The Office (UK) s01e01 Episode Script


I don't give shitty jobs.
If a good man comes to me, says, 'Thank you, David, for the opportunity and continued support 'in the work-related arena, 'but I want to better myself, I want to move on.
' Then I can make that dream come true to AKA, for you.
The point is you talk the talk, but do not walk the walk, vis-?vis you've not yet passed your forklift driver's test.
The man who gives the jobs in the warehouse is a personal friend of mine.
All right? I know you're the man for the job.
Sammy, you old slag.
It's the Brentmeister General.
Have you advertised the forklift driver's job? Good, don't bother.
I've got the man here.
He's perfick.
Has he passed his forklift driver's test? He gives the tests.
Yeah, yeah.
He's first-aid trained, yeah.
We'll get a C.
Over to you this afternoon.
i'm seeing you Sunday, aren't I? For my sins.
How is Elaine? She left you yet? All right.
See you then.
She has left him.
I forgot about that.
David Brent.
I've been in the business for twelve years, Been at Wernham Hogg as General Manager for eight of those, so putting together my team.
Lovely Dawn.
Dawn Tinsley.
Been with us for ages, haven't you? - Yeah.
id say, at one time or another, every bloke here has woken up at the crack of Dawn! What?! Can I have the mail, please? Yeah.
Just a fax.
Dawn, this is from Head Office.
- I know.
There's a special filing cabinet for things from Head Office.
You haven't - The wastepaper basket! Better get that back.
People say i'm the best boss.
C'est la vie.
If that's true, excellent.
Be gentle with me today, Dawn.
- Why is that? Oh, God, I had a skinful last night.
I was out with Finchy - Chris Finch.
Had us on a pub crawl.
El vino did flow.
I was blar tered.
Don't ever come out with me and Finchy.
No, I won't.
You got to go for it.
There's guys my age, and they look 50.
How old do you think I look? Thirty si - Thirty, yeah.
About that.
But i'm going to have to slow down.
Drinking a bit too much.
If every single night of the week's too much! And every lunchtime! How many have I had this week? - What? How many pints have I had if you're counting? i'm not counting.
- Aren't you? You seem to know a lot about my drinking.
Does it offend you? You know, getting a little bit personal.
Imagine if I started doing that with you.
I could come up with something witty and biting, like, 'You're a bit' But I don't because i'm a professional.
And professionalism is And that is what I want, OK? That's all.
That's a shame.
Wassup?! - Don't do that! All right.
What is it, time of the month? Just the eight pints for me last night.
That's all.
Uh Oh, no.
Oh, God.
'Boss and team leader in drunken night out shock horror,' it says here.
It's not like I'm out again tonight with Oggy.
That'd be a quiet night in at the library - not! I don't think.
I'm a sales rep, which means that my job is to speak to clients on the phone about quantity and type of paper, and whether we can supply it with them, and whether they can pay for it.
And I'm boring myself talking about it.
Wassup?! Hey, wassup?! Wassup.
You're fired, Keenan.
Hypocrite warning.
Oh, God.
What's he been saying? It's all true.
Guilty as charged.
Went out with a few of his mates, didn't we? And he goes, 'Tag along if you want, 'but I must warn you, David, they get a bit rowdy.
' I went, 'ill see if I can take it.
' I was worse than them by the end! They're going, 'Who's that nutter?' 'That's my boss.
' 'We can't stand it, we're going.
' They just left! Oh, God.
Absolutely mental.
Resolve! What? Nothing.
See you later.
- See you later.
Take care.
Would you mind giving Maintenance a call? There's a nasty smell in the lift.
Head Office don't really interfere with me, Jennifer might come down once a week, Jennifer Taylor-Clark.
We call her Camilla Parker-Bowles! Not to her face.
Not 'cause I'm scared of her.
I got them off Nobby Burton who comes round with a suitcase.
Two for a tenner.
Yes, please, four.
So OK.
Meeting with Jennifer Taylor-Clarke present.
Right - Shoot.
Anything you wanted to add to the agenda? Did no get an agenda.
Sorry? - Did not get an agenda, no.
I did fax you one this morning.
- Did we get a fax, Dawn? Yeah, we may have.
Then why isn't it in my hand? Because a company runs on efficiency of communication.
You put it in the bin that was a special filing cabinet.
As a joke, yeah.
It's meant to be bills.
Doesn't really work with faxes.
Do you want to look at mine? - Yeah.
Yeah, sure, she'd say she's the boss, but There should be no ego when you're pulling together to do something good.
Yeah? It's like Comic Relief.
Yeah? I'm out here in Africa - I'm seeing the flies and the starvation - and she - if she is the boss - she's in the studio with Jonathan Ross and Lenny Henry.
They're doing their bit counting the money, but their hands are clean, while I'm down here in the office with little starving kids.
Since the last meeting Alan and the board have decided that we can't justify a Swindon branch and a Slough branch.
Oh - No, David.
Don't panic.
Should be good.
Go on.
There are alarm bells.
- No, no.
Don't panic.
We haven't made any deci - Don't panic? We haven't made any decisions.
ive spoken to Neil in Swindon.
ive told him the same as you.
It's up to either you or him to convince me that your branch could incorporate the other.
No problem.
- This does, however, mean that there will be redundancies.
- You see? Did I no want to hear that, Jenny.
Redundancies are a tragedy always.
I wouldn't wish that on Neiis men or on my men or women.
Present company excepted.
Is Neil concerned about redundancies? Of course, yes.
- Good.
Because I'm very concerned.
Although I understand if they're necessary, as a businessman.
Does he understand? - David.
Let's not talk about redundancies.
- We have to sooner or later.
Yes, but now we have to decide if you take on Swindon's people at this branch or the other way round.
Yeah, we'll take on theirs.
- No No.
You and I don't decide.
I decide.
- You do decide but You make your case.
- Based on fact.
Is there a time II'mit on? Let it go onto the machine.
Hl; mate, Not around at the moment, so please leave a mess-ARGE, It's Finch, - Chris Finch.
Bloody good rep.
Got a hangover, you big poof? - Ah, that's derogatory.
You're in with Jennifer today, aren't you? Give her one for me, son, - Ah.
Cheers, big ears, - Awful.
Awful man.
Stop looking up her skirt, David? - I wasn't.
Can we keep a lid on this? I really don't want to worry people unduly.
Under this regime, Jenny, this will not leave the office.
So what does redundancy actually mean? So you'd just go, would you? Would you? - Well, I don't know.
Keith and Jamie are having these little I know.
They've gone mad.
clandestine little chats about being out of work.
I couldn't give a shit.
This is Mr Brent.
Guilty! - All right? Hi.
Ricky Howard from the temping agency.
Verna sent me to start today.
Ricky? - Yeah.
'Ricky!' 'Ricky.
No, Ricky!' What was his girlfriend's name on EastEnders? Bianca.
- 'Ricky! Leave it!' Did she tell you I was mad? Yeah.
She said you had a nervous breakdown.
I haven't had a nervous breakdown.
- That was a joke.
She said you were a good laugh and, you know We all are, aren't we? Part of my job description now.
Let's get you started.
Into the fray! What upsets me about the job? Um Wasted talent, yeah? People could come to me and they could go, 'David, you've been in the business twelve years.
'Can you spare us a moment to tell us how to run a team? 'How to keep them task-orientated as well as happy.
' But they don't.
That's the tragedy.
This is the er Accounts Department.
All right? The number bods.
Do not be fooled by their job descriptions.
They are absolutely mad, all of them.
Especially that one.
He's mental.
Not literally, obviously, that wouldn't work.
Last place you'd want someone like that is in Accounts.
This is the recycling bin.
- Right.
Obviously we get through a lot of paper.
We make a lot! Actually, we sell it.
- Yeah.
It doesn't grow on trees! You know it is pulp, yeah? Yeah.
Mr Davis, can I call you back? Something's come up.
Two minutes.
What are you doing? What? - What are you doing? I'm just pushing this stuff off my desk.
It wasn't on your desk.
- It was overlapping.
It's all coming over the edge.
All right? One word, two syllables - demarcation.
All right? David Brent, I presume! That's just to cheer these lot up.
Send the girls out to get the plants to make them a bit happier.
They can sometimes get a bit It's run out of batteries.
Can we get some batteries for Billy Bigmouth? Take it out of petty cash.
Can't put a price on comedy.
Er You're a twat, Gareth.
A twat and a knob end.
I'm not listening, so it's not offending me.
So you won't hear this.
You're a cock, you're a cock, you're a cock.
You're a cock.
Here y'are, look.
This is the sort of work we're doing.
Does my bum look big in these? It's not sexist.
It's the bloke saying it.
At last.
So All for that.
All for that in the workplace.
Managed to scrape a first in the end.
You've met Tim, haven't you? Hello.
- All right? Oh, careful.
Watch this one.
Gareth Keenan in the area! Ricky, the new temp.
Introduce yourself.
Gareth Keenan, Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
My right-hand man.
I need him beneath me - as an actress said to a bishop! No, he's not.
Tell him about the car and the kung fu and everything.
ive got a TR3.
I bought it for 1,200, done it up, now it's worth three grand.
The profit on that's just under - New engine.
A wreck - ive got some photos.
Oh, what is that?! Whoa, whoa.
- That is it.
Slow down, you're moving too fast.
Solomon's here.
What's going on? He put my stapler inside a jelly again.
That's the third time.
It wasn't funny the first time.
Why has he done that? - I told him I don't like jelly.
I don't trust the way it moves.
You show a weakness, he'll pounce.
You should know that.
What is in here? My stapler.
Well, don't do that! Eat it out.
There's people starving in the world, which I hate.
It's a waste.
How do you know it's yours? It's got my name on it in Tippex.
Don't eat it now.
You can be my witness.
Give him an official warning.
How do you know it was me? - It's always you.
Mad here.
- Can't you discipline him? Ooh, kinky! The thing about practical jokes, you've got to know when to stop, and now's the time to stop putting Gareth's possessions in jelly.
Gareth, it's a trifling matter.
Here we go.
Always like this.
You should put him in custard-y! He's going to fit in.
We're like Vic and Bob and an extra one.
Oh, God.
I'm more worried really about damage to company property.
I'm just trying to think of other desserts to do.
Yeah, it's all right here, but people do sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed.
I like to have a laugh just as much as the next man, but this is a place of work.
I was in the Territorial Army for three years, and you can't muck about there - it's one of the rules.
OK, dude.
Give it back.
- I'm just using it for a second.
It's got my name on it - Gareth.
It says 'Garet' actually.
Ask if you want to borrow it.
- You always say no.
That's why you should ask.
Gareth, it was just there, OK? That's its home.
Leave it there.
Philip, get that off him! I'm going to let this go unless you stop acting like a fool.
Well, you won't so - Well, I have, so What if that killed someone? They'll think you're the murderer.
It's got your name on it.
Why would a murderer put his name on a murder weapon? To stop people borrowing it.
I hate the fact you bring me down to this.
I really resent it.
I don't know why you're laughing.
- Leave her out of it.
You carry on.
Listen, you bring me down to this.
What's that? Popcorn.
Ben Elton.
Funny? - It's all right, yeah.
I had a bit of a scare earlier.
Did you? I thought I found a lump.
I examine myself regularly but It's fine.
Testicular cancer.
Cancer of them old testicles.
What's that? - It's a bit of brie.
From down there? - Mmm.
See you later.
ive just got a complaint from a very important client, saying that the figures I gave him are wrong, and Yeah.
Well, basically, ive checked all other possibilities and it's come down to the calculator.
Well, I don't know.
Circuitry? Who is this I'm talking to? Redundancies.
Now, it is true or not? OK.
- Last in, first out.
I don't know what source your little bird is from All right.
Give me a sum.
You give me a sum, ill try it out.
All right.
Plus 52 equals All right.
That time it was correct.
There's nothing - Be straight with us.
I am.
I'm going to be straight with you now.
I can't tell you at the moment.
I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? But it's the effect he has.
What are you doing? I don't want to have to look at you, Gareth.
You can't do that.
- Why not? Health and Safety.
Why? Crushed by cardboard or what? No.
Number one, blocking out light.
Number two, misuse of company files.
Misuse of files? Right.
This is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me, because if I have to work with him for another day, I will slit my throat.
You won't do it like that though.
You get the knife in behind the windpipe, pull it down like that.
Or I could just apply for another job.
Um Thanks for coming in.
This'll take a minute.
Er Right.
I am aware of the rumours that have been circulating, and I want to put the record straight.
I'm team leader! I should know first.
I'm telling everyone now.
Just tell me quickly.
Just whisper it to me.
Can you just tell us? - Yeah.
All right.
Shall I tell them? - You don't know what it is.
All right.
You tell them with my permission.
I don't need your permission.
Permission granted.
You do as you wish.
Head Office have deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me, and Jennifer is talking of either downsizing the Swindon branch or this branch.
Are you going to let her? - No, Malcolm.
You didn't see me in there.
- For his eyes only! I said, 'Head Office have got me to contend with.
'You can fiddle with Neiis people, but I'm the head of this family.
'You're not going to fiddle with my children.
' But, David, if they do downsize here You think id let that happen? - It'd be out of your hands.
It won't be out of my hands, and that's a promise.
Can you promise that? On his mother's grave.
Well I have promised it.
OK? And it insults me that you have to ask.
It's just that - Sorry.
Dawn wants to speak.
It was just that I was in the meeting with Jennifer, and she said it could be this branch that gets the chop.
Well, if you were in the meeting with Jennifer, then maybe you should adhere to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meeting.
Information is power.
So you can't say whether it's going to be us or them.
This is my ship and ive asked you to trust me, and you can't go wrong.
It's not a question of trust.
- It is, Malcolm.
It is a question of trust.
Do you trust me? Do you trust me? Yes or no? - Yes.
I trust you.
He does.
So Meeting a-journed.
- Good.
id have said much the same.
In fact Can I just ask? Do you trust me? Hands up if you trust me.
- You don't You asked them.
- Put your hand down.
I'm Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
They're gone.
I'm not worried for me.
ill be all right.
But if there does have to be a cull, then so be it.
I mean, that's just natural selection.
In the wild, some people wouldn't survive.
I mean, Imagine a warehouse where a little midget fella is driving a forklift.
He can't see over the top.
He's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals because of his little legs.
Anton's a lovely bloke - don't get me wrong - but should he be working here? Have you got a price for matt-coated SRA1? I can't see you, I can't hear you, Gareth.
Just tell me, will you? - No.
I can't hear you.
Just tell me.
- Give me a ring, OK? It's on voicemail.
- Leave a message.
It's me, Gareth.
I need a price on matt-coated This is stupid! Yes.
This is stupid.
It's so Sorry, mate, what do you want? Er I need a tonnage price on matt-coated SRA1.
ive got 160 here, but I'm sure that isn't right because when I spoke to Glynn earlier on, he Right.
I know you're not there.
Obviously you can't hear that, but I'm not talking to myself because they're filming.
That feels nice, actually.
Do that bit with your nails.
- Sshh! That's no different.
You can't do anything with your hair at all! Oh, no, trouble.
This is Sanj.
This is Ricky.
Hello, mate.
- Nice to see you.
This guy does the best Ali G Impersonation.
I can't.
You do it.
Go on.
- I don't.
You're thinking of someone else.
- Oh! Sorry.
It's not you, it's the other one.
- The other what? Um - Paki? Ah.
That's racist.
No, I don't have a great many ethnic employees, that's true, but it's not company policy I haven't got a sign on the door that says, 'White people only2'.
I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow - Orientals make very good workers, for example.
Do you like a drink at the end of a week? Yup.
Well, this is why we're going out When are you going out? - To have an end of the week drink.
When? - Tonight, hopefully.
Er, yeah Hi, mate.
- Hi, sweetheart.
Are you ready, yeah? - Yeah.
Do you mind if I go out for a drink with this lot? No.
Let's go home, yeah? OK.
ill be a couple of minutes because it's twenty past five.
You should come.
It'll be a laugh.
- No.
You're all right.
We got to get off.
Um What's in the bag? - Tell her ill see her later.
Certainly will, mate.
Take care.
Dreaded first day.
- Yeah.
All right? - Yeah.
All right.
You've seen the vibe.
Chilled out.
Oh, dear.
We work hard.
I mean, we play hard.
Play hard when we should be working hard sometimes, partly down to me.
Um I let them get away with murder and they let me.
The girls love me.
Not in that way.
But, er I suppose ive created an atmosphere where I'm a friend first and a boss second.
Probably an entertainer third.
Hold on! Practical jokes, yeah? Right.
Practical joke.
Don't give me away.
Come in.
And then Head Office said Yeah.
Fax for you.
- Thanks.
Don't go, Dawn.
Pull up a chair.
I was going to call you in.
I need a quick word.
Um As you are aware, there are going to be redundancies.
You've made my life easier inasmuch as I'm going to let you go first.
What? Why? Why? Stealing.
Thieving? - Yeah.
Er What am I meant to have stolen? Post-It notes.
Post-It notes? What are they worth, about 12p? Got your Bible on you, Ricky? - No.
Thou shalt not steal unless it's only 12p.
You steal a thousand Post-It notes at 12p, you've made a profit.
Why would I steal Post-It notes? To make the little things in the end of joints Roaches.
- Caught you, drug addict.
Are you serious? - Yeah.
I can't God ive never stolen as much as a paper clip and you're firing me.
And I don't need to give you severance pay because it's gross misconduct.
So you can go straight away.
Oh, now That was a joke there.
Good girl.
It was a joke we were doing.
Well done.
Settling in.
Practical jokes for the good.
'Thanks for these.
Check them out.
' Better do these now actually.
You wanker.
Come on.
You're such a sad little man.
Am I? Didn't know that.
What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people.
Investment in people.
Yeah? My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profit by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff.
A young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke English, he came to me and went, 'Mr Brent, will you be godfather to my child?' So Didn't happen.
We had to let him go.
He was rubbish.
He was rubbish.