The Office (UK) s01e04 Episode Script


What's that about? Tell me.
Because, at the end of the day, you can say something and then it doesn't mean that you can't ever change your mind.
It's you that's changing your mind.
Fine! But what's wrong with that? Yeah, I feel sorry for Dawn and Lee, If they have to call off the wedding then I'm sure it'll be upsetting now, but in the end, it's for the best.
The thing about long-term marriage is that, inevitably, the sex suffers.
You constantly have to find new and erotic ways of spicing things up in the bedroom.
It's a gift and training.
I mean, you can It's like I was good at it before I was trained, but now I'm trained I'm better than people who weren't good before.
Today's our staff training, I do a couple a year.
This is Rowan, our facilitator for the day.
It's good to get in an outsider now and again.
It helps to keep them sort of interested, you know.
And I'm trained in it.
I have an MBA from Bradford.
I'm trained in it as well.
I could have done this myself.
Let me tell you what today is all about.
I can do that - Well, it's my thing.
It's about customer care, really.
Investment in people - i.
the staff.
Letting them know they are our most important commodity, and if they've got a problem, it's my problem It's like if you're cleaning a floor and you're up against it, then come to me and I'll help us clean our floor together.
So Not literally.
See you in there.
I'm really sorry.
Things will be OK between you and Lee, you know, because you and Lee are going to be together, and he knows that, and if he doesn't appreciate that, he's mad.
If he doesn't appreciate it, I'll marry you! Hello.
You're through to Keith.
I will be at training all day today.
You are.
- No, you are.
I'm snotty.
- You're snotty and lovely.
I'd marry your snot.
Boys - All right, mate.
What's going on? - Nothing.
You're upset.
About Lee, is it? Hey, don't worry, all right? Monkey Alan in the warehouse fancies you even if no one else does.
What was that? Can't say anything when they're like that.
No, you can't.
You can't.
I was doing OK.
What's this Monkey Alan business? Well, he fancies her.
I'm just saying.
She didn't need to know that.
It's Monkey Alan.
The name I don't know who Monkey Alan is, but I bet He's a little bloke.
- I don't need to know.
Go away, please.
Go over there.
I'm Rowan, and I'm going to lead us through today's sessions.
Under me.
As David actually has briefed me and says a lot of this you'll be familiar with, but it's not a bad idea to recap anyway, and I hope a few new ideas will be thrown in.
We're going to start by watching a video - a nice gentle start.
It's a bit cheesy and a bit '80s, but I think a lot of the ideas are still pretty valid.
OK? A good idea is a good idea forever.
Hi, What's the single most important thing to your business? Staff.
- That's right, The customer, A different angle.
These are your profits for this year, And this I's what you're doing to those profits I'f you underestimate the value of customer care, That's not real money.
Do you know why? - He'd be mad to burn it.
It's illegal to destroy or burn anything containing the Queen's image of the realm.
Can we just watch the video? - Yeah.
That's true.
Statistics show that I'f you're treated well as a customer you'll tell five people, If you're treated badly, you'll tell nine, So can you set fire to a stamp? - No.
In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender.
A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.
That'd happen! - If he doesn't, report him.
When I'm walking home.
Get a taxi if you've got enough stamps.
Cash them at a post office.
- Shouldn't have to.
Shouldn't have to.
Here's a typical office, Yeah? Oh, yeah, Awful, I'sn't I't? Yeah? Really? I asked him Excuse me, I'm I'n a hurry, I'm on the phone, God, aren't people rude? I must tell you about George, It started about a year ago Well done, That customer won't be bothering you again, Ever, Let's see what should have happened, Yeah, Yeah, Awful, I'sn't I't? Yeah? Really? You know, I said to him Sorry, sir, I'll be right with you, Sorry, Jean, I have to go, I have a customer, I'll call you back at a more convenient time, All she had to do was acknowledge the customer's presence and end her personal call as quickly as possible, This I's what we call the Customer Care Tree Your prescription will be ready on Friday, madam, Fine, See you Tuesday, So I'f you've put together a crack team, don't let your business get taken hostage by complacency, Make your motto 'Who Cares, Wins', Hey, I know you, Can I have your autograph? Of course, Thank you, Mr Noakes, Very good.
Very good.
OK, then.
That's that.
John Noakes.
They worked together on 'Blue Peter'.
Can I? - She was short-sighted Yeah.
Well, you've all seen the video.
Now it's time for the dreaded role play.
We'll kick off with your leader, David Brent.
David, if you could come here.
Round of applause for David.
No, no, no.
I have done this before.
That should make it a lot easier for us.
Nice and simple to start with.
- Hard as you like.
Well, let's kick off with something easy.
I want us to play out a scenario that highlights customer care.
- All of you deal with people All the time.
- You can all improve people skills.
In this scenario We'll start with something easy.
This will be the wrong way to do it! I'm going to play a very bad hotel manager who doesn't care If it's a Basil Fawlty character, maybe I should do it for the comedy.
Let me just play it now to kick things off, OK? I'll probably bring that to this role.
You've got a complaint.
Come and complain and I'll show you the wrong way to handle it.
So off we go.
What's the complaint? - Just make it up.
There's no right or wrong thing in this scenario.
We'll tell you the right thing afterwards.
You complain.
- Right.
I'd like to make a complaint.
- I don't care.
I am staying in the hotel - It's not my shift.
You're an ambassador for the hotel.
I don't care.
- You will when I tell you.
There's been a rape up there! I got his attention.
Get their attention.
OK? Right.
Some interesting points - Very interesting points.
It's not quite the point I was trying to make.
Different points to be made.
I'm interested in customer care.
- So am I.
And the way we'd deal with - I fazed you.
Maybe I should play the manager as I'm used to it.
I fazed you.
You have a go.
See if you can faze me.
OK? Yeah.
All right.
I wish to make a complaint.
- Not interested.
My room is a disgrace.
- Don't care.
The bathroom's dirty - What room are you in? - There is no 362 in this hotel.
Sometimes the complaints will be false.
OK? Good.
Today is really about all of you getting to know and trust each other.
So what I want us to do is just spend a few minutes Sorry.
Can I have a quick word with Dawn? Dawn? What I want us to do is for everyone to tell me their name and their ultimate dream - their ultimate fantasy.
I'll kick things off.
My name's Rowan, and my dream is to have my own island.
It depends what you mean by ultimate fantasy because time traveis actually impossible Just interpret it any way you like.
If you're talking about anything that could or could not be possible, actually.
Anything that could be conceived of to happen or not, within my realm, you know then probably some sort of everlasting life.
I don't just mean in a spiritual or religious sense, but actually to experience the future and live, you know, on and on and on, and know what it's like to live forever.
I think I'm starting to know what that's like.
I'm saying - No, hang on.
You always have your say.
- When have I had my say?! I've been engaged to Lee for um God!.
about three years.
He proposed on a Valentine's Day.
He didn't do it face to face.
He did it in one of the Valentine's message bits in the paper.
Um I think he had to pay for it by the word because it just said, 'Lee love Dawn.
Marriage?' Which I like.
It's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty.
And don't phone my mum again! Dawn, do you want? - Don't.
Um Gareth, a quick trust exercise.
Ultimate fantasy? Hmm? - We're doing the ultimate fantasy.
Two lesbians, probably.
I'm just watching.
Um Tim? Do you have one? I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth? OK.
Well, this next exercise is all about motivation.
That's going to be a key word today - motivation.
So Keith? What would you say was your motivation for working here? Being part of a team.
- Let him answer.
That's what he'll say if you ask him.
I am asking him and I'd like him to answer.
Do you want to answer him? This job's just a stop-gap, really.
The job's not difficult.
I don't take my work home.
It's brainless.
- At your level maybe.
But, ultimately, I want to play music, write music, play in a band.
Good luck! Been there, done that, bought the T shirt.
Next! You were in a band? A rock band? - Yeah.
What were you called? - Foregone Conclusion.
I'm not sure this is the right time I've got to field the questions.
- David.
What did you do? - Singer-songwriter.
Lyrics man, mainly, but you know, the music came easy as well, so OK.
So, are there any more questions for David? No? Good.
- You didn't give them a chance.
Did you want to say something? - Were you successful? Were we successful? I'll let you judge that when I tell you that we were once supported by a little-known Scottish outfit called Texas.
I get all this, 'Oh, David, you're a brilliant singer-songwriter.
'You're stuck in Slough while Texas are off making all the money, 'and they're rubbish compared to you.
' I go, 'Don't slag them off.
' I say, 'I've been there, I've done that.
That's behind me.
' And I respect The thing is, we're both good in our own fields.
I'm sure Texas couldn't run and manage a successful paper merchants.
I couldn't do what Actually, I could do what they do, and I think they knew it back then.
Probably what spurred them on.
I wrote this.
I only play songs I've written myself.
He went home to get it.
So Good stuff.
Everybody She's dead.
- She's not dead.
What, you? - No.
He's looking at a photograph.
Of you? - No.
Of his girlfriend.
The video would show it.
- Sorry.
Sounds a bit gay.
- It's not gay.
That's brilliant, David.
Really good.
I'm trying to think of other ones.
That's lunch.
- OK.
What, in the name of jumping Jehosaphat, was that song about? I mean, what was that about? What's he doing? What's Warren doing telling people to say please? If you don't know, you don't deserve a job.
After you.
Thank you.
Are you all right? - Yes, thank you.
Are you OK? Forget all about him.
He's not worth it.
I go through this sort of thing all the time.
Although it's usually me who dumps them.
No one dumped anyone.
It was an argument.
Come out with me.
I'll find you a new bloke.
It was just an argument.
Well, I'm just saying.
That's nice.
You OK? Yeah.
- Sit down.
Now, I don't want to pry, but I am aware of your personal problem, and I wouldn't be the boss or the man that I am if I didn't lend some words of encouragement.
This is something I wrote.
I hope it helps.
Is that originally about Princess Diana? Originally.
But it fits perfectly, doesn't it? Not the car crash bit.
Well Your relationship with Lee is a bit like a car crash.
In Paris? City of love.
You're right.
It fits perfectly.
Thank you.
Being dumped is the perfect excuse to do all the things you want to do.
I wasn't dumped.
And, actually, I have been thinking of leaving.
How long have you been thinking of leaving? Who's leaving? - I am.
Well, that's stupid.
You've got a job here for life.
I don't want to spend my life answering phones in some crappy sub-branch paper merchants.
Dawn, you could be answering those phones in Head Office or a better paper merchants.
Why waste her life in paper? Not a waste, actually, not a waste.
Look at Jeff Lamp.
He's 42, he's got a Porsche.
That's from paper.
How long you been thinking of leaving? And are you going to lay down any of those tracks? Well, I've got a lot on one demo from the band days, but they're about ten years old, so if I put them out, I'd have to lay down some drum and bass shit on 'em.
Sample shit.
If you go back on the road, are you going to need any help? Look, I'm sorry to - Hold on.
What? Are you going to need a manager? Well, I'll probably manage myself.
I could be your Assistant Manager.
You could be Assistant to the Manager.
Hold on, man.
We've got a lot to get through and no one's back.
Get them over because Rowan wants to crack on.
Do you want me to discipline them? - No.
Imagine him in a band.
Bald old git.
The glasses would be stupid, so What's the vibe in the second half? 'Cause Yeah.
Not always for this company.
I've worked for Hi.
various companies over the years.
How did you get into doing this? How did you start? Doing what I do? There are lots of ways, really.
Are you thinking of doing it? I wouldn't mind, actually.
It looks like quite good fun.
Does it? - Yeah.
Quite interesting.
This next exercise is all about forward planning and team work.
I'm going to put you into pairs for this.
So um Gareth, if you can go with Tim.
Oh, God! I wouldn't want to be stuck with you in a situation either.
A situation? What situation? Who would you rather be with on a desert island whittling wood and berries? Daley Thompson.
Let me give you the problem.
A farmer - not pictured - has a chicken, a bag of grain and a fox, and he needs to get them across the river, but - and here's the rub - his boat is only big enough to take one item at a time.
I want you to work out in what order he takes them across.
Remember - Five minutes, OK? He can't take the fox first because then the chicken will eat the seed.
He can't take the grain because that leaves the fox and the chicken.
Fox and the chicken together? Bloodbath.
Yeah, I know.
He can't leave the chicken with the grain.
Er, hello? I'm a chicken.
Thanks for leaving me with my favourite food.
I'm saying you can't do that.
How big is this chicken? The same size as a bag of grain? I don't know.
Big chicken.
- How big? Big.
It's a super-chicken.
What's the farmer doing with a fox? A fox is a farmer's worst enemy.
He should drown the fox.
Gareth, it's a puzzle.
It's just a puzzle.
Well, it's stupid.
What are we learning from it? It's just a problem to be solved.
Put the grain on a wall.
- There's no wall.
There's always walls.
- Not here.
There's nothing? There's just a farm and a river? Get his wife to help.
- He ain't got one.
All farmers have wives.
- This one's gay.
Then he shouldn't be allowed near animals.
You'd take the grain next.
- Then the grain.
He's got to take the chicken first, so he can leave the fox with the grain.
Shall I tell them? - No, I'll do it.
They're more receptive to me.
- It's straightforward.
Here's the answer.
First he takes the chicken across, leaving the fox with the grain.
Then he brings the fox across, but he brings the chicken back.
Then he takes the grain across, leaves it with the fox, then he comes back for the chicken.
I'm sure you all got the answer - Easy.
Yeah, but the important thing here is that you were working as a team.
Gareth? Yeah.
Some questions.
I hope that exercise demonstrated that it's vital that every member of a team - Follows a leader.
Well, knows their place within that structure.
Some may be leaders - He knows best, or she.
Whoever is in charge may be - In a team of women, for example.
It may be women or men.
Somebody may be scoring the goals Can't stress that enough.
- Absolutely.
You may not be the person who - Unconditional trust .
is returned in leadership.
It's important that you know your place and that you are supported Maybe we should just move on - Move on.
To another exercise.
What about this one? What do we think might be the lesson here? Dogs? Say what you see, Gareth.
Give a dog a bone.
- He's not Roy Walker, Gareth.
What is it? If we pull together in the same direction, it's better for us all.
They could be fighting.
They're smiling.
In the picture, maybe, but in reality Look, the point here is that if the team is focused on its objectives, and those of the individual members, it's easier for everyone to achieve their goals.
Like the fable.
You know the one when the dog's got a bone.
He goes down to the lake to drink and sees his reflection.
He goes, 'That dog's got a better bone.
I'll have his as well.
' And when he opens his mouth, he drops the real bone and loses both.
And what's that got to do with this? It's what Gareth was saying about if we've got our bones, don't go for other people's bones because you'll lose yours.
What does that mean? Oh, don't you know? I thought it was Bones.
I'm bored of this.
I am so bored.
- Yeah.
So am I.
I don't mean this.
I mean everything.
The job.
Sorry, Rowan, no disrespect.
This is a waste of time.
- I know how you feel.
Let's get on with this.
I can't take any more of this nonsense.
I can't take another boring call about index board at 230 a ton.
- You're a twat, OK? Shut up.
Shut up.
I'll give you my We'll work out my notice.
I'm going.
He'll be fine.
A waste of time.
It was all a waste of time.
Oh, see? Pressure.
Not as easy as it looks.
Sometimes the experience outweighs the Sorry, David.
Now you've split up with Lee, would you like to come out for a drink? I haven't split up with him.
I know.
I meant as a friend.
I did mean as a friend.
See you later.
Go and get the guitar.
I'll probably write a song about this one day.
We used to have a political reggae one called Equality Street.