The Orville (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Old Wounds
1 (whirring) (powering down) (beeps) (door beeps) (woman chuckles) (woman laughing) (beeps) Oh, no.
Ed.
- Ed, wait, please, Ed.
- Nope, nope, nope.
- Ed, just listen to me for one second.
- Whatever you're gonna say, - I don't want to hear it.
- Give me a minute.
- Let's just talk, please.
- Kel, there's nothing to talk about.
- Yes, there is.
This was a mistake.
- There's nothing at all to talk about.
- I'm done.
- Just give me one minute, Ed.
- I'm done.
- Ed.
(sighing) - sync and correctins by Mr.
C - (door chimes) Come in.
You wanted to see me, Admiral.
Ah, Ed.
Have a seat.
(door whooshes shut) I have good news.
There's a ship available.
It's a mid-level craft.
The USS Orville.
It's not exactly a heavy cruiser, but it is an exploratory vessel.
And we're offering you command.
You're kidding.
Honestly, we would've offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year.
I know, I ha I've had some personal stuff that's been going on; it's not really worth going into.
Can I have one of these mints? Those are marbles.
Ed, I remember when you were at Union Point.
You were at the top of your class.
Your teachers all thought you'd be captaining a heavy cruiser before 40.
But this past year, the-the tardiness, the sloppiness.
My God, you've been put on report for coming into work hungover six times.
Look, the truth is, you're nobody's first choice for this job.
But we have 3,000 ships to staff, and we need captains.
We're giving you one last chance.
I just need to know that you're ready.
Look, Admiral, ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to serve on an exploratory vessel.
And for you to put me in the captain's chair yes, I'm-I'm ready.
- You can count on me.
- Good to hear.
Now, the Orville has a nearly-full crew complement.
Her previous captain retired this month.
But she's still short a helmsman and a first officer.
We're waiting for an XO to become available.
Well, you know, I can get you the best helmsman in the fleet.
You mean Lieutenant Malloy.
I'm aware you two are friends.
Look, I-I know Gordon has his issues, but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him.
Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T85? He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things, but, Admiral, if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm? Well, if you think you can keep him focused, it's your ship, Captain Mercer.
(beeps, grunting) (metal clanking, ogre growling) (both bellow) - Ah! - (ogre grumbles) Oh, hey, Ed.
(both grunting) Ah! Hey, give me one sec.
- What's going on here? - Oh, this is a program I wrote where you can battle an ogre in a samurai village.
It's pretty cool, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
He's a badass fighter, but I gave him a really neat personality.
Hey, dude, this is my buddy Ed.
- Hey, Ed, nice to meet you.
I'm Justin.
- How are you? Oh, great, super, always.
Oh, it's such a treat to meet one of Gordon's friends.
- So, what's going on? - Gordon, I got a ship.
No freaking way! The Orville, mid-level exploratory, and she needs a helmsman.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious? Are you ready? Dude, I was born ready.
- This is crazy.
Holy crap.
- (laughs) Justin, we got a ship.
I am so excited for you guys right now.
I mean, do you just feel, like, so blessed? - We'll take a shuttle up at 0900.
- Sweet.
Oh, hey, Justin, you got a ladybug on you.
Oh, neat.
- Ah! - (digital trilling) MALE AUTOMATED VOICE: You win! - Nice.
- (beeps) So, how many ships in the fleet these days? About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant, which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not - What is that? Is that a beer? - Yeah.
- You're drinking a beer? - Yeah, I'm nervous.
You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression.
It's 9:15 in the morning.
Give it to me.
No.
Give me that right you can't have that when we dock.
No.
Dude, it's-it's one beer.
What, are you worried we're gonna crash? - I'm worried about my job.
- Oh, no.
All right, I'm worried This is very important to me.
- Oh, boy.
- What are you doing? - Oh, I hope we don't crash.
- What are you doing? - Stop.
Gordon, stop it.
Knock - Whoa.
This is like Gordon, knock it off right now.
This is not safe.
- I realize I was just wasted.
- This is not funny or safe.
- Knock it off right now.
- This is like my first beer ever, - and the sensations are all new to me.
- I'm literally ordering you - to stop.
Take your - I hope we don't Sorry.
(woman speaks indistinctly over comm) I'm good.
Is that it? - It's not bad, right? - No, it's good.
You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.
Take us in.
ED: So, to sum up, I just want to say I am thrilled to be your new captain.
I want this to be an efficient ship, tightly run, but also one that you're glad to be serving on.
Everyone but the senior officers is dismissed.
(crew murmuring) AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Orville Engineering, - continue launch prep.
- (door opens and closes) All right, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, our chief of security.
Yes, sir.
You're Xelayan, right? - I am, sir.
- Wait.
Don't you guys have, like, super strength? Xelaya's gravitational pull is high compared to the planetary average, so, yes, in Earth normal gravity, my physical strength is elevated.
Lieutenant, how old are you? - 23.
- You're 23, and you're chief of security on a starship? Xelayans don't usually join the military, so when one of us does, the Union generally fast-tracks us.
Well, I'm-I'm sure they know what they're doing.
Sir, I-I know I'm not as experienced as you were expecting, but you can count on me.
I hope so.
Lieutenant John Lamarr, our navigator.
How's it going, John? Eh, it's going, man.
How's it going with you? It's going good.
It says here you're a level-eight helmsman, too.
- That's pretty impressive.
- Yeah, that-that's right.
Uh, so, our last captain let us have soda on the bridge while we were working, and I just want to make sure that's still okay.
Uh, yeah, if you keep it below the equipment and don't spill any, sure.
Oh, dig it.
Boom.
All right, uh, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer.
You know, I've never met a single-gender species before.
Your entire species is male, isn't it? That is correct, sir.
So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right? No.
Moclans urinate only once per year.
Really? That's Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
That is unfortunate.
It is.
Dr.
Claire Finn.
You're my chief medical officer, yes? Yes, sir, I am.
Welcome aboard.
Your credentials are exceptional.
"Molecular surgery, DNA engineering, psychiatry.
" You could be posted on a heavy cruiser.
What are you doing on the Orville? I always request my transfers based on where I think I'm needed.
I feel more stimulated that way.
And so what made you request this ship? Well, this is your first command, and I think you could use my help.
So you think I might screw up.
No, sir, I didn't say that, sir.
Well, no, but you implied that you don't think I have the balls to do this job.
Well, I am your doctor, sir, and if your balls are under par, I'll know.
(chuckles) All right.
And finally, Isaac, our science and engineering officer, hailing from Kaylon 1.
Affirmative, sir.
You know, I got to tell you, I was surprised to see any Kaylon serving in the fleet.
Aren't you guys legendarily racist? My planet regards humans and other biological life-forms as inferior, if that is your inference.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks.
You are welcome.
So what are you doing on a Union ship? Your fleet's admiralty offered a posting to any Kaylon willing to take it.
As an effort to initiate relations between Kaylon and the Union, we accepted.
I was chosen to represent my planet.
I see it as an ideal opportunity to study human behavior.
Well, we'll, uh we'll try not to bore you.
You will find me to be your most capable officer.
All right, everybody settle in.
We ship out this afternoon.
(knock on door) Hey, what's up? Hey, man, come on in.
Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
Translation: you want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
Something like that.
Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.
- Gordon Malloy.
- John Lamarr.
Cool.
So, I heard you've been out of commission for a minute.
Well, not out of commission, but, uh, - definitely kept on desk duty.
- Well, what'd you do? I mean, your piloting skills are kind of legendary.
How'd you get suspended? I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills.
W-Wait.
No.
R-Really? (laughs): Man, look at your face.
No, no, no, I did a, I did a manual override on a tricky shuttle docking and sheared off a cargo bay door.
Yeah, nobody was hurt, but 300 crates of authentic autumn squash were sucked into space.
Well, that's a lot of damn squash.
Yeah.
I was trying to impress a girl.
Ah, I can respect that.
Needless to say it didn't go over too well.
If it weren't for Ed, I probably wouldn't be back at the helm for a lot longer than this, if ever.
Well, just steer with your head from now on, and you'll be okay.
Yeah.
See you on the bridge.
HALSEY: I wish I could give you something more exciting for your maiden voyage, but it's pretty straightforward.
You'll be delivering supplies to the science station on Epsilon 2.
Hey, sir, I'm not complaining.
It'll be great just to be out there.
Uh, is there any word yet on a first officer? I should have an update in a few hours.
Sounds like you won't have to wait much longer.
Safe travels, Captain.
Captain.
Captain, we've received the green light from dockyard tower, and we're cleared for departure.
Tell them we're good to go.
Lieutenant Malloy, take us out.
Aye, sir.
Departing dockyard.
Dockyard perimeter cleared.
Set course for Epsilon and engage quantum drive.
Course set, drive engaged.
ETA: 19 hours, 51 minutes.
I've never been to the Epsilon Science Station.
- What's it like? - BORTUS: Epsilon 2 is an outpost devoted exclusively to scientific inquiry.
ED: Researchers from all over the galaxy petition to work there.
Really? Wow.
Any good bars? I will investigate.
No, Bortus, you don't have to investigate that.
I have already obtained the information.
- Oh.
- Shall I withhold it? No, you can tell us.
There are no bars.
How about strip clubs? - Gordon.
- Sorry.
There are no strip clubs.
Captain, there's a message coming in from Admiral Halsey.
It says that an executive officer has become available and can rendezvous with the Orville at station 794.
That's great.
That's barely out of our way.
Who is it? He wants me to forward it to you privately.
All right, send it to my station.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- What's the matter? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, crap! Sorry, man, you okay? Yeah, it's all good, man.
You okay? - Yeah, all good.
Sorry.
- All right, no worries.
Calm down, Ed, and be professional about this.
Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation.
Okay, this is my ex-wife, who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her banging a Retepsian.
I know this isn't ideal, but she's the only qualified XO available.
And the staff profile compatibility program indicated your skill sets complement hers.
Oh, it did? See if your compatibility program can get blue out of a white lampshade.
Ed, you need to calm yourself here.
God, I can't even believe this is happening.
Look, she is the only current option, and if you make a stink about an XO assignment one day into your first command, with your record, it's not gonna look good.
And you're telling me she's okay with this? Ed, she requested it.
(console beeps) Sir, Shuttle Bay reports the XO's shuttle has docked.
Can you tell her to come straight to my office? Aye, sir.
The captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his first officer.
Why is this? 'Cause she's a total bitch.
Do you know her? Oh, yeah.
They were married.
No way.
- She cheated on him.
- Aw, damn, that's cold.
Yeah, so this should be a really fun trip for all of us.
Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness, yet you believe it will be fun.
I was being sarcastic.
It's gonna suck.
- Suck? - Yeah, suck.
You know, like, ass, balls.
What he means is, if you don't already drink, you should probably start.
Perhaps we should not be talking about this.
Oh, no, no, no, we're, we're talking about this.
It does not seem appropriate.
Oh, no, we're definitely talking about it.
Th-Th-This is a thing.
(door chimes) (sighs) Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
Can I come in? It's a nice office.
Thank you.
Did you pick out the furniture? You know, I didn't, but if you're really interested in the furniture, I'd be happy to get all the information I can about it.
I could have somebody compile a full report and have it sent to your quarters this afternoon.
Maybe you'd find something nice for your new apartment.
Are you all finished? Well, you know, I thought I was, but, apparently, you're not.
Ed I can't apologize enough.
I know it doesn't matter to you, but I-I am sorrier for what I did to you than anything I've ever done in my entire life.
You know, I've done a pretty good job getting over all this in the past year, and I'm over it, so why don't you tell me what the hell you're doing here? I heard about your promotion.
I also heard there was no XO available, and you know how the fleet admirals are.
They don't like to see a captain on his own for too long.
And I figured I'd wronged you so badly that if there was something good I could do for you, it'd help me atone in some way.
So I requested a transfer.
I literally bailed on my own crewmates to come here.
Well, you bailed on a whole marriage, so I imagine that was a piece of cake for you, huh? Ed, look, I'm not saying what I did wasn't disgraceful, but I only did it because I didn't have you.
(laughs): There it is.
How long did that take you? How many minutes into this conversation? You were working nonstop.
Okay, there were entire days - I wouldn't see you.
- Yeah, I was working for us, Kelly, for you and I.
That you know this.
I didn't ask you to do that.
Okay? Y-You just shut off from our relationship.
I-I didn't know how to handle it.
So you banged Papa Smurf in our bed.
- That's one way to handle it.
- Darulio was there when you weren't.
And you know how many times I tried to talk to you, but you just kept putting me off? Whe-When did you try to talk to me? - So many times.
- Where it wasn't, like, an insidious, - subtle, sarcastic - Either you weren't hearing me or you weren't around at all, but I did try.
I was the one who suggested couples counseling.
Couples counseling? The therapist was your brother-in-law.
Look, this okay this ship is what I've been waiting for my entire career.
My entire life.
So why are you doing this to me? As soon as another XO becomes available, I'll be the one to request a transfer.
(door whooshes open) Whoa, hey.
Hi there.
I was just on my way to the john.
Well, I'm-I'm glad I bumped into you.
Do you have a second? Sure.
I can hold it.
Okay.
Gordon, I just want to make sure You know what? You should probably call me Lieutenant Malloy, seeing as how you're my boss now sir.
Right.
Lieutenant.
I just want to make sure that everything's all right between us.
I mean, I'm assuming that you and Ed are still close.
Yeah.
Yeah, and what happened between Ed and I, that it was a mistake.
A big one.
And, um, I guess I just want to know that you're gonna be okay taking orders from me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, no, no.
I'm a professional, don't worry about that.
That's good to hear.
Actually, the folks up on the bridge were asking about you earlier, and I was telling them you're actually - a really cool person.
- Really? I kind of primed the pump for you up there, you know.
All good vibes.
That's very magnanimous of you.
I got you.
I got you.
(sighs) So, um, permission to pee? Oh.
(chuckles): Granted, yes.
Sweet, sweet.
Hey, I'm gonna go look up what "magnanimous" means.
- Great.
- Great.
I mean, pee first, though.
Priorities.
(laughing): You know it.
Entering orbit of Epsilon 2.
Lieutenant Kitan, signal them we're ready.
ALARA: Aye, Commander.
Man, you could cut the tension with a knife.
Do not make eye contact.
Orville to Epsilon Science Station.
We're here and ready to bring down supplies.
Orville, this is Dr.
Aronov.
I am chief of this facility.
May I speak to your captain? Put him on the viewer.
Dr.
Aronov, this is Captain Ed Mercer.
We're about to start sending down your supplies.
Actually, Captain, we-we don't need any supplies.
I-I don't understand.
You requested these supplies yourself, yeah? I did.
I'm sorry.
I-I wouldn't have lied unless I had to.
Please, come down to the surface.
I will explain everything.
This is really strange.
Yeah, it's a great way to start things off.
Bortus, you have the conn.
Lieutenant, you're with us.
You see that dog in the background licking his balls? First thing I saw.
MAN: Prepare for Orville shuttle arrival, Bay 3.
Captain Mercer.
Welcome to Epsilon 2.
- Thank you for coming.
- Dr.
Aronov.
- This is my security chief, Alara Kitan.
- Hi.
- My chief medical officer, Claire Finn.
- Pleasure.
And my ex-wife, Kelly Grayson.
I'm his first officer.
Ah.
But if any of your research team needs an artless, jabby-nail shoulder massage, she's the best there is.
Doctor, you want to tell us why you falsely diverted a starship on active duty? You know you could do time for that.
We need protection.
Protection from what? The Krill.
There have been no Krill ships sighted in this area.
Come inside.
I'll explain.
(indistinct voice over P.
A.
system) Wow.
No wonder they call this place the scientists' playground.
- Incredible, isn't it? - Yeah.
Here.
Follow me through the botany lab.
We're doing genetic research and development here that will change the face of the galaxy.
(shouts) (chirping) Is that one of your projects? No, no, that's Dr.
Jorvik, our chief botanist.
Keep up, please.
What sort of research are you doing here? Oh, well, uh this is a redwood seed.
- Looks pretty ordinary, yes? - KELLY: Sure.
Well, this seed has been genetically engineered with tardigrade DNA, which means it can survive and grow in anything.
Rock, metal, sand.
It can exist a hundred years without water.
You can toss this seed in the middle of the Sahara, and in a century you'll have a towering redwood.
That's really impressive.
And as a bonus, a healthy snack.
Here, try some.
(Mercer sighs) Yeah, it's very tasty.
Listen, Dr.
Aronov, why are we here? I couldn't tell you the real reason we needed a Union ship because I couldn't risk divulging the information over open communications.
This way.
(sighs) This is Janice Lee, one of our most brilliant young physicists.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Janice has been experimenting with temporal fields and has made well, a breakthrough would be an understatement.
So, it's an anti-banana ray? It's really interesting.
We need no longer fear the banana.
- Does it work on all fruit? - What about salads? Do you understand what happened to this banana? It's rotten because a month has passed.
Since we got here? Yeah, that's what it feels like.
LEE: Captain Mercer, this banana is suspended in a quantum bubble that can be adjusted to accelerate time.
Out here only a few moments have passed.
Inside the bubble, it's a month in the future.
Does it work in both directions? Like, could somebody use it to go backward in time and tell their younger self not to make a terrible life decision? Hey, will you give it a rest for, like, five minutes? - No, I didn't mean that-that - I know what you meant.
No, I just meant, like, tell yourself not to break your leg in that fall or don't eat too many carbs or-or don't get married, but is that how it works? No, the field can only accelerate the forward pace of time.
Captain we have figured out a way to use quantum field technology to manipulate the speed of events.
CLAIRE: Sir, I've read about this hypothetical.
Quantum field manipulation of the flow of time is theoretically possible.
Wait, so so you're serious? - My God.
- ARONOV: Think of the benefits.
Entire crops grown in the blink of an eye.
Starving populations supplied with limitless amounts of food overnight.
Life-threatening wounds healed - (snaps fingers) instantly.
- Or entire armies reduced to frail elders instantly.
You do realize this could also be used as a weapon.
That's why you're here.
We couldn't risk sending word to the Union fleet about what we'd discovered.
If the Krill intercepted it, they could've been here long before you.
Well, we're only one ship and not a big one, so we better get help.
How fast does the field of acceleration go? How would you like to see a 100-year-old banana? Watch this.
Mercer to Bortus.
Bortus here, sir.
Get a coded message to Union Central that Epsilon 2 is in possession of a Put down that comscanner, Captain.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this? What's going on? Put down that comscanner and drop all your weapons now.
Listen, I don't know what you're trying to Okay, okay, relax.
Move.
ARONOV: Derek, what the hell are you doing? (whispering): Oh, of course it's a Derek.
Who is this man? Derek Ashton, he's a lab technician.
He's been here over a year.
I don't understand this.
Explain yourself.
Ashton to Krill vessel.
It's time.
Derek, listen to me.
Don't do this.
Back off! (screaming) - Back off! Back off.
- Look, you Stay back! Stay where you are.
Bortus to Captain Mercer.
We've just detected a Krill destroyer entering orbit.
Raise deflector screens.
Deflector screens up.
Two Krill shuttles are heading for the surface.
Captain, there are Krill soldiers heading down to you.
Captain.
God, there's no way we're gonna be out by 5:00 today, are we? BORTUS: Captain.
Do you read? ASHTON: Answer him.
Tell him the Krill come in peace - and to stand down all weapons.
- They won't believe me.
- Do it! - Listen, I - Do it now! - Okay.
BORTUS: Captain, do you read? - Please respond.
- Say something! Mercer to Bortus.
The Krill are here in peace.
Uh They just came down for The lab is having a pizza party and the Krill are invited.
Oh, man, can we go? Oh, Bortus, can we please go down there? Did you say a pizza party? It's for office birthdays.
Lot of September birthdays down here.
(grunts) Alara, good work.
Bortus, the Krill are here to attack.
Keep the weapons charged and the deflectors up until we can get to you.
There is no pizza party.
I repeat, there is no pizza party.
She's dead.
- My God, she must be over 125 years old.
- Dr.
Aronov, we have to get the device back to the Orville.
What do we need? Detach the main generator and grab the controller device.
(soldier speaking Krill) BORTUS: Orville to Krill ship.
Call off your attack on the surface or we will respond.
The Krill are powering weapons.
Deflectors are at two-thirds power.
Return fire.
(speaks Krill) Back, back, back, back, back.
(people shouting) Doc, is there another way out of here? There's an old loading conduit, but it's across the atrium.
We're gonna have to sprint for it.
- All right, get ready.
- Doc, stay behind Alara.
Which one's Alara? Oh, I'm Alara.
Sorry, still learning names.
Now.
(shouts) (grunts) (grunts) (beeping) Ka'vaska! Deflectors at half power.
Sir, I think I can buy us some time till we can get the landing party back.
Let me wing it here? Proceed.
This is something I call "hugging the donkey.
" You can hug the donkey? Dude, I've been hugging the donkey since flight school.
(whooping, laughing) Round and round she goes! Ha, ha! It's dead.
(grunts) Door's jammed.
Alara.
You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (grunts) I loosened it for you.
(growls) Alara, get the device back to the shuttle.
- We'll cover you.
- Got it.
(panting) Okay.
(weapons firing in distance) (whirring) (growls) (groans) Everybody, strap in.
Shuttle to Orville, we're on our way.
Captain, let me see that shoulder.
- Does it hurt? - Yeah, it hurts like hell.
That means it's not that bad.
What are you talking about, Kelly? I literally just said it hurts like hell.
When he's really in pain, he gives straight answers with no cussing.
He's just hoping you give him drugs.
That's a bunch of crap, Kelly.
I'm in real pain here.
I why, do you have drugs on, on? Did you? Everything's on the ship.
Approaching ionosphere, adjusting attitude.
Mercer to Bortus.
Are you gonna be able to cut the deflectors long enough for us to get through? BORTUS: It may not matter, sir.
The deflectors are almost gone.
Oh, boy, that can't be good.
They won't fire on us, they know we have the device.
Give me the device.
Give me the device, and perhaps I will not harm you.
(quietly): All right, he's got a gun.
But we have something better.
What? Seat belts.
(shouts) Deflectors are depleted.
That was a piece of the upper engine! We've lost helm control! Mercer to Orville, we've lost navigational control and we're about 12 seconds away from hitting you - like a bug on a windshield.
- Lieutenant, can you align the shuttle bay doors with their trajectory? Sir, even if I was the best helmsman in the galaxy, that's virtually impossible.
If you can hug the donkey, you can do this.
Come on, man, you got this.
You can do it.
It's like threading a needle in a hurricane, but I'll try.
(laughter, cheering) - Yes.
(whoops) - (exhales sharply) Well done, Lieutenant.
Sir, since I pulled that off, can I please wear shorts to work? I've already said no.
Return fire.
Secure that Krill! KRILL COMMANDER: Union vessel, surrender and prepare to be boarded.
Upper and middle engines are gone, Captain.
- I have failed you.
- Ship's in one piece, Bortus.
I couldn't have done better.
Isaac.
If I can buy us some time, can you restore enough power to the lower engine to get us out of here? - I can try, sir.
- Do it.
Alara, hail the commander of the Krill ship.
Captain, he's already signaling us.
Put him on.
Krill Commander, this is Captain Ed Mercer.
Break off your attack, and we can talk.
Give me the device, human, or I will destroy your ship.
Sorry, can you, can you move, like, - two steps to your right? - What? Just like a little, t-tiny bit It's just a lot of dead space there, just Yeah, just right th perfect.
Yeah, sorry, you were just very weirdly framed, it was all I could focus on.
Anyway, what is it you want? You know what I want.
Sorry, right, yeah, sorry.
I'm a little distracted lately.
I just got out of a rough marriage, and it's been a difficult time.
- My wife had an affair - Oh, my God.
Are you really bringing this up right now? I'm trying to keep him talking, so I can buy us some time.
Oh, okay.
In that case, you know what? You're an objective third party.
Are you married? What? Oh, my God, you're ac you're bringing him into our No, I'm just buying us some time.
Let me ask you something.
Do you make an effort to balance your career with your home life? A marriage is work.
It takes work, right? Compromise.
On both sides, yes.
And if you didn't make that effort, would you be surprised if your wife sought comfort in the arms of another? No, that would be selfish.
"No, that would be s" Yeah, yeah, 'cause both of you are complete friggin' saints.
You know what? I don't have to sit here and listen - (explosion) - KRILL COMMANDER: Enough! Emergency power.
You have 20 seconds to give me the device, or you will die.
Isaac, what about that engine? Still only at partial power, sir.
Alara, put the Krill on hold.
I have an idea.
What is it? Let's give him the device.
- What? - Dr.
Aronov, can you preset the field to fire up at a specific intensity the moment the Krill activate it? I think so, but why? And the field can accelerate time a hundred years.
- Correct? - Yes, it can.
About how long it takes a redwood to grow.
Alara, put him back on.
All right, Commander, you win.
We'll send you the device by remote shuttle.
When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code.
Do not take long.
We won't.
Maybe she's not such a bitch.
State-of-the-art weaponry on this ship and we're using glue.
My favorite part of being a fleet officer.
The arts and crafts.
You know, if we had time, I'd make a macaroni man to put on here.
You can make a macaroni man? I make really good macaroni men.
All right, let's get her out of here.
The shuttle is aboard the Krill ship.
Signal them.
All right, Commander.
You have it.
Excellent.
Now, give me the activation code.
The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero.
(beeping) Happy Arbor Day.
Wait.
What's Arbor Day? It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
I wouldn't have got that.
Oh, yeah.
No, I didn't get that, either.
You knew what Arbor Day was, right? I mean, actually, I had to think a second.
Kind of confusing.
Nobody knows what Arbor Day is.
- BORTUS: No.
- ALARA: No.
- I knew.
- BORTUS: I do not.
What would you have said? I would've said, "You got wood.
" - (laughter) - GORDON: Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, that is better, isn't it? (door chimes) Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
I didn't want to bother you unless I had to.
You've kind of kept to yourself these last few days.
Yeah, the admirals want a full report on the Epsilon 2 stuff, so it's just taking a while.
Yeah, you need some help? No, I got it.
So, um, I just wanted to tell you - (whirring, clicking) - that Lieutenant Commander Murphy Sorry.
Excuse me.
Can you just Just not now.
No, just we're talking.
We're t Yes.
Good, you got it, good.
Okay.
Lieutenant Commander Murphy of the USS - (whirring, clicking) - Oh, my God.
Just come back l just do it later.
Thank you.
Just not now, we're having a conversation.
Thank yes.
Thank you.
Good.
Thumbs up.
Okay.
Sorry, go ahead.
Lieutenant Commander Murphy of the USS Chanute just got promoted.
So now he's eligible for a first officer position.
And he's a friend of mine.
So I told him he could have this posting.
He's a great guy, you're gonna love him, and I'll be out of your hair by the end of the day.
Okay.
Okay.
Wait.
I never really said thank you for what you did.
You saved the ship.
I was just doing my job.
You were always better at solving my problems than I was.
You were always wise.
Well thank you for saying that.
Kelly.
I'm asking you to stay.
Really? You're one hell of an XO, and I think you'd make a fine addition to this crew.
A-And you're not concerned about the other stuff? We'll figure it out.
Welcome to the Orville, Commander Grayson.
(door chimes) Come in.
Commander Grayson, have a seat.
I can't stay long.
I just wanted to say thank you.
For trusting me.
Your father and I were close.
I owed him one.
Regardless, it looks like you were right about Ed.
You made a hell of a plea for us to give him that command.
Honestly, I don't think we would've done it otherwise.
I know.
But he's a smart officer who just had a little rough patch.
Does he know? No.
And I plan on keeping it that way.
Well he's lucky to have you on his side.
Thank you.
Take care, Admiral.
(door whooshes open)
Ed.
- Ed, wait, please, Ed.
- Nope, nope, nope.
- Ed, just listen to me for one second.
- Whatever you're gonna say, - I don't want to hear it.
- Give me a minute.
- Let's just talk, please.
- Kel, there's nothing to talk about.
- Yes, there is.
This was a mistake.
- There's nothing at all to talk about.
- I'm done.
- Just give me one minute, Ed.
- I'm done.
- Ed.
(sighing) - sync and correctins by Mr.
C - (door chimes) Come in.
You wanted to see me, Admiral.
Ah, Ed.
Have a seat.
(door whooshes shut) I have good news.
There's a ship available.
It's a mid-level craft.
The USS Orville.
It's not exactly a heavy cruiser, but it is an exploratory vessel.
And we're offering you command.
You're kidding.
Honestly, we would've offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year.
I know, I ha I've had some personal stuff that's been going on; it's not really worth going into.
Can I have one of these mints? Those are marbles.
Ed, I remember when you were at Union Point.
You were at the top of your class.
Your teachers all thought you'd be captaining a heavy cruiser before 40.
But this past year, the-the tardiness, the sloppiness.
My God, you've been put on report for coming into work hungover six times.
Look, the truth is, you're nobody's first choice for this job.
But we have 3,000 ships to staff, and we need captains.
We're giving you one last chance.
I just need to know that you're ready.
Look, Admiral, ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to serve on an exploratory vessel.
And for you to put me in the captain's chair yes, I'm-I'm ready.
- You can count on me.
- Good to hear.
Now, the Orville has a nearly-full crew complement.
Her previous captain retired this month.
But she's still short a helmsman and a first officer.
We're waiting for an XO to become available.
Well, you know, I can get you the best helmsman in the fleet.
You mean Lieutenant Malloy.
I'm aware you two are friends.
Look, I-I know Gordon has his issues, but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him.
Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T85? He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things, but, Admiral, if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm? Well, if you think you can keep him focused, it's your ship, Captain Mercer.
(beeps, grunting) (metal clanking, ogre growling) (both bellow) - Ah! - (ogre grumbles) Oh, hey, Ed.
(both grunting) Ah! Hey, give me one sec.
- What's going on here? - Oh, this is a program I wrote where you can battle an ogre in a samurai village.
It's pretty cool, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
He's a badass fighter, but I gave him a really neat personality.
Hey, dude, this is my buddy Ed.
- Hey, Ed, nice to meet you.
I'm Justin.
- How are you? Oh, great, super, always.
Oh, it's such a treat to meet one of Gordon's friends.
- So, what's going on? - Gordon, I got a ship.
No freaking way! The Orville, mid-level exploratory, and she needs a helmsman.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious? Are you ready? Dude, I was born ready.
- This is crazy.
Holy crap.
- (laughs) Justin, we got a ship.
I am so excited for you guys right now.
I mean, do you just feel, like, so blessed? - We'll take a shuttle up at 0900.
- Sweet.
Oh, hey, Justin, you got a ladybug on you.
Oh, neat.
- Ah! - (digital trilling) MALE AUTOMATED VOICE: You win! - Nice.
- (beeps) So, how many ships in the fleet these days? About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant, which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not - What is that? Is that a beer? - Yeah.
- You're drinking a beer? - Yeah, I'm nervous.
You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression.
It's 9:15 in the morning.
Give it to me.
No.
Give me that right you can't have that when we dock.
No.
Dude, it's-it's one beer.
What, are you worried we're gonna crash? - I'm worried about my job.
- Oh, no.
All right, I'm worried This is very important to me.
- Oh, boy.
- What are you doing? - Oh, I hope we don't crash.
- What are you doing? - Stop.
Gordon, stop it.
Knock - Whoa.
This is like Gordon, knock it off right now.
This is not safe.
- I realize I was just wasted.
- This is not funny or safe.
- Knock it off right now.
- This is like my first beer ever, - and the sensations are all new to me.
- I'm literally ordering you - to stop.
Take your - I hope we don't Sorry.
(woman speaks indistinctly over comm) I'm good.
Is that it? - It's not bad, right? - No, it's good.
You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.
Take us in.
ED: So, to sum up, I just want to say I am thrilled to be your new captain.
I want this to be an efficient ship, tightly run, but also one that you're glad to be serving on.
Everyone but the senior officers is dismissed.
(crew murmuring) AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Orville Engineering, - continue launch prep.
- (door opens and closes) All right, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, our chief of security.
Yes, sir.
You're Xelayan, right? - I am, sir.
- Wait.
Don't you guys have, like, super strength? Xelaya's gravitational pull is high compared to the planetary average, so, yes, in Earth normal gravity, my physical strength is elevated.
Lieutenant, how old are you? - 23.
- You're 23, and you're chief of security on a starship? Xelayans don't usually join the military, so when one of us does, the Union generally fast-tracks us.
Well, I'm-I'm sure they know what they're doing.
Sir, I-I know I'm not as experienced as you were expecting, but you can count on me.
I hope so.
Lieutenant John Lamarr, our navigator.
How's it going, John? Eh, it's going, man.
How's it going with you? It's going good.
It says here you're a level-eight helmsman, too.
- That's pretty impressive.
- Yeah, that-that's right.
Uh, so, our last captain let us have soda on the bridge while we were working, and I just want to make sure that's still okay.
Uh, yeah, if you keep it below the equipment and don't spill any, sure.
Oh, dig it.
Boom.
All right, uh, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer.
You know, I've never met a single-gender species before.
Your entire species is male, isn't it? That is correct, sir.
So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right? No.
Moclans urinate only once per year.
Really? That's Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
That is unfortunate.
It is.
Dr.
Claire Finn.
You're my chief medical officer, yes? Yes, sir, I am.
Welcome aboard.
Your credentials are exceptional.
"Molecular surgery, DNA engineering, psychiatry.
" You could be posted on a heavy cruiser.
What are you doing on the Orville? I always request my transfers based on where I think I'm needed.
I feel more stimulated that way.
And so what made you request this ship? Well, this is your first command, and I think you could use my help.
So you think I might screw up.
No, sir, I didn't say that, sir.
Well, no, but you implied that you don't think I have the balls to do this job.
Well, I am your doctor, sir, and if your balls are under par, I'll know.
(chuckles) All right.
And finally, Isaac, our science and engineering officer, hailing from Kaylon 1.
Affirmative, sir.
You know, I got to tell you, I was surprised to see any Kaylon serving in the fleet.
Aren't you guys legendarily racist? My planet regards humans and other biological life-forms as inferior, if that is your inference.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks.
You are welcome.
So what are you doing on a Union ship? Your fleet's admiralty offered a posting to any Kaylon willing to take it.
As an effort to initiate relations between Kaylon and the Union, we accepted.
I was chosen to represent my planet.
I see it as an ideal opportunity to study human behavior.
Well, we'll, uh we'll try not to bore you.
You will find me to be your most capable officer.
All right, everybody settle in.
We ship out this afternoon.
(knock on door) Hey, what's up? Hey, man, come on in.
Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
Translation: you want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
Something like that.
Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.
- Gordon Malloy.
- John Lamarr.
Cool.
So, I heard you've been out of commission for a minute.
Well, not out of commission, but, uh, - definitely kept on desk duty.
- Well, what'd you do? I mean, your piloting skills are kind of legendary.
How'd you get suspended? I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills.
W-Wait.
No.
R-Really? (laughs): Man, look at your face.
No, no, no, I did a, I did a manual override on a tricky shuttle docking and sheared off a cargo bay door.
Yeah, nobody was hurt, but 300 crates of authentic autumn squash were sucked into space.
Well, that's a lot of damn squash.
Yeah.
I was trying to impress a girl.
Ah, I can respect that.
Needless to say it didn't go over too well.
If it weren't for Ed, I probably wouldn't be back at the helm for a lot longer than this, if ever.
Well, just steer with your head from now on, and you'll be okay.
Yeah.
See you on the bridge.
HALSEY: I wish I could give you something more exciting for your maiden voyage, but it's pretty straightforward.
You'll be delivering supplies to the science station on Epsilon 2.
Hey, sir, I'm not complaining.
It'll be great just to be out there.
Uh, is there any word yet on a first officer? I should have an update in a few hours.
Sounds like you won't have to wait much longer.
Safe travels, Captain.
Captain.
Captain, we've received the green light from dockyard tower, and we're cleared for departure.
Tell them we're good to go.
Lieutenant Malloy, take us out.
Aye, sir.
Departing dockyard.
Dockyard perimeter cleared.
Set course for Epsilon and engage quantum drive.
Course set, drive engaged.
ETA: 19 hours, 51 minutes.
I've never been to the Epsilon Science Station.
- What's it like? - BORTUS: Epsilon 2 is an outpost devoted exclusively to scientific inquiry.
ED: Researchers from all over the galaxy petition to work there.
Really? Wow.
Any good bars? I will investigate.
No, Bortus, you don't have to investigate that.
I have already obtained the information.
- Oh.
- Shall I withhold it? No, you can tell us.
There are no bars.
How about strip clubs? - Gordon.
- Sorry.
There are no strip clubs.
Captain, there's a message coming in from Admiral Halsey.
It says that an executive officer has become available and can rendezvous with the Orville at station 794.
That's great.
That's barely out of our way.
Who is it? He wants me to forward it to you privately.
All right, send it to my station.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- What's the matter? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, crap! Sorry, man, you okay? Yeah, it's all good, man.
You okay? - Yeah, all good.
Sorry.
- All right, no worries.
Calm down, Ed, and be professional about this.
Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation.
Okay, this is my ex-wife, who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her banging a Retepsian.
I know this isn't ideal, but she's the only qualified XO available.
And the staff profile compatibility program indicated your skill sets complement hers.
Oh, it did? See if your compatibility program can get blue out of a white lampshade.
Ed, you need to calm yourself here.
God, I can't even believe this is happening.
Look, she is the only current option, and if you make a stink about an XO assignment one day into your first command, with your record, it's not gonna look good.
And you're telling me she's okay with this? Ed, she requested it.
(console beeps) Sir, Shuttle Bay reports the XO's shuttle has docked.
Can you tell her to come straight to my office? Aye, sir.
The captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his first officer.
Why is this? 'Cause she's a total bitch.
Do you know her? Oh, yeah.
They were married.
No way.
- She cheated on him.
- Aw, damn, that's cold.
Yeah, so this should be a really fun trip for all of us.
Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness, yet you believe it will be fun.
I was being sarcastic.
It's gonna suck.
- Suck? - Yeah, suck.
You know, like, ass, balls.
What he means is, if you don't already drink, you should probably start.
Perhaps we should not be talking about this.
Oh, no, no, no, we're, we're talking about this.
It does not seem appropriate.
Oh, no, we're definitely talking about it.
Th-Th-This is a thing.
(door chimes) (sighs) Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
Can I come in? It's a nice office.
Thank you.
Did you pick out the furniture? You know, I didn't, but if you're really interested in the furniture, I'd be happy to get all the information I can about it.
I could have somebody compile a full report and have it sent to your quarters this afternoon.
Maybe you'd find something nice for your new apartment.
Are you all finished? Well, you know, I thought I was, but, apparently, you're not.
Ed I can't apologize enough.
I know it doesn't matter to you, but I-I am sorrier for what I did to you than anything I've ever done in my entire life.
You know, I've done a pretty good job getting over all this in the past year, and I'm over it, so why don't you tell me what the hell you're doing here? I heard about your promotion.
I also heard there was no XO available, and you know how the fleet admirals are.
They don't like to see a captain on his own for too long.
And I figured I'd wronged you so badly that if there was something good I could do for you, it'd help me atone in some way.
So I requested a transfer.
I literally bailed on my own crewmates to come here.
Well, you bailed on a whole marriage, so I imagine that was a piece of cake for you, huh? Ed, look, I'm not saying what I did wasn't disgraceful, but I only did it because I didn't have you.
(laughs): There it is.
How long did that take you? How many minutes into this conversation? You were working nonstop.
Okay, there were entire days - I wouldn't see you.
- Yeah, I was working for us, Kelly, for you and I.
That you know this.
I didn't ask you to do that.
Okay? Y-You just shut off from our relationship.
I-I didn't know how to handle it.
So you banged Papa Smurf in our bed.
- That's one way to handle it.
- Darulio was there when you weren't.
And you know how many times I tried to talk to you, but you just kept putting me off? Whe-When did you try to talk to me? - So many times.
- Where it wasn't, like, an insidious, - subtle, sarcastic - Either you weren't hearing me or you weren't around at all, but I did try.
I was the one who suggested couples counseling.
Couples counseling? The therapist was your brother-in-law.
Look, this okay this ship is what I've been waiting for my entire career.
My entire life.
So why are you doing this to me? As soon as another XO becomes available, I'll be the one to request a transfer.
(door whooshes open) Whoa, hey.
Hi there.
I was just on my way to the john.
Well, I'm-I'm glad I bumped into you.
Do you have a second? Sure.
I can hold it.
Okay.
Gordon, I just want to make sure You know what? You should probably call me Lieutenant Malloy, seeing as how you're my boss now sir.
Right.
Lieutenant.
I just want to make sure that everything's all right between us.
I mean, I'm assuming that you and Ed are still close.
Yeah.
Yeah, and what happened between Ed and I, that it was a mistake.
A big one.
And, um, I guess I just want to know that you're gonna be okay taking orders from me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, no, no.
I'm a professional, don't worry about that.
That's good to hear.
Actually, the folks up on the bridge were asking about you earlier, and I was telling them you're actually - a really cool person.
- Really? I kind of primed the pump for you up there, you know.
All good vibes.
That's very magnanimous of you.
I got you.
I got you.
(sighs) So, um, permission to pee? Oh.
(chuckles): Granted, yes.
Sweet, sweet.
Hey, I'm gonna go look up what "magnanimous" means.
- Great.
- Great.
I mean, pee first, though.
Priorities.
(laughing): You know it.
Entering orbit of Epsilon 2.
Lieutenant Kitan, signal them we're ready.
ALARA: Aye, Commander.
Man, you could cut the tension with a knife.
Do not make eye contact.
Orville to Epsilon Science Station.
We're here and ready to bring down supplies.
Orville, this is Dr.
Aronov.
I am chief of this facility.
May I speak to your captain? Put him on the viewer.
Dr.
Aronov, this is Captain Ed Mercer.
We're about to start sending down your supplies.
Actually, Captain, we-we don't need any supplies.
I-I don't understand.
You requested these supplies yourself, yeah? I did.
I'm sorry.
I-I wouldn't have lied unless I had to.
Please, come down to the surface.
I will explain everything.
This is really strange.
Yeah, it's a great way to start things off.
Bortus, you have the conn.
Lieutenant, you're with us.
You see that dog in the background licking his balls? First thing I saw.
MAN: Prepare for Orville shuttle arrival, Bay 3.
Captain Mercer.
Welcome to Epsilon 2.
- Thank you for coming.
- Dr.
Aronov.
- This is my security chief, Alara Kitan.
- Hi.
- My chief medical officer, Claire Finn.
- Pleasure.
And my ex-wife, Kelly Grayson.
I'm his first officer.
Ah.
But if any of your research team needs an artless, jabby-nail shoulder massage, she's the best there is.
Doctor, you want to tell us why you falsely diverted a starship on active duty? You know you could do time for that.
We need protection.
Protection from what? The Krill.
There have been no Krill ships sighted in this area.
Come inside.
I'll explain.
(indistinct voice over P.
A.
system) Wow.
No wonder they call this place the scientists' playground.
- Incredible, isn't it? - Yeah.
Here.
Follow me through the botany lab.
We're doing genetic research and development here that will change the face of the galaxy.
(shouts) (chirping) Is that one of your projects? No, no, that's Dr.
Jorvik, our chief botanist.
Keep up, please.
What sort of research are you doing here? Oh, well, uh this is a redwood seed.
- Looks pretty ordinary, yes? - KELLY: Sure.
Well, this seed has been genetically engineered with tardigrade DNA, which means it can survive and grow in anything.
Rock, metal, sand.
It can exist a hundred years without water.
You can toss this seed in the middle of the Sahara, and in a century you'll have a towering redwood.
That's really impressive.
And as a bonus, a healthy snack.
Here, try some.
(Mercer sighs) Yeah, it's very tasty.
Listen, Dr.
Aronov, why are we here? I couldn't tell you the real reason we needed a Union ship because I couldn't risk divulging the information over open communications.
This way.
(sighs) This is Janice Lee, one of our most brilliant young physicists.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Janice has been experimenting with temporal fields and has made well, a breakthrough would be an understatement.
So, it's an anti-banana ray? It's really interesting.
We need no longer fear the banana.
- Does it work on all fruit? - What about salads? Do you understand what happened to this banana? It's rotten because a month has passed.
Since we got here? Yeah, that's what it feels like.
LEE: Captain Mercer, this banana is suspended in a quantum bubble that can be adjusted to accelerate time.
Out here only a few moments have passed.
Inside the bubble, it's a month in the future.
Does it work in both directions? Like, could somebody use it to go backward in time and tell their younger self not to make a terrible life decision? Hey, will you give it a rest for, like, five minutes? - No, I didn't mean that-that - I know what you meant.
No, I just meant, like, tell yourself not to break your leg in that fall or don't eat too many carbs or-or don't get married, but is that how it works? No, the field can only accelerate the forward pace of time.
Captain we have figured out a way to use quantum field technology to manipulate the speed of events.
CLAIRE: Sir, I've read about this hypothetical.
Quantum field manipulation of the flow of time is theoretically possible.
Wait, so so you're serious? - My God.
- ARONOV: Think of the benefits.
Entire crops grown in the blink of an eye.
Starving populations supplied with limitless amounts of food overnight.
Life-threatening wounds healed - (snaps fingers) instantly.
- Or entire armies reduced to frail elders instantly.
You do realize this could also be used as a weapon.
That's why you're here.
We couldn't risk sending word to the Union fleet about what we'd discovered.
If the Krill intercepted it, they could've been here long before you.
Well, we're only one ship and not a big one, so we better get help.
How fast does the field of acceleration go? How would you like to see a 100-year-old banana? Watch this.
Mercer to Bortus.
Bortus here, sir.
Get a coded message to Union Central that Epsilon 2 is in possession of a Put down that comscanner, Captain.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this? What's going on? Put down that comscanner and drop all your weapons now.
Listen, I don't know what you're trying to Okay, okay, relax.
Move.
ARONOV: Derek, what the hell are you doing? (whispering): Oh, of course it's a Derek.
Who is this man? Derek Ashton, he's a lab technician.
He's been here over a year.
I don't understand this.
Explain yourself.
Ashton to Krill vessel.
It's time.
Derek, listen to me.
Don't do this.
Back off! (screaming) - Back off! Back off.
- Look, you Stay back! Stay where you are.
Bortus to Captain Mercer.
We've just detected a Krill destroyer entering orbit.
Raise deflector screens.
Deflector screens up.
Two Krill shuttles are heading for the surface.
Captain, there are Krill soldiers heading down to you.
Captain.
God, there's no way we're gonna be out by 5:00 today, are we? BORTUS: Captain.
Do you read? ASHTON: Answer him.
Tell him the Krill come in peace - and to stand down all weapons.
- They won't believe me.
- Do it! - Listen, I - Do it now! - Okay.
BORTUS: Captain, do you read? - Please respond.
- Say something! Mercer to Bortus.
The Krill are here in peace.
Uh They just came down for The lab is having a pizza party and the Krill are invited.
Oh, man, can we go? Oh, Bortus, can we please go down there? Did you say a pizza party? It's for office birthdays.
Lot of September birthdays down here.
(grunts) Alara, good work.
Bortus, the Krill are here to attack.
Keep the weapons charged and the deflectors up until we can get to you.
There is no pizza party.
I repeat, there is no pizza party.
She's dead.
- My God, she must be over 125 years old.
- Dr.
Aronov, we have to get the device back to the Orville.
What do we need? Detach the main generator and grab the controller device.
(soldier speaking Krill) BORTUS: Orville to Krill ship.
Call off your attack on the surface or we will respond.
The Krill are powering weapons.
Deflectors are at two-thirds power.
Return fire.
(speaks Krill) Back, back, back, back, back.
(people shouting) Doc, is there another way out of here? There's an old loading conduit, but it's across the atrium.
We're gonna have to sprint for it.
- All right, get ready.
- Doc, stay behind Alara.
Which one's Alara? Oh, I'm Alara.
Sorry, still learning names.
Now.
(shouts) (grunts) (grunts) (beeping) Ka'vaska! Deflectors at half power.
Sir, I think I can buy us some time till we can get the landing party back.
Let me wing it here? Proceed.
This is something I call "hugging the donkey.
" You can hug the donkey? Dude, I've been hugging the donkey since flight school.
(whooping, laughing) Round and round she goes! Ha, ha! It's dead.
(grunts) Door's jammed.
Alara.
You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (grunts) I loosened it for you.
(growls) Alara, get the device back to the shuttle.
- We'll cover you.
- Got it.
(panting) Okay.
(weapons firing in distance) (whirring) (growls) (groans) Everybody, strap in.
Shuttle to Orville, we're on our way.
Captain, let me see that shoulder.
- Does it hurt? - Yeah, it hurts like hell.
That means it's not that bad.
What are you talking about, Kelly? I literally just said it hurts like hell.
When he's really in pain, he gives straight answers with no cussing.
He's just hoping you give him drugs.
That's a bunch of crap, Kelly.
I'm in real pain here.
I why, do you have drugs on, on? Did you? Everything's on the ship.
Approaching ionosphere, adjusting attitude.
Mercer to Bortus.
Are you gonna be able to cut the deflectors long enough for us to get through? BORTUS: It may not matter, sir.
The deflectors are almost gone.
Oh, boy, that can't be good.
They won't fire on us, they know we have the device.
Give me the device.
Give me the device, and perhaps I will not harm you.
(quietly): All right, he's got a gun.
But we have something better.
What? Seat belts.
(shouts) Deflectors are depleted.
That was a piece of the upper engine! We've lost helm control! Mercer to Orville, we've lost navigational control and we're about 12 seconds away from hitting you - like a bug on a windshield.
- Lieutenant, can you align the shuttle bay doors with their trajectory? Sir, even if I was the best helmsman in the galaxy, that's virtually impossible.
If you can hug the donkey, you can do this.
Come on, man, you got this.
You can do it.
It's like threading a needle in a hurricane, but I'll try.
(laughter, cheering) - Yes.
(whoops) - (exhales sharply) Well done, Lieutenant.
Sir, since I pulled that off, can I please wear shorts to work? I've already said no.
Return fire.
Secure that Krill! KRILL COMMANDER: Union vessel, surrender and prepare to be boarded.
Upper and middle engines are gone, Captain.
- I have failed you.
- Ship's in one piece, Bortus.
I couldn't have done better.
Isaac.
If I can buy us some time, can you restore enough power to the lower engine to get us out of here? - I can try, sir.
- Do it.
Alara, hail the commander of the Krill ship.
Captain, he's already signaling us.
Put him on.
Krill Commander, this is Captain Ed Mercer.
Break off your attack, and we can talk.
Give me the device, human, or I will destroy your ship.
Sorry, can you, can you move, like, - two steps to your right? - What? Just like a little, t-tiny bit It's just a lot of dead space there, just Yeah, just right th perfect.
Yeah, sorry, you were just very weirdly framed, it was all I could focus on.
Anyway, what is it you want? You know what I want.
Sorry, right, yeah, sorry.
I'm a little distracted lately.
I just got out of a rough marriage, and it's been a difficult time.
- My wife had an affair - Oh, my God.
Are you really bringing this up right now? I'm trying to keep him talking, so I can buy us some time.
Oh, okay.
In that case, you know what? You're an objective third party.
Are you married? What? Oh, my God, you're ac you're bringing him into our No, I'm just buying us some time.
Let me ask you something.
Do you make an effort to balance your career with your home life? A marriage is work.
It takes work, right? Compromise.
On both sides, yes.
And if you didn't make that effort, would you be surprised if your wife sought comfort in the arms of another? No, that would be selfish.
"No, that would be s" Yeah, yeah, 'cause both of you are complete friggin' saints.
You know what? I don't have to sit here and listen - (explosion) - KRILL COMMANDER: Enough! Emergency power.
You have 20 seconds to give me the device, or you will die.
Isaac, what about that engine? Still only at partial power, sir.
Alara, put the Krill on hold.
I have an idea.
What is it? Let's give him the device.
- What? - Dr.
Aronov, can you preset the field to fire up at a specific intensity the moment the Krill activate it? I think so, but why? And the field can accelerate time a hundred years.
- Correct? - Yes, it can.
About how long it takes a redwood to grow.
Alara, put him back on.
All right, Commander, you win.
We'll send you the device by remote shuttle.
When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code.
Do not take long.
We won't.
Maybe she's not such a bitch.
State-of-the-art weaponry on this ship and we're using glue.
My favorite part of being a fleet officer.
The arts and crafts.
You know, if we had time, I'd make a macaroni man to put on here.
You can make a macaroni man? I make really good macaroni men.
All right, let's get her out of here.
The shuttle is aboard the Krill ship.
Signal them.
All right, Commander.
You have it.
Excellent.
Now, give me the activation code.
The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero.
(beeping) Happy Arbor Day.
Wait.
What's Arbor Day? It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
I wouldn't have got that.
Oh, yeah.
No, I didn't get that, either.
You knew what Arbor Day was, right? I mean, actually, I had to think a second.
Kind of confusing.
Nobody knows what Arbor Day is.
- BORTUS: No.
- ALARA: No.
- I knew.
- BORTUS: I do not.
What would you have said? I would've said, "You got wood.
" - (laughter) - GORDON: Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, that is better, isn't it? (door chimes) Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
I didn't want to bother you unless I had to.
You've kind of kept to yourself these last few days.
Yeah, the admirals want a full report on the Epsilon 2 stuff, so it's just taking a while.
Yeah, you need some help? No, I got it.
So, um, I just wanted to tell you - (whirring, clicking) - that Lieutenant Commander Murphy Sorry.
Excuse me.
Can you just Just not now.
No, just we're talking.
We're t Yes.
Good, you got it, good.
Okay.
Lieutenant Commander Murphy of the USS - (whirring, clicking) - Oh, my God.
Just come back l just do it later.
Thank you.
Just not now, we're having a conversation.
Thank yes.
Thank you.
Good.
Thumbs up.
Okay.
Sorry, go ahead.
Lieutenant Commander Murphy of the USS Chanute just got promoted.
So now he's eligible for a first officer position.
And he's a friend of mine.
So I told him he could have this posting.
He's a great guy, you're gonna love him, and I'll be out of your hair by the end of the day.
Okay.
Okay.
Wait.
I never really said thank you for what you did.
You saved the ship.
I was just doing my job.
You were always better at solving my problems than I was.
You were always wise.
Well thank you for saying that.
Kelly.
I'm asking you to stay.
Really? You're one hell of an XO, and I think you'd make a fine addition to this crew.
A-And you're not concerned about the other stuff? We'll figure it out.
Welcome to the Orville, Commander Grayson.
(door chimes) Come in.
Commander Grayson, have a seat.
I can't stay long.
I just wanted to say thank you.
For trusting me.
Your father and I were close.
I owed him one.
Regardless, it looks like you were right about Ed.
You made a hell of a plea for us to give him that command.
Honestly, I don't think we would've done it otherwise.
I know.
But he's a smart officer who just had a little rough patch.
Does he know? No.
And I plan on keeping it that way.
Well he's lucky to have you on his side.
Thank you.
Take care, Admiral.
(door whooshes open)