The Office (US) s02e05 Episode Script


Happy Halloween, everyone! Oh, that's great.
Happy Halloween.
Jan called.
(SIGHS) Okay.
I know why she's calling.
It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month.
(SIGHS) And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile.
SHERRY: Jan Levinson's office.
Hey, Sherry, Michael Scott returning.
Oh, she's in a meeting.
She just wanted the name of the employee you let go.
Well, I'm gonna wait until the end of the day, because the book said it's best to wait until the end of the day.
I just need the name of who you're planning to let go.
I don't know yet.
I will have to call her back.
I know she wanted the name.
Okay, Sherry? Yeah.
If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so that you could still be friends with the person firing you? Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael.
I'll call her back.
I wish I could fire Sherry.
Hey, I'm still here.
I'm sorry.
Hanging up now.
I mean, you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff.
It's I mean, these are people's lives you're talking about.
You wanted me? Yes.
Papier-mache? Yes.
Um Pam, I have to let somebody go today.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why did you put it off until Halloween? Because it's very scary stuff.
I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little.
You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.
So it's a man? No.
Or woman.
A human life.
If you had to guess who it would be based on their job performance and who you think deserves to be fired, who would that be? I just answer the phone.
And sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
Your costume is fantastic.
I know.
I sent away for it in July from a catalog.
PAM: Oh, no.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Oh, man.
Okay, I have to fire somebody.
What is that? What are you supposed to be? I'm the three-hole punch version of Jim, 'cause you can have me either way, plain white Jim or three-hole punch.
That's great.
I like it.
JIM: Oh? Yeah.
Yeah, well, look.
What about me? (HISSING) What are What are you? A monk? I'm a Sith lord.
Oh, big deal.
Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt.
This cost me $129.
Hey, you guys excited about the party? It's gonna be fun.
Oh, and look at you.
Showing your colors.
Don't you wish you wore a dress every day.
What are you implying? All good.
Happy Halloween.
What happened to all of those spooky decorations that we had, the cobwebs and such? Yeah, I don't know.
We put them all up last night.
(SIGHS) Well, you know what? Go buy some more.
I'll approve the overages.
Sound good? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, also, about budget stuff Um I'm gonna need you to find, like, a full employee salary plus benefits.
Like 50 grand.
I'm gonna need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.
But we don't keep two sets of books.
Well, that's not what I'm saying.
Just, you know, find it.
Pretend that your jobs depend on it.
(LAUGHS) Interesting take on Dorothy.
I love it.
Hey, you know what would even be better? A soccer ball and cleats.
Why is that? Bend It Like Beckham.
Oh, like the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer? Yeah, that would be perfect.
Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that.
It'd be funny.
I don't really play soccer or anything.
Well, I don't really have two heads.
So Wait, what are you again? Oh, right.
Three-hole punch! Okay, greatest strength.
Okay, okay.
A dog-like obedience to authority.
But that doesn't sound good.
Okay, okay.
How about the ultimate team player? Dwight is special.
But I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office.
So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.
Com, Google, Craig's List.
We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state.
Preferably Alaska or India.
(WHISPERING) He's a gun nut.
(GRUNTING) (WHISPERING) Sticks to his guns.
Well, I looked through all the budgets and there is one department Yes.
that has three people Yeah.
doing the work that could be done by two.
This is great.
Who do you think it should be? Jim, definitely.
No, Jim brings in money.
Phyllis? No.
Stanley, Pam, Oscar, Meredith, Kevin, Angela.
It's not a popularity contest.
Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because that has the least effect on morale.
One of the warehouse guys.
What? There is someone left off that list? Who? Who is he saying? (GASPS) You're right.
I didn't even think of him.
No, Michael.
Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Not me.
Yeah, I could.
Not Dwight.
I'm not saying that's what he said.
I know that's what he said.
What? Tell him not Dwight.
That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Tell him to stop.
Are you kidding? Quiet, you! I agree.
He'd land on his feet.
Make him be quiet.
Those aren't chips and dip.
No, I made brownies.
(EXCLAIMS) What? I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
I made brownies.
And I made cookies.
Same category.
(SIGHS) I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes, pennies, walnuts Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Just one second.
I will transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott here.
Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice.
Dwight Schrute is amazing.
No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation.
You know what? I'm gonna tell you what.
You hire Dwight K.
Schrute and he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well, then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott personally and financially responsible.
Stanley, could you come with me, please? No.
As Assistant Regional Manager To the? Look, I've got some bad news.
You're fired.
You need to pack up your things and go.
I'm serious, Stanley.
It's over.
I'm sorry.
"You're fired.
" Get your fingers off my phone.
So, how did it go with Stanley? How did he take it? He wouldn't listen to me.
Oh, come on.
If you wanna fire him, you're gonna have to tell him yourself.
I don't wanna fire Stanley.
I never said that.
I'm certainly not going to do it myself.
Get those big baleful eyes staring at me.
Just Okay, just Cumberland Mills? And how did you get my resume? Oh, no, no.
I'm very flattered.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online.
What does it say under martial arts training? Oh, okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that.
Could I have your fax number? Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty.
In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty.
But if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Oh, hey.
Oh, your dress is stuck in the back.
Gotta just Oh.
So you got the fax.
So why didn't you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course, martial arts training is relevant.
Oh, excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ.
Yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence! Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too, and I will see you there burning.
Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision Jim is really talented.
And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer.
Like, for real.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you should go for that job.
Um It's in Maryland.
But, I mean, look at the salary, and it's definitely a step up and a challenge.
You know what, maybe Maybe I will.
This is called leveraging an offer.
Michael, can I talk to you for a moment? Oh, God.
I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits, and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
And I turned it down.
What? That would have solved all my problems.
Out of loyalty to this company.
Oh, you idiot.
So I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
But then you wouldn't have me here.
Big deal.
Oh, it would have worked out so well.
Can you get it back? It's in Maryland.
You could call.
Can you call them? I can't I suppose I No.
(YELLING) They never really made me an offer anyway.
Why are you torturing me? God.
Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire.
I think he keeps hoping that someone's gonna volunteer, or be run over by a bus before the deadline.
But in the end, really, what's gonna happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall.
And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.
(MICHAEL CLEARS THROAT) Can I speak to you a minute? Yes.
Michael, I really didn't mean to Help me.
I'm sorry? I want you to role-play firing me.
I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Oh, you want me to be you.
I want you to be me and I will be Creed.
Oh, are you firing Creed? No, no, no.
That's just first thing Came Can't That head We should switch seats in order to Yes, that's a good idea.
All right? Excuse me.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go.
And it's purely budgetary.
It's not personal (SCREAMING) I'm gonna kill myself! Wow.
I'm going to kill myself and it's your fault! That's an overreaction.
Corporate is really breathing down my neck and they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month Is this you? Are you being you? Or is this Creed? Are you I am This is Creed.
I'm improvising.
So just try to keep up.
And I'm very angry.
Hold that thought.
And I want I'm gonna kill you.
Michael Scott here.
I'm gonna kill you for firing me.
I really have to take this, Creed, so it was really a pleasure working with you, okay? Get off.
Get off.
No, no.
Just get up.
Just, just Yeah.
(SIGHS) What happened? It wasn't me.
Oh, that was, like, crazy, because I was Yeah, I know.
Hey, Creed? Could I talk to you for a second? You are great and very ambitious, and I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer.
And I understand that you'd want to just spread your wings and fly the coop.
What are you telling me? We're gonna have to You want something better.
No, I don't.
I wanna stay right here.
No, you wanna leave.
No, I wanna stay here.
Now, why are you making this so hard? I think there's a misunderstanding about this.
I think you're right.
Can I go? No, of course you can't go! We haven't even started this horrible process of Okay, Creed.
I need to let somebody go today.
They told me I need to let somebody go.
And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're Goodbye.
Let's fight it.
Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.
What old days? What are you talking about? Did you start the paperwork yet? It's right here on the desk, yeah.
You don't have to do this, Michael.
I can't, though.
Undo it! I can't change anything.
This is the way it No.
You have the power to undo it.
I don't.
Okay, just let's not You can undo it.
Michael, undo it! Yeah, I went hunting once.
Shot the deer in the leg.
Had to kill it with a shovel, took about an hour.
Why do you ask? I have to fire someone today.
Okay? Fine.
Fire someone else.
Fire Devon.
He's terrible.
I am so much better at my job than Devon.
Okay, well, I already picked you and you know that, so, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I will forget so fast.
You will be my savior.
You're the guy who gave me my life back.
Thank you.
I knew you'd see it my way, Michael.
God bless you.
You're a fine man.
Don't Listen, you will not regret this, either.
Devon is terrible.
No one's gonna miss him.
Good, good, good, good.
(DOOR OPENS) Devon, could I talk to you for a second? Creed's an idiot.
You know that.
Well, he No, no, no, no, no, no.
You had it right the first time! Well, maybe I did.
Exactly, you gotta go with your gut, man.
(SIGHS) No, I can't No, I can't go back.
I would look like an idiot.
That's why I'm being fired? No.
So you might not look like an idiot? No, it was all the stuff that I said.
It was the business downturn and cutbacks, and You God, this is unbelievable! I just hope that you and I can remain friends.
Devon, wait.
What? Look, look.
In addition to severance and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's from me.
Okay? No hard feelings.
Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp.
If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm gonna be at Poor Richard's.
And the rest of you can go to hell.
(DOOR SLAMS) What about the Halloween party? Oh, hey, Jim.
Wait, stop.
I'm sorry for pushing you toward Cumberland.
Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.
Come on.
JIM: That's just a figure of speech, you know.
Blow your brains out? Come on.
All it really means is that we're friends.
And who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone? Right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out.
Of course, I would take that job in Maryland because it's double the pay and soft-shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.
MICHAEL: I love Halloween.
You know, it's just But it's just fun.
Every year, it's just fun.
Last Halloween, I came as Janet Jackson's boob.
(MICHAEL LAUGHS) It was topical.
People got a big kick out of it.
The year before that I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress.
The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky, and before that I was O.
It was pretty funny.
Oh, I wish you were here last year.
(DOORBELL RINGS) KIDS: Trick-or-treat! Hey.
How you doing? Wow, you guys look great! I'm a bumble bee.
You look great.
And you're a princess? A fairy princess.
A fairy princess.
You're very I'm a lion! You're a lion.
I wanna hear your Oh! Okay, that's all yours.
That's all yours.
Okay! Grab it.
Grab it.
You know what? You guys are getting all of these.