The Other Guy (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

The Mattress

1 WZRDKID [FT OLIVER TANK]: Cold Clocks WOMAN: Weren't no apartments here back then.
I seen that Indigenous lady with her dog getting angry 'cause it wouldn't eat its laksa.
[LAUGHS] Oh, imagine that! A little dog eatin' laksa! Yeah, I used to live with a dog.
Real junkyard mutt.
I had a Bichon Frise growing up, called Pickles.
He ate a whole Domino's pizza one day and gave himself diabetes.
Glad I'm not a dog.
Would've given myself diabetes this morning.
RADIO: Previously on AJ & Sam How do you feel about cheating? - Oh, can we turn this off? - No, no, no! Do not listen to him.
Do not listen to him! He is just trying to ruin my rating.
Oh, yes, she's nice to you but as soon as I book one she's stealing all the lollies and waters.
WOMAN: Oh, you got my five, love, trust me.
AJ: [ON RADIO] But how do you feel about cheating? Cheating like how - like in a relationship, in Monopoly? Wait, wait, wait, how do you cheat in Monopoly? I take $500 and I put it under my butt every time I play.
What? Dude, that's not cheating, that's saving.
Your butt is a bank! That's probably why it has such low interest around here.
- Hey, is that you? - [RADIO BANTER CONTINUES] [DRIVER LAUGHS HEARTILY] Gee, I listen to you all the time.
This is gonna sound bad, but I thought you were white.
RADIO: They don't know that! I can't fit money in my freezer, I got too many Zooper Doopers.
[LAUGHTER ON RADIO] They're worth more than money.
You need to move out.
That's yours.
You wanted two, for some reason.
You had a little song about it.
Dammit! Oh, no, no, no, don't do that.
There's wasps.
Oh, fuck.
You're trapped.
Yeah, they were probably watching me fumble around last night.
There are things I haven't done in a while.
It was fine.
I can give you a lift home if you want, but we're going to have to wait, like, 15 hours.
Bus is fine.
Do you want some coins? Don't tell me I fucked another busker? No.
Well, I mean, do we hug or something? Nah.
I feel gross.
Alright then, well laters.
Take off this stupid fucking thing.
Oh-ho-ho! That bad, eh? Hm? - Ha! - [GROANS] How did you know? Ah, 'cause of this.
AJ: [ON PHONE] Yo, Sam! Sam the man! Not gonna lie, Liv and everything's really been fuckin' with me but I'm back, feelin' sweet! Let's make some radio magic, baby, whoo! Yeah, you woke up Violet.
Like, three minutes after Richard and I finally got her to sleep.
He thinks you're suppressing grief.
I'm suppressing nuggets.
Alright, ten seconds.
[STATION THEME MUSIC] Fade FM! You're listening to AJ & Sam, every morning from 6:00 on Fade FM.
Eh, what is up, AJ & Sam here, Fade FM, it's a Monday morning.
It IS a Monday and welcome to you if you're just joining us! - What a Monday! - What a Monday! Bloody Monday.
Gets a bad rap, Monday.
Well, 'cause of Garfield, mostly.
He hates 'em.
He hates 'em.
[BIRDS CHIRP] [MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY] Hey, looks like your stalker, Dog Murphy, is back on the text line.
Fuck that guy.
100 bucks says he hasn't even had fingers in before.
He wants to know if you know what's gonna happen on November 24 because, quote, "Your head looks like a crystal ball.
" - [SAM LAUGHS] - Fuck that! Man, this is bullshit! How come no-one ever makes fun of you? - 'Cause I'm likeable.
- And you got so much hair.
I'm sick of wearing hats.
It's just bald man make-up.
Alright, 30 seconds.
Hey, AJ, who's who's Spring? - What? - "Hey, Sam", "ask AJ about pissing the bed last night.
" Then she's done like a tongue sticky-outy emoji.
Oh, my God, no! No, no! - Let's talk about it on air! - No! No, no, I swear to God, please don't, I can't do this, I can't handle it.
[TURNS ON MIC] Oh, Let's Talk About It, Amy Wade, on Fade FM, with Sam & AJ.
And, AJ, I want to ask you about a very interesting text - Someone pissed my bed.
- Someone.
Yes, someone that is not me pissed all over my bed.
- Ugh.
- That's not the worst thing.
The worst thing is that it's my ex-girlfriend's mattress.
It's your ex-girlfriend's matt Oh.
Dude, trust me, I am in hot water at the moment.
You're in warm piss, is what you're in.
You're covered in it.
[GRUNTS] [SIGHS] Did you even have sex last night? Why are you guys still here? I heard you shushing her a lot.
You shouldn't do that.
That doesn't count as outside, Stevie.
You need one of these.
[BABYISH VOICE] Hey? Is this what you need? Do you want one of these? Oh, eat me, please.
Come on.
Little baby go to Daddy.
Oh, pwease.
Nah? Nothing? Whoopsie.
Ooh, you should drink more water.
No, it's not mine.
You should probably still drink more water, though.
You've been looking quite dry.
I met this young nugget at The Roxie one night, about seven dingers deep, proper busted.
He was, like, gurning his jaw off.
We were on the dance floor and I swear this grom needs his fuckin' Mummy or some shit 'cause he started huggin' me, pullin' me in, face pressed into my chest.
Turns out this little fuck's been chewing a glow stick.
It exploded all over my chest.
That poor cunt had to go to hospital 'cause he started havin' a fit.
But you should've seen it, man, bright yellow shit everywhere, fuckin' full ruined my T-shirt.
You should chuck some vinegar in that bowl, bro.
Trust me.
When you sling gear and drive Uber you get pretty used to cunts pissin' themselves.
What day is it? [KNOCKS] Well, at least you're not low on vitamin B.
It's not mine, OK? When have I ever, ever pissed the bed? - No.
- Oh, oh, oh Oh! No! No, no, no, no.
You dropped the joint.
You're lucky I'd had ten beers that night, otherwise this whole place would've fucking burnt down.
Oh, I reckon you were wanting to do that for quite some time.
Look, if it's not your pee, then I need to get a new mattress.
So just admit it.
Of all the times to be self-righteous you had to choose my one day-bender this week.
- Thanks, mate.
- Whatever.
Oi, who's going to live in Henry's room? I mean the spare room.
Probably someone who can afford it.
[SNORTS] You don't know what I can afford, thank you very much.
[GASPS] This looks good! Oh, yeah, sick! [GROANS ECSTATICALLY] - AJ, I've made a huge mistake.
- What, with Dezzy? Why did I sleep with my dealer? - Thought you said it was good.
- But he's obsessed with me now.
And, like, last night, he kept counting his thrusts, like, he'd get to 15 and then he'd start again.
- Like he was doing reps? - Yeah.
It's like my rig was his gym for the eve- Hey.
Sorry, guys, but you wouldn't wear shoes in bed at home, so please don't do it with our quality mattresses.
[HIGH VOICE] Ooh! You're a bossy little man, aren't you? - Come on, up you get.
- Aren't you bossy? Come on, sister.
Sit on down there.
Come on.
Alright, mate.
Um, so which one of these do you sleep on, fine sir? To be honest, I'm more of a couch man myself.
- Right.
Like a sofa bed.
- A sofa bed! That's a good one.
You mention sofa bed in any decent couch forum and you'll get absolutely ripped apart.
I mean RIP, in pieces.
Really? I always imagined the couch community would be quite laid-back.
They're not.
I've got a real sweet 3-seater, old-school vinyl.
You've got to peel your face off it on a hot morning but other than that it's perfect.
And did you know they're safer too, 'cause there's only one side you can fall off? 450 people die in the US falling out of beds every year.
If all those people had slept on couches half of them would've lived.
Those maths don't add up but go with it, you know what I mean.
Seriously, man, can you imagine what it would be like living together, just like bezzies, just on it, 24-sevs.
- How do you have sex? - I've got an OK personality.
- [STEVIE GIGGLES] - On a couch [!] Oh! With one person? Oh, well, it's just like a bed.
But for four or five people you're gonna need a mattress, if you two are into that kind of thing, in which case I knock off at 5:00.
- What? Fuck, no! - No, God, no! - No, no, no, that's not Nah.
- No.
So this is for his ex-girlfriend because AJ's pissed on her mattress or some random dude, who knows? - It was probably him.
- It wasn't me.
Anyway, so now she's all like, "Ugh, get me a new one," "even though I cheated on you" - Stevie! - Yep? Your ex? Fuck that, man! I got an old burner back home.
I'll bring it in for you.
- 150 bucks and it's yours.
- [PHONE PLAYS RAP] Money now and you can take it whenever you like, done, dusted.
Oi, I got Dezzy's phone.
Shit! [RAPS] On it.
On it.
24-sevs we on it, mm! Livin' in hevs we on it, mm! Drinkin' them bevs we on it, mm! Chicken Kievs, on it, mm.
Henry's in there.
You kidding? Who's he with? Ah, like, everyone.
Fuckin' dolma! Typical fucking Henry.
Let's go.
Man, that place sucks, anyway.
All the bartenders wear, like, stupid little hats and vests.
It's like, I want a beer, not fucking tap-dancing lessons.
[PHONE PLAYS RAP] God, Slampiece #3's calling again.
I mean, can you imagine? It's so embarrassing! I need something on the bright side, you know? I mean, I'm single again, I got a good job, my own place that I rent.
I don't think you should live alone, bro.
I'm worried you're going to take up pottery.
This place is alright.
You know what I mean? I mean, there's beers and there's fucking old people who can tell me how life used to be.
And there's nuts.
The old place didn't have nuts.
- They didn't have nuts.
- You know? I mean, it's alright, everything's pretty good.
I don't know why I've been so scared.
You fucking bitch.
You spiked my drink.
- Whaa! - You fucking bitch! Stevie! I just wanted you to feel happy, AJ, hey? - I'm trying to rebuild my life! - Can you just calm down? Like, it was half, it's a sharpener.
[PHONE PLAYS RAP] Oh, my God, Slampiece #3.
I'm gonna I'm gonna answer.
What did you do with the other half? - [CLEARS THROAT] - Stevie! - I've gotta work tomorrow! - Sh-sh-sh! [BROAD AUSSIE ACCENT] Hello, this is Derek's mother.
What have you been doing to my son? Oh.
Oh, hey, yeah.
No, I was just kidding.
It was a joke.
Nah, we're at the bowlo.
See you then.
That was Dezzy.
He's actually calling from my phone.
- You're Slampiece #3! - No.
Well, if he's really into you then he must love Slampieces #1 and #2.
- Shut up.
- [LAUGHS] Shut up.
Maybe they're his mum and sister.
Dezzy's bringing more stuff.
Will that not send the wrong message? Nah.
Letting him put it in me sent the wrong message.
- This is purely business.
- Oh.
- Get the fuck out of here! - What, what? No, this whole day's been about you.
Should I say hi? Well, yeah.
Don't be so autistic.
You slept together once.
She's not going to marry you.
Go on.
[HUMS] Hi.
Um, OK, look, I know you haven't done this for a while but turning up to somebody's work the day after is sort of a big no-no.
[CHUCKLES] Did she tell you I'm a busker? No, I just said we had a big night.
Oh-oh! Well.
You know, I don't care if you don't.
- Why would I care? - Well, you know, obviously Yeah, exactly.
Wait, what do YOU mean, 'obviously'? Hey, mate, some bro dropped these off for you this morning after you left.
- Herman? Heinrich? - Henry.
What do YOU mean, 'obviously'? You pissed the bed.
[SNORTS] What? Noooo.
I would never piss the bed, alright, unless I was saving someone's life.
- Was Liv there? - I don't know.
He's put 'em in the letterbox, being a suss cunt.
I know your head.
Have we, ah? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you saw her this morning, creeping out of my house after she pissed all over my mattress.
Oi, you got some nerve, mister.
- Oh, hey, babe.
- Hi.
Are you joking? Your side of the bed was saturated.
[AJ SPLUTTERS] There was more liquid on my side because I'm bigger than you, and so while you were pissing, it was going into the ravine created by my hugeness.
Hey, mate, it's totally fine.
Like, don't need to apologise.
I'm sleeping with lots of people too.
No, I just need some cash for the gear.
- Huh? What about last night? - Whaddya mean? This is my job.
I haven't asked you for a free haircut or whatever the fuck you do for a living.
OK, mate, I don't cut hair, one.
AJ, I need money.
The patch was huge.
It was like I woke up in an infinity pool.
Ah, it was definitely you.
Um, that's not gonna happen.
No, it's fine.
Chuck some clothes on.
I'm not a bikie! OK.
We can go downstairs.
You know what? We can go downstairs as long as you admit you pissed all over that mattress.
[ALARM CLOCK BUZZES] [MUSIC PLAYS ON SOUNDTRACK] You're listening to Fade FM with Sam & AJ.
And that is why we are.
Australia's 11th best-paid radio duo under 35.
Blue sucks.
Hey, Dad.
Just make sure there are no accidents this time.
How about you make sure there's no untied crabs in the front this time? Getting nipped is a part of life.
Oh, no.
Can you drive, please? No, you drive.
I'm not entirely sure that I'm sober.
Me either.
What was wrong with your old mattress? - Hm? Nothing.
- Oh.
AJ, what's going on? It's for Liv.
OK? What? No.
- It's for snoring.
- Yeah.
You snore.
Not me.
Then why is she sleeping in the spare room? She's not sleeping in the same house, Dad.
What did you do? What did I do? My only crime was that I loved her too much.
Come on! What would make the two of you throw away ten years? Is it your friend? Stevie? God, no.
No! Yuck! [SNIFFS DEEPLY] [SNORTS] Hey, guys.
Do you want help loading it into the back? Oh.
Um Nah, because we've actually come here to let you know in person that we don't need it anymore.
Oh, come on, man.
It's no 3-seater, but it's still a great sleeper.
Yeah, um Nah.
Sorry, but I'll just grab the 150 bucks back if poss.
Nah, go on.
I'll chuck in some pillows too.
What do you say? Sweet deal? Oh.
What? What? Who's this? Dad.
What? You right? - Jesus.
- What are you doing? You are a dentist, Dad.
You can't give random dermatological advice to strangers.
He looked like he was about to cry.
You'll need to disinfect the mattress.
Yeah, I know! Hm.
It's not going to be any grosser than this.
How did you get in here? What? Don't you start! I'm exhausted.
We went to get some money out and suddenly Dezzy thinks we're being followed so we drove around for hours.
I got so hungry I ate two of the pizzas he was supposed to deliver.
Oi, watch out for your piss.
[AJ GROANS] [SIGHS DEEPLY] This has to stop, Stevie.
[SIGHS] Alright.
I don't know if my body can handle it.
Yeah, but if we drink more now we won't be tempted during the week.
We? Yeah, I'm gonna stay here for a bit.
You need me right now.
[BURPS] I thought Tuesday night beers was a worldwide thing but my flatmates were horrified when I first suggested it.
I would probably move out.
I steal all their expensive shampoo though so it is all good.
I have mattresses in there - for you to choose from.
- Oh, yeah, I know.
One has stranger's piss on it and the other one is cheap and secondhand.
It's my piss.
- [LIV LAUGHS] - I think.
I think.
Butter chicken for Stevie? I thought I would die before I heard you No fucking way! Sam! No, wait, AJ, AJ.
Dude, can I get a selfie with you, man? I'm on this group chat.
The boys won't believe me.
[MAN'S VOICE FADES OUT] The stranger's couch I'm on is pretty comfortable and I'm only gonna stay there for a few months before I move home.
AJ, AJ! Oh.
Sorry, man.
I just left it there.
Goddamn it! He's gone.
As in home, home? Yeah.
Does that mean you still listen? It's the first time I heard you call me your ex-girlfriend on air.
Feels kind of real now.
Hey, I'm gonna start the book again.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
That's awesome.
And I have this new idea for a restaurant.
It's a sushi train but with sandwiches.
You're gonna be fucking rich.
Oi! Put that [GRUNTS] All that badonk donk in your trunk trunk, I know He move too fast, girl, and you need it slow You need that time, girl, that real time for you Ohhhh I got that time, girl, that real time, I do