The Oblongs (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Narcoleptic Scottie

Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs "And so the sexual odyssey of these two strangers breaks every taboo leading to an unforgettable 9 1 /2 Weeks.
" Read me another video box, Mommy.
No, honey, it's time to board the sleepy train to slumber land where fairies make all your sweet dreams come true.
Lockdown! Oh, Mom, l'm fully medicated.
Milo, last night you were up till dawn trying to circumcise ants.
That's not crazy.
lt's a matter of hygiene.
Milo doesn't seem as hyper tonight.
l didn't even have to use the chloroform teddy bear.
Maybe the little hobbledehoy is finally starting to calm down.
Hey, Dad.
Dagnab it, l'm still riddled with tartar.
-Mai tai, Pop? -What's the occasion? Milo got suspended for doing something unspeakable with a fish stick.
And this is his punishment? l started to spank him, and somehow, it turned out like this.
Well, the best laid plans.
Anywho, l've got something here that just might help.
l don't want him smoking that stuff.
Honey, it's a bonsai tree.
The trimming and tending of these little fellas is supposed to induce a calm, meditative state.
Give her a try, son.
Bob Oblong, you're a genius.
Oh, not a genius, dear.
l'm just a little man trying to do big things.
Oh, criminy.
He's more manic than ever, doc.
You've gotta do something.
Let's take your temperature, kid.
Say, ah.
-So you've been feeling a little stressed? -No more than usual.
l've previously diagnosed your son with the typical valley childhood ailments: ADD, OCD, TTD and, of course, foamy diarrhea.
He does eat a lot of soap.
Well, l'm not a psychiatrist, but l do have a pen and prescription pad.
And there's no problem l'm not willing to throw a pill at.
He's already on everything from Ritalin to Rogaine.
We were hoping for something different.
-How about dolphin therapy? -l'm intrigued, doctor.
Tell me more.
Well, dolphins are instinctively attuned to the frailties of humans and blah, blah, blah.
Of course.
lt seems so obvious.
Yes, he's healing nicely.
Maybe l should've fed him first.
Do you wanna go in again, sweetie? No, thank you.
The fact is, almost any kind of animal can be therapeutic.
l pulled this out of a patient.
Boxy and l will be best friends forever.
Remember, hon, nothing lives forever.
But when he croaks, l can use him as an ashtray.
-My little Martha Stewart.
-Bob! lt's a little Scottie.
Oh, my God.
ls he okay? Can l keep him? He'll be my best friend forever.
What about Boxy? He ran away.
lt says here, "When a dog is sick, you should give him lots of space and peace and quiet.
" l know what dogs like.
Well, l've done all l can do.
Come on, Scottie.
You gotta pull through.
You're my best friend.
l know how you feel, Milo.
Before l found my pet clam, l was lackluster and morose.
That's a coin purse.
Oh, life just deals me one blow after another.
Hey, look.
He ate all his food! Maybe he's feeling better.
Yeah! Give him more! He likes the kind that makes its own gravy.
-Oh, Helga.
-What? l had gravy for breakfast.
Hey, hey! Look what l found.
A turtle named Boxy.
Wow, a dog.
Milo, bedtime.
lf he goes for the window, get him with the net.
l'll be behind you with the stun darts.
Bob, if l don't make it l want you buried alive with me.
Yes, dear.
Well, wrap me in bacon and call me rumaki.
Scottie's sleeping.
Wow, that dog has really had an effect on you.
When something you love depends on you, you just wanna take care of it and make sure it's safe.
-Know what l mean? -Not really, no.
But the important thing is you're happy.
Don't worry, boy.
You'll be okay.
Dear God or godlike figure, please make my doggie all better.
l mean, look around here.
You owe me.
When l wake up, Scottie better be all healed or the devil's got a new errand boy.
Praise the lord.
-Where's Scottie? What are you doing? -Burying beer.
Crud, that means l drank gopher poison.
Scottie, you're okay.
Doctor, that dog has made him more hyper than ever.
Well, l could remove his testicles.
That often calms them down.
We were kind of hoping for grandchildren.
You're a real idiot, aren't you? All right, that's darn close to crossing the line.
Look, there's only one real solution to your problem.
You've got to give the dog away.
Give Scottie away? No! But l love Scottie.
l don't wanna give him away.
l know, baby.
Sometimes life really blows.
Can we at least send him someplace he'd be happy? Like, to Alaska, where he could be a sled dog? -He loves to run.
-Alaska? Hey, my roommate in college was an Eskimo.
Operator, give me Klondike 5-01 01 .
Eskimo Joe.
You old whale-stabber.
Damn it, l've been telling you for 20 years, l'm not an Eskimo.
lt was a costume party.
Now, don't call here again.
l don't know what's got into Eskimo Joe.
Maybe Cowboy Mike needs a dog.
We'll find a good home for Scottie.
l'm glad you're being mature about this.
What a handsome animal.
Poor dog acts like he's never seen a woman before.
Here comes the girl with the beak.
-Can l have him? -No.
lt's my boss, Mr.
So, Oblong, where's this purebred Scottish terrier we read about? Hello, sir.
Right this way, sir.
Watch your step, sir.
Why don't you check for polyps while you're up there? Excellent zinger, son.
Pretty, little fluffy-wuffy nuffy-puppy.
Good lines.
Acceptable stench.
Nipple-free undercarriage.
-We'll take it.
-No way.
Son, the Klimers can afford to give Scottie the things we can't.
Big yard, toys, that operation so he can't bark anymore.
-Can l live with you too, mister? -No.
ls it because of this? Why, yes.
Yes, it is.
Milo, if you really love Scottie, l think this is what's best for him.
Come on, Milo.
Cheer up.
Hey, Milo, look.
l can turn my butt into clacker balls.
lt's funny and sad.
Gosh, l wonder who that can be.
lt's a dog! lt's Homeless Bill.
lt's your new doggie.
l'm whatever you want, kid, as long as you keep the horse meat coming.
He smells like pee-pee.
l'm keeping him.
Fetch, boy.
-What are you doing? l'm a human.
-That's what they all say.
That was weird.
l can't go on.
l have to see Scottie.
Here's a door.
l'll just stay here and guard the door.
Scottie! Wow, he's got everything.
l just have a towel on the floor and an old batting helmet to eat out of.
This is what l dream my marital bed will be like.
Except, it will contain a swarthy Lothario with a master's in speech therapy.
Hey, push that box of cow hooves closer.
Oh, God, yes.
Someone's coming.
Goodbye, my Scottie.
l'm glad you have a happy life.
He's such a cutie-ootie.
What's he doing? Oh, my God.
He's making.
Daddy, do something.
l was afraid of something like this, and if it happened once it's going to happen again.
-l've gotta go to the bathroom.
-Bob, you know the rules.
You gotta wait for the woman with the urine caddy to come around.
She always stares at me, and then l can't go.
The heck with it.
l'm gonna piddle like a man.
Godspeed, Bob Oblong.
Oblong, what the hell are you doing away from the line? Well, sir, this is kind of embarrassing, but l had to make water.
Washed your hands, l hope.
Actually-- So, what's going on in there? lmportant cosmetic research.
Top secret.
-You're not Chinese, are you? -No, sir.
Well, if you want, l'll give you a tour, for two weeks' salary.
-Sorry, what was that? -Too late.
Tour's started.
The beaver is ready.
Why are they putting a sombrero on a beaver? l think you have your answer.
Bring out the fez and a fresh beaver.
What's he doing here? My children tired of it, so we're using it to test a new cologne.
lt drives the ladies wild.
lt's making him fall asleep.
Yes, it has a side effect of narcolepsy.
But on the upside, it no longer causes night blindness or anal leakage.
But, sir, l promised my son this dog would be well cared for.
l said, his anus is no longer leaking.
What do you want, man? Can l have him back, sir? My boy really loves him.
Absolutely not.
The science must continue.
Now, back to the assembly line.
Oblong? Will you at least think about the dog? l have to keep this terrible news about Scottie to myself.
No sense burdening the family.
Scottie's being used as a test animal at Globocide.
-Oh, my God! -What's wrong with me? -l have to keep my mouth shut.
-Hey, Dad.
Scottie's being used as a test animal at Globocide.
That sucks.
l did it again.
We've got to keep this quiet.
Where's Beth? l wonder what Scottie's doing right now.
Maybe he's having dinner too or bouncing on his trampoline.
ls this just the regular dinner crying, or is this something different? -Son, l have some bad news about Scottie.
-Oh, my God.
They took his trampoline away.
This may be harder than we thought.
l'm sorry about what happened to Scottie, son.
-l don't blame you if you hate me.
-l don't hate you, Dad.
l hate the company you work for.
We gotta break him out of that hellhole.
Son, we have to work within the system to get Scottie out.
l'm going to go upstairs and begin self-publishing a satirical cartoon strip lampooning this injustice.
We'll start out in the local Pennysaver, build up to the suburban weeklies-- -We're breaking Scottie out, Bob.
-Yes, dear.
Now! God.
Okay, this is what you trained for, sweetie.
Remember, doll-baby, if you trip a laser we all meet at the Yellow Rose in Ensenada.
Team one.
Team two.
Team three.
Trespasser, die.
Knock them down so we can check out their asses.
-Freeze! -lt's okay, boys.
We're the.
-The entertainment.
-What entertainment? lt's me, you idiot.
Look at all these animals.
We have to free them, Dad.
Run! Go! Scottie, wake up.
What's wrong with him? He's sleeping.
As soon, you will all be.
Stupid dog.
Go, Scottie! No! Scottie.
Scottie, wake up.
Look, he must be having a simple, little dog dream.
l missed you too, boy.
Not on the lips, son.
lt's not right.
Come on.
-What's wrong with him? -He's a narcoleptic.
An undercover drug agent? Sure.
What are we gonna do with Scottie now? He'll just make Milo crazy again.
Maybe not.
l've never seen Milo so calm before.
lt's right out of Norman Rockwell.
A Boy and His Narcoleptic Dog.
l wonder what Scottie's dreaming of.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH]