The Office (US) s02e17 Episode Script

Dwight's Speech

Let's think this through.
If we ask corporate for that, then They are either gonna say yes or no.
MICHAEL: Could go either way.
We don't know what they are going to say.
Think it through! We have to think it through! Because, if they say no Can we not? No Yes, we have to.
You know why? 'Cause I don't like to be cooped up in that office.
In that box, all day long.
Heisman! Because I need to think, okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin! Ooh! (MICHAEL LAUGHING) Nice catch.
(EXCLAIMING) Oscar! Intercepted.
Right here.
Give it to me.
Sorry about that.
Phyllis, give me the ball.
Okay, give me the ball.
Give me MICHAEL: You guys Oh, cool.
Creed, give me the ball, right now.
Give it to me.
(SHOUTING) DWIGHT: Fumble! (GRUNTING) MICHAEL: Listen All right, hey, Dwight Whoa! DWIGHT: Hike.
MICHAEL: You all right, Ryan? Ryan? Yeah.
Pam! Oh, they're having a sale on TiVo.
Maybe I should get a TiVo.
DVD burner.
Maybe I should get one of those.
You are so lucky, Jim.
You're so lucky you don't have this problem.
What was the ninth-place prize again? A loaf of bread? A Cugino's Pizza.
Oh, great.
Tasty, terrific pizza.
Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs? JIM: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company.
He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention.
It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-based mid-sized paper company regional salesman can attain.
So What did I do to deserve this? PAM: Are you sad that Dwight beat you? No.
Are you gonna cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue? Hey.
I heard you got a wedding dress.
Do you have pictures? PAM: Oh, I Yeah.
I'll show them to you later.
Oh, I should get back.
Talk to you guys later.
Okay, cool.
I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding.
And I have to do it in the office.
And that can be kind of awkward.
Just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff and I just I don't want to offend Angela or someone.
That's what she said.
I don't get it.
Grapes, seductive.
So, you ready for the big speech this afternoon? Well, it's not really a big speech.
You're still coming, right? Oh, abso-fruitly.
Fruit, grapes.
Nailed the joke.
Matter of time.
And yes, it is a big speech.
Biggest of your life.
Speaker at the sales convention.
Been there, done that.
Went there again, did it again.
Two years in a row.
I just I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because somebody gives you proof of it.
"Sir, you're awesome.
Here's a plaque.
"What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? "Here's a certificate.
" They stopped making plaques that year.
What if I give a really long, extended thank you, for instance, "Thank you, Mr.
Thank you very, very, very" That would look terrible.
These are mostly salesmen, and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.
When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee.
It was me against Raj Patel.
And I misspelled in front of the entire school the word "failure.
" I can't do this.
That's because you're incapable of doing it, because you don't know how, because you have no skills.
Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
Oh, okay.
But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company.
Okay, deal.
I'll do whatever you say, no questions asked.
Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.
I'll try and think of one.
When Don't try to think of a question to humor me.
Just try not to be such an idiot.
Is that an insult, or is that part of the public speaking advice? Insult.
PAM: Mom, I'm sorry, I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations.
Well, if you really want my opinion JIM: Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents? I'm gonna take a trip.
I'm gonna get out of town for a while, and go someplace not here.
Where do I want to go? That is an excellent question.
And one I probably should have thought about before I called you.
OSCAR: I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat.
I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees.
I'm more productive.
Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do.
But I don't care.
But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? A saleswoman has a vagina.
It's a joke, Dwight, it's not a sex ed class.
But I'm right.
Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke.
All right? The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman is boobs.
Hey, do you remember the speeches that you gave? I do, both of them.
Could I have a copy of one of them? No, no, they would remember.
Look, it doesn't matter what you say, it just matters that you're saying something that people care about.
You know? All right, here we go.
Watch this.
Attention, everybody! Attention, please! I have some very great news from corporate.
We had a wonderful quarter.
And as a result, all of you are getting bonuses for $1,000.
Yeah! MICHAEL: Congratulations.
PHYLLIS: Unbelievable.
OSCAR: It's great.
PAM: Wow.
You see that? You see how they responded to me? That's amazing.
In that moment, I had them.
That is so great about the bonus.
No, no, it's not true.
I was just talking.
So just go out there and say anything.
They'll eat it up, they're a great audience.
Go ahead, get the wallpaper.
Wallpaper the ceiling if you want Excuse me! May I have your attention, please? There has been an accident on 84 West.
Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing.
Several cars have flipped, there is broken glass everywhere, several people are injured.
Do we know anyone who was in the accident? Brad Pitt.
Also, there will be no bonuses.
Why would this affect our bonuses? They're unrelated.
Is Brad okay? He will never act again.
Also, this branch is closing.
What the hell's going on here? Are we out of jobs? Yes.
KELLY: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
He was kidding! Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny and it was just horrible STANLEY: Michael? Yeah? You said we were getting bonuses.
All right, everybody in the conference room now.
Let's go.
Let's do it! STANLEY: Cancel the wallpaper.
As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can, and did, twice.
You saw the plaque, right? All right, we're all gonna go around the room, and we're going to make toasts.
And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.
You mean toastmasters? MICHAEL: Pam! I'm public speaking, stop public interrupting me! Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Yeah, the bride doesn't really do Have you ever been to a wedding? JIM: Can I go? Yes, good.
Jim taking the initiative.
So, I am going on a trip.
But I'm not really sure where I'm going yet.
It's kind of open-ended.
So, I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions.
You should go to Hedonism.
What is that? It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.
I was thinking more like Europe or something like that, but good second choice.
TOBY: I've been to Amsterdam.
Oh, okay, you know what? That's not a toast, you're not standing up.
To Amsterdam.
When did you go there? After my divorce.
JIM: Really? Yeah.
JIM: For, like, how long? About a week, or maybe a month.
I can't Jimmy, listen to me, you do not wanna go to Amsterdam, trust me.
Where do I wanna go? I'd send you to Hong Kong.
I'd like to say hi to my friends in China.
Dwight, show us what you have learned today.
Good morning, Vietnam! ALL: Oh, God.
Okay, you know what, this isn't working, because I'm not nervous in front of them.
They're my subordinates.
No, we're not.
Yes, you are.
I'm assistant regional manager.
Which means absolutely nothing.
Michael, can you explain? Well, it's mostly made up.
So MICHAEL: Dwight is not going to do a good job.
It's sad.
And they're expecting excellence, because I did do such a good job.
Two years in a row, I killed.
It was amazing.
Confidence, Dwight! Dwight.
If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? I can travel anywhere except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk The Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor, and then I will hike Mount Doom.
So now, just leave me alone.
I was just trying to get some advice on my trip.
Oh, please.
You're not taking any trip.
You know, I majored in Public Speaking in college.
You did? Mmm-hmm.
And the first thing that they teach you is that you've gotta be true to yourself.
And you are all about authority.
I am.
The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers, they were people of passion.
So, if you wanna do well today, you gotta do what they did.
Which is? You've gotta wave your arms, and you've gotta pound your fists many times.
You're supposed to emphasize your point.
Okay, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking.
But I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators.
Like this one, originally given by Benito Mussolini.
Okay, look, I know you're giving this speech on your own, but I wrote up a few talking points for you to take a look at.
I hope you don't mind.
I'll glance at it.
It's time, Dwight, the Grim Reaper is here.
The very best of luck to you, Dwight.
Thank you, Angela.
Why'd you pick the V.
For the reception? Roy has a connection.
It's nicer than you think.
You're inviting Jim? Of course, he's one of my closest friends.
DWIGHT: All right.
You ready? Here we go.
It's a little bit bigger than I remember.
MICHAEL: Come on.
We're down here in the front.
You all ready for this? (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) I am just feeling under the weather, and I think that I will go home and rest.
I've never, ever seen you take a sick day.
Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us.
Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin salesman of the year, Dwight Schrute! (WHISPERING) Dwight, they called your name.
Dwight, how we doing? No.
I can't.
Okay, you know what? I can't.
You know what? Okay no, no problem.
You are lucky you have me here.
I'm going to cover for you.
All right! Good morning, Vietnam! I am not Dwight Schrute, not at all.
I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss.
And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence.
What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature.
And one would be humor.
What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? I always set it at 69.
Maybe we'll use a DJ.
That's the one thing Roy is in charge of for this wedding, but all he's managed to do is set a date.
But he did a great job.
June 10th is perfect.
I want a June wedding.
I've always wanted one.
Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married? Actually, I don't see ever getting married.
Ryan, you should be more sensitive.
It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just I know what I said.
I'm very sorry, I did not know that you were wearing a hearing aid, and I just thought you were speaking abnormally.
And now, the black guy from the Police Academy movies, a robot.
(MIMICKING ROBOT) Michael Winslow.
Anyone? Car starting.
(MIMICKING CAR ENGINE REVVING) All right, Dwight Schrute, everyone.
Good luck, that is a tough crowd.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) (DWIGHT CLEARING THROAT) Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment, as a child, when we realized that the world could be conquered.
It has been a lifetime struggle, a never-ending fight! I say to you, and you will understand, that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you, once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! Yeah! Yeah! I've got a timeshare in Key West that might be available.
You really think you're gonna go? Yeah, I'm definitely going.
Send me a postcard.
RYAN: Jim has worked at the same place for five years.
Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich every day for lunch.
I don't know, if I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.
No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! DWIGHT: Some people will tell you "salesman" is a bad word.
They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door-to-door charlatans.
This is our duty to change their perception.
I say, salesmen and women of the world, unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together Together that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is ALL: Together that we prevail! Australia? I have always wanted to go there.
I'm going.
I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor, but, other than that Yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable.
That's awesome.
Where are you staying? I don't know.
I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details, but When are you leaving? I'm leaving on June 8th.
And I'm really sorry about that.
I just Yeah, that's too bad.
Do you want me to take these on my way out? It's okay.
I got it.
All right.
Okay, thanks.
There you are.
What happened? I got thirsty.
How'd it go? It was amazing.
I wish you would have been there.
You would not believe what happened here.
What? Something happened? This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink.
The bartender asked for her ID, which I thought was odd, because I pegged her at, like, 35.
Yeah, really weird.
So, she's like, "I don't have my ID, please give me one.
" And he's, like, "I can't do that.
I can't serve you.
" Con artist.
She might have been.
So she says, "Fine.
I will go to my room, I will get my purse, "I will come back, I'll show you my ID.
" She hasn't come back yet.
She's probably in the room, drinking from the mini bar.
MICHAEL: Right? MICHAEL: Dwight gave a great speech.
That's the word on the street, anyway.
And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar story.
So I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys.
Can you believe that? A thousand guys.