The Office (US) s05e11 Episode Script

The Duel

Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
I'm sorry.
He's not in yet.
Would you like his voicemail? Eat that, Carl Lewis! Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun.
It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.
Wow, 13! No, there was wind.
- I was just jogging.
- There was wind.
- I want a do-over.
- It's not your turn.
Oscar, go ahead.
I want another try.
Here we go! - There was a car.
- I was ahead of the car.
- 31 is my new number.
- 31 is humanly impossible.
Go, Oscar.
- That's impossible.
- Beat it.
Jarick & Collioure Episode 5x11 "The Duel" Today's a big day.
My presence has been requested by Chief Financial Officer David Wallace.
He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff.
And I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so Probably bad.
Quick announcement.
New year, new candy.
Be careful, Kevin.
They're kind of spicy.
Hot tamales.
So maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more.
Excuse me, everyone.
Can I have the floor please? This is insanely awkward.
It's kind of a elephant in the room, so I'll just No one has rsvp'd to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.
Wait, you still don't know - Nothing.
- You still don't - What are you doing? - How about we just I just have to talk to you for a second.
No, no one has rsvp'd, and I don't understand it.
Now you're shutting me out.
You're not even listening.
That's really considerate.
Thank you.
No, what I'm saying Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight.
It's been 17 days.
Eventually he'll figure it out.
When their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth.
But right now it's just awkward.
How can he still not know? - We can't figure that out.
- I can't take it anymore.
- You can't take what? - I am telling Andy.
No, you can't.
It shouldn't come from you.
- Who should it come from then? - Angela.
Are you still having intercourse with her? What is wrong with you? She is engaged.
Did you ever have intercourse in this office? Are you serious? Where? Where? Where, Dwight? Seems like you already know where.
Kevin, you screwed this form up again.
The amount owed goes at the top.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was doing something wrong.
If I had, I would've admitted it - and stopped right away.
- That's enough.
Because I wouldn't want an innocent person who doesn't know anything about the form What? That was good.
It's just at the end, you weren't saying something that could apply to the form.
How about "I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form.
" There you go.
That cannot be true! You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? No, what I'm saying is I want to cut it myself.
Trade seats with me.
I've got a better angle on Pam.
I can see everything.
Please stop.
I need a soup spoon.
Rule 17.
Don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season.
There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five.
Learn your rules You better learn your rules If you don't You'll be eaten in your sleep - What is it? - You've got to tell Andy about us.
That is a terrible idea.
One of your worst.
Then we don't have to hide anymore.
- You're expanding on your worst idea.
- Do you love me or not? I've already admitted that I do.
Why do you keep making me repeat it? Because you're engaged to Andy.
Well? Not yet.
When? When what? When what? You know this can't go on.
- What can't go on? - We have to put an end to this.
- Seems like - Come on.
you guys should be hearing what I'm saying.
This is really not how this is supposed to happen.
Angela said she was gonna tell him.
She's just not ready.
- When will she be? - I don't know.
Is she crazy in bed? - Stop.
What? Listen.
- How so, specifically? - This shouldn't happen at work.
- Eager and flexible.
This shouldn't be coming from his boss.
We should also consider the fact - that man has an anger issue.
- Too late.
- You haven't done anything.
- I am already walking.
Michael, once this gets out - I don't know how it's gonna go down.
- What does that mean? Might get ugly.
This has to get out so we can all deal with it.
But you're leaving.
Have a good trip.
Walk with me.
Will do, boss man.
I do not have much time car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you.
And just bear in mind that when I say say these things that are bad things that you hear in your ears this is something that I if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear.
You're not making any sense.
No, I'm not.
I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time.
- Another day.
- All righty.
Which shall be fine.
I'm off.
Have a good meeting.
Kick Wallace's ass.
Okay, I will.
Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so.
I can't hear you through the glass.
Dwight and Angela are having an affair.
They've been sleeping together for some time.
That was the news.
I wanted to let you know.
- What? - All right.
See you later.
Are you serious? I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
- You said that yesterday.
- My neighbor got murdered.
- What are you standing for? - If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin.
You're not gonna do anything.
If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to.
I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit I need to talk to you.
We can talk right here.
I need to talk to you in private.
- We're not listening.
- Let's go to the conference room.
Is it true? - What have you heard? - That you're sleeping with Dwight.
- That doesn't sound like me.
- Is it true? I'm engaged to you.
I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers.
Would I have said yes to chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And all that stuff with our wedding cake Just answer the question.
Are you sleeping with Dwight? A little bit.
- How long has it been going on? - I don't know.
I mean, we were together, and then he killed Sprinkles.
And then we stopped, and I don't know exactly when we started up again.
- Who else knows about it? - Michael.
Who else? Let me think about it.
Come on! So listen, Michael.
Your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers.
Outperforming last year, in fact.
And I don't know exactly how to put this But what are you doing right? Right? Utica, Albany All the other branches are struggling.
But your branch is reporting strong numbers.
You're not our most traditional guy, but clearly something you are doing is right and I need to get a sense of what that is.
David, here it is.
My philosophy is basically this.
And this is something that I live by.
And I always have, and I always will.
Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason, ever, no matter what.
No matter where or who, or who you are with or where you are going, or or where you've been Ever For any reason whatsoever.
Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going.
I just hope I find it along the way.
Like an improv conversation.
An improversation.
This is gonna sound sort of high maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.
Here's the thing.
Michael is doing something right.
And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored.
It's not really a time for executives to start getting judgmental now.
It's Hail Mary time.
What say we order up some pasta? What say we do.
Standard, you know? Nothing fancy.
- So, like, missionary? - I said nothing fancy.
Do you love him? I love you.
Why should I believe that? We are at a crossroads here.
We can give in to what people're saying, that we're not good together Who says that? Or we can prove them wrong.
Let's prove them wrong.
Where's Dwight? You okay, man? Not at all, actually.
But thanks for asking.
Appreciate it.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying to my face.
And not telling me what's been going on this entire time.
You are welcome.
It's over.
- Good.
She broke up with you.
- No.
It's over between you two.
No way.
I am not giving up.
- You have to.
- No, I don't.
She doesn't love you.
She's marrying me.
I don't know about that because she certainly seems to enjoy to enjoy making lovemaking with me.
Angela Bernard.
Will never be her name.
It will be her name, and you will have to call her that.
I don't think so.
Guys, why don't we just cool off a bit? - I'm telling you to back down.
- I will never back down.
- Then I'll make you.
- How are you gonna do that? Through the use of force.
That is very general and does not scare me in the slightest.
I will fight you.
Okay, fine! Good! A duel.
The winner gets Angela.
- Fine! - This is nuts.
What is your weapon? - That's enough because - This is none of your business.
It is my business when it happens at work.
Guess what, not happening at work.
- We're gonna do it outside.
- Outside of work.
None of your business then.
- Good.
So what weapon? - My bare hands.
That is stupid.
I will use a sword, and I will cut off your bare hands.
Then I'll get something too.
I've had two men fight over me before.
Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.
I will respect the results of the duel.
- Of course you will.
- I call loser.
I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
I will also be taking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
What a coincidence.
So I either get more involved or I take a sick day Leaving Dwight in charge.
How'd that get there? There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.
So I was in the office, and I look over to our accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone.
Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before.
And I call over to Kevin, "Kevin? "Is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes, it is a tweed jacket.
" And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need "The need for tweed.
" It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, but I appreciate you trying.
And thanks for coming in.
Have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.
Finish up.
Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out! I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.
I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
Come on! Has anything happened yet? It's 4:10.
I don't think he's gonna show.
Come on, man.
Believe in something.
Come on, coward! Where are you? Where "From the desk of Andrew Bernard.
" A note.
"Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note.
"How are you? I am well.
"You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note.
"It's come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.
" True.
"The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing "is my soft underbelly.
" There's andy.
He's in his car.
- You guys, what is he doing? - Why isn't Dwight turning around? The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour.
- He deserves the win.
- "At last, after much consideration" - My God! - What's happening? Andy's running over Dwight with his car.
What are you Come on! - You give up? - Never! Get out and face me like a man! I'm a man.
I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiancee! You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing! What does that mean? You can't even protect her! Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton? Last year, idiot! Are your legs broken? My right one's falling asleep a little bit.
- Andy, are you all right? - Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this.
Back off.
This isn't your fight.
How much is this gonna cost? What? Trust fund'll take care of that.
What did you say? I couldn't hear you.
I said What? You stupid idiot! You're like a sasquatch.
You live in the woods.
Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a sasquatch.
How could she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice? - What? - What? - She's sleeping with you? - I'm her fiance.
She said she was only sleeping with me.
Yes, hi.
My last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered.
B-E-R N-A-R-D.
The one shaped like a sailboat.
That's the one.
Thank you.
What a day! I thought I was gonna get chewed out.
But hold on! Here's an attaboy for you.
What? Roller-coaster ride.
Just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen.