them to draw pictures of what happened.
Oh, the one on the left looks nothing like him.
We were just in the bathroom, and he came in and turned green.
I think he means green with envy.
No.
Just green.
They're lying.
Why do you lie? Oh, this is a waste of time.
My son was merely coming to the defense of his feeble friend.
Who he punched earlier in the day.
Only to display his dominance.
I fear I have no choice but to suspend Dick.
Oh, thank you.
He'll love that.
- Where will I be suspended from? - Not too high, I hope.
Seriously, what kind of parents act like this? And don't tell me they're british, because I've been there.
Wait.
You're saying we strike you as bad parents? Maybe this school is not a good fit for Dick.
I don't want to leave this school.
Please don't punish our son because of something we've done wrong.
I don't really have much of a choice.
Hold on.
Hold on.
We've known this family For quite some time.
Yeah, like, a whole month.
They are great parents.
- It's just that they're from another planet - Country.
Country.
Country.
And in trying to teach them how things work, Some stuff may have gotten lost in translation as much our fault as it is theirs.
You can say that again, sister.
It seems I've graduated from sarcasm to sass.
Dick, Max, Can we promise Principal Berger that an incident like this will never happen again? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Ricky? Adam? How about you two boys? I'm pretty sure Ricky and Adam won't be bothering us anytime soon.
Okay, there you have it.
Can I just take this portrait? Yeah, the good one, not the sloppy one.
Thank you.
Good day.
You broke my heart, Amber Weaver! What are you doing? Trust me.
And how do you repay my love? By having an affair with a major american celebrity! I gave her everything.
And all the while, she's having romantic trysts With television's Alan Alda! Who's Alan Alda? I read about him in your mother's "us weekly.
" Step one.
I've created you a fake celebrity relationship.
- Reggie, that's not how that works.
- Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
- New kid's weird, huh? - What a loser.
Total stalker.
Have you seen his jeans? Yeah, I have.
A bunch of us are going to Zobo's for some fro-yo.
Awesome.
Let's go.
Stay away from me, stalker! - Have you ever been to Zobo's? - I haven't.
The ambiance at Zobo's is amazing.
I used to be a fro-yo chef.
Step two.
Be cruel to your real friends In front of the popular kids.
These trousers are too big.
Hello? It's an orchid.
We thought it would look nice in your crapper.
Come in.
Marty and Debbie Weaver brought us an orchid.
Oh, it'll look very pretty in our crapper.
Look, Jackie, it's not often that you get to train your neighbors.
It's a treat.
We may have gotten a little carried away.
No, we asked for your guidance.
It's just that sometimes, it's a little bit If there's one thing we know, it's how to raise our children.
I know.
I mean, we don't want to tell you how to raise your kids.
Which is exactly what I said this morning.
- Marty.
- Or I could've said something else.
You know, it's been such a long day, and I really should get to work at some point.
Point is, we're here to help if you need help.
And we will try our best to receive your help.
What a beautiful moment.
It's the first day of my suspension.
What? Amber, wait.
Honey, we thought that before you went to school, you might want to give us a little, you know Emotional love salute? Some kind words.
You know, something that you love about us.
A smile? Thanks, baby.
- You see? - Peace.
- Peace! - Peace.
You see? They learn from us.
We learn from them.
Everyone's the better for it.
Oh, good.
There you are.
We just grounded Reggie Jackson.
Quick question.
How does he breathe? - Oh, god.
- What did they do?