The New Normal s01e14 Episode Script
Gaydar
1 Oh, good, you're doing nothing.
I'm watching the playoffs.
That's what you said last Sunday.
Hey Anyway, I've been kicking around some ideas for birth announcements.
I just need you to sign off on one more thing.
I'm sure whatever you want is fine, it's What the hell is that? It's his wardrobe for the christening announcement photo.
Oh, no.
My son is not wearing that.
Oh, no, no, no if you're afraid it's derivative, it is intentionally so.
It is modeled after Lucy Harker's funeral gown from Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula.
Good eye, David.
My son is not wearing a dress, Bryan.
It is not a dress.
It is a classic turn of the century dressing gown.
They were very common infant attire and a lot of parents still use them in birth and christening announcements.
I'm just kind of hoping to get to his first birthday without him being called "a baby homo.
" Who would call an infant "a baby homo" except for a toddler Michele Bachmann? David, clothes do not define what somebody is.
I mean, look at me.
If you had to pick what my sexuality was based on what I was wearing, what would you say? Lesbian bagger vance.
I love the way you dress, I'm just saying we have to be careful about what kind of impression we put out there.
Meaning what? Meaning that people make snap judgments based on appearances and it could affect him for the rest of his life.
Fine, if you don't like my idea, come up with one of your own.
Hello.
Welcome.
Jane Forrest, exquisite properties for appropriate buyers.
My God, it's dead in here.
It's more like a haunted open house.
And you must be one of the ghosts.
Judging by your outfit, I'd say you died around the time argo was set.
I am dressed as what I am, which is a damn good real estate agent.
Now, are you here to view the property or just to air out those dazzling new tooth caps of yours? Oh, relax Janey, I'm Brice.
Nancy Niles' broker associate.
She sent me here to check out your first open house.
Let's see.
You see that? I just I just cruised myself.
I am literally a Greek God.
Tell me, does this pant make my package look too big? Certainly pales in comparison to the size of your ego.
Now, thank you very much, price Brice as in Dallas Howard.
So, Jane, tell me.
Where'd you get your start in real estate? Ohio.
Right.
And I bet the smell of these cookies baked fresh from a tube is your secret weapon? Yes.
No.
See, here in L.
A.
it's just a reminder of your client's eating disorder, but see that is not what's driving people away from your open house.
Okay, I'll bite what is? Well, we could quickly slap on a fresh coat of paint, but I think the real problem lies within the foundation.
I mean, the whole design scheme is so tacky and outdated.
Are you insane? We can't flip an entire house.
Keep up with me, honey I'm not talking about the house.
I'm flipping you.
It was so nice meeting you, Shania.
I hope you had fun on the set tour, though I don't normally give it myself.
There are special privileges that come with being the kid of my boss's surrogate.
You don't have any more children, do you? Oh, no.
Okay, see you guys later.
Hey, girls, hate to interrupt but picture's up in ten and our star needs to be touched up.
Oily faces don't powder themselves.
No, they don't.
Bye.
Oh, how do I look? Great.
Is there something in my teeth? How's my breath? Did you eat bologna? That's Chris.
He's a grip.
What's a grip? Got me.
We have a bit of a thing going.
Oh, um, what about Darnell? I thought you guys were hot and heavy.
Well, when things got intimate, Darnell kept taking the bus downtown, which I do like, but he never got off at the right stop.
He kept taking it all the way to skid row.
I couldn't look him in the eye anymore, you know what I'm saying? Not at all.
Hey, baby girl.
Hey.
Hey.
Kisses mm-wah, mm-wah.
Two things number one, you look stupid fierce.
Number two, we have a date Mary J.
Blige is playing at the Nokia, no is not an option, and No more drama.
Aren't you gonna introduce me to these two lovely ladies? Oh, Chris, these are my friends.
This is Goldie and Shania.
I bet you break boys' hearts left and right.
Don't you know it, girlfriend? We should go out boy-hunting sometime.
Isn't she precocious? She taught me that word when she was four.
Yeah, well, I better get back to work.
I got a jib arm to rig.
What was that, saying you want to go hunting for boys with my boyfriend? Rocky, I was kidding.
I'm too young to get into gay bars.
All right, picture's up.
Okay, we want to upgrade her look.
But I don't want anything crazy.
Crazy is what you've got, girl.
I know, it's so brutal, I just want to snap it of, boil it in water and put marinara on it.
- Baby, the way your tong works.
- You don't know the half.
Maybe you just try adding a little texture and swing.
It looks hot on my wife.
It's easy to wear it down for work.
Or tie it up for chasing our kids around the house.
I say we do some subtle layering.
Something to highlight your great jaw line.
Natasha, I never noticed how soft you hair is.
Don't let me leave without the name of your conditioner.
And your phone number.
What are you doing? Hopefully getting her number.
And it's a game? Oh, sweetheart, it's definitely a game.
Uh-huh, to what end? To what I don't know.
Go to dinner, a movie, or see where the night takes us.
I have a boat.
Are you even thinking about her? What about her feelings? What if she likes you? Is it the fumes in here? I know rayburn uses a two-step emulsifying bleach.
Please, I know you, Brice.
I was married to a man just like you.
And I think you are cruel and you are selfish.
And if you were a decent human being, you would leave that young girl alone and stick to your own kind.
What's my own kind? Gay.
I'm not gay.
Oh, please, you are wearing a bracelet.
Jane, it's a new world.
Just because a guy's into fashion and culture and hair processing doesn't make him gay.
Hear, hear.
Oh I mean, what is David's problem? That's a perfectly lovely gown for a boy or a girl.
Um, I think I might have to side with David on this one.
It's a little girly? Well, so what? I mean, clothing doesn't necessarily have to indicate gender.
Right, but, um Most people aren't that evolved.
They go with their first impressions and sometimes that can hurt.
I need to talk to the child.
Child, you have lost your damn stinking mind suggesting that my boyfriend Chris is a homosexual.
Oh, so he's secretly gay, but dates women as a cover? You know, on the down low? What? The down low? My man is on the up high he is straight.
I'm sure you think he is, Rocky, but my gaydar is pretty impeccable.
Yes, miss Shania? Diego, I wanted to tell you.
Despite how difficult it must be in your community to proudly declare who you are, I know.
¿Cómo? I know the hanky in your left pocket is part of the gay hanky code.
Well, I just, uh, use it to wipe my sweat when I trim the bushes.
Okay, we'll go with that.
Here, I got you this.
It's Bryan's screener for Les Miz.
Maybe you know someone who'd enjoy watching it.
I just know on, like, a molecular level.
Sorry, Rocky, but Chris is gay.
Ooh, Jane, what's with the scarf? Chemo? My hair is not thinning, if that's what you're implying.
Why is Rocky sweating? Oh, well, Shania accused Rocky's boyfriend of being gay Which he is not.
And we were just, uh, clearing up the situation.
I am going through this exact same thing with this fellow at work.
Well, it's not as easy to tell who's gay and who's straight anymore.
If I'm confused, I can't imagine how you straights feel.
Well, Chris is straight.
Well, your not-gay, gay boyfriend can't be any gayer than gay Brice.
Why do you even care? I need to find out if I should like him or hate him.
And make him deal with his life choices so he doesn't hurt innocent women.
Like me.
Ooh, what if we have a dinner, and then we can put these guys to a gay test like a game show.
Whoo-hoo! Well, I'm in.
Because I know I'm gonna win.
Okay, I'll do anything to find out the truth.
If this works, I can repackage it with has-beens and then sell it to FOX.
Beach house! I found the outfit for the birth announcement picture.
Huh? I was gonna get a little mouth guard, but then I realized he's not gonna have any teeth to protect, so Well, it beats the dress.
It's not a dress, it's a gown.
And there's a difference.
Yeah, one is for girls, the other's for gays.
Wow.
I'm just trying to live my life.
I didn't realize I was living it with a homophobe.
That's not what I meant, Bry.
I'm just saying, it's gonna be weird enough for some people to receive a birth announcement with two dads on it.
Oh, my God, David.
If you're so concerned about what other people might think, I'll just write on the back of it, "it's just a gown.
He's not gay.
"At least, not yet.
We'll check back at puberty.
" Please, don't even joke about that.
All the people who judge us will get on their soapboxes and say, "see?" "He was surrounded by so much gay, it probably rubbed off on him.
" Just like my parents surrounded me with all their straightness, and it rubbed off on me? It doesn't work that way, David.
Yeah, but you know how the world is.
People like to condemn the things they don't understand.
There was this kid on my junior high mock U.
N.
team.
I called him a fag, 'cause I was afraid that people would call me that.
'Cause even back then, I knew that I was one.
I hope Our son won't experience the same pain and humiliation and exclusion that we did.
David, I'm not concerned about that, because I do believe that a kid's parents rub off on them.
But the things that are gonna rub off on our kids are things like strength and tolerance and love.
Can we talk more about this later? Sure.
Good evening, and welcome to "Gay or not gay?!" Yeah, are you guys sure this is a good idea? Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Jane.
Oh, my lord, you look amazing.
I do not use the word "fabulous" very often Okay, maybe I do.
But I've never meant it more than I do right now.
Really? I feel so unladylike in these clothes.
It's too late to go home and change, right? Boys are coming soon.
Okay.
How does the gay test work? Okay, we've devised a series of tests to see which way your men sway.
The first topic we're gonna throw at them is Female Oscar winners.
Dead giveaway.
Here you go.
That's very gentlemanly of you.
If you knew what I was thinking about your new look, you wouldn't call me a gentleman.
You look hot as hell, Jane.
Now that seemed like genuine boy-girl stuff to me.
What's your man-tenna picking up? I need more time.
Okay, guys, we have Bryan's famous gruyère crisps with a truffled-lobster paste.
Ooh! I'm a great cook.
Diet starts tomorrow.
Beep-beep-beep-beep.
Aren't you allergic? Speaking of allergies, I about busted out in hives when I saw what diablo Cody was wearing to the 2008 oscars.
Anybody remember? Oh, my God, that floor-length cheetah-print frock? She looked like a thrift store sofa with tattoos.
Hmm.
Welcome to the jungle, honey.
Very confusing.
He took the bait, but then he threw in that reference to guns n' roses.
To what? Never mind.
Over salad, we'll initiate round two of testing, based on gay men's innate ability to identify any top ten song.
Goldie, we'll need your help with this.
This green goddess dressing is delicious, - and Chris is delighted.
- Oh.
Oh, uh, I always enjoy music with my salad.
Bryan, would you turn on the radio? Wait, mom, I brought my recorder.
Would you like to hear me play it? Great idea! Wait.
I know.
Let's make a game out of it.
Name that tune! Yay! Oh, play it.
"Diamonds.
" By Rihanna.
Come on.
It was two notes.
It could be any song.
It could, but it isn't.
He's right.
That Rihanna.
Is so hot.
And then, for dessert, we'll retire to the parlor for a rousing game of celebrity! Celebrity? What's that? Celebrity is a guessing game, where you draw names out of an orange Bauer cookie jar, and then you try to get your teammates to guess the names that you're holding.
Bryan and I will stack the deck with some very gay-centric personalities.
All right, Brice, Chris, our team is up, let's do it.
You guys are going down.
Watch a professional.
Here we go.
Shania, whenever you are ready.
All right, here we go.
All right, this guy is an artist or a photographer Robert mapplethorpe! Yes.
Okay, what do we got? I don't know who this person is.
First name starts with, is like "kanga" Rue! McClanahan! Yes! Bam! Okay, all right, this is the daughter of someone.
Liza Minnelli.
Lourdes Ciccone.
It was lourdes.
That's amazing.
Okay, oh, this one's easy, this one's mine.
This was the quarterback for the aggies, heisman trophy winner.
Johnny Manziel.
Time.
Okay, so after all that, what if the data is inconclusive? There is one, final test.
It is absolutely 100% accurate.
But it is so horrible to make a man sit through if he's not gay.
I will only break this out as an absolute last resort.
Oprah's legends ball.
No straight male has ever sat through an entire viewing without his body shutting down to protect itself.
And, oh, yes, there will be Cicely Tyson.
Ay, dios mio.
Look at them sitting there in their Sunday best on Oprah's front lawn! Ooh! Miss Leontyne Price.
Work it, girl.
Phylicia Rashad, I wish you were my mom! Get off the screen, Maria Shriver! Ooh, this is my favorite part.
They pass the microphone to miss Patti LaBelle! Sing it, girl! Sing it! It is over! Ah! I'm gonna get a teensy Brandy.
Oh, Lena horne, you're alive! It looks like your fella's waving the rainbow flag in surrender.
We don't know that for sure, Jane.
Miss della Reese.
Mm! Why don't you just ask him, Rocky? Yeah, isn't it more honest than playing this silly game? I can't.
It's too hard.
Oh, sing it, Diana, sing it.
You look crazy.
No, the gay test is working.
Let it play out.
So that's what this is, a bitch-hunt? Well, I already know what I am, so I'm gonna go.
Looking good, Gladys, looking good.
Nice.
She's back on top.
Brice? Please don't go.
You know, Jane, I thought you were sharp and funny, shrewd, with this new look of yours, super sexy, but this little dinner party you're throwing to find out if I'm gay? That's pathetic.
Aw, hell! Chris, are you gay or straight? Am I what? Are you gay or straight? Because this game we're playing isn't working and if we're gonna be a thing, then I need to know.
Now! Well, I don't think I care to answer that question, rock You and I are most definitely not a thing.
Not anymore.
Goldie, I'm so sorry I involved Shania in that gaydar dinner last night.
We hurt people's feelings and we perpetuated ugly stereotypes.
As an apology, please accept these French lavender macaroons from ladurée.
Oh! Oh! Neh, neh, neh, they're too beautiful to eat.
I'm so ashamed.
I messed up Rocky's relationship with Chris, and I might have been wrong about him.
Maybe I never really had an amazing gaydar power at all.
I'm going to write a letter of apology on my blog to the city of Portland for describing its entire female population as lesbian.
That's very sweet, baby.
It's a whole new sexually ambiguous world out there, and that's good.
I mean, no one can be 100% sure that I'm gay.
Sure.
Yes.
But I Can I? Don't even I'm sorry.
All right, that's a wrap, folks.
Take an hour for lunch.
Chris, what I did was wrong.
I shouldn't have lied to you about the auspices of our dinner.
I am truly sorry.
I've got no right to criticize you for lying.
Rocky, I am gay.
I don't say that aloud too often, 'cause look at this crew I work with.
It's like duck dynasty up in here.
And I didn't tell you 'cause we were too busy having fun.
But when I realized that you had those kind of feelings for me, I didn't know how to tell the truth without hurting you.
Well, now that I know the truth, I still want you in my life, but just not as a boyfriend.
Can I still call you "girlfriend"? Oh, I insist.
And let me tell you something: I am a producer of sing! And that means I contribute to the order up in here.
And if any person makes you feel uncomfortable because of who you are, you run and tattle to me and I will bring the justice.
Okay.
And also before the Mary J.
Blige concert tomorrow Manis and pedis? Girl, calm down.
We're doing dinner.
I'd love that.
Good.
See you tomorrow.
Girl, that ass is still banging.
I heard you sold that house on Glendower.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Anything else? No.
Actually, yes.
Oh, yeah? Would you like some tips on the best bar in Mykonos? Or maybe we could play some Lady Gaga trivia.
Or perhaps you're looking for some tips on how to remove Merlot stains out of skinny jeans? I wanted to say something to you about last night.
I wanted to say I was sorry and that what I did was not kind.
Then why did you do it? I needed to know if you were gay or straight.
Oh, my God, you are so quick to judge everyone.
You want to label everyone up against some old stereotype.
You are the most stereotypical person I've ever met in my life.
What do you care what anyone is? Why do you care what I am? Because I like you.
Because I'm d I'm drawn to you.
I really loved my husband, Edgar.
I really did.
We had the best time together.
We would go to the theater, we would discover new bistros.
I was so attracted to all that.
But Edgar was not attracted To me.
And I do not want to make that same mistake twice.
Jane, the world has changed.
It's not black and white anymore.
Well, maybe it's just too much change for me.
Sit down.
I can help you change your hair, I can help you change your outfit, but only you can change yourself.
The question you have to ask is do you want to hold onto the way things used to be and be right, or do you want to change and be happy? You still think I'm gay? I don't care.
So, I have been thinking about the outfit our baby will wear for the birth announcement.
Oh, sweetie, I really don't want this to be a whole thing.
So he can wear whatever you want him to wear.
What made you change your mind? That silly dinner party.
Last night, I became that kid from junior high all over again.
Judging someone because I was afraid of being judged.
It wasn't just you.
It was Shania, too.
If we don't change, if we don't evolve, then we die.
You don't see any theropod dinosaurs hanging around anymore, do you? You want to know why? Because dromaeosauridae Oh, my God, David, it's like you want me to stop paying attention.
I just don't want our son to grow up the way that I did: Afraid to be myself, playing into stereotypes so he won't be judged.
But he can only do that if I'm not afraid.
So, go ahead.
Put our son in the dress gown.
But I do have one slight adjustment.
It's perfect.
It's odd and amazing, and it will confuse everyone.
And I love it.
I'm watching the playoffs.
That's what you said last Sunday.
Hey Anyway, I've been kicking around some ideas for birth announcements.
I just need you to sign off on one more thing.
I'm sure whatever you want is fine, it's What the hell is that? It's his wardrobe for the christening announcement photo.
Oh, no.
My son is not wearing that.
Oh, no, no, no if you're afraid it's derivative, it is intentionally so.
It is modeled after Lucy Harker's funeral gown from Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula.
Good eye, David.
My son is not wearing a dress, Bryan.
It is not a dress.
It is a classic turn of the century dressing gown.
They were very common infant attire and a lot of parents still use them in birth and christening announcements.
I'm just kind of hoping to get to his first birthday without him being called "a baby homo.
" Who would call an infant "a baby homo" except for a toddler Michele Bachmann? David, clothes do not define what somebody is.
I mean, look at me.
If you had to pick what my sexuality was based on what I was wearing, what would you say? Lesbian bagger vance.
I love the way you dress, I'm just saying we have to be careful about what kind of impression we put out there.
Meaning what? Meaning that people make snap judgments based on appearances and it could affect him for the rest of his life.
Fine, if you don't like my idea, come up with one of your own.
Hello.
Welcome.
Jane Forrest, exquisite properties for appropriate buyers.
My God, it's dead in here.
It's more like a haunted open house.
And you must be one of the ghosts.
Judging by your outfit, I'd say you died around the time argo was set.
I am dressed as what I am, which is a damn good real estate agent.
Now, are you here to view the property or just to air out those dazzling new tooth caps of yours? Oh, relax Janey, I'm Brice.
Nancy Niles' broker associate.
She sent me here to check out your first open house.
Let's see.
You see that? I just I just cruised myself.
I am literally a Greek God.
Tell me, does this pant make my package look too big? Certainly pales in comparison to the size of your ego.
Now, thank you very much, price Brice as in Dallas Howard.
So, Jane, tell me.
Where'd you get your start in real estate? Ohio.
Right.
And I bet the smell of these cookies baked fresh from a tube is your secret weapon? Yes.
No.
See, here in L.
A.
it's just a reminder of your client's eating disorder, but see that is not what's driving people away from your open house.
Okay, I'll bite what is? Well, we could quickly slap on a fresh coat of paint, but I think the real problem lies within the foundation.
I mean, the whole design scheme is so tacky and outdated.
Are you insane? We can't flip an entire house.
Keep up with me, honey I'm not talking about the house.
I'm flipping you.
It was so nice meeting you, Shania.
I hope you had fun on the set tour, though I don't normally give it myself.
There are special privileges that come with being the kid of my boss's surrogate.
You don't have any more children, do you? Oh, no.
Okay, see you guys later.
Hey, girls, hate to interrupt but picture's up in ten and our star needs to be touched up.
Oily faces don't powder themselves.
No, they don't.
Bye.
Oh, how do I look? Great.
Is there something in my teeth? How's my breath? Did you eat bologna? That's Chris.
He's a grip.
What's a grip? Got me.
We have a bit of a thing going.
Oh, um, what about Darnell? I thought you guys were hot and heavy.
Well, when things got intimate, Darnell kept taking the bus downtown, which I do like, but he never got off at the right stop.
He kept taking it all the way to skid row.
I couldn't look him in the eye anymore, you know what I'm saying? Not at all.
Hey, baby girl.
Hey.
Hey.
Kisses mm-wah, mm-wah.
Two things number one, you look stupid fierce.
Number two, we have a date Mary J.
Blige is playing at the Nokia, no is not an option, and No more drama.
Aren't you gonna introduce me to these two lovely ladies? Oh, Chris, these are my friends.
This is Goldie and Shania.
I bet you break boys' hearts left and right.
Don't you know it, girlfriend? We should go out boy-hunting sometime.
Isn't she precocious? She taught me that word when she was four.
Yeah, well, I better get back to work.
I got a jib arm to rig.
What was that, saying you want to go hunting for boys with my boyfriend? Rocky, I was kidding.
I'm too young to get into gay bars.
All right, picture's up.
Okay, we want to upgrade her look.
But I don't want anything crazy.
Crazy is what you've got, girl.
I know, it's so brutal, I just want to snap it of, boil it in water and put marinara on it.
- Baby, the way your tong works.
- You don't know the half.
Maybe you just try adding a little texture and swing.
It looks hot on my wife.
It's easy to wear it down for work.
Or tie it up for chasing our kids around the house.
I say we do some subtle layering.
Something to highlight your great jaw line.
Natasha, I never noticed how soft you hair is.
Don't let me leave without the name of your conditioner.
And your phone number.
What are you doing? Hopefully getting her number.
And it's a game? Oh, sweetheart, it's definitely a game.
Uh-huh, to what end? To what I don't know.
Go to dinner, a movie, or see where the night takes us.
I have a boat.
Are you even thinking about her? What about her feelings? What if she likes you? Is it the fumes in here? I know rayburn uses a two-step emulsifying bleach.
Please, I know you, Brice.
I was married to a man just like you.
And I think you are cruel and you are selfish.
And if you were a decent human being, you would leave that young girl alone and stick to your own kind.
What's my own kind? Gay.
I'm not gay.
Oh, please, you are wearing a bracelet.
Jane, it's a new world.
Just because a guy's into fashion and culture and hair processing doesn't make him gay.
Hear, hear.
Oh I mean, what is David's problem? That's a perfectly lovely gown for a boy or a girl.
Um, I think I might have to side with David on this one.
It's a little girly? Well, so what? I mean, clothing doesn't necessarily have to indicate gender.
Right, but, um Most people aren't that evolved.
They go with their first impressions and sometimes that can hurt.
I need to talk to the child.
Child, you have lost your damn stinking mind suggesting that my boyfriend Chris is a homosexual.
Oh, so he's secretly gay, but dates women as a cover? You know, on the down low? What? The down low? My man is on the up high he is straight.
I'm sure you think he is, Rocky, but my gaydar is pretty impeccable.
Yes, miss Shania? Diego, I wanted to tell you.
Despite how difficult it must be in your community to proudly declare who you are, I know.
¿Cómo? I know the hanky in your left pocket is part of the gay hanky code.
Well, I just, uh, use it to wipe my sweat when I trim the bushes.
Okay, we'll go with that.
Here, I got you this.
It's Bryan's screener for Les Miz.
Maybe you know someone who'd enjoy watching it.
I just know on, like, a molecular level.
Sorry, Rocky, but Chris is gay.
Ooh, Jane, what's with the scarf? Chemo? My hair is not thinning, if that's what you're implying.
Why is Rocky sweating? Oh, well, Shania accused Rocky's boyfriend of being gay Which he is not.
And we were just, uh, clearing up the situation.
I am going through this exact same thing with this fellow at work.
Well, it's not as easy to tell who's gay and who's straight anymore.
If I'm confused, I can't imagine how you straights feel.
Well, Chris is straight.
Well, your not-gay, gay boyfriend can't be any gayer than gay Brice.
Why do you even care? I need to find out if I should like him or hate him.
And make him deal with his life choices so he doesn't hurt innocent women.
Like me.
Ooh, what if we have a dinner, and then we can put these guys to a gay test like a game show.
Whoo-hoo! Well, I'm in.
Because I know I'm gonna win.
Okay, I'll do anything to find out the truth.
If this works, I can repackage it with has-beens and then sell it to FOX.
Beach house! I found the outfit for the birth announcement picture.
Huh? I was gonna get a little mouth guard, but then I realized he's not gonna have any teeth to protect, so Well, it beats the dress.
It's not a dress, it's a gown.
And there's a difference.
Yeah, one is for girls, the other's for gays.
Wow.
I'm just trying to live my life.
I didn't realize I was living it with a homophobe.
That's not what I meant, Bry.
I'm just saying, it's gonna be weird enough for some people to receive a birth announcement with two dads on it.
Oh, my God, David.
If you're so concerned about what other people might think, I'll just write on the back of it, "it's just a gown.
He's not gay.
"At least, not yet.
We'll check back at puberty.
" Please, don't even joke about that.
All the people who judge us will get on their soapboxes and say, "see?" "He was surrounded by so much gay, it probably rubbed off on him.
" Just like my parents surrounded me with all their straightness, and it rubbed off on me? It doesn't work that way, David.
Yeah, but you know how the world is.
People like to condemn the things they don't understand.
There was this kid on my junior high mock U.
N.
team.
I called him a fag, 'cause I was afraid that people would call me that.
'Cause even back then, I knew that I was one.
I hope Our son won't experience the same pain and humiliation and exclusion that we did.
David, I'm not concerned about that, because I do believe that a kid's parents rub off on them.
But the things that are gonna rub off on our kids are things like strength and tolerance and love.
Can we talk more about this later? Sure.
Good evening, and welcome to "Gay or not gay?!" Yeah, are you guys sure this is a good idea? Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Jane.
Oh, my lord, you look amazing.
I do not use the word "fabulous" very often Okay, maybe I do.
But I've never meant it more than I do right now.
Really? I feel so unladylike in these clothes.
It's too late to go home and change, right? Boys are coming soon.
Okay.
How does the gay test work? Okay, we've devised a series of tests to see which way your men sway.
The first topic we're gonna throw at them is Female Oscar winners.
Dead giveaway.
Here you go.
That's very gentlemanly of you.
If you knew what I was thinking about your new look, you wouldn't call me a gentleman.
You look hot as hell, Jane.
Now that seemed like genuine boy-girl stuff to me.
What's your man-tenna picking up? I need more time.
Okay, guys, we have Bryan's famous gruyère crisps with a truffled-lobster paste.
Ooh! I'm a great cook.
Diet starts tomorrow.
Beep-beep-beep-beep.
Aren't you allergic? Speaking of allergies, I about busted out in hives when I saw what diablo Cody was wearing to the 2008 oscars.
Anybody remember? Oh, my God, that floor-length cheetah-print frock? She looked like a thrift store sofa with tattoos.
Hmm.
Welcome to the jungle, honey.
Very confusing.
He took the bait, but then he threw in that reference to guns n' roses.
To what? Never mind.
Over salad, we'll initiate round two of testing, based on gay men's innate ability to identify any top ten song.
Goldie, we'll need your help with this.
This green goddess dressing is delicious, - and Chris is delighted.
- Oh.
Oh, uh, I always enjoy music with my salad.
Bryan, would you turn on the radio? Wait, mom, I brought my recorder.
Would you like to hear me play it? Great idea! Wait.
I know.
Let's make a game out of it.
Name that tune! Yay! Oh, play it.
"Diamonds.
" By Rihanna.
Come on.
It was two notes.
It could be any song.
It could, but it isn't.
He's right.
That Rihanna.
Is so hot.
And then, for dessert, we'll retire to the parlor for a rousing game of celebrity! Celebrity? What's that? Celebrity is a guessing game, where you draw names out of an orange Bauer cookie jar, and then you try to get your teammates to guess the names that you're holding.
Bryan and I will stack the deck with some very gay-centric personalities.
All right, Brice, Chris, our team is up, let's do it.
You guys are going down.
Watch a professional.
Here we go.
Shania, whenever you are ready.
All right, here we go.
All right, this guy is an artist or a photographer Robert mapplethorpe! Yes.
Okay, what do we got? I don't know who this person is.
First name starts with, is like "kanga" Rue! McClanahan! Yes! Bam! Okay, all right, this is the daughter of someone.
Liza Minnelli.
Lourdes Ciccone.
It was lourdes.
That's amazing.
Okay, oh, this one's easy, this one's mine.
This was the quarterback for the aggies, heisman trophy winner.
Johnny Manziel.
Time.
Okay, so after all that, what if the data is inconclusive? There is one, final test.
It is absolutely 100% accurate.
But it is so horrible to make a man sit through if he's not gay.
I will only break this out as an absolute last resort.
Oprah's legends ball.
No straight male has ever sat through an entire viewing without his body shutting down to protect itself.
And, oh, yes, there will be Cicely Tyson.
Ay, dios mio.
Look at them sitting there in their Sunday best on Oprah's front lawn! Ooh! Miss Leontyne Price.
Work it, girl.
Phylicia Rashad, I wish you were my mom! Get off the screen, Maria Shriver! Ooh, this is my favorite part.
They pass the microphone to miss Patti LaBelle! Sing it, girl! Sing it! It is over! Ah! I'm gonna get a teensy Brandy.
Oh, Lena horne, you're alive! It looks like your fella's waving the rainbow flag in surrender.
We don't know that for sure, Jane.
Miss della Reese.
Mm! Why don't you just ask him, Rocky? Yeah, isn't it more honest than playing this silly game? I can't.
It's too hard.
Oh, sing it, Diana, sing it.
You look crazy.
No, the gay test is working.
Let it play out.
So that's what this is, a bitch-hunt? Well, I already know what I am, so I'm gonna go.
Looking good, Gladys, looking good.
Nice.
She's back on top.
Brice? Please don't go.
You know, Jane, I thought you were sharp and funny, shrewd, with this new look of yours, super sexy, but this little dinner party you're throwing to find out if I'm gay? That's pathetic.
Aw, hell! Chris, are you gay or straight? Am I what? Are you gay or straight? Because this game we're playing isn't working and if we're gonna be a thing, then I need to know.
Now! Well, I don't think I care to answer that question, rock You and I are most definitely not a thing.
Not anymore.
Goldie, I'm so sorry I involved Shania in that gaydar dinner last night.
We hurt people's feelings and we perpetuated ugly stereotypes.
As an apology, please accept these French lavender macaroons from ladurée.
Oh! Oh! Neh, neh, neh, they're too beautiful to eat.
I'm so ashamed.
I messed up Rocky's relationship with Chris, and I might have been wrong about him.
Maybe I never really had an amazing gaydar power at all.
I'm going to write a letter of apology on my blog to the city of Portland for describing its entire female population as lesbian.
That's very sweet, baby.
It's a whole new sexually ambiguous world out there, and that's good.
I mean, no one can be 100% sure that I'm gay.
Sure.
Yes.
But I Can I? Don't even I'm sorry.
All right, that's a wrap, folks.
Take an hour for lunch.
Chris, what I did was wrong.
I shouldn't have lied to you about the auspices of our dinner.
I am truly sorry.
I've got no right to criticize you for lying.
Rocky, I am gay.
I don't say that aloud too often, 'cause look at this crew I work with.
It's like duck dynasty up in here.
And I didn't tell you 'cause we were too busy having fun.
But when I realized that you had those kind of feelings for me, I didn't know how to tell the truth without hurting you.
Well, now that I know the truth, I still want you in my life, but just not as a boyfriend.
Can I still call you "girlfriend"? Oh, I insist.
And let me tell you something: I am a producer of sing! And that means I contribute to the order up in here.
And if any person makes you feel uncomfortable because of who you are, you run and tattle to me and I will bring the justice.
Okay.
And also before the Mary J.
Blige concert tomorrow Manis and pedis? Girl, calm down.
We're doing dinner.
I'd love that.
Good.
See you tomorrow.
Girl, that ass is still banging.
I heard you sold that house on Glendower.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Anything else? No.
Actually, yes.
Oh, yeah? Would you like some tips on the best bar in Mykonos? Or maybe we could play some Lady Gaga trivia.
Or perhaps you're looking for some tips on how to remove Merlot stains out of skinny jeans? I wanted to say something to you about last night.
I wanted to say I was sorry and that what I did was not kind.
Then why did you do it? I needed to know if you were gay or straight.
Oh, my God, you are so quick to judge everyone.
You want to label everyone up against some old stereotype.
You are the most stereotypical person I've ever met in my life.
What do you care what anyone is? Why do you care what I am? Because I like you.
Because I'm d I'm drawn to you.
I really loved my husband, Edgar.
I really did.
We had the best time together.
We would go to the theater, we would discover new bistros.
I was so attracted to all that.
But Edgar was not attracted To me.
And I do not want to make that same mistake twice.
Jane, the world has changed.
It's not black and white anymore.
Well, maybe it's just too much change for me.
Sit down.
I can help you change your hair, I can help you change your outfit, but only you can change yourself.
The question you have to ask is do you want to hold onto the way things used to be and be right, or do you want to change and be happy? You still think I'm gay? I don't care.
So, I have been thinking about the outfit our baby will wear for the birth announcement.
Oh, sweetie, I really don't want this to be a whole thing.
So he can wear whatever you want him to wear.
What made you change your mind? That silly dinner party.
Last night, I became that kid from junior high all over again.
Judging someone because I was afraid of being judged.
It wasn't just you.
It was Shania, too.
If we don't change, if we don't evolve, then we die.
You don't see any theropod dinosaurs hanging around anymore, do you? You want to know why? Because dromaeosauridae Oh, my God, David, it's like you want me to stop paying attention.
I just don't want our son to grow up the way that I did: Afraid to be myself, playing into stereotypes so he won't be judged.
But he can only do that if I'm not afraid.
So, go ahead.
Put our son in the dress gown.
But I do have one slight adjustment.
It's perfect.
It's odd and amazing, and it will confuse everyone.
And I love it.