The Office (US) s09e18 Episode Script


Oh, oh.
She's doing it again.
Phyllis has gotten into audiobooks.
And lately she's been listening to 50 Shades Of Grey, which, if you don't know what it is, - it's a book about, uh, um-- - It's porn.
Seriously? This is unacceptable.
It's officially a hostile work environment.
Why? Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not okay to do this in public.
Be careful.
I pulled my mom's dog off the pillow once, and I got bit.
Just ignore her.
Sooner or later, she'll finish.
Meredith! Good lord.
- What? - Phyllis is masturbating in the office right now as we speak.
Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her? He can't do that.
Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal.
Doesn't become a violation till she physically acts on it.
W-w-wait, wait.
Why is Phyllis so aroused? She's listening to50 Shades Of Grey.
Well, there you go.
That'smuy caliente.
Okay, you are useless.
I'll take care of this.
What the hell? It's okay, guys.
She's no longer horny.
Excuse me, dirty birdie.
What? You can have this back at the end of the day.
Clark, I need your advice.
I'm having some lady troubles.
- What's her name? - Esther Bruegger.
- Sweet.
- Lives on the neighboring farm.
- 85 acres.
- Oh, yeah.
Keep talking.
Well, we've been out three times.
There has been physicality.
The thing is, we were hanging out with her father the other night, looking at a farm catalogue, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.
What do you think? The same thing that you think.
Long-term tractor leases can put pressure on a relationship.
God, a lot of my buddies are going through the same thing right now.
Something in the air.
Here you go.
And good for you, Dwight.
I'm so glad you found someone.
I bet she's got kind eyes.
Dwight is dating a Brussels sprout farmer named Esther.
She's coming here this afternoon with her father.
Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart.
Cece has been calling me Pamela.
Like, four times this week.
Oh, man.
I wonder if she'll start calling you Jim.
Oh, boy.
Please don't.
- I know.
- Let's not let that happen.
Um Oh, what was I gonna-- what was I gonna say? Well, you know, your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today.
With Ryan Howard.
How did that happen? Not that Ryan Howard.
- The Phillies first baseman.
- Oh! Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, okay.
- Well - Yeah.
So I'll talk to you later? Yeah, sounds good.
- Okay, great.
- Yup.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What's going on? Ooh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song? There's a promo for the documentary on the web.
Play it again.
The boss.
- There's Michael.
- The workers.
The lives.
The loves.
The people.
The paper.
The Office, An American Workplace.
Coming soon on WVIA.
You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes, and everything changes.
This is a documentary? Ohh.
I always thought we were, like, specimens in a human zoo.
Did you see this? Your screen is all black.
You just unplugged your computer.
Oh, my God.
Is that you and Jim? - Uh-huh.
- Jeez.
You fell in love with that hair? Really? Yikes.
That is awful.
It wasn't so bad.
Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing.
"Banjo at 0:19 is a'ight.
" Internet, calm down! I must have really connected with this guy.
I mean, that's a guy's name, right? Chobblegobbler? Hey, man, how you doing? Jim Halpert.
Nice to meet you.
Eat fresh.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
Nice to meet you.
Eat fresh.
Eat fresh.
Let's go to the conference room.
Esther's on her way up.
I wonder if she wants a snack.
Let me see.
I know she likes apples and carrots.
I bet she does.
I bet she'll eat 'em right out of your hand with those big, strong teeth.
Did I tell you about her teeth? Hey, Dwight, you have some guests.
I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.
Ah, the Bruegger family.
Fine office you have here.
Sturdy walls.
- You look radiant as always.
- Thank you.
I guess men find Esther attractive.
I mean, if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that thing.
Weird to see how we used to look in those promos.
Some of us have changed so much.
We've all changed.
With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they retire your number.
And we all know baseball does not last forever.
I look at these actors on TV, and I think, "come on.
I can do that.
" Right? Watch this.
Eat fresh.
Now what does that make you think of? - Subway sandwiches.
- Yeah.
How? I didn't say "Subway sandwiches" it's called playing the subtext.
- Wow.
- I actually wrote a screenplay.
It's called The Big Piece.
Based on his nickname.
I like it already.
Let me guess.
It's autobiographical.
Half-biopic, half-superhero movie.
The mild-mannered professional baseball player Ryan Howard - hits a home run - Okay.
into outer space.
Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into the Big Piece.
Big Piece.
- The space dust does it.
- Space dust.
- Okay.
- I actually brought some copies of my script if you guys want to read it together.
Sure, yeah.
Hollywood All right.
- Yeah, we're gonna read it.
- Okay, great.
Andy, are there documentary groupies? Of course there are.
Of course.
A little ironic that I'm gonna be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flenderman novel was based on a murdered TV star.
- The Small Scream.
- Oh, I don't care.
Hey, guys, I just found another promo.
- It's in Danish.
- Danish? I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.
Oh, my God.
What was that word they said when they showed me? Skrald mand? What's that mean in Danish? "Cool guy?" "Dumpster man.
" Cool.
What about me? - Cloken tre pige.
- Tre pige.
"3:00 PM girl.
" What? Why would they-- w-- wait a second.
Wait a second.
What was that? I didn't know they were filming then.
It looks like the cameraman was hiding behind the shelves.
Wait, so they were filming all the time, even when we didn't know it? Oh, my God.
There is much more secret filming than I expected.
But I am fine with it, I mean it.
- I am.
- Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage.
I am a very private person.
I show 'em when I want to show 'em.
Who wants a taste? Boob sauce! - Meredith! - Come on! Oh, my God.
Do they film us at night - when we're sleeping? - Yes, Erin.
They film us at night when we're sleeping 'cause that makes great TV.
- Hey.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oscar.
- I'm sorry, sweetie.
This whole thing is just freaking me out.
I have been very honest with you guys in a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine.
You're not gonna use any of that, are you? People, relax.
We are killing it online.
Have you guys checked the comments? Smokethatskinwagon says, "you guys are killing it.
" I mean we're internet sensations, guys.
I think we need to figure out what's going on.
I might just take a little walk.
Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea.
Okay, everyone, turn off your mics.
We need to know more.
Did those shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape? I sneezed into my hands without using purell and then dipped into the candy jar.
- Did they film that? - My first week here, I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more-- I thought I'd get more screen time as a villain.
Okay, Pam, why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired, find out what they got? Brian? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I guess I could.
Hurry, Pam.
I need to know how much hellfire is gonna rain down on me.
I thought Teri knew about Cynthia.
She does, but neither of them know about Lydia.
- Ooh.
- Wow.
Whoa! Okay, so what's this lever do? That manipulates the secondary shaft.
Oh, the secondary shaft.
Ah-ooga! The lift capacity's up to 2,000 pounds.
That's a lot of beets.
Let's talk terms.
If you agree to a 40-60 split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns.
Bruegger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? or no deal.
Esther, get in the truck.
No, wait-- okay, wait.
You win.
Let's get the paperwork started.
We should buy an Auger together.
Yeah, we should do that.
You would be a great one to buy an Auger with.
Hello, honey, I just spoke to the TV repairman, and he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months.
Something about the wiring.
Oh! Seven new comments.
"The guy at 0:19 is hawt.
" "Hi, bongripper, it's me, Andy, the guy from 0:19.
I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo.
I really enjoyed your comment.
Going to read some more comments now.
Have a great day!" "He's not hawt.
He's gay.
" "Dear jasonjasonjason, it's me, Andy.
Nice name.
Not! Guess what? I'm not gay.
So you're an idiot.
And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain.
Never comment on this page ever again.
" "He is hawt.
" See? Thank you.
That's more like it.
"He is butt.
" Agh! Damn it! I'm about to lose my freaking mind! Screw you, texaspoontappa.
Security deposit.
That's been-- - Standard.
- Right.
Hey, can I talk to you for one second? Not now.
- Just one second.
- No.
- One second.
- I'm closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
- Don't do it.
- What? Don't you cap that pen.
Do not cap that pen! Do-- no! You capped it! Wow.
You are serious.
Okay, you've got two minutes.
Then the cap comes off.
Dude, we're being conned.
Go on.
These chicks are way too hot to be into us.
Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Yeah, the sister's trying to seduce me into buying an Auger with her.
What? Has the guarantee expired on the Auger you have now? I don't even know what an Auger is.
No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an Auger is.
You ready to sign? I just need a moment to consider your offer.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'm sorry.
Do you have a minute? Is this a bad time? No, no.
Please, yeah.
Come on in.
Good to see you.
Um, sorry.
My place is usually not this-- Oh, my gosh, please, don't.
Yeah, no, I-- actually, it's always like this.
You want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there.
- Sure.
- Yeah? Yeah.
- Let me grab a couple drinks.
- Okay.
Oh, wow, you have a nice view.
All right.
- That's for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
All right.
How much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the Senator? They caught us kissing on Halloween.
He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! - Oww! - God.
Angela! Well, he kissed like Jack Kennedy.
- Oh! - Stop it.
Stop kissing him.
Someone needs to call and warn him.
This could ruin his career.
I don't like giving him bad news.
- Call him! - You call him! - Call him! Call him! - Stop hitting me! No! - So - So What brings you by? Well, the promo for the documentary aired today.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
- It's kind of crazy.
- It is.
See all this, like, old stuff.
- I know.
- Like, there's that shot - of Jim and I up on the roof.
- Oh, yeah, that was-- - that was a good moment.
- Yeah, wasn't that neat? - Yeah, that was cool.
- Yeah.
And there's this one when we were listening to music, and it's like-- it's like we were in love, we didn't even know we were in love.
And it's-- but do you think Jim's changed? - Um - I'm sorry.
Did that-- but that was out of the blue.
I just mean, because you know us, and you've, like, observed us for ten years, and I feel like he's-- I just feel like he's so into his work right now, and I don't know.
Am I crazy? No, you're not crazy.
Well, I wish that made me feel better.
Listen, so everybody saw the promos, and they're kind of freaking out.
'Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera.
- Yeah.
- You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see, and they kind of want to know how much.
They want to know how much what? How much stuff you got.
Pretty much everything.
Well, yeah, but what if we turn off our mic packs? They've got parabolic mics.
They can pick you up So, no, if you were around there, they got you.
So we basically had no privacy for ten years.
That's not really true.
I mean - that's-- - Um yeah, I gotta go.
Oh, no, hang on a second.
Pam, I'm sorry.
I-- I-- I can explain this so much better.
No, I think you explained it.
Look, if you give me a chance, I can-- Pam.
"We will win this baseball game against the Evil Space Yankees.
Eat fresh.
" That'll pay for the exploding helicopter.
- Smart.
- Mm-hmm.
"Suddenly, the Evil Thugs break into the stadium.
The Big Piece hits baseball at the Evil Thugs.
" "Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.
" Come on, man.
Sell it.
Yeah, Jim.
"Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!" Yeah, that's better.
"A bunch of hot women go, 'oh, yeah.
'" "Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.
" "They kiss.
It is super emotional.
- Like in Toy Story.
" - Wow.
I tell you what.
It's really strong.
Can't wait to read the rest of it later, - see how it ends.
- It's so strong.
Keep reading then.
"Gotta go.
Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.
" Um, another thing.
I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader.
I don't know how we'd go about doing that, but - We can look into it.
- We'll look into it.
We need Darth.
- We gotta get him.
- Go after Darth then.
- We're gonna go get him.
- That's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go get him.
Maybe you're right.
Esther's a ten, and the best I've ever done is Angela, who's a nine, and she rejected me.
A Scranton nine, but, yeah, point taken.
Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours, huh? I mean, there are no games with fours.
Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kind of guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy.
Screw new tractors.
Guys like us, we got to plant our seed - a different way.
- By hand.
We need to talk.
I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther.
Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days, but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends.
So you're gonna be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles, and he's pocketing a profit - behind your back.
- That snake! You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles, or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine.
That shady grove out by Willard's pond.
So you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed? Of course.
You didn't think I was just tractor bait, did you? N-no.
- That-- - Yeah.
Hey, Dwight.
What's an Auger used for? Post hole digging.
You've reached Senator Robert Lipton.
Please leave a message.
- Hi, honey! - Hey, honey.
- No, you go.
- Go.
No, go ahead.
- Hi, honey.
- Hey, hey, Robert.
- It's Angela and Oscar.
- Hey.
Just a few quick things.
Um, the documentary's going to be airing soon, and-- and you look great in the promos.
- Oh, you look so handsome.
- Oh.
Very presidential.
- Very much so.
- Yeah.
Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay.
Yes, and I cheated on you with Dwight.
It looks like they got it on film.
I didn't tell you about it.
- I think that's it.
- I think we're good.
- Done.
- Bye.
Love you.
Hey, texaspoontappa and jasonjasonjason and all the rest of you haters out there, check this out.
_ Good night, Andy.
Huh? Yeah.
See ya.
Oh! What? Elskere.
I hope you got sound on everything.
I'd love a DVD of that.
_ _