The Odd Couple (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

London Calling

1 FELIX (into phone): We'll be right down.
Car's here.
Your London internship awaits.
Felix, I can't do this.
Of course you can.
Just remember, women are birds, men are blokes, and a shag is more than just a kind of carpet.
Don't shag any blokes.
No, I mean I can't be away from you for three whole months.
How about this? We can have breakfast together every single day via the miracle of video conferencing.
You can't do that.
That'll be, like, 3:00 a.
for you.
Nonsense! Or as they say across the pond, codswallop.
You're so calm about this.
Just a week ago, you were begging me to stay.
Well, I thought about it, and I trust you and I trust our relationship.
And even though we'll be an ocean apart, I couldn't feel more secure.
Where is she?! Why hasn't she called me? Maybe she met someone! Yes, that's it.
I knew this would happen! (video call ringtone) Oh, hey, sweetie.
There you are.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
I was out until 2:00 in the morning.
Fergus took all of the interns to the coolest pub.
(laughs) That Fergus, what a guy.
Handsome, charming, always blurring the line between boss and employee.
Fergus has taught me so much.
This experience has been amazing.
I can't believe that it's over in three days.
Oh, thank God.
Just three more days until the ceremonial shaving of my beard of devotion.
There's a ceremony? So, what's on tap for today? Oh, I forgot to tell you! This morning, I got a text from Fergus.
Yay! More him! And he is so happy with what I've been doing that he asked me to spend the weekend (voice breaking up) Spend the weekend doing what? Emily, you froze up.
Doing what? Hello? Hello?! Hello? Damn it! Which way is England? Emily, hello? What is going on? Oh, just a nightmare.
That moved in with me and refuses to leave.
I'm looking for a hotspot! You're about an hour late.
Put your hand down.
EMILY: Felix? Hello? Oh, good, you're back.
Hi guys.
That's a pretty scarf.
There's a woman in Camden Market who makes them by hand.
Yeah, because now is definitely the time for scarf talk.
You were saying something about you and Fergus and a weekend? Oh, yes.
He asked me to spend the weekend designing pieces for the fall line while he's out of town! Oh, thank God.
That, um that he is recognizing your talent which was bestowed on you by our Lord, amen.
All right, well, Felix, I should go, but I love you.
I love you more.
No way, mister I love you more.
That's impossible, because I love you so much Sorry, I didn't see that ever ending.
I know.
These last three months have taken quite a toll.
I just miss Emily so much, and I'm terrified of someone coming between us.
We know the feeling.
Not the threesome I was hoping for.
Me neither.
(blender whirring loudly) (blender pulsing loudly) (relieved sigh) - (blender whirring) - Will you stop with the blender? Sorry.
I'm making Emily's welcome home dinner.
I thought Emily wasn't coming home till tomorrow.
A romantic dinner requires preparation.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to tenderize my goose.
You won't have to do that when Emily gets back.
Why does everybody hate high-fives? (faint shouting) Dani, what are you doing? Storing my stuff here.
Now that Emily's coming back, I have to clear out of her place and find myself an apartment.
What about your apartment? I can't go back there, with the high rent and the bad plumbing and the creepy neighbor who spies on me through the bullet hole in the wall.
Well, I'm sure you'll find someplace great.
Not as good as Emily's, with the free cable and the clear water, and is no one concerned about the bullet hole? Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to glaze my strudel.
He won't have to do that when Emily gets back.
I believe you're on the clock.
- Hi, Dani.
- Hi, Charlotte.
I'm off to work.
I'll see you tonight? I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Ooh, big plans? Yes, a little birdie reminded me that it's our three-month anniversary.
So that birdie's boyfriend is taking her to a romantic dinner.
Yes, they're going to be the cutest couple at Langford's.
Langford's? The sports bar where we go all the time? Where you're so comfortable, you've literally worn pajama bottoms? You're saying good things, but in a tone that makes me feel shame.
I just assumed we were going someplace special, given the occasion, but Langford's is fine.
That's right, I mean, let's face it, we've only been going out for three months, and at our age, three months goes by in, like, a day.
"Our age"? My age.
Not our age.
I was just thinking that for me, time goes by really fast, except for now.
Which feels like forever.
This is how walls get bullet holes.
I will see you tonight.
Why don't you wear your fancy pajamas? Ooh, the one with the feet! (video call ringtone) Emily, what a surprise.
I should warn you, if this is a booty call, we are not alone.
I'm calling because I have some great news.
Well, at least I think it's great, and I hope that you do too.
I'm sure I will what is it? Well, Fergus just called.
Of course he did! He calls you all the time! And he's so happy with what I've been doing that he asked me to help him at the big jewelry show in Paris.
And that's tonight? No, it's in three weeks, so I'd be home in a month.
Damn it, the screen froze.
Felix? Screen didn't freeze.
He's just in shock.
Right, Felix? Oh, wow.
Wow, another month.
Whoo! Exciting news, though.
Hey listen, don't you worry about your apartment.
I will get your mail, water your plants, and upgrade your cable to premium.
The Walking Dead is coming back! You know, I was kind of disappointed in that tapas restaurant.
Is that because you thought I said "topless"? No! Yes.
Actually, let's go to your place.
Why aren't we going in? It's Felix.
He's moping over Emily.
I can ignore him, but you'll get sucked in.
You've got a girl heart.
Emily? Oh, sorry.
I heard a woman's voice and thought I might have a reason to live.
Phew! That was a close one.
Let's go.
Girl heart.
Felix, what are you doing? Just because Emily can't be here is no reason to let this delicious meal go to waste.
I thought I could use it to plug the empty hole where my heart used to be.
Plug away, pal! Charlotte, let's go! Oscar! We can't leave him alone like this.
He's in pain.
I wish I were in pain.
That would mean I could still feel.
Here we go.
Oscar! We're staying.
Help yourselves to goose.
I will grab some extra plates.
And yes, Oscar, your Batman fork.
How can you be so callous? I'm just sick of it.
He's been wallowing over Emily for three months now.
He's a wallower, and I will no longer swallow that wallow.
He's a romantic.
Not that I'd expect you to understand.
What's that supposed to mean? I was afraid you were going to abandon me, like so many others.
Thank you for being here.
Well, the vote was a tie.
CHARLOTTE: Felix, have you told Emily how upset you are? Oh yes, and show her that I'm the neediest man in the world? Women love that.
You need to tell her how you feel.
It's just so hard to talk about feelings over the computer.
Have you thought about flying to London? Talking to her in person? What? That's insane.
Who does that? Oh, I don't know, someone with romance in his soul? Who's never heard of a telephone.
That's a great idea.
I could fly out tomorrow morning, surprise her, take her in my arms, and kiss her enthusiastically on the mouth.
I can do this.
I mean, I'm terrified of flying, but I'm more terrified of another month without Emily.
I'm going! Should I pack the goose or carry it on? You know what, they have geese in England! I'll have you know I can be pretty damn romantic.
Remember last night, when we shared that milkshake at Langford's? It was your third one.
You couldn't finish it, so you pushed it over to me and said you had to unbutton your pants.
And that is why I wear pajama bottoms.
Thanks for helping me plan my date.
I really want Charlotte to know that I'm a romantic guy.
You got it.
I'm your agent of love.
Here's what I got so far: put on a suit One that fits.
Good, that's good.
Then a carriage ride through the park, followed by dinner At a place that doesn't serve curly fries.
Damn it, Teddy, you're on fire! Yeah! Then we come back here, I put on a little mood music she loves her Boyz II Men.
That's one classy lady.
Then I'll light some candles and wow her with Oh, Oscar, I'm flattered, but I think my wife might have a problem with that.
No, not that! I need you to help me come up with some grand gesture.
Something that will show Charlotte that I have romance in my soul.
If only I had a way of knowing what women think, what goes on in their brains.
Well, you know, Oscar Not now, Dani! Now I don't feel so bad about taking your toaster.
Why does this have to be so hard? Charlotte and I have been going out for three months.
I thought we were way past this whole having-to-prove- yourself thing.
(laughing) Oh, you poor, magnificent man-child.
I've been married almost 20 years, and let me tell you, you always have to keep proving yourself.
- Seriously? - Yes.
Women need to feel loved and appreciated.
"Romance" is just a fancy word for showing you give a crap.
You should give a seminar.
I'll make some calls and see if I can come up with a romantic surprise for tonight.
Thanks, Teddy.
"Give a crap.
" Well, I'm off to the airport.
Quick question: do you know where my arm is? Maybe you packed it in your suitcase? Aha! What's going on? Hm? Oh, maybe it was those pills that you gave me.
The sleeping pills? I told you to take those at the airport so you wouldn't freak out on the plane! I took them early so that I would not freak out in the Uber.
I'll be all right.
Oh, look, this monkey wants me to take a nap with him.
Felix, come on! You're going to miss your plane.
No, no, can't do that.
Must show Emily that she's worth crossing an ocean for.
I'm not going to make it! Tell Emily I love her more than life itself! I'm not going to England.
I was talking to the monkey.
Felix, I hate seeing you torn up like this.
(knock at door) Somebody call a car for the airport? Felix, come on! You gotta get up and tell Emily how you feel! So nobody's going to the airport? You know what? I guess I am.
Just get some ticket money Ooh, I'm gonna be flying first class! (rapid knocking) Who is it? I should warn you, I'm American, so I'm aggressive and overconfident! OSCAR: It's me Oscar.
Oscar? What are you doing here? It's 3:00 a.
And England.
Felix can't live without you.
You gotta come back to New York.
And can I use your loo? What? Loo.
It's British for "bathroom," right? I don't understand.
It was a really long flight, and there was always somebody in the bathroom, and those signs at the airport can be really confusing.
Not that.
If Felix is missing me so much, why did he send you? Why didn't he just come himself, or I don't know, call me? Are there dishes in your sink right now? Bathroom's right there.
Okay, thank you.
(video call ringtone) Surprise! I am not in London.
What time is it? It's 3:00 in the morning.
What? What's happening? We need to talk.
(toilet flushing) Was that a toilet flush? Is someone there with you? Yeah, that's what we need to talk about! I knew it! It's Fergus, isn't it?! You're leaving me for that scone-munching tea-slurper! Felix, what are you talking about? I never should have trusted you.
First of all, Fergus is gay.
Exactly he's just your type.
And you couldn't trust me? Is that why you sent your lackey to spy on me? What? Oh, man! I didn't think that was ever gonna end.
Oscar, what are you doing there? When I saw you couldn't go to England, I felt bad for you.
So I figured I'd go for you and tell Emily how you feel.
Oh, he just told me how he feels.
He thinks I'm a slut.
I never said that.
Felix, have you seen Oscar? Honey, look where I am! Are you in London? What are you doing? Felix sent him to spy on me.
Oscar, we're supposed to be having dinner.
Didn't you get my text? Uh, yeah, I did.
"Airplane, British flag, watermelon, cactus.
" I've got big thumbs! So you just flew to London? All right, it's a long story.
See, when Felix (voice breaking up) Frozen.
To Oscar's bedroom! And that about explains everything.
Oscar, can you do that again? That's not the first time you've said that in that bed.
Felix missed Emily, and he wanted to tell her in person.
But he couldn't make his flight, so I came for him.
Seriously? I'm sorry I missed our dinner.
I can't believe you did that.
That is incredibly romantic.
Right! Because? Flying halfway around the world in the name of love? It's beautiful! Well, what can I say? I love love.
EMILY: Well! Now that that's settled, maybe I can get back to whoring around.
Right, Felix? That's not what I meant.
Then why don't you just tell me what you did mean? Okay, Emily.
From the bottom of my heart TEDDY: Oscar? Charlotte? BOTH: In here.
Hello! We're Boyz II Men.
Ta-da! You must be Charlotte.
Oscar thinks you're a very special lady.
And that's why he wants you to Close your eyes Make a wish And blow out the candlelight I'll make love to you, like you want me to And I'll hold you tight, baby, all through the night Wait, wait, wait! (singing stops) Where's Oscar? Hey, Teddy! Guess where I am? I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I'm in London! Damn it, Oscar! Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get Boyz II Men here? I sat in the fourth row at your Madison Square Garden concert.
I remember.
Oh, you do not! How could I forget such a beautiful face? Oh! Back off, Boyz II Men! Everyone shut up! Not you guys, obviously, you guys sound really great.
Maybe you could give me some back-up, in fact? I'll make love to you I'm sorry that I didn't trust you.
I guess I was just afraid.
But when you said you weren't coming back for another month, part of me was worried that you weren't coming back at all.
That's crazy! Of course I'm coming back.
I love you.
I love you too, Emily.
If you're worried, I'll come back right now.
No, no, no.
Now that I see how silly I've been, I want you to stay.
I'll be waiting for you when you get back.
Um, you know, we have a show here if you want to come check us out.
OSCAR: Hey, Boyz II Men, get your mitts off my girl! I'm sorry.
I'm taken by my very romantic boyfriend.
Fair enough our job is done.
Uh, hey! Oscar's paying you for a full hour, so you mind swinging by my place? You know any Fifth Dimension? Oscar Madison, you get back here as soon as you can.
I'll be on the next plane.
And Felix, I'll be thinking about you every minute.
I love you, Emily.
All right.
Oh! Only a few more boxes and I am back in Emily's apartment.
I don't know why I'm holding on to these Beanie Babies.
Oscar says he's in the lobster.
I think he means "lobby.
" You know, I'm starting to think it's not his thumbs.
Buongiorno! I'm back from England! Can't help it I love him.
Got something for you.
Oh no, Oscar, you've already done too much for me.
You sure? He says he doesn't want you.
Emily! What about your jewelry show? Paris is the most romantic city in the world.
I didn't want to be there without you.
Thank you, Oscar.
Oh! Hey, Dani, I'm back! Son of a bitch!