The Neighbors s01e15 Episode Script

The thing about this car is it's, like, one of those rarities of life.
It's like me.
(Speaking indistinctly) So this joker, this Jeremy, what's the deal with that situation? I don't know.
She doesn't talk to me about boy stuff.
Hasn't since the muppets took Manhattan.
- What? - She had a weird dream about Gonzo.
You don't want to know.
Gonzo's a daredevil who plays the trumpet, okay.
He checks a lot of boxes.
I get that.
This guy is no Gonzo.
No, he's not.
The thing about these rims is they're real close to the ground, so they get dirty.
Um interesting.
Tell me more.
I will.
Polishing a lot of people think that chamois cloths are the way to go.
Not me.
My personal opinion is microfiber cloths.
No one knows this 'cause they get wet as soon as you use 'em.
But if you get a whole stack of 'em, like tons of 'em I like your hair, Giselle.
I like your hair, Reggie.
(Chuckles) So, Reggie, it's been three weeks since you took me to the dance in an attempt to make Amber jealous.
Two weeks and four days.
- We've been studying together - Every day after school.
We rented that awesome movie.
Smurf yes, we did! And so I as wondering I'm just kind of curious am I your girlfriend? Huh.
Well, honestly, Giselle, I don't know.
It's just, I like you, Reggie, and I try to be honest with the people that I like.
But no pressure, really.
Bitch.
I can't believe our son has fallen prey to a human girl.
Human romances seem so enchanting.
But watching Reggie involved in one is upsetting me.
Why is it upsetting me, husband? 'Cause you haven't seen him in three weeks.
Giselle this, Giselle that.
(Laughs) You're funny.
You're funny.
Oh, I can't watch this anymore.
(Gasps) Oh! Let's see what's going on with the weavers.
- You are.
- You are.
Oh, yes.
I could do with a little schadenfreude.
- Hey, honey, did Jeremy - Yep.
- So you two are bec - Uh-huh.
- So is he your boyfr - Bye, mom.
Well, on the bright side, at least we don't have to raise a teenage girl.
Mnh.
Giselle and I are going to braid each other's hair.
Thanks again so much for opening your home to me.
(Chuckles) Slut.
S01E15 Space Invaders Ooh, how tasty! More tea, bunny? Hey, honey.
I was hoping I could join your tea party.
We're kind of full.
I brought chocolate.
Oh, look.
We have an opening.
Hmm.
There you go.
(Sighs) So, Abby, I know you hear things.
I was just wondering what you know about Amber and Jeremy.
It's just, your sister doesn't talk to me.
Teenagers, huh? I always had this image in my head of Amber and I, sittin' in our bathrobes in the kitchen, talking about her boyfriends over a pint of ice cream.
I'm sorry.
(Chuckles) I'm sorry.
(Lowered voice)Yes, I know, horsey, but she's my mommy.
I can't just ask her to leave.
I'm sorry.
Horsey's in a mood.
Um Okay.
So when Amber texts Jeremy I've seen a smiley face, a tongue-out face, and a couple of times "L.
M.
A.
O.
" Oh, my God.
"Let my ass out.
" (Whispers) She's texting "let my ass out.
" Mommy! Horsey already didn't want you to come.
Come on! Amber is dating, Max.
The nightmare has begun.
Winter is coming.
"Game of thrones"? "Game of thrones.
" It occurs to me that daughters are the least loyal creatures on earth, Max.
Each of them will one day abandon us for some young man with a "Teen Wolf" haircut and secondhand corolla.
I'm gonna lean on the only two things a man can count on, and that's his son and his land.
You are my son, and this is my LA (Smack) (Whispers) Ah! Somebody moved this fence.
Where did my land go? Where did my son go? (Doorbell rings) Hey, Larry, Dick.
So my fence seems to have moved 4 feet in the last 24 hours.
Do you know anything about that? Oh, good.
The fence.
I was wondering what you'd notice first, the fence or the fact that I keyed your car.
What the hell, Larry?! I guess you'll want to fight me now.
What are you talking about? Marty, I won't lie.
I'm upset about Reggie and his newfound relationship with that Google-eyed simpleton.
Okay, so you know what? Why don't we talk about it? - Don't go - No.
No.
No talk.
No, I've done the research.
Human males are simple.
They mask their emotions through drink, farts, and physical violence.
The drink didn't take.
We're all out of farts.
I moved your fence to provoke you.
Fight me, Marty.
Give me respite to my feelings.
Don't make me spit in your orange juice.
You spit in my orange juice? How would I even know you did that? You didn't.
Finally, a teenager in the need of romantic guidance, sittin' in my kitchen.
Ooh, you know what we need? Some ice cream and some bathrobes.
I'd rather just tell you about my problem.
Work with me here, kid.
I need a win.
Ice cream sounds delightful.
Hey, stranger.
I haven't seen you in a while.
How are things with gazelle? - Giselle.
- Right.
Gazelle.
All safe out there on the African plains? No lions? Giselle is fine, thank you.
Has avoided all lion attacks.
She's very fast.
Things with Giselle are complicated and confusing.
How are things with Jeremy? Oh.
Uh, complicated and confusing.
Sometimes he starts to talk to me, and I just sort of zone out.
Oh, I totally get where you're coming from.
Totes.
I so get it.
Wanna talk? Reggie, I will see you around.
(Groans) Stay focused, Weaver.
So is Giselle my girlfriend? I mean, she is my friend and she is a girl, so logically she is my girl friend.
Reggie, here's my advice.
Don't be like every other teenage boy in the world.
If you like this girl, let her know that you're not interested in anyone else.
Commit.
Commit.
Thank you, Debbie Weaver.
I hope our girl talk satisfied you.
Oh, Reggie, you sweet boy.
If it did, I would not be about to pound an entire tank of ice cream.
(Clicks tongue) Okay.
And here we go.
(Alarm blaring) Son, if this is a public apology, it's not necessary.
You never have to apologize for abandoning me.
I will always be the key - female figure in your l - Hi, Reggie! Damn it! (Giselle) I got your message.
What's up? I have an announcement! You all know my study buddy Giselle Braxton no relation to Toni.
(Chuckles) Anywho, Giselle, will you please stand next to me? My friend Debbie Weaver gave me a little relationship advice this morning.
And she said if you like someone, you commit to them.
So, Giselle, I was wondering Will you marry me? (Gasps) (Gasps) Yes! Yes, I'll marry you! (Zabvronians murmur and gasp) (Cheering) (Whistling) (Woman) Wonderful! (Man) All right! (Laughs) (Zabvronians cheering) (Laughs) (Cheering continues) Did you hear the good news? I'm engaged.
Yeah! (Giggles) Oh, dear.
Listen, Reggie.
This is insane.
Why are you doing this? Three weeks ago, I loved you, but you didn't even like me.
- And that felt awful.
- I know, but Now I like Giselle, and she actually likes me back.
And who knows when someone might feel that way about me again, you know? - Reggie, you don't have to - More later.
This is my moment! (Confetti pops) Whoa! (Laughs) Jackie, I am so sorry.
I gave what I thought was rational advice to your son, and he took a crazy left turn with it.
You think? You think, Debbie? I'm so upset.
I'm feeling things I don't want to feel.
Go take a look at your tiny yard, Marty.
It's a baby-sized yard now.
Do something about it with your fists.
I'm not fighting you, Larry.
Please.
Rescue me.
Okay, that's it.
I'm just going to go outside and tell Reggie Jackson that I forbid this marriage.
Ooh.
Jackie, I would not do that.
Hey, mint chocate chol, I think the advice portion of your afternoon is over.
It was reduced fat.
(Sighs) Jackie, the more you tell kids what they can't do, the more they want to do them.
Trust me.
So I'm just supposed to sit back and let this happen? Of course not.
No! No one's gonna let two teenagers who barely know each other get married.
In fact So the kids have some big news they want to share with we're getting married.
Big news, right? (Whispers) And here comes the boom.
Listen, kids, why don't you give the adults a moment? Let's go look for engagement rings.
I want 3 carats-plus on this finger.
See Kim Kardashian for reference.
(Giggles) I know what a shock it is.
We're going to have to figure out how to handle this.
There is nothing to figure out.
Hmm.
We're paying for the wedding.
(Czech accent) But not until next year.
Luke didn't make baby on me till I was 17.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
You two can throw an engagement party as soon as you want.
(Gasps) You don't think she's pregnant, do you? Ooh! (Chuckles) Wow! That did not go the way I expected it to.
(Bottle shatters) Son of a - Larry.
- Let it go, dad.
Marty! I can't stop thinking about losing Reggie, Marty.
I've tried every form of male escapism.
Booze didn't work.
Pornography just confused me.
Confused you?! (Larry) Please, Marty, be a friend! Let's slap each other around a little.
Okay, this is getting ridiculous.
Dad, you do not want to fight that man.
I'm not gonna fight him, Max.
Wait a minute.
You don't think I can take queen Elizabeth out there? Wow.
I lost my daughter.
I lost my land.
I didn't think I'd lost my son.
(Brakes screech) I don't know who's stupider, you or me for listening to you.
You do not blame me for this, do you? "Oh, trust me, Jackie.
I'll take care of it.
" Well, you took care of it, all right.
It is not my fault that everyone I talk to today is out of their mind.
Will you two stop? You will not ruin this for me and the fiancee.
Oh, she is not your fiancee! I forbid this marriage! You are to go to your room until - Until when? - Until she dies.
Smurf you! Oh, I was afraid this was gonna happen.
Have you not done enough? Stop talking! There's not enough ice cream in the world to fix what you've done! (Voice breaks) If only that were true.
Ugh! Your wife really doesn't know when to mind her own business, does she? (Laughs) Easy, Larry.
Your wife is easy.
Larry, you're crossing a line.
Yes.
Her panty line.
(Chuckles) Okay.
I'm gonna walk away from this.
Oh, like your son recommended you do? Oh.
Touched a nerve, have I? You know what, Larry? You wanna fight me? - Ooh.
- You got it! You name the time and you name the place.
Tomorrow! Noon! This street! Fine! (Breathing heavily) Oh! I can't tell you how much this means to me.
You're a wonderful friend.
(Laughing) Her panty line.
(Laughs) (Ryan Adams) ™º Last time I was here you were waiting ♺ (exhales deeply) ™º you're not waiting anymore (inhales and exhales deeply) ™º The window's broken and smoke's escaping ♺ ♺ a book's scattered across the floor ♺ ♺ and the church bells ringing through the sirens ♺ (grunting) ™º and your coat was full of bullet holes ♺ ♺ last time I was here you were waiting ♺ ♺ you ain't waiting anymore I was gonna put a coat of wax on the car later.
Have I told you about the circle method? You start with a tiny circle and You have.
You have.
It was I have a lot of things, so maybe I could just see your car tomorrow when it's all waxy.
Well, no, you rub the wax off and No.
Don't, um ruin the mystery.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
I believe that's the most we've ever said to one another.
Yep.
I'm gonna give your father a massive beatdown in a bit.
Cool.
We have no relationship, right? - None.
- One could say that if I confessed something to you, it'd have no repercussions.
Kind of like confessing to a blank wall? I already forget what you said, man.
Perfect.
I know I'm supposed to act like a man and have no emotion, but I feel like I want to cry all the time.
I'm losing Reggie.
You and me both, pal.
This seems like a higher state of mopiness than your typical angsty baseline.
What's troubling you? Blank wall to blank wall, remember? Aw, hell.
I don't know what I'm doing with Jeremy.
The haircut who won't shut up about his automobile? Yeah.
He bores the crap out of me.
- Listen, Audrey - Amber.
Right.
Listen, Amber, I don't think much about humanity.
You, though, you I have some hope for.
You can be something.
Maybe.
But you have to challenge yourself.
Find the person who makes you feel special, Audrey Weaver.
Huh.
Since we'll probably never speak again, you should probably find someone else to talk to about these things.
And maybe you should, too.
You don't have to fight to be a man.
Just be a man, man.
(Door opens and closes) A man-man.
(click) (Western theme playing) Get in your bathrobe.
We're talking in five minutes.
Okay, Larry, it's go time.
(Lowered voice) I don't need to fight anymore.
I just need to emotionally unburden myself.
(Lowered voice) What? You called my wife easy.
Well, I was desperate.
Plus, sometimes she is a little loosey-goosey.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Let's start over.
You're my best friend, Marty.
I don't want to exchange punches with you.
I want to exchange feelings.
Can we do that? Can we be better than other men? It's driving me crazy that Amber is dating.
- I know.
- It really is.
I miss my son.
- It's killing me.
- Me, too.
(Whispers) You know, a few years ago, I was driving home in the golf cart at night and I think I might have ran over someone.
Okay, let's just end it there, all right? Do I have to lie like this? Give me something, dear.
This isn't easy.
I'm jealous of Giselle.
I cannot bear the thought of losing you.
It happened once at Garden State Plaza, and I will not let it happen again.
Mother You found me in Spencer's gifts that dark day.
And no matter where I go, I'll always be in the Spencer's gifts of your heart.
(Chuckles) You cannot marry this girl, son.
You don't have to marry the first girl who likes you.
There'll be lining up around blocks for you, Reggie Jackson.
They will? Mm-hmm.
I know I can't marry Giselle, but I think I want her to be my girlfriend.
(Jules Larson) ™º The more they come, the more they go ♺ I can deal with that.
Okay.
So we're gonna talk.
You're allowed to care but not allowed to seem like you care.
You got it? You see my face? Make your face look like my face.
I need some birth control because I'm gonna start having a lot of sex.
Are you cool with that? This isn't real, right? You're testing me.
- Because birth control is a really big deal.
- Mom! Sorry.
It's just so hard to turn it off.
It's cool.
What else? (Chuckles) I'm breaking up with Jeremy.
He bores the crap out of me.
Oh, honey.
I thought he might.
Are you okay? I will be.
™º I put your locket in my heart ♺ ♺ keeping you close no matter where you are ♺ ♺ 'cause it all Good job, mom.
You actually handled that pretty well.
Thanks.
It felt right.
So since we're talking, there is one other thing.
I'm kind of freaking out about this because it's ridiculous, and I don't know if it's a real thing or just I think I might be starting to have some feelings for the weird alien kid that lives next door.
™º One day I think maybe I like Reggie Jackson.
Like, like like.
(laughing) Oh! God, you got me, Amber! I'm an easy target, right? - You are.
Yeah.
- Oh, man! (Pats countertop) I need more ice cream.
(Laughs) Oh, God, that's all I need, for my teenager to fall in love with the alien next door.
(Laughs) - Hey.
- Hey.
- So - So So a lot of things were said today.
Lot of things.
Guess we could, uh, do it again sometime? Talk some more? Yeah.
I think maybe we could.
- It's not gonna work.
- No.
(Clicks tongue) Oh.
Have a great summer.
Take care, Angie.