The Oblongs (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

Please Be Genital

Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Jiminy cricket.
Baby, bravo.
-Thank you, dearest.
We aim to please, or as the French say: Eighteen years of marriage, and we've never missed a night.
Or morning.
Good night, my love.
Rise and shine me.
We spent all morning capping pesticides and my Manwich has been gnawed by a rat.
Don't worry, Bob.
l'm springing for lunch.
How about a couple of bouillon cubes? Bouillon cubes? Whoa, Mr.
-What's the occasion? -l'm engaged.
Hey, bouillon cube.
James, you dog.
So who's the lucky gal? l don't know.
She hasn't been delivered yet.
Oh, James, you can't marry a baby.
No, she's a mail-order bride, silly.
l bought her on eBay.
l'm giving her this tomorrow.
lt's one of those cloudy, yellowy diamonds the women love.
James, l'm very happy for you.
l only hope that your marriage is as wonderful as mine and Pickles' .
Thanks, Bob.
Hey, you're coming to my big bachelor party tonight, right? The whole gang will be there.
-What gang? -The one l bought on eBay.
Steve99@xcom, PackerFan@teknet.
Sounds like a super-giant gasser.
Hey, l have some funny napkins l could bring.
Aren't these napkins hilarious? See, the fat cow is labeled ''whole milk'' and the skinny cow is labeled ''skim milk.
'' -lsn't that priceless? -Get away from me.
Good lord.
That woman has no blouse on.
My God.
She's making it worse.
Bob, this is a strip joint.
A what? l thought it was a colonial-themed steakhouse.
Hear ye, hear ye.
Let's give it up for a great patriot, Lady Amber, from the County of Cleavage as she declares independence from her knickers.
Thanks, James.
lt's been a hoot and a half but l gotta get home and scrub off the rank stench of this place.
Please, l beseech you, my lady.
My fair wife wouldn't approve.
Careful, there.
My family jewels are on the first floor.
Miss, your clogs are getting awfully close to my-- That's nasty.
-Well, no sex for a couple of weeks.
-A couple of weeks? My wife and l have never missed a night.
Then what the hell were you doing in a strip joint, you dirty pig? lt's really none of your-- You know, your bedside manner could use a little work.
This ought to gross them out on the lnternet.
Hi, dear.
-Sorry l'm late.
l-- -The captain of the S.
Lovin is on the bridge.
All hands on me.
l'm awfully tired, dear.
Coming on too strong for you, huh? All right, we'll change it up.
Oh, my.
Who is this dangerous intruder in my bed? -Pickles, l'm really not in the mood.
-Not in the mood? l don't understand.
ls something wrong? No, everything's fine.
l'm just zonked.
Good night.
But, Bob.
lt's so quiet in here without the sounds of love.
Kids, l'm gonna ask you a question and l want you to be brutally honest.
-ls Mommy still sexy? -Gross.
-Aren't you, like, 30 or something? -Thanks.
l think you're beautiful, Mommy.
Oh, baby.
You have a pretty mustache.
Dude, you look thrashed.
l didn't get any shuteye.
Except for this one, which doesn't count because there's something wrong with me.
Hey, Bob.
How about a quickie in the broom closet? Gotta get to work.
lt's miniature pizza day.
What's happening to us? Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Thanks for coming with me to meet my fiancée, Bob.
l'm kind of nervous.
James, relax.
Your lonely days are over.
l don't like the looks of that.
-Are you James? -Yes.
This is your wife.
You have six hours to dispose of the body.
Would you throw some rice on us, Bob? James, this coffin is leaking.
My Bob isn't attracted to me anymore, Anita.
Let me get you a drink.
l'm too depressed to drink.
Just give me a beer and a shot.
l'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
-Bob's probably just having an affair.
-What? -Have you noticed any of the telltale signs? -Like what? Oh, like, is he irrepressibly chipper? -He sure is.
-Stingy with the hugs? You know, l always have to hug him.
ls there a bounce in his step? Oh, my God, he has been bouncing.
Take it from me, he's chasing strange.
Well, no one's stealing the love of my life.
l'm gonna follow him.
What was l gonna do? Lord, guard her heart, her soul, her leg, my nameless bride from Winnipeg.
-How dare you steal my husband.
-Me? l'm married to the Lord.
-Hey, l'm married to the Lord.
-Oh, no, you're not.
-Why, you dirty-- -Why, you-- Nun pile! Who is she? l know you're having an affair, Bob.
That's why you won't make love to me.
An affair? That's crazy.
Don't screw with me, Bob.
l bit off a nun's ear.
Now tell me the truth.
Okay, l'll tell you.
l went to James' bachelor party, and a stripper stepped on your buddy.
l'm a filthy pig.
Oh, Bob, l don't care about that.
-But l'm a dirty birdie.
-Yeah, but you're my dirty birdie.
Now, let's never use that phrase again.
Pickles, we still can't have relations for a while.
Oh, right.
Well, we can do without sex.
After all, we have a very rich relationship.
-That we do, sugar lumps.
-l mean, two weeks isn't that long.
Give me sex.
Give me sex! No means no.
No means no.
Okay, kids, we're going to be working with some volatile chemicals today except for you, Milo since the school board has rated you a class-four maniac.
l was just gonna brew up a nice cup of tea.
You know, l don't sleep.
Man, you are butt ugly.
Kids, Milo's made a bomb.
There, there, now.
lt's just my kettle.
The old girl does jabber up a storm.
He's getting awfully fruity.
He's got to get some sleep.
Just not before the crumpets are ready.
Now, now, let them cool, you wee buggers.
Things have been really awkward between me and Bob now that we can't have sex.
l've never had sex where it wasn't awkward.
You have to think back to what brought you together in the first place.
There's that dreamy George Klimer.
Look at that bulge in his shorts.
Talk about a huge wallet.
Hey, look.
That was quite a ride.
l've never seen anyone hang none before.
Yeah, l guess l got some boss moves.
Name's Bobby, but the kids call me Bobby-o.
They call me Pickles.
l see why.
You're quite a dilly.
Wow, you're one of those fast boys.
l'll bet you hop with a bad crowd.
Actually, what l really want is to have a family maybe break into the poison racket.
You know, the American dream.
Trouble is, haven't found the girl next door yet.
Well, l guess you'll have to keep looking.
-Say, do you feel like a malted? -Sure.
Well, you don't look like one.
-You're fun.
l love your culottes.
Anita, do you have a brother? Yeah, sure.
Why not? -President who? -l didn't say anything.
-My bad.
-Bob, what's happening to us? -We used to have fun together.
-We're eating soup with garlic croutons.
-What do you want, woman? -Well, let's go out on the town.
We can call another couple and double date.
The only couple l know are James and his fiancée.
l don't know how much fun she'll be.
She's dead and Canadian.
l know, l'll fix him up.
lsn't line dancing fun? Unfortunately, l lack the two essential things you need to do it: Bolo tie and big belt buckle.
Maybe we can try something l like to do? Way to take it for the team, babe.
-Now you try it, Anita.
-Oh, l'm just going to embarrass myself.
No, don't stand on the plate.
And turn the bat around.
-Aren't you right-handed? -Oh, who remembers? Let's see.
''Waiter, can you put some Scotch in this?'' Yeah, l'm a righty.
This was all a mistake.
Baby, can't see.
A little help? Sweetie, is that you humming? Oh, God.
Bob, l'm afraid we've lost the magic.
This conversation sounds like it could affect the entire course of our marriage.
Let me just check the phone messages, then we'll give it our full attention.
Hello, Oblong.
Hofschneider here.
What's 3 feet tall and has sex? You, baby.
Your two weeks are up.
-Pickles, we're back in business.
-l'm sorry, Bob.
l can't share a bed with you if that's the only thing we have in common.
Oh, Bob, our entire marriage is a sham.
-l think one of us should leave.
-Leave? Pickles-- Bob, please.
l just need some time to think.
-Please go.
-But it's dark out.
l'll be eaten by the neighborhood dogs in minutes.
-Then l'll leave.
-No, no, l'm the man.
l'll risk it.
-Sweetie, the Lipmans' beagle is out there.
-l'll go.
Pickles, wait.
Anita and l talked, we held hands and then we kissed.
Except for this mysterious whisker burn, it was perfect.
You wake up one day, and the love of your life decides you have nothing in common, leaving you alone in the dark shivering, covered with beagle bites.
Yeah, anyway, back to me.
l'm thinking of proposing to Anita.
Maybe you can give me some marriage advice.
Never let a stripper clog-dance near your dingle.
Are there two G's in ''dingle''? Consuela, how do you say, "You're not cleaning mi casa bueno enough"? There is el spot-o on el floor-o.
Klimer, my name is Kathy.
l'm from Ohio.
lf you come around the back, l'll give you food, but no money.
Pristine, we used to be friends.
l was hoping maybe we could talk.
Of course.
Come in.
Have you been crying, or are you just high? A little bit of both.
When things look their darkest, and l'm not sure there's a reason to go on -there's always one person l turn to.
-Jesus? Yes, but he pronounces it ''Jesus.
'' He's the best facialist in Hill Valley.
As you know, yesterday we were savagely attacked by the Oak Street clubhouse who bombarded us with soggy lumps of toilet paper.
lt was a day that will live in infamy.
Our counterattack must be swift and merciless.
l therefore propose we go after them with dog doo on a stick.
-Milo, l want you to scout for ammo.
-Elephant popcorn wing nut.
Chaka Khan.
Chaka Khan.
Get ahold of yourself.
This is war, man.
l'm sorry.
l haven't slept in weeks.
Maybe white noise would help.
You should get a wave machine.
White noise.
Wave machine.
And if that doesn't work, try counting your blessings, like l do.
Blessing one: My clothes are made of Gore-Tex.
Blessing two: l'm starting to bud.
White noise.
White noise.
White noise.
White noise.
White noise.
White noise.
This stuff really itches.
You think that's bad, wait till we get to the ass wax.
-So trouble in the marriage? -How did you know? l knew it would never work between you and Bob.
You're from two different worlds, not like George and me.
We're a perfect match.
This is so great.
l've never been to a real dive before.
Dive? This is the best restaurant in the valley.
My mother ate here every day when she was pregnant with me.
You are so cute.
Pickles, we've been looking all over for you.
We saw you leave with that impoverished little worm.
Pristine, it's right there.
Pickles, get in the car.
We're going back to the hills.
No, l'm staying.
l'm happy when l'm with Bobby-o.
lt's actually just Bobby.
The kids added the ''O.
'' Just shut up.
You're making a big mistake, Pickles.
You'll be sorry.
l like your friends.
Hi, George.
l got your fax about dinner tonight.
-Sorry, dear, no can do.
We'll reschedule for April.
-Love to our child.
-You mean both of them? -Right, there's a boy and a girl.
Gosh, l'm fond of that man.
See, you and Bob could never have a relationship like this.
You know what, Pristine? You're right.
White noise.
White noise.
White noise.
Dude, eating an entire turkey in bed was a great idea.
-Yeah, but won't it make us sleepy? -Not unless we hear some white noise.
Oblong here.
-Hi, Daddy.
-Beth, honey, what a nice surprise.
-My pants is wet.
l'm sorry.
Did you have an accident? No, it's from the lots and lots of water that's filling up the house.
Oh, my God.
Hang on, sweetie.
Pickles, thank God l tracked you down.
Your house is flooding, and the children are trapped.
-My kids! -But, madam, your ass wax.
Well, l hate to see it go to waste.
Honey, you're gonna need a lot more wax.
-Come on, get me out.
Hang on, kids, we're coming.
-l can't open the door to the kids' hallway.
-Stand back.
Stupid old-world craftsmanship.
Help us out! We need to get out.
-We're gonna drown.
Our babies.
We're not gonna lose them.
They're the greatest gift you ever gave me.
Bob, that's it.
That's what we have in common.
Our children, our lives, 1 8 wonderful years.
-Oh, sweetheart, l love you.
-l love you too, Bobby-o.
Help us! -We're gonna drown.
-What's all that racket? -The kids are drowning, baby.
Boys, l think we got enough water here.
Out of my way.
They're saved.
Are you thinking what l'm thinking? Well, as long as the kids are gonna be okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Jiminy cricket.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH]