The Office (US) s03e05 Episode Script


Brain teaser.
I have two coins, totaling 15 cents.
One of them is not a nickel.
What are they? A dime and a nickel.
I said one of them is not a nickel.
But the other one is.
I've heard that before.
A man and his son get into a car accident.
They are rushed to the hospital.
The doctor says, "There is no way I can operate on this boy " "Because he's my son.
" The doctor is the boy's mother.
A man is found hanging from the ceiling He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
A hunter It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.
Damn it! Tell me what you did yesterday.
Nothing? Yeah, nothing.
How was your day? I don't care how your day was, Michael.
Well, okay.
I don't care how your day was either, Jan.
I was just asking you because you asked me.
Why do you set me up like that? Tell me what you did yesterday.
I worked.
And then I went home to my condo, and Carole came over and we had sex.
Is that what you want to hear? Never, ever, ever sleep with your boss.
I'm so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.
Hi, Pam.
I'm great.
So, Pam, I'd like you to keep a log of everything Michael does, hour-by-hour, so that we can analyze it at corporate, okay? I don't know if I'm Thanks, Pam.
It's weird.
Jan used to treat Michael like he was a 10-year old.
But lately it's like he's five.
So, you excited? Yeah.
Very excited? Yes, I'm very excited.
Extremely excited? Just very? That's cool.
I have spent a year here.
And I have to commit or get out.
So, Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today.
And, I'm excited.
I am very excited.
Ryan hasn't made a sale yet.
But more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet.
Is he gonna be a slacker, loser, wise-ass like Jim was, or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions? So, what if they're not talking much? Then does it make sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? So where is the sales office? When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you.
Your journey begins now.
What? My chair's squeaking.
Is it? You took my chair.
No, I didn't.
I took back the chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.
When you get up, I'm just gonna take it back anyway, so So I guess I can't get up? Hey, Coselli.
The Cos, Cosby.
Hey, hey, hey! I love Jell-O Pudding Pops.
My son, Theo, loves Jell-O Pudding Pops, too.
Do you know where we are, temp? I know where we're not.
I hold in my hand a beet seed.
Take it.
When you Damn it.
Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Can you stand up and talk to me over there? That's it? That's what you came up with? I am acting my heart out here.
Really? Yeah, really.
You asked for my help, so I helped.
Attention, Scranton Business Park.
There will be complimentary pretzels available in the lobby from now until 4:00, as a thank you to our loyal tenants.
Once a year, they bring in a little cart, and they give away free pretzels.
It's really not a big deal.
To some people it is.
Productivity is important, but how can I be productive, if I have this one little thing in my brain that I cannot get out? And that one little thing is a soft pretzel.
So, I'm just gonna have my soft pretzel, I'll get to work and I'm gonna be super-productive.
Look out for me! Oh, come on.
And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
I don't think you know what you're saying.
It smells pretty bad, doesn't it? Uh-huh.
It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Oh, hey, I forgot something in my car.
I'll be right back.
Of course.
I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive.
And then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little.
But, on pretzel day Well, I like pretzel day.
'Cause they were acting all tough and everything, Uh-huh.
But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and The Chronicles of Narnia.
God, who invented cupcakes, right? I don't know I want to kill them.
Hey, Phyllis, what are you doing? I'm just saying hi to Bob.
No, I think you're cutting in line.
Well, settle down, Scott.
No, I'm not gonna settle down.
No way.
Get in the back, please.
Boo! Boo! Back in line.
Thank you.
That's right.
What a pair of marys.
This is pretzel day.
Hey, Dwight, you're a great salesman.
Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan.
I'll make you kneel in cow manure and I'll abandon you in a beet field.
Oh, that sounds great, Dwight.
I really appreciate that.
Thank you so much.
A mentor Congratulations, resourceful salesman.
You have passed the second challenge.
Welcome to Schrute farm! Love me, love me Say that you love me Fool me, fool me Stop.
Go on and fool me Love me, love me Say that you love me This is not fair.
It's gonna be in my head all day.
Fool me, fool me Go on and fool me Love me, love me Say that you love me This is not a proportionate response.
Fool me, fool me Go on and fool me I don't care about anything but you Whatever happened to those guys? Michael.
No cuts.
Oh, Pam, just the woman I'd like to see.
You read my mind Great, I thought you might want to use this time to authorize some checks.
I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom? You're an angel.
Hey, why don't you just go up to your office and get some work done and I'll bring you a pretzel? Because I like them a certain way and if it gets screwed up then this whole thing's blown.
You know, I just think that it's really important that you be productive today.
Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination.
I'll be back.
It is time for your next test.
You have planted the beet seed.
You have walked the long, lonely walk of loneliness Look, man, I was in a frat in college, so I know what you're doing.
I get it.
You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? 'Cause you think you know everything.
You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things.
Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test? Yeah.
Come on! Thank you.
Hi, please tell me you have a sweet pretzel left.
We do.
Thank God.
And we have 18 different toppings.
We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&Ms, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallows, nuts, toffee nuts, coconut, peanut butter drizzle, Oreo, sprinkles, cotton candy bits and powdered sugar.
Is there any way that you could do all of them? The works.
You got it.
All right! Thank you.
Please be seated.
What was that? Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Is that your cousin Mose? Yes.
Mose is my cousin and he lives here.
He will always be my best friend.
Unless things go well with Ryan today, in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.
What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin? Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Flash floods.
What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide? Depression? Wrong.
He hated himself.
What is the Dharma Initiative? I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet.
Where could they be? Sales take a long time.
Oh, my God, I'm so worried.
I'm sure Dwight will protect him.
I don't know, Dwight's so weird.
He's not weird, he's just individualistic.
No, he's a freak.
You're a freak! Final question, young Ryan Howard.
What is Michael Scott's greatest fear? Loneliness.
Maybe women.
He's not afraid of anything.
Also, I would have accepted snakes.
Fear is what it's all about.
You cannot sell while undergoing fear.
You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground.
You will now wrestle my cousin Mose! No.
It's over, this is over.
Okay? All right, wrestle him to the ground! No.
You're a freak.
No, just It's the final I'm not doing this anymore.
It's part of the challenge.
This is over.
Ryan, don't Ryan, you don't have to wrestle him.
Ryan, just get in the coffin.
Ryan? Bye, Ryan.
He seemed nice.
Where are all the animals? Ryan, come on.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
Mose is sorry, too.
Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat-back bacon, and look, something he whittled.
Are you still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along and I didn't want it to be that way again.
You know, I wanted us to be a team.
An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.
Look, that's not what I wanted, okay? I just wanted to go on a sales call.
Oh, screw gun, the sales call! Hey! Hey! Mr.
Coselli? Hey, hey, hey, the Cos.
What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal.
So what is the deal? Establish time frames.
Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their heads.
And always keep the power in the conversation.
That's why you're losing them on the cold calls.
'Cause you say the word "please" too much.
Wait, can you go back Michael always says, "K- I-S-S.
" "Keep It Simple Stupid," great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
Okay, I'm going to establish time frames.
I'm gonna put everything in terms of real dollars.
I'm gonna ask a lot of questions that all have positive answers.
Then I can say, "That would be better" or, "We would like that.
" That sort of thing.
Exactly, yeah.
That's good.
I am going to try to be confident but not cocky.
Oh, hey everyone! I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation.
Second, I Second? Yes, second, Toby.
Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.
Account Michael, what is going on? And I will be taking questions.
Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael? What's on your suit? Caramel dip.
But, one question at a time, please.
Phyllis, Stanley, I want you to switch desks.
I am going to re-organize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything.
I think we're getting a lot done, don't you, on paper at least? And we are, after all, a paper company, are we not? Are we not? Are we not? Are you with me? Are you with me? Thank you very much.
They really didn't like me.
They did not.
But they didn't have to say it to your face.
I don't get it.
I don't get what I did wrong.
Not everything's a lesson, Ryan.
Sometimes you just fail.
It's those online paper jerks.
The whole business is changing.
You know what? They're gonna be screwed once this whole Internet fad is over.
What are you doing? Oh, no, no, no! No! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp, yeah! Come on! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin! Come on, drive! You drive! Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Oh, hi, Jim.
He's on a sales call.
No message? Bye, Jim.
Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
I think about that all the time.
Good night, Pam.
Hey, what time is it? Twenty past five.
Or P.
Oh, good.
These came for you, contracts, Frank Coselli.
Oh, Coselli, with the Jell-O.
This is a huge sale.
Yes, right, good.
Night, Michael.
Good night.
Dunder Mifflin.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension.
It's a fantasy football thing.
And I was just gonna go through the system 'cause I didn't think you'd be there.
Why are you still there? I had to work late.
Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Oh, wow! Do you think you could send me a copy of that? Yeah, totally.
So So Do you Oh, I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
No, I Everything's pretty much the same here.
Oh, good.
A little different.
What time is it there? What time is it here? We're in the same time zone.
Yeah, right.
How far away did you think we were? I don't know.
It felt far.
Yeah, I have a question for you.
What? How many words per minute does the average person type? I type 90.
Shut up.
Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.
It's true.
Okay, I said "average.
" Seventy? How many do you type? Forget it.
I was just about to brag.
Forget it.
Come on.
Tell me.
You have to tell me now.
Okay, no need to laugh.
No, that's respectable.
Respectable? So, okay, I'm watching the movie, by myself.
Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home.
And I'm freaking out.
That movie is so scary.
I know.
But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
No way! How do you confuse Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.
No, you're making this up.
Would I make that up? Yes.
Fancy new Beesly would make that up.
New apartment, new stories Oh, yeah, my fancy new apartment.
I have one bedroom, one bathroom and a closet.
And how many kitchens? I have one kitchen.
Well, you got totally taken for a ride, Beesly.
It's actually Most apartments these days have like three Three kitchens? Yes.
How are you gonna cook every meal of the day in one kitchen? Hey, Ryan, are you okay? Pam? Yeah.
Pam? Okay, bye! Oh, yeah, I should probably go, too Oh, no, I was I don't know what Do you have to go? Yeah No, I should probably go, too.
I mean Yeah.
Bye, Pam.
Bye, Jim.
Three hundred, sixty-four days till the next pretzel day.