The Office (US) s04e09 Episode Script

Dinner Party

This is ridiculous.
Do you have any idea what time we get out of here? Nobody likes to work late.
Least of all, me.
- You have plans tonight? - No, I don't.
Remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we were working? Yes, I remember.
This is B.
This is B.
Why are we here? I am gonna call corporate.
Enough is enough.
I'm God, I'm so mad! This is Michael Scott, Scranton.
We don't wanna work.
No, we don't! It's not fair to these people! These people are my friends, and I care about them! We're not gonna do it! Everybody, I just got off the horn with corporate, and basically I told them where they could stick their overtime assignment.
- Go enjoy your friday.
- Thank you, Michael.
- I think we dodged a bullet there.
- I think you did.
I think we should celebrate.
How about you, Pam, mi casa A little dinner, dancing, drinks? - Oh, I - You said you didn't have plans.
That's what you said.
Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least nine times.
An every time, we've been able to get out of it.
But I've got to give him credit.
He got me.
Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate.
Michael, what time should I be arriving? Dwight, it's couples only.
And besides, I only have six wine glasses.
So it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim.
And Angela and Andy.
Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? Tr Tra Tran Trans Transc Transcr Transcri Transcrip Transcript Transcript S Sy Syn Sync Synch - Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Come on in.
- Good to see you.
- Chilly, huh? I'm so glad we finally Finally got to do this with you guys.
This is great.
You want to - take their coats, babe? - Yes, I would.
So what have you been doing? Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago? I have been getting ready, and then driving over here.
Well, we've been doing pretty much the same thing.
- Really? - Except driving.
We We got you this.
Thank you.
This will be great to cook with really.
Well, have a seat, or come on in or I don't know, make yourself to home.
This is our casa.
Really nice.
So what you guys think? Should we do the tour first or have appetizers first? Tour.
Let's do the tour first.
You've a preference, babe? Upstairs first? - Totally your call, babe.
- All right, well, let's go then.
I say upstairs.
You guys doing a little construction? Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.
Yeah, so sorry about this god-awful carpet.
We are still a work in progress here.
This is my office.
Never been used.
- Not super-exciting.
- No.
- And this is my work space.
- This is it.
Check that out.
You smell it? As you can smell, there's a lot of different odors going on in here.
So you have an office and a work space.
I do, you know.
I just I cannot create in the same space that I conduct business.
I'm sure that you're the same with your odles.
It's fire.
- Bonfire.
- Bond! - Men love this one.
- James bond fire! I am Bond fire James Bond fire.
Michael Scott! When I get frustrated, or irritated or angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles! And it just goes away.
- Just like that.
- Yeah.
So this is the master bedroom.
And these walls, they used to be, like white, like an asylum.
So I wanted it to be softer so I had it painted in eggshell white.
Guess what.
White and eggshell white are exactly the same color.
- Babe - Exactly.
I thought you said that you were gonna tidy things up.
Well, I Shame on you.
- What a cute bench.
- Thanks.
That's my bed.
Jan has, uh, some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.
Really? 'Cause It seems pretty narrow and short.
It's actually a lot bigger than it seems.
Look at that! See? It fits perfectly.
I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV.
Check it out.
I actually hung this on the wall myself.
- That's good.
- I wanna show you something.
A lot of people in the room, you need more space voila.
Right into the wall.
Sometimes, I will just stand here and watch television for hours.
I love it.
I love this TV.
And I also built this table.
- What is that, chestnut? - No, it's either pine of nordic cherry.
It's pine.
I'm just terrible at this stuff, so that's cool.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, he tried to set up my Tivo for me, but then I didn't have audio for a week.
If you ever need any help, I'm just a phone call away.
I bet you are.
Well, I saw Oh, your dundies.
I'm surprised they're not out on a coffee table for everybody to see.
They was between the neon bier sign and the dundies.
So I said, "Honey, keep the trophies.
" Oh, honey, I have the best trophy right here.
Aside from my dundies.
- Oh, excuse us just a second.
- I'll get it.
So glad we were finally able to do this.
- So glad we - No.
- Okay.
- Tuna! What's up, Tuna? We gonna have some tuna for dinner? I bet you're sick of tuna.
You've probably tuna every night.
All right.
These are for you.
- Oh, how thoughtful.
- Very nice.
Except for one flower, which is for my flower.
What am I supposed to do with this? How'bout we do the short tour, and then I'll start dinner? Oh, I can help starting dinner, if you need it.
The osso buco needs to braise for about three hours.
Everything else's done.
Three hours from now, or three hours from earlier, like 4:00? You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.
When in Rome.
You have a preference? Upstairs first? - Whatever you say, babe.
- Follow me.
All right.
How'bout a toast? Shall I? Here's to good friends.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
What was that? So music? Should we turn some music That sounds good.
Do you guys remember my old assistant, Hunter? He is an excellent song writer.
Wait to hear this.
Okay, here we go.
You took me by the hand Just made me a man That one night You made everything all right So raw, So right All night, all right Oh yeah! So raw, so right, All night, all right Oh yeah! You know what? Hunter was a terrible assistant.
- That's why Ryan fired him.
- He's probably just as reliable as Pam, because it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.
Sometimes I think she olds on to faxes.
I don't care what they say about me.
I just want to eat.
Which I realize is a lot to ask for.
At a dinner party.
- Cow.
- No, it's a hump.
There's a hump.
- Joe Camel.
- Yes! Okay, yes.
First name of that animal, and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital.
- Joe Montana? - Yes! Yes! - Time's up! - All right, two pieces! Why don't say 49ers quarterbacks? All right, my my My my turn! My my my my turn! My my my my turn! Babe, can you just, like, really - You're just, like, really - What? - What? - Could you just simmer down? - I'm just making people laugh.
- No.
- Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
- I was watching Jim.
And he was laughing.
No smile.
Look at him.
He's laughing.
Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game.
And it's called, "Let's see how incomfortable we can make our guests.
" And they're both winning.
So I am going to make a run for it.
I just got a message from my landlord.
Apparently, my apartment flooded.
- Something with the sprinkler.
- Oh, no! Pam, we should probably get going to see the damage.
- Okay.
- You don't need two of you to do that.
That's true Dinner sounded delicious.
Pam, I'll see you at home.
Thank you so much.
Oh, Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself.
I don't know, everything I own is there.
You can buy new stuff, but you can't buy a new party.
That's true.
That is a great point.
Come on down here.
Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends, and we're not gonna think about all your stuff being destroyed.
All right? - Michael, you're up.
- Here we go.
This is gonna be fun.
- Ready - Go! All right.
First name is Tom.
No, no, no.
No names.
No names, no rhyme no soundalikes.
All right, okay.
You're getting into my head! First name is blank, and he goes on a cruise.
He goes on a caribbean cruise.
- I don't know.
- Katie Holmes.
- No, but he's married to her! - Oh, Dawson's Creek.
No, it has to be a real person Jim.
Come on! No, no, I'm gonna pass.
I'm gonna pass.
- Rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.
- No rhyming! Not really a rhyme.
Another clue! Okay, he's the governor of California.
- He is the terminator.
- Those aren't helpful.
- Tom Cruise! - Time! God! Does anybody read the paper?! Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here.
The, um sliding glass door shattered.
- So - It's okay.
It's actually a really cute story.
Do you wanna tell it, babe or should I tell it? - I don't like that story, babe.
- Come on! It's a cute stor Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.
Stop it! I mean, I like ice cream, okay? Sue me.
Oh, no, don't.
I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me.
She loves to sue.
She loves lawsuits.
You know, honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.
You are so right.
You are so right! Because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges.
And I moved in and I cleaned it, so I guess that makes me the devil.
You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! - I'm burning.
Help me.
- You shouldn't joke about that.
- Is there more wine in the kitchen? - I will get it.
I will get it.
What kind of hostess would I be if - It's okay - No, no.
In fact, you know what? Girls' trip.
Angela, come on.
Girls' trip.
Oh, not even close.
So you keep a very tidy house.
You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath.
- But I don't need to tell you, Pam.
- Oh, yeah What? Oh, don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated.
Oh, are you joking? Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.
I have never, ever dated or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever.
Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.
I've noticed how you look at him at the office.
So I spend most of my time right here.
Have a hand.
So, Jim, I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.
Oh, no, she just put it in front of my face.
Yeah Did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion a year industry.
And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of "Serenity by Jan.
" - What do you think about that? - Thought about it.
I'm in.
I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company? I'm sorry.
What now? Coming.
What are you doing here? We came here to eat dinner and to party.
This is a dinner party, right? - Awesome! - What is he doing here? - Yes, what are you doing here? - Dwight is friend.
We weren't invited? You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses.
Dwight brought glasses and a person.
Whatever you want.
Just like always.
Whatever you want.
Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want.
- It's fine, Michael.
- When I wanted to see Stop and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see? We saw Wic When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might wanna have kids, and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And when you said you definitely didn't want? Who had it reversed back? Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap! - I did! - Okay You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo - to fill with children.
- I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world.
- Okay? But look - Sorry too.
If you want to have kids, then fine, you win.
Let's have a fuckin' kid! You mean it? You wanna have a kid? I hate my life.
So can we come in? Great turkey leg.
Okay, I'm just gonna check on dinner.
Angela, would you like some of my beet salad? I hate beet salad.
It's actually really good.
I know you love beet salad.
I've seen you eat it many times.
The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.
Pam I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
Like what? I can't prove it, but I think she might be trying to poison me.
- Hey, looks great, babe.
- Yeah, it really does.
I know Jan didn't poison the food.
I know that.
But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table, wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover.
Can you not do that? It's disgusting.
You know I have soft teeth.
How could you say that? Excuse me for a second.
So How do you guys know each other? I was his babysitter.
And now you guys are dating? It's purely carnal, that's all you need to know.
Would you write down your email? Because I have just so many questions.
Email? Never mind.
All right.
There we go.
- That's nice.
- Everybody enjoy their meal.
Hey, babe.
How'bout we take the beer sign down until our guests leave, and then we can discuss it? No I'm gonna leave it up.
I think it ties the whole room together.
Jan thinks Hunter is very talented.
You know what? I don't think he's that good.
At least he's an artist.
, I'm a screenwriter.
And I'm a candle maker, but you don't hear me braggin'about it! No, all you do is you get me to try to work on my rich friends.
For an investment opportunity! Man, I would love to burn your candles! You burn it, you buy it! Oh, good, I'll be your first customer! You're hardly my first.
That's what she said! That is a $200 plasma screen TV that you just killed! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! - I'm gonna get going.
- Fine, get out of here.
It's getting late.
You know what, she'll be out of the bathroom soon.
Of course.
Get out of my way.
I'll take care of this.
Okay, what seems to be the problem, officers? Not now, Dwight.
We got a call about a disturbance? No.
Nothing disturbing here.
Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Your neighbors heard shouting.
Yes, there was screaming, but My girlfriend threw a dundie at my TV.
A plasma.
- You want to press charges? - Would she get into trouble? Yeah, she'd be charged.
I will take the fall.
- I did it.
- You don't have to press charges.
You could just try to be more quiet.
- Michael! - Yes.
What what are you doing to him? Sir, do you have any other place you could stay? Maybe with one of your friends here? Michael can come home with me.
Jim, Pam? - Oh, my apartment's on fire.
- Flooded.
You people! - Come on, you're sleeping with me.
- No.
- I'm gonna take you home, Michael.
- No.
Come with me.
All right.
Bye, babe! This is the best burger I've ever had, babe.
Babe, I should have told you, but I did something bad.
I stole this.
For you, babe.
I love that.