The Office (US) s03e03 Episode Script

The Coup

I'm hungry.
Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is Varsity Blues.
Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Take a seat down there.
Second from the end.
All right.
Everybody here? Yes! Popcorn, anyone? Yes, please! Thank you.
Anyone else? No.
Movie Monday started with training videos.
But we went through those pretty fast.
Then we watched a medical video.
Since then, it's been half-hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.
Kevin? Would you like to do the scenes from last week? Yes.
Why him? Don't whine.
Get the windows.
Previously on Varsity Blues Okay, Billy Bob got a head injury, but Coach made him play.
So then Lance, he gets sacked and he's out for the year.
Hello? Not everyone approves of Movie Monday.
I won't say who.
I don't approve.
I don't.
Hello? Let's go after that title now.
Let's go, let's go! Let's go! Hi, Jan.
Hope you brought the Milk Duds.
How would a movie increase productivity, Michael? How on Earth would it do that? People work faster after.
Magically? No.
They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Do I need to hire a babysitter for you, Michael? Kitchen.
Some little 14-year old girl whose job it is, is to limit Michael is going to get us all fired.
You sat back and let him play that dumb movie and now Jan is peeved off and we're all going to lose our jobs.
That's not going to happen.
You know she has it out for him now! That's not his fault! He had to follow his heart.
Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carole, Jan's been bitching out on him.
Reject a woman, and she will never let it go.
One of the many defects of their kind.
Also weak arms.
Dwight, you should be running this office.
Michael would never let me.
It's not up to Michael, it's Jan's call.
Talk to her.
I could never do that.
Fine! Sit back and do nothing and let us all get fired.
I know that patience and loyalty are good and virtuous traits, but sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair.
At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II videogame called Call of Duty.
And they're all really into it.
I'm told that it started as a teambuilding exercise.
Unfortunately, I really suck at it.
We didn't play many videogames in Scranton.
Instead, we'd do stuff like Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor.
And Pam called it Pretendonitis.
Hey, Kelly, my stuff just got here.
Oh! Oh, my God! Kelly really likes to online shop.
So, I felt like I wanted some new clothes.
I mean, I just I wanted to It's just, I felt like it was time to maybe, just get new clothes.
I love it! Really? I don't know.
No, you haven't even tried it on yet.
Try it on.
Not at work.
I'll try it on Fashion show.
Fashion show at lunch! No Fashion show, fashion show at lunch.
Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Why did you do that? I'm just killing Germans any way I can.
We're on the German team.
Shoot the British.
Wait, are we playing teams? Yeah.
Hello? Is this Jan? Who is this? This is Dwight Schrute.
I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter.
You should talk to Michael and he'll talk to me, and that way we don't have to speak to each other.
It's about Michael.
What about him? I can't talk here.
It's too sensitive.
It's not about a surprise party, is it? No, but we should discuss that another time.
Look, I'm already an hour outside of Scranton, Dwight, I'm not coming back.
Pull over at Exit 40.
There is a Liz Claiborne outlet.
I know you like that store.
Go inside and shop until I can meet you.
How do you know I like that store? Many of your blouses are Claibornes.
How do you know that? It's part of my job.
No, it's not.
It's officially not.
I'm going to the dentist.
I have to have an emergency crown put in.
It's a new dentist.
He's far.
I might be gone three hours.
Three hours? Wow! Have fun.
Did you get anything good? Yeah.
New blouse? Halter-top? Camisole? Teddy? I could save the branch.
Really? If you let me run it.
Okay, I can run it? What would you do differently? Mostly get rid of waste, which is half the people there.
And clean house.
Right here, it's all for me.
Thank you.
Dwight, you must feel strongly to speak with me this way, behind Michael's back, and turn on so many of your co-workers.
The decision to turn on Michael was difficult.
But once I did it, I didn't look back.
And mostly I feel that Michael would approve.
It's really what's best for the branch.
And I could care less about my co-workers.
So, here we are.
It's all on the table.
I want the branch.
And I await your decision.
Oh, by the way, there's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here.
I know you like their earrings.
Where is it? Michael! Hi.
I had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees.
Oh, that's nice.
No, it wasn't.
Dwight just told me that he thinks he can run the branch better than you.
What? You were at the dentist? You can't have people undermining you.
Get control of your branch immediately.
What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover-ish.
Wow! It's so sexy! You look so hot.
It's really something.
It's too much.
What? I'm gonna return it.
You have to keep it today, just see how you feel.
You look nice.
Isn't that, like, your third soda today? Yeah, I think we can be a big help to your company.
Okay, see you next week.
Again? Scared? Call of Duty.
Andy, Jim, can I see you in the conference room for a minute? Now? Yes, now.
Put the game on hold, everyone.
This is not working, okay? We are getting slaughtered out there.
It's the new guy.
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.
See what I mean? We just need a strategy, okay? We're gonna set up a trap in the gunroom.
All right? Jim, are you using the MP40 or the.
44? Sniper rifle? Snipe What? Jim! In Carentan? Are you playing for the other team? You don't snipe in Carentan, okay? It's saboteur! Saboteur! Andy, it's not I'm gonna kill you for real.
This game, the game is over.
I'm really going to shoot you.
Hey, Dwight.
Do you want an M&M? No, thanks.
I'm stuffed.
No, seriously, you should have an M&M, they're really good.
Good, huh? So good.
Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple of hours after you've had a crown put in.
They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
So Sounds like a good dentist.
Oh, yeah.
What's his name? Crentist.
Your dentist's name is Crentist? Yeah.
Sounds a lot like dentist.
Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
Let me see your teeth.
Let me see them.
Let me see them.
You should floss them.
I know.
Well, then.
I'm glad you're okay.
Business is like a jungle.
And I am like a tiger.
And Dwight is like a monkey that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick.
Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun.
There's no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head.
We don't have the technology.
Dwight, can I talk to you for a second? Wow.
This is tough! What? What is it? Well I just got off the phone with Jan.
And She demoted me.
You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job.
And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
I can't believe this news.
That Wow! Yeah.
I told her I didn't know whether you'd want to do it because you've always been so loyal to me.
You've been my most trusted ally.
You said that? Yup, I did.
I did.
But I think you should do it.
Well, gosh, if you think I should then I will.
Well, we're settled.
All right.
All right.
Well, then you are now Acting Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton branch, and I am Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Thank you, Michael, for staying on, I really appreciate it.
Oh Hey, hey.
I can't imagine this place without you.
Can't you? That's so nice.
Well, I guess we should go tell the troops.
Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike.
Okay, let's do it.
Hey, hi, hello, everybody.
I have some good news and I have some bad news.
I am being replaced as your leader by Dwight.
You're kidding.
You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that.
Congratulations, Dwight.
Thank you, Angela.
But, why Dwight? Because Dwight never lies.
How does that qualify him to run a branch? Because that's all it takes.
Okay, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody about loyalty? Thank you, Michael.
I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black with ferocity! Michael? What will you do? Oh, I'll be fine.
Do you have any savings? No, no, I don't.
But Michael, you might lose your condo.
I won't.
I won't.
I have this little old vacuum cleaner that's broken.
If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.
Maybe I'll quit.
It's really happening.
We can make a difference here.
I will make a difference here.
You alone? 'Cause I thought together we were Oh, please! Don't be naive.
But you can be in charge of the women.
Look how cute he is.
And he's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.
I'm sorry, what are you whispering about me? No, nothing.
Just concentrate on turning around.
Yeah, I'm trying, I just Just tap "S" then "D.
" Oh.
Any last words? No? What? Wow! Psychopath.
What? I'm just looking.
Please go back to your desk.
In a minute.
Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work.
But I'm gonna keep the clothes.
I mean, it'll just be cool to have some after-work clothes that aren't pajamas.
Well, I guess it's time that I turn over the keys to the famous Sebring.
No, thank you.
It's a corporate lease, Dwight, you've earned it.
No, thanks.
What? Not my style.
But you said you liked it.
You've always admired it.
And But that was before.
I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage.
Plus, that convertible is a ridiculous choice for this climate.
Take it back.
That's my car.
What did you That's my car! Yes.
I know, Dwight, I know.
I know, I know.
You know what? Jan called me about your little meeting! No.
I know what you did.
You The Sebring's cool I made the whole thing up, Dwight! It's cool, the Sebring's cool Oh, do you? Do you like it? And has a cassette and a CD.
How dare you? How dare you, Dwight? Don't fire me.
Please, don't Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire you right here on the spot? I have excellent sales numbers! Not good enough! I'll do anything! Anything! Please, I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year! I have a laundry machine! I'm sorry.
Anything I'II Please? Please? I don't know if I can trust you anymore.
You can't.
You can't, but I promise I'll never betray you again.
What can I do, Michael? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? You can get up.
What? Get up.
And you can hug it out, bitch.
"Hug it out, bitch.
" That is what men say to each other after a fight.
They hug it out.
And in doing so, they just let it go.
And walk away, and they're done.
Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found.
Doesn't translate.
Yup, yup, we hugged it out.
But it turns out I was still a little angry and so I felt I needed to punish him just a little bit more.
And I'm making him do my laundry for a year.