The Office (US) s02e09 Episode Script

E-Mail Surveillance

It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
We have a serious problem here.
All right everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights.
Pretend you're not here.
Are we in danger? There's no time to think about it, this is real.
Just Everybody (KNOCKING ON DOOR) KEVIN: Michael, should I call the What? The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but you guys have these things so password protected That just means you have to enter your password.
What's your password, Michael? Uh That's Yes.
(YELLING) Michael Sorry.
Please don't do that.
Okay, I'm sorry.
What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing? I can't tell you.
You have to tell me.
I don't have to tell you anything.
Look, Michael, (SIGHING) I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, okay? I'm in the best shape of my life.
Look at this.
Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm I'm not going to get or hit by a car Stop.
or a bus or a train.
You could get poisoned, fall down a well, step on a mine, choke.
I'm not Okay, if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, okay? Why don't you just go away? There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees.
His salary, that would depress them.
His bed.
And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.
So how do you search? By keyword phrase.
Try "profits.
" No, try "Michael Scott.
" "Michael," "boss" and "funny.
" Oh, my God.
Wow! E-mail from Stanley.
Stanley, terribly nice guy.
"Sorry I didn't write back sooner.
"I can't go to the game tonight because my boss, Michael, "is an ass and making me stay late.
" Well, Stanley's an ass.
Not one of our harder workers.
Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers? Oh, no! Everybody, Oscar's gone crazy.
What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? I will destroy everything in my path.
OSCAR: Actually, we just (MIMICKING ROBOTIC SOUNDS) Actually Okay.
Oil can.
Oil can.
Tin Man.
Actually, we just got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
What? No, that defeats the whole purpose.
So it's true? You have access to our e-mails? You know what the problem is? I think I do.
The problem is that when people hear the term "Big Brother," they immediately think it's scary or bad.
But I don't.
I think, "Wow, I love my big brother.
" I gotta erase a lot of stuff.
A lot of stuff.
Oh, hey.
Just so you know, if you have any sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.
I know.
Hey! Something just happened.
Dwight just told Angela that she has to delete all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
What? I know.
Do you think that they're, like No.
No, no.
It's like squishing a spider under a book.
It's going to be really gross, but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead.
So if you guys see anything Hey, Dwight? My friend is kind of into these two girls that he works with.
One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short and blond and perky and kind of judgmental.
Who do you think he should choose? Does he have access to their medical records? Um I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records.
As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories.
Yeast infections.
There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county.
Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.
MICHAEL: Meredith has an evite from Jim.
Barbeque at Jim's tonight.
Tonight? Wonder where my evitation is.
Click on guest list.
Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed.
Must be No.
Hey, Angela.
How's it going? Hey.
It's okay.
Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight? No.
Are we supposed to? No.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't think so.
Excuse me.
There is always a distance between a boss and the employees.
It is just nature's rule.
It's intimidation mostly.
It's the awareness that they are not me.
I do think that I'm very approachable as one of the guys.
But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
(CHATTERING) Are you going to eat with us? Of course.
Hanging with my crew, crew that I am one of.
Hanging with my cup of noodles.
This is a meal in a cup.
Right here.
Hot, tasty.
Reminds me of college.
Lived on this stuff.
Brain food.
(GRUNTING APPRECIATIVELY) You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties.
Everybody would go, the athletes, the nerds, professors.
The professors would go to the parties? Yeah.
They were the most fun.
We always invited them.
JIM: It's true, I'm having a party.
I've got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine and I didn't invite Michael.
So, three ingredients for a great party.
And it's nothing personal.
I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, you know, have fun.
And my roommate wants to meet everybody.
Because, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up.
He is very real.
What? Oh, yes! Thank you.
On the Internet, there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight, and I was wondering Could you keep that down? Why? (WHISPERING) Because not everybody knows about the party.
(WHISPERING) Like who? Who doesn't know? Michael.
Why just Michael? Because it's a surprise.
Is it? Oh, that's perfect.
So don't tell.
I won't.
So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.
Really? That's great.
I know.
Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.
Oh, man.
Oh, you know, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on numbers for food and stuff, so do you think Roy's gonna come, or Oh, no, he can't make it.
Okay, cool.
Hey, there.
Almost quitting time.
Yep, it's 4:00.
One more hour to take care of anything you forgot to do.
(CLEARING THROAT) Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if you don't, we could hang out.
Oh, um I can't.
You have plans? Yeah, I do.
Yeah? I do, too.
I do, too.
You do? Big plans.
I do.
Because you just said you wanted Tonight? I can't do it tonight, no.
Improv class.
I have improv class.
Hanging out with my improv buds.
Really? Yeah.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
Oh, it's the best.
It is the best.
I would not miss it for the world.
But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.
Improv sounds great.
It is.
All right.
(MAN COUGHING) What? I think Stanley just coughed.
Hey, Pam.
Do you need me to walk you to your vehicular transport? No, thanks.
All right.
Oscar, got big plans tonight I'm on a call.
Big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to? My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival Okay, all right.
Hey, Angela.
Rushie, rushie! Where're you rushing off to? I'm just leaving for the day.
Yeah, well, duh! Where're you headed? Charity bake drive.
Liar! You are a liar.
No, I'm not! (SIGHING) Dwight! Oh, Dwight, my loyal compadre.
You and I are hanging tonight.
The two of us.
We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood.
You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch? That stupid Battleship Galaxy.
Battlestar Galactica.
That's Whatever stupid show you want to watch, we're watching it.
I can't tonight.
Unfortunately, I've got plans.
I have to go to practice.
Soccer practice.
I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.
You, too, Dwight? Have fun tonight, whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday.
(WHISPERING) He has no idea.
Quick announcement, everybody, if I could have everybody's attention.
We do have wine in the kitchen and there is beer available on the porch.
And despite what you might think it's not all for Meredith and Kelly.
So please enjoy.
You really think this is a good idea? A hide-a-key rock? Hey, you must be Dwight.
You don't work with us.
That's because Mark's my roommate.
Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.
Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions.
(WHISPERING) Jim, come here.
When is the guest of honor coming? Oh, laterish.
He's gonna love it.
Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised.
Just in time.
Do you wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.
Well, the group tour is now leaving then.
Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we're going to be pointing out to you today.
You will be able to see both bedrooms and if we're lucky, maybe you get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows? I have to remind you also that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things.
I know you might want to.
Hey, is Katie coming? Actually, I haven't talked to her in a while.
It's off? Is it cool if I call her? We can talk about that later.
Okay, let's get right into it.
I need two people for the first scene.
Kotter! Mr.
Kotter! Okay, Michael and Anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Okay.
Come on.
Okay, so you start us off, Mary-Beth.
All right.
(SINGING) Detective Michael Scarn! I'm with the FBI! Think about this.
What is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies or in real life? Somebody has a gun.
That's why I always start with a gun.
Because you can't top it.
You just can't.
I'm supposed to meet my doctor here.
Have you seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI! You know what you did.
(IMITATING GUN FIRING) Yeah, you thought you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't you? Well, you didn't, because I know where you hid the diamonds.
I've been onto you and your little friends for weeks.
Boom! Boom! Boom! I'm not even in the scene! Boom! Boom! Boom! Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay.
You shot me, okay, great.
What? Why? You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene you would have seen where it was going.
Okay, what about the scene they set up? Boring.
No, it wasn't.
No more guns.
It could've No, no, Michael.
Why don't you give me all the guns you have? Just get rid of all your guns and give them to me.
Jim's bedroom.
See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour.
It's Cool.
This is your desk? This is my desk.
Your home office? Home office.
This is it.
You have to sit down, so I can get the full effect.
Okay, sure.
Will do.
Okay, wait.
So that would make me, like, right here.
Yeah, yeah, that feels about right.
And then, Dwight would be, like You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place.
Happy thoughts, Pam, happy thoughts.
(GASPS) Yearbook.
Yeah, you don't have to All right.
Yes, that's not going to be awkward at all.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
You were so dorky.
Thank you.
CHRIS: Freeze.
I'm in.
Do you want to go over the rules one more time? No, no, no, no! I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
I promise it's worth it.
I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
What are you Michael, what did you tell him? Nothing.
Then why are his hands up? Bill? He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
(SIGHING) Okay, let's call it a day.
Nice job.
That was good.
Good work, everybody! Angela! Burger? Dog? Having fun? I got sap on me.
Chicken, hotdog, burger.
I'm a vegetarian.
There is soda inside.
I didn't think the premium laser color-copy batch would sell as well as it did.
It surprised us all.
I'll tell you why, because I'm sorry, guys.
Can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else that we could talk about.
(CLEARING THROAT) ANGELA: I think it's all right.
I mean, Jesus drank wine.
Hey, Phyllis.
Come here for a second.
Have you heard anything about any secret office romances or You tell me.
You do mean you and Jim, right? Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, I thought, you guys hang out all the time, and you're talking all the time And I'm sorry.
I Oh, it's okay, it's okay.
Not so fast, fire guy How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here? Don't worry, we're all gonna carpool.
To Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? Sorry, we're not going as a group.
It's just a private friend who happens to know all of us from different ways, is throwing a private birthday thing.
Right, right, right, right.
Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but you know what? I have an office party.
Big office party I need to go to.
Can't get out of it.
Hey, see you later.
Good job.
Nice job, Bill.
(SINGING ALONG WITH KARAOKE) Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known Oh, hey, how's your little side project going? Oh, yeah, I gave that up.
Really? Yeah, it turns out I was just grasping at straws.
Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together.
You know, like, people can just be friends.
And I think that it was really unfair of us to assume that there was anything else going on.
(SINGING) Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore and I got all my Surprise! Everybody! Wow.
Who opened the morgue for this thing? I was just driving by, I thought I'd drop in.
There's some wine.
I would love a glass, if you're going to open it.
Hello, temp, take my jacket.
(MICHAEL LAUGHING) Oh, come on, that guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist.
Karaoke, I love it.
I am a karaoke fiend.
I call dibs, I got next.
I got next up.
Come on, let's get this party started! Okay, where is that wine? Okay, this is a duet, so, (ISLANDS IN THE STREAM PLAYING) I need somebody else.
Pam, you wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else.
Takers, please.
(SINGING) Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown Kelly? I tried to get you with a fine-tooth comb I was soft inside There was something going on This is the part, it goes to the girl.
(HIGH-PITCHED TONE) You do something to me that I can't explain Hold me closer and I feel no pain Every beat of my heart We got something going on Tender love is blind It requires a dedication All this love we feel needs no conversation Divided together Making love with each other MICHAEL: We're making love! Islands in the stream that is what we are No one in between How can we be wrong Sail away with me Talk! Just talk! I Shut up! Funny story.
The way I got into improv was I got into improv The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says, "Hey you're funny.
You're the funniest guy I've ever seen, "or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.
" And that was an improv.
The real way was that I found a flier.