The Old Guys (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

The Croft

Oh, God Steve's here.
With Amber? No, but he's crying.
What's he come here crying about? I was about to enjoy my beer.
How To Look Good Naked's on in six minutes.
Look, you keep him talking, and I'll phone Sally and tell her that her son is weeping on our doorstep.
But if he starts to hug me, will you knock him off with a broom? Aye, aye, cap'n.
Steve! Hello mate.
Is Amber here? Er, no, not right now, no.
How's it going? It's not good actually.
Oh, that's a shame.
Buck up though, no-one's lost an eye.
Have a gin.
Is it OK if we just have a bit of a chat? Sure.
Say, I tell you what I'd like to chat about how good do you look naked? No, no, it's It's just Amber and me, I mean it's been going great, but, you know, we've had our first row.
She wants me to move in.
Oh, that's good? But we've only been going out for three weeks.
Oh, that's not good.
I said it's too soon, but she said I was a committo-phobe and I need to see a psychiatrist for electric shock therapy.
Well, that's good.
Tom, that is not good.
Might be a real tonic.
Oh, Steve, you poor thing! Oh Now listen, you pop yourself in the car, we'll go over to Marks and Spencer's, and get you a jolly sweater and a cream tea, hmm? I'm fine, Mum.
And no-one's judging you.
That's what's nice.
Nowadays, anyone can cry their eyes out and nobody thinks, "Well, he's not a real man.
" Thanks for getting rid of him.
It turns your stomach a bit, though, doesn't it? A grown man blubbering.
He's just over-emotional.
I feel a bit teary myself today.
I was supposed to be going off on holiday with Mark.
We booked a croft in Scotland before he you know What, had his massive stroke and died? Exactly.
We loved the Highlands.
We were thinking of moving there at one time.
But I can't face going up there alone.
It's just standing empty, so if you know anyone who'd fancy using it Have a think.
Bye! Oh, yes, Roy! Imagine it Scotland! The great ravines, the huge towers, the lemon cake, The Man In The Iron Mask.
We are going across the sea to Scotland! Oh, smell that air! Mmm, great.
The air in London has already been breathed by six other guys by the time you get it.
It's used air.
Right, so what do you think we'll do this afternoon? Well, I dunno a walk? But we've just been for a walk.
We've done walking.
No, well, walking's so good for the mind.
This morning I had a brilliant idea for a novel about a man who wakes up and he's working for Chavez in Venezuela as an economics adviser, but he knows nothing about economics.
Right, how about this, I'll think of a toe and you guess which one I'm thinking of? I thought we might go to this waterfall and back.
You go and walk around in a circle while I lie here and conserve energy like an enormous battery.
Whatever you say.
I love it here, I really do.
This is my great good place.
Yeah, well I love it more.
It's not a competition! Of course not.
But if it was, I'd win.
You on a bit of War or a bit of Peace now? Peace.
Yeah it says War And Peace, but I bet it's 90% peace and just a bit of war to keep you interested.
OK, so how about I quiz you on the Citrus Oat Crunch again? Get to know the kilojoules involved.
Help us watch our weight.
Err, we don't have a shared weight Tom.
We have two separate weights.
So, if I have a typical portion of Citrus Oat Crunch with semi-skimmed milk, what percentage of my recommended daily intake of potassium would I have consumed? I don't know.
20%? 20%?! Are you a raving lunatic? Try again.
50%? 50%?! Of potassium?! Have you gone out of your tiny mind? Do you think this stuff is a potassium factory? 7%, Roy.
You're mad.
You are a mad, mad, mad man.
Oh, God there's got to be a board game here somewhere.
Oh, great.
That's perfect.
What? It's a visitor's book.
There's only a ghost.
"Mary thought she saw the piper walk through the wall last night, but I think it was the whisky talking.
" You're not telling me you believe in ghosts, are you, Tom? Of course I don't, but just because I don't believe in ghosts doesn't mean I'm not scared of them.
Argh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Hello? Hello, Dad.
Amber, Amber you beauty! My beautiful, beautiful daughter! How the hell are you? What's going on? What's happening? Has anyone weird died? Who who's winning The Apprentice? How's the pound against the dollar? Steve and me had another bust-up.
It's been like nearly two and half weeks and he's still very, "Oh, let's go for a pizza tomorrow.
" But I'm like, "Sure, and then what? Another pizza and then another pizza?" When are we gonna move to Trinidad and start our dive school? I thought maybe I should come up there, clear my head? Yeah, course you should! Come! I'm here all on my own and I'm having the time of my life and I am bored out of my mind.
I thought you were with Roy? Oh, yes, Roy's here but he's gone mad.
All he does is walk round in circles and talk about Venezuela.
You must come and bring your laptop and Coco Pops and DVDs bring all the DVDs you own, every single one and I'm not even joking! Maybe I will.
It might be nice, we never did the family holidays so much, did we? Apart from the booze cruise.
I know! I wanna make it up to you.
I wanna talk to you.
I wanna talk and talk and talk about There Will Be Blood and The Shield and CSI: Miami.
OK, OK, great.
I'll see you tomorrow night, then.
Perfect! So, was it Doctor Hook in the drawing room with the nail gun? No.
Was it Rabbi Julia Neuberger in the utility room with the nightstick? Tom, are we playing this right? And are Jimmy White and Professor Peanut still suspects? And which one is Professor Peanut? The, er, the salt cellar? Professor Peanut is the peanut.
Oh, my God! Amber! Hooray! Hooray for my beautiful daughter! Come in! How are you? Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
I'm feeling a bit emotional Uh-huh, great.
Where's the DVDs? In there.
All of them.
Oh, you are clever! You are a clever one! Oh, God, which one first, Vera Drake or Layer Cake? Vera Drake or Layer Cake? Vera Drake or Layer Cake?! I'll show you your room, Amber.
Yeah, yeah so, er, all the way I was just thinking, yeah, maybe Steve's right, maybe three weeks is too soon.
But then I thought, no! Shut up, just move in! Er, is this the right cable? Yeah, that's it.
But it doesn't go in.
It doesn't go in.
It doesn't go in, it doesn't go in, Amber, it doesn't go in! You see, it should go in but it doesn't.
It's not right, something's not right! It doesn't go in! Maybe I brought the wrong cable.
I was having it all out with Steve when I left.
Oh, were you? Oh, you haven't brought the wrong cable? Please, no, Amber! It's no biggie, Dad.
We're just gonna be talking anyway, right? Yeah, but I can talk to Roy, I can talk to anyone! God, Dad, do you think you'll actually die if you spend an evening talking to me? I don't know.
It feels like I will but perhaps I might not.
Why don't we go to the pub? Amber's taxi's still here.
Pub? What pub? Where's the pub? They may have a television in the pub.
Pub! Television! Pu-u-u-u-ub! Your second biggest Boots, in Aberdeen, where we came in, your second biggest Boots is still smaller than the Boots in Beckenham.
That's what I'm talking about.
And there are many, many Bootses in London bigger than the Beckenham Boots.
Which, don't get me wrong, is still a pretty big Boots.
Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, I work for a major tobacco firm doing PR, but it's actually great because the majority of our work now is trying to stop people smoking.
I'm actually just finishing the first stage of thinking about a novel.
It's a satirical look at life under Chavez in Venezuela.
Oh, excuse me.
What's that? You've got a bar.
Sweet, lovely bar.
Don't move, Roy.
Call a chat line.
It's a message from Sally! From Sally?! She's had second thoughts.
She was gonna scatter Mark's ashes on the tennis courts but she wants to scatter them up here where he'd be happier.
She's on her way! What! Sally? Up here? With us? Oh! I can't believe this is where you're staying.
Oh, it's a great spot.
The kitchen's a bit pokey but other than that This used to be my gran's place.
My dad built that kitchen with his own hands, last thing he ever did.
Oh, er pokey.
You know, it's it's got plenty of poke.
Er er I'd like to poke it.
It's a sexy little kitchen.
So, thanks for the lift, but we're expecting company and I expect you'll want to be heading off Dad, don't be so rude! Stay.
Er, stay for a wee dram.
Why not? So we could have it, um, in here, or we could have it in my bedroom.
Erm I'm easy.
Yeah, I don't mind either.
They're both actually perfectly good rooms to have a drink in, and there isn't really much difference between them, so eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
Which way do you think we should go? Into there or into here? Might be best to go in there.
Um you OK with that, Malcolm? This doesn't look good.
What is Sally going to say? Amber wasn't meant to be here.
I know.
We've turned her love nest into a bonk shop five minutes after Amber ditched her son! Hi guys.
Just getting something.
Is it your inhaler? Exactly.
My, my, um my, my inhaler.
Thank you, Roy.
The inhaler.
We can all live with the inhaler.
How long do you think they'll be? How should I know? Well, I don't know, I've I've forgotten.
How long does it normally take? They won't be long.
Oh she's here, Tom.
Sally is HERE! Oh, God! Well, maybe Amber and, um, what-cha-ma-call-him maybe they'll make Sally feel romantic? Yes, because seeing other people who are romantic can can make you feel romantic, can't it? It's kind of how pornography works.
Er, yes, in a way I suppose it is.
Er, er, plus Steve's probably over her by now.
Steve! Yeah, he's probably glad to be out of the whole situation.
STEVE! Yes, Steve, Roy, Steve! Steve! Steve, mate! Sally! Oh, I hope you don't mind but Steve joined me.
He really wanted to see Amber.
She is here, isn't she? She said she was coming.
Is that her rental car outside? Is Amber here, Roy? Oh, I do beg your pardon.
Er, yeah, I tell you what, yeah, she is.
I remember now, cos it's great she came up and she's my daughter, obviously, and I recognized her immediately.
Yup, she is totally here.
Er, bit of a weird one, Amber.
You can look, Dad.
Err, but Sally's just turned up with Steve.
Steve is here? Who's Steve? Uh-oh! Um Steve is my boyfriend in England.
Um, but now it seems he's come to this kingdom and is trying to be my boyfriend in this land also so I Exactly.
So, all in all, it might be best if you climbed out the window.
What?! So you've had your fun and now you want to throw me away? That's about the size of it.
Not not throw you away, God no.
More like, um, recycle you.
I'm putting you back in the river, to go upstream to spawn? This is where I used to sleep when I stayed with my nana.
It's another one with the water works.
You really know how to pick 'em, don't you? Go and say hi to Steve.
Now let's get you out.
Yeah, you can have a good cry and that on your way home.
That window doesn't open.
My grandpa nailed it shut cos I was scared of the piper when I was a lad.
You have got to be joking me.
What, the piper can open windows now? Well, I've never seen him, it's just a story.
Right, well, OK look, you'd better hide.
Are you having me on? Look, just for a minute, mate, until I can get them out the way and get you out the front.
Are you serious? Look, come on.
This is gonna be such a great story.
You are gonna get so many pints bought for you on the strength of this, I really ought to be charging.
I don't know what's going on, I really don't.
Everything all right? Er, yup.
Is it gone? The moth? Did you let the moth out of the window? The, er, the the moth? The the big Scottish moth? Oh, the moth.
Er, no, I couldn't get it out.
Er, but it's OK.
Oh, it's so good to be here.
I love the Scots people.
You can tell they don't like us but they're so friendly, it doesn't matter.
Er so the moth is, er, still in there? Yes, Roy, I shut the moth in with the water tank and we can let it out later, or maybe it will die in there and we can take it out in the morning on a paperback.
Right, how about a nice walk? Aye, a walk! Let's do the honours with Mark.
Let's get the whole grisly business over with.
No, I'd, I'd rather look for a lovely spot in the morning.
And I'd rather stay here and talk about us in private? No, but, Steve, maybe out here is better in the public arena, just like Jeremy Kyle or Gladiators.
Just slog it all out.
Oh, it's just so the fire, the heather, this is really all you need, isn't it? You know, I really think if I was with someone I'd move out somewhere like this.
Just the two of us lie around and walk and talk, read, drink wine just find a haven, you know? Mmmmm.
The simple highland life living off trees and books and haggis.
Fair fae your honest, sonsie face Great chieftain of the puddin'-race! Rabbie Burns.
Aye, aye.
If a man cannae be truly happy by the old fire with a pipe and a boot and an old lump of good pie, then what truly does happiness be? Mmmm.
Well, I think I'll turn in.
Good night, Sally.
Good night.
Good night.
I I think I'll ask her, Tom.
Well, she's not gonna boff you tonight, Roy.
Not with old Marko around.
Look, he's still here.
He's still on the scene.
He's still getting his oar in.
In the morning I'm going to ask her if, as companions initially, she wants to move out to the countryside.
Move here with Sally? Well, what about me? What'll happen to me? Well, you'll get a job, or somewhere to live What do you mean? No, I won't, of course I won't.
Anyway we're mates.
I think you're brilliant.
I I love you.
Well, I'm very fond of you, Tom.
But I I think this is a real chance of happiness for me.
Oh, right, save yourself.
You two poshoes are going to grab a lifeboat and hump in it, are you, while I dance a jig with the Irishmen and go down with the ship? It's such a shame it's not working out, you know, because the Well, the sex is good the sex is great.
Let's not I mean, yeah, but how was your flight? Did they show a Mr Bean? Is there something I'm not doing right? I, er, I just really think we've got something haven't we? Oh-h, Steve.
Look, I, I feel I just there's something I need to Oh, I don't know how to tell you this I feel terrible.
You need to know this.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand.
What is it? It isn't lagged, Steve.
It's an uninsulated water tank.
Roy? Roy! Did you hear that? What? I was asleep.
There was a creak.
It it'll be the furniture.
Well, I don't like it.
Our flat-pack furniture at home doesn't creak.
There's no ghosts in flat-pack, and if there was it'd be some cheery Indonesian teenager, not some great Scots piper with blood coming out of his ears.
There is no piper.
Go back to bed.
No, I can't.
Why not? Because, I'm I'm worried you'll be scared.
I'm not scared.
But you might get scared.
It's scary.
You mean that you're scared.
Of course not.
I'm just convinced that you're gonna get scared, so I think I ought to sleep in here.
Well, you're not sleeping in my bed.
Shut up, Roy! I'm doing this for you.
At least you could be grateful.
Look, what I came up here to say was maybe it will be a nightmare, you know, it probably will be a total bloodbath, but why the hell don't we move in together?! Oh, wow! That is the most brilliant Oh, Steve! I'll get some whisky, we'll celebrate! Yes, celebrate.
I'll I'll put on some music.
I had to get out, it was boiling.
There's no lagging in there.
Yeah, I know.
I've got to go.
Not right now, though? Now's a bad time.
He's moving in! I need to take a leak! Well, hold on.
Just you'll just have to use your valve or whatever.
I don't have a valve! I'm sorry about this, but get back in the bag, Malcolm.
Hey! Get back in the bag.
Roy? Roy? Sally? Roy? It's Sally, Tom! Get under the bed.
What? No.
Get under! Don't be ridiculous! She's come to see me.
I don't want her to think we're together, it looks odd, so get under! Coming, Sally, coming.
Roy? Are you up? Oh.
I couldn't sleep.
Could you? Er, no, I, I was wide awake.
It just seems so It's so sad, being here alone.
Would you like to chat, just for a bit? I'd love to.
Oh, Roy.
What am I going to do with my stupid old self? What's going to happen? Oh, it'll be all right.
You'll be all all right.
Um were you serious about wanting to move out somewhere like this? Yes, I was.
I mean, it's a dream.
But alone, it's no life.
If I had an old friend or a chum or something, but it's not practical.
So I was thinking when we move to our flat, we should paint it a new colour.
I mean, a brand-new colour invent one for Steve and Amber.
Yeah, we could call it stamber.
What?! Screw this, I'm off.
Who the hell was that? What? Who who was that in your bag? Who? The man who came out of your bag? A man came out of the bag? A guy just just walked out of here, Amber.
Honestly? I missed that I can't believe I missed that.
Who was it? Well, I suppose if you saw something, um it could have been the ghostie.
He was wearing combat trousers.
Ghosts can wear what they want to, Steve, don't be so narrow-minded.
So you're refusing to admit that anything weird just happened? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Well, this is probably a crazy nut-brained idea, but perhaps we two Yes? What was that? I'll go and have a look.
Are you sure? Sally, I am the man of the house.
This is what men do.
Oh, it's so nice to have a man around.
You are a chum, Roy.
Hello, Sally.
Tom! Sorry to freak you out and all that, but Roy told me to hide under here when you knocked on the door because we'd been, you know, at it.
And he's embarrassed.
Now look, this is rather difficult to say, but just to fill you in, basically Roy is gay.
He's a gay man, although very much of the 1950s Kenneth Williams self-hating variety, whereas I'm much more of a 1970s David Bowie figure.
I'm 90% straight, but I will swing a bit, just for a laugh.
Anyway, please don't tell Roy we've had this conversation.
He's very easily embarrassed.
But I thought I should let you know so you've got the full picture.
Cheers, then! It's all right, it's nothing.
They've got rid of, er the moth.
And Steve's crying, but that's usual, isn't it? Oh, yes, don't worry about that.
So, what I wanted to say, Sally, is perhaps you and I could live together? Not as man and wife though, who knows, things might grow No, Roy.
You should just live your life.
You should fly like a bird.
Like Billy Elliot.
I'm sorry? Just live your life with Tom, Roy.
Be brave.
Bit of a weird one, eh, mate? Still.
You tried.
You can't say you didn't try.
But what did she mean, "Be brave"? Oh, she's probably thinking ahead to when I get together with her, and you're gonna have to be quite brave then.
Come on.
Get in.