The Office (US) s05e23 Episode Script


It's 4:30 in the morning.
Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do.
They're gonna be in this van.
With me.
Who am I? Nothing to fear.
I am just a 44-year-old guy with a paper route.
Time to make the donuts! Come on.
No, I promise I won't do it again.
Come on.
De-nied! We've been making 5:00 a.
deliveries for a couple weeks now.
Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air that just really makes me sick.
Time to make the donuts! Boner patrol! Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! We got the van at a used car lot.
We think it says "Alleluia Church of Scranton" in Korean.
It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.
You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael? - Milk and sugar.
- Awesome.
You're a life saver.
- Wait, is this just milk and sugar? - That's what I said.
Do you drink this every day? Every morning.
We're doing okay.
A couple weeks in and we're having fun.
We have 20 Excuse me.
Sorry, no.
It's It's a paper company now.
It's not for the church.
Proofreading: So.
& Valpi Episode 5x22 "Broke" Who covers Bans Pet Grooming? - They're my client.
- No, they were your client.
They just called, they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.
Shame, Jim.
I expected more.
In the last month, we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.
What can we do? They keep undercutting us on price.
I don't want excuses.
I want improvements.
This is unacceptable.
Hey, boss.
I'd just like to point out that I have be here less time - than these guys.
- Why are you telling me this? I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.
Is this something you really want to have said? I don't want to have said that.
But I think it's important that you know it.
I don't know what to do to inspire these people.
- OK, maybe it's my fault - It's not your fault.
Some people just don't want to be inspired.
I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money.
But I got your memo.
Thank you.
I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports.
Waste not, want not.
Well said, Angela.
Been there, done that.
You know what we need? We need some couches.
We should really consider getting a delivery guy.
You know what you would love? It's if we built a loft.
Why would I love that? - Can we afford a delivery guy? - Like in a dorm room.
You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top.
You can sleep up top.
- I know what a loft is.
- Most dorm rooms don't even have that.
- Most do in the magazines.
- Let's see what a delivery guy costs.
We should look into that.
Or we just go for the loft.
Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? We've been expecting you, David Wallace.
- Charles and I were waiting for you.
- There he is.
There he is.
How was the trip up? A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.
It hasn't been that bad.
These people are the salt of the earth.
You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.
I feel like I should be thanking you.
The conference room is ready if we want to get started.
I just want to address everyone first.
Take your time.
Stanley, pay attention.
Hi, everyone.
It's no secret It is no secret that Michael Scott has siphoned off a largchunk of our core business.
I'm here I just want to reassure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.
Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call, none of us would've lost clients.
I've been wondering that myself lately.
Wee just gonna get started.
We're gonna figure this out.
Rest assured.
- Jim, can you come in with us please? - Jim.
Hold on.
You know, David, Dwight's been my guy.
I find that extraordinarily surprising.
He shows promise.
And Jim, I don't He's been disappointment.
- We'll bring 'em both in.
- Great.
Dwight, come on in.
Also Jim.
Come along, afterthought.
How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy? - If these numbers are correct - They are correct, sir.
Then you can't afford to pay him anything.
A lame attempt at humor.
Swing and a miss.
Your prices are too low.
Lowest in town.
Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match? Corporate greed? Our pricing model is fine.
I reviewed the numbers myself.
Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.
With a fixed cost pricing model, that's correct.
But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.
OK, sure.
So Why don't you explain what that is So they can under - Explain what that is.
- Explain what you think that is.
- Just explain.
- As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs.
For example, delivery man, health care, business expansion.
Whatever, yeah.
So At these prices, the more paper you sell the less money you'll make.
Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
They're actually putting you out of business.
Hold on, hold on.
Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.
- It's a program.
There's no such - Just crunch 'em, please.
Did it help? Hi, Jerry.
Michael Scott.
This is slightly embarrassing.
I'm going to have to ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday.
We did.
We got the check.
But we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.
When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child.
He didn't know any better.
You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid.
I trust you".
Now would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers? - God, no.
- Stupid.
Makes us look weak.
I agree.
It just I say we fill Michael's office with bees.
My apiarist owes me a favor.
Really? Does he do good work or No, Jim.
I use a bad apiarist.
Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break? And then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out.
Five minutes exactly.
- Dwight, can I talk to you? - Sure thing.
I saw you called.
You're just out of business? We have maybe a month.
- I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Don't worry about it.
- We'll figure it out.
We'll be okay.
- That's what Michael said.
Only this time we will be okay.
- My new "Dwight" ring.
- I like it.
Good, right? Idiot, we're starting back up.
This is Dwight, by the way.
Don't worry.
Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died? - Steve Martin's not dead.
- I know.
But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life.
And I was wrong.
It's this.
You want to hear something sad? I would love that.
So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive, so I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money.
I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-Mart.
None of 'em called me back.
Not even for an interview.
I never went to Thailand.
Really? I went to Fort Lauderdale.
Was it nice? Yeah, it was amazing.
There was a great pad thai place, though.
I love pad thai.
You never had pad thai.
There's a lot I haven't done.
This is the projection of over three months.
- We still have the inventory sitting.
- That's assuming he's gonna Let me float something out there.
Can I just say something? There is a hive of bees outside the front door.
We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option is to make Michael an offer.
Yes, I was gonna say the same thing.
We should buy him out.
But you didn't.
Oh, man! If only Michael had children.
That's how you really apply the pressure.
- What is wrong with you? - Jim, you're pretty close with him.
You think they'd be up for hearing an offer? I don't know.
They've taken a good deal of clients.
I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.
You know what? Why don't I do it? Michael adores me.
I'm the man for this job.
- Charles, you got my back? - Jim, I think you should go.
OK, so I'll be back in Back in a bit.
- Can I talk to you? - We're not hiring.
- Actually here for something else.
- I can't make you laugh right now.
You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I tell what I'm here for? Turns out you've made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.
- Nice.
- David Wallace has asked me to come and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.
Seriously? - Are you being serious? - He's bluffing.
What you don't understand is that this company's worthl We don't have I'm here to learn as little information as possible.
All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.
- Maybe.
- Three yes.
I will see you titans of industry upstairs.
We're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.
- Missed the last part.
- That's a pun.
Got it.
OK, so you're not going to reveal in any way - that we're broke.
- Of course not.
That we're having any problems at all.
Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate we are going broke.
There is no way in hell that I'm going to say that we're broke.
I'm really worried I'm gonna say it.
You're fine.
We have to come from a position of strength.
- Put it out of your mind.
- It is.
I'm good.
Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr.
David Wallace.
I believe we're expected.
How the turntables In order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.
And we are prepared to reject that offer.
- You haven't even heard - Never accept their first offer.
What is your second offer? $12,000.
Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low.
I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.
What do you hear? Here's the situation.
Your company is four weeks old.
I know this business.
I know what suppliers are charging.
I know you can't be making very much money.
I don't know how your prices are so low but I know it can't keep up that way.
I'm sure you're scared.
Probably in debt.
This is the best offer you're gonna get.
I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation.
Your company is losing clients left and right.
You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain why your most profitable branch is bleeding.
So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO.
I don't need to wait out Dunder Mifflin.
I think I just have to wait out you.
I don't know that I can get this.
I do have to go to the board for approval.
How's about $60,000? - We'll have to talk - What? - We're gonna have to talk about this.
- Just amongst ourselves.
Please take the room.
Be right outside.
Take your time.
- $60,000? - We are so rich.
Jerry, the one who got away.
May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold.
May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.
What? How'd you hear that? They've been calling their clients and begging them to pay more money.
They're desperate.
Which can only mean one thing.
They're total failures.
Great work.
I mean, great detective work.
'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked.
You don't crack a case.
At has a pejorative connotation.
Like calling a policeman a cop.
You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.
So how long can they stay viable? What are your top five cases? - I'm gonna answer Charles.
- Because you've solved zero cases.
Case of the beet bandit.
Missing beets from all over the farm.
No footprints.
Inside job.
Mose in socks.
Case closed.
Do not go anywhere near the conference room.
Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today.
- Got it? - I'm not following you.
You two are morons.
Got it.
Get out.
So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer.
We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Can you give us another minute please? How could you do this to me? You just cost me $60,000.
- Why would you get the whole thing? - It's a lot of money.
But we need money coming in every week.
We need jobs.
Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish? I would rather have $60,000, honestly.
No, Michael's right.
Jobs are safer.
Agreed? Agreed.
But that's all, OK? - Discuss these things - Shut up.
I want my old job back.
I want my old parking space back.
I want a Sebring.
They don't make them anymore.
And I want Charles gone.
I am not firing Charles.
He's very valuable.
- That's very kind of you to say.
- I need him gone.
- Then I want Pam back.
- You already have a new receptionist.
- Pam's not a salesperson.
- Yes, she is.
At the Michael Scott Paper Company - in its heyday.
- That's right.
- Please continue.
- And Ryan.
Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars.
You know, David? I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family.
- He is like a son to me.
- Do you realize what you're asking for? You're talking about salary plus health benefits.
And dental this time.
Insurance, taxes, social security for three people.
This is a lot more than 60 grand.
It's a multi-million dollar buyout.
These are our demands.
Your company cannot be worth that much.
Our company is worth nothing.
That's the difference between you and I.
Business isn't about money to me, David.
If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company.
And then another and another and another.
I have no shortage of company names.
That's one of 'em! These are our demands.
This is what we want.
Our balls are in your court.
Can we have the room, please? Can you believe it? Great job! Right here! That's what I'm talking about! There are certain defining moments in a person's life.
The day he is born.
The day he grows hair.
The day he starts a business.
And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin.
What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell.
I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it.
I just want to enjoy it.
You're done.