The Office (US) s03e01 Episode Script

Gay Witch Hunt

Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore.
I got Jim's old job, which means at my 10-year high school reunion, it will not say, "Ryan Howard is a temp.
" It will say, "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate "at a mid-range paper supply firm.
" That'll show them.
You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
Me, too.
I think we're just drunk.
No, I'm not drunk.
Are you drunk? No.
You're really going to marry him? Okay.
Jim is gone.
He's gone.
I miss him so much.
I cry myself to sleep.
I do not miss him.
That is the fun of this place.
I call everybody faggy.
Why would anyone find that offensive? Okay.
I think Oscar would just like it if you used lame or something like that.
That's what faggy means.
No, not really.
Apparently you called Oscar faggy.
For liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.
It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard.
All right, Michael, but Oscar's really gay.
I mean for real.
Yeah, I know.
He's attracted to other men.
Little too far.
Crossed the line.
I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual.
He told me this morning.
And obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.
I would have never called him that if I knew.
You don't call retarded people retards.
It's bad taste.
You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.
And I consider Oscar a friend.
Listen, man, I am so sorry.
I had no idea.
Oh, it's fine.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
No, it's not.
I just I feel terrible about it.
I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake.
If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way.
You know? I'm just I I can't even imagine the thing Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me how you do that to another dude.
That sounds like a great, wonderful idea.
Let's do that.
It explains so much.
I'm not gay.
And I don't understand why anyone would think that I'm gay if Yeah, I'm gay.
I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable.
Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious.
I got promoted.
And you can't beat that view, right? Hey, Big Tuna, you're single, right? Yeah, I am.
Pretty hot, huh? She's completely crazy.
Steer clear, Big Tuna.
Head for open waters.
I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so Andy started calling me Big Tuna.
I don't think any of them actually know my real name.
Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know, cut your throat to get ahead type of guy.
But, I mean, I'm not threatened by him.
I went to Cornell.
You ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time and I sang in the a cappella group Here Comes Treble.
So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy freshener because of some more problems at the Scranton branch.
And I have a list of business start-ups I got from the chamber.
I am going to need someone to cold call them.
Oh, I can do that.
Jim's nice enough.
I don't know how well he's fitting in here.
He's always looking at the camera, like this.
What is that? Can you tell who's gay and who is not? Of course.
What about Oscar? Absolutely not.
Well, he is.
Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so There could be others.
I need to know.
I don't want to offend anybody else.
You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.
I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe.
She could be a gay woman.
I really don't think so.
I don't know.
I can imagine her with another woman, can't you? Do some research.
Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.
Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.
That's ridiculous.
He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Let's call him and get the website.
What's gaydar? Oh, oh, gaydar, yes! No, I think they have it at Sharper Image.
Oh, you know what? I can check for you.
No problem.
It's sold out.
Sorry about that.
That's a bummer.
They're sold out.
I'll try Brookstone.
I miss that.
Chicken or fish? Chicken.
So, you having a good day? Excellent.
I'm glad.
Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding.
I got cold feet a few days before, and I can't really explain it.
I just had to get out of that relationship.
We still had to pay for all the food, so we froze it.
But I'm doing well.
I have my own apartment and I'm taking art classes.
And I have lunch for the next five weeks.
After Pam dumped me, I kind of stopped taking care of myself for a while there, and I hit bottom when I had a drunk driving arrest.
Yeah, I've been working out and, you know, I'm not going to take her for granted.
I got to win her back.
I got them a toaster.
They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me.
I tried to return the toaster to the store and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster.
So now my house has got two toasters.
It is so cool that you're gay.
I totally underestimated you.
Yes, I am super cool.
I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company in Scranton.
Much like Sir Ian McKellen.
Sure, sometimes I watch Will & Grace and I want to throw up.
It's terribly loud.
I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr.
Is on.
He's so talented.
Okay, who put my calculator in JELL-O? Good one.
But, seriously, guys, who did this? Seriously, guys.
Who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in JELL-O or I'm going to lose my freaking mind! You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you can be so obtuse about sexual orientation.
I watch The L Word, okay? Good.
I watch Queer as so That's not what it's called.
Okay, Michael, are you aware that you outed Oscar today? What? What does that even Coming out is a significant moment for a gay person.
And they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.
Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade.
It's not, like, gay shame festival.
All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and that's your fault.
I think Angela might be gay.
Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? No! Maybe.
Is that what this is about? No.
It's not possible.
I don't Anything's possible.
Okay, you know, imagine you were gay.
Well, I'm not gay, Jan, and you should know that better than anybody.
Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit, which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now.
Do you understand? I know.
The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.
Am I the first gay man you ever knew? Trick question.
'Cause you can't always tell, so how would I know? Was that the right answer? Yup.
Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.
Michael knows, Pam, okay? He asked me to do this just for him.
He has his own reasons.
Nothing wrong with this stuff at all.
This is fine.
You know what? Gay porn, straight porn, it's all good.
I don't particularly get into this but, you know what, I totally see the merit.
And actually, it is quite beautiful.
Oh, damn pop-ups.
What are you doing? Watching some of your friends.
This is stupid.
Excuse me.
Don't touch me! Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop it! All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian or overweight, just get in here! Right now! Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up, it meant lame.
And now it means a man who makes love to other men.
We're all homos, Homo sapiens.
Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are What? people.
I mean, anybody can be gay.
Businessmen, like antique dealers, or hairdressers or accountants.
Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out to everybody here however you want to do it? Go ahead.
Stand up.
I'm doing this for you.
Yes, I'm gay.
And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever.
Can I sit down now? I'm not offended by homosexuality.
In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in.
There would be no way of knowing.
Who should be the judges and juries of our society? Judges and juries.
That's a good point.
She has a good point.
Because gay marriage currently is not legal under U.
I bet a lot of straight men wished that applied to them so they could go out there and have some torrid, unabashed monkey sex as much as they could.
You know? Sounds pretty good, right? That sounds great.
Yeah, Dwight.
I think all the other office gays should identify themselves or I will do it for them.
No one else in this office is gay.
What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine.
I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
You are? No way! Congratulations, Phyllis.
When did you get that? That's great.
Congratulations, Phyllis.
That is great, and frankly, kind of amazing.
See? Everybody has a chance.
Thank you.
But, still Phyllis, in college, did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do.
No, and you knew me in high school.
Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school.
And I take that as a compliment.
Well, with your ties and your matching socks Well, I just like to look good, okay? So You sound pretty defensive, Michael.
I am just coming out myself.
I am coming out hetero! I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.
The only signal that I am sending is gay good! Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen.
I would be leading the parade covered in feathers and just I'd be waving that rainbow flag.
I don't think I can work here any longer.
This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.
You misunderstand Okay.
All right You know what? Okay.
I'm going to put my money where my mouth is.
You ready? What are you doing? I am going to embrace Oscar.
You might want to watch us, Angela, because you can't catch anything.
Here we go.
We are going to make a statement.
You and I are going to make a statement together.
Oscar is my friend.
I'd rather not.
And I just don't care who sees it.
Doesn't bother me.
Really, I really would rather not.
Come here, friend.
I'd really rather not.
You're my friend.
No! No! I don't want to touch you.
Ever considered that? You're ignorant and insulting and small.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Michael, I'm sorry.
That was a good idea.
Come on.
Come on.
All right.
I'm sorry I called you faggy.
I know.
I know.
You're not faggy.
I know you are.
You're a good guy.
You, too.
Michael appears to be gay, too.
And yet he is my friend.
I guess I do have a gay friend.
You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes.
You don't I want you to watch this and I want you to burn this into your brains.
I don't think we need to do this Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come.
Whenever you come into the office, I want you to think about this.
We don't need to.
Yes, we do.
What? I did it! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
See, I'm still here.
We're all still here.
Oh, come on, Dwight! Come on, man! We are not in the playground anymore.
There are new rules.
We have to be mature, but we can't lose the spirit of childlike wonder.
What is love anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules.
Like me and Jan.
Or Oscar and some guy.
Life is short.
When two people find each other, what should stand in their way? It is very easy for you to be a hero.
All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
I'm glad if today spurred social change.
That's part of my job as regional manager.
But, you know what, even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed.
That's what she said.
Or he said.
Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate.
I wonder if he knows.
I was going to quit, but Jan offered me a three-month, paid vacation and a company car.
All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue.
Gil and I are going to Europe.
Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.
"Hope this helps.
" Nice.
What are you doing? Don't be scared.
It works.
Oh, no.