The Other Two (2019) s03e03 Episode Script
Cary Becomes Somewhat of a Name
1
[EERIE MUSIC]
[OWL HOOTS]
♪
Hey, you okay? Need a ride?
Oh, okay.
♪
[LAUGHTER]
And I don't have work today
since I quit my meaningless job,
so let's go ahead and
make those bottomless.
- The nachos?
- Yeah.
This is so cool.
I've never even been on a double date,
and now I'm on a triple?
Actually, we're not
really feeling this, right?
- Yeah. Gave it a shot.
- Okay, bye.
Oh, we're watching "Survivor" next week,
if you want to come.
Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom.
Order me pancakes?
[CHUCKLES] Sure.
So isn't he great?
We're sort of a couple now.
And how are you a couple?
Okay, yes, I know it's not ideal
since he's in character
as an 18-year-old virgin,
so we haven't been able to have sex yet.
But his show wraps today, so
then we will get to have sex
and, technically, meet.
And it's cool dating an actor.
We just, like, get each other, you know?
Totally. And same.
Lance and I are so well-matched
now that we've both left the industry.
We were always well-matched, B.
Yeah, and he pushes
me, too, in my career.
Like, this morning I shot a self-tape
for this big period drama.
And then tonight, I
have a director's session
- with Wes Anderson on Zoom.
- What?
And then another Zoom
audition after that.
So we're sort of, like,
a Hollywood power couple.
Oh.
Hey, I missed you.
Like, a lot.
Aw.
[LIPS SMACKING]
Ugh.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
Wait, so, Curtis,
how's "The Gay Minute"?
I still watch every day.
You got mad charisma, bro.
You should be on TV.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, really.
You're, like, better than I was.
All right, shut up.
That's nice. I'm trying.
I just don't have reps right now,
so I have to troll Actor's Access
for auditions, which is humil
♪
Wait, Mom?
Yes! Hi, honey. Can I eat this?
Wait, where is your security detail?
Oh, I don't need all that for
a simple brunch with my kids.
They'd have to get
clearances, sweep the place.
I didn't want to bother them.
So they don't know you're here?
No. I escaped in the night, Cary.
That's fully insane.
Yeah, and I didn't realize
how long it would take
to walk to Manhattan,
but it's worth it to be with my kids.
Wait. Oh, my God, Pat Dubek?
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- Oh, my God. No. Sorry.
Sorry, we're just trying to have
a nice, normal family brunch.
My God!
Oh, there she is.
Move away. Step back, please. Ma'am.
Ma'am, you cannot sneak out on us.
What? I didn't!
Ah, dang it.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
I-I-I'm a winner ♪
I'm sorry for sneaking out, Frank.
It won't happen again, I promise.
It's all good, ma'am. Thank you.
Anyway, how have you been?
How's your mom's cancer?
Not good. Stage four.
She's in hospice out on Long Island.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry to hear that.
- Is she still on Long Island?
- What?
Well, yeah, I just said that she's
That's nice, though.
And you grew up on Long
Island, right, Frank?
What is your favorite, longest story
about growing up on Long Island?
Oh, wow.
[LAUGHS] That's so funny, Frank.
[SIGHS] Pat's on the move.
- Frank!
- [LAUGHTER]
Okay, so I guess we can
take DaBaby off the list.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Don't want to deal with that!
- [LAUGHTER]
- No way!
[LAUGHING AWKWARDLY]
Deal with what? Uh, what did he do?
Oh, just some, uh, industry gossip.
But you're no longer in the industry,
so doesn't feel right telling you.
Oh, that's totally fine.
Um, and actually, it's why I'm here
to say my goodbyes.
As you may have heard,
I have left the industry
to start doing good.
[CHUCKLES] Well, not today.
Today is Friday. But Monday, I do good.
And honestly, I feel sad
for all of you still here,
just piddling away
at this pointless job.
So I have a challenge: join me.
Leave this behind and choose
a life of meaning, of goodness,
a life where we can make
a difference together!
So who's with me?
You know what? I am.
Shuli?
I quit.
Okay, is that it? Is it just Trish?
You know what, it's
probably not worth it
if it's just us two.
So, Trish, you can you can stay.
Well, I don't want her now.
She just quit.
Trish, you're fired.
Oh, Trish.
Well, my work here is done,
so I am off to help the world.
Minus, uh, Trish, whose
life I did just ruin.
So goodbye, all, and not to be rude,
but there is not one single thing
I'm gonna miss about the industry.
Okay, next order of business,
tonight's big, huge party!
- Ooh, a party.
- A party?
- Yay, a party!
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- Damn it.
- Be not afraid.
As long as there is air in my lungs,
I will tell your story.
You shan't have died in vain.
Wow, this is incredible!
Oh, I'm sorry, Cary.
I'm not in the office this week.
Can you hear me okay?
Yep, and that's great.
- I'm so glad you liked it.
- Loved it.
I really believed you were
a 16th-century knight.
Unfortunately, I can't
send this to the producers.
Uh, but that's
that's who I did it for.
It's just, I know for a fact
they picture this role with long hair.
Oh, well, I just
I just assumed I would
grow my hair out if I got the part.
And I'm with you, Cary,
but these people are dumb.
If they don't see long
hair, they can't picture it.
So if it's between you
and someone with long hair,
nine times out of ten,
they're going with long hair.
Luckily, with self-tapes,
it's easy to keep making adjustments.
So I say just go out,
buy a wig, style the wig,
apply the wig, redo the tape,
and then I think we should be good.
Okay. Uh, sure.
Yes.
That sounds, uh, very easy.
Okay, so tonight's
party is in the Hamptons.
Ellen is throwing herself
a big birthday bash
and has agreed not to go
so people can enjoy it.
- ALL: Aww.
- That's nice of her.
Literally everyone is invited,
as long as they're in the industry.
[SIGHS]
And we can't put this off any longer,
so Chase will be using this party
to debut his shitty little rat look.
- [ALL GROAN]
- What?
I know, but now that he's 18,
he legally has to look like
a gross, shitty little rat
for at least one event, and
I need someone to go with
You know, I could be back in
the industry just for tonight,
if you need someone to take him.
But then tomorrow, I am back out.
Well, that's okay.
I'm having Streeter go.
Wait, what?
I get to go to the parties now?
Whoo-hoo!
In your face, Brooke! [LAUGHS]
Okay, that's totally fine.
I'll just stay out, then.
[CHUCKLES] Like I wanted.
Just, you know, trying to help.
Oh, those are for employees.
If you want a La Croix,
you'll need to buy one at the store.
- The store?
- Be not afraid.
As long as there is air in my lungs,
I will tell your story.
You shan't have died in vain.
Cary, yes! This
performance is incredible.
It's even better than
your last performance.
Okay, great! So we can
send that one off
But I'm worried the
hair is now too long.
Also, I'm just noticing
all this green behind you.
The green screen?
Well, I know it's a green screen, Cary.
But these people, they're gonna think
you're on some kind of slime planet.
And I know for a fact they
don't want slime pla
Be not afraid.
As long as there is air in my lungs,
I will tell your story.
You shan't have died in vain.
Oh, there you are! Hi, Cary.
Mom, what are you doing here?
Oh, well, I just thought
I'd come hang with you
at your apartment, no biggie.
Did you sneak away from
your security detail again?
- Oh, Pat Dubek!
- Pat Dubek?
Pat Dubek, over here!
Oh, can you just let me in real quick?
Ma'am, you have to stop
running away from us.
- Oh, dang it!
- It's okay
Okay. The hair is now great, Cary.
But obviously, I can't send this one in.
Yeah, sorry, I forgot to edit out
the part where my mom showed up.
No, she's fun. They'll love that.
- The problem is the background.
- The what?
You're supposed to be in the 1500s.
These people are gonna see a
fridge and lose their minds.
So does your apartment have
any Gothic arches you could feature?
Sorry, does my apartment
have Gothic arches?
Also, your shirt, Cary?
Knights tended to wear more armor.
[RAP MUSIC]
- BOTH: ChaseDreams!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[LAUGHTER]
[SIGHS]
Hey guys, welcome.
Don't worry. She's not here.
[WHISPERING] Please, please, please!
You got this.
We're together.
And the same age.
Hi, can I get a, um
okay.
Yes, I can keep holding.
How was my weekend? Fine!
It was fine. I had a fine weekend.
Look at that loser.
Been there, but not today.
Today I get to actually enjoy the party
and not spend the whole time working.
Okay, rude.
But makes sense. All
industry people are.
Ooh!
Hello?
God, fucking agents.
It's just, what if Ellen shows up?
Oh. Don't worry, she's in LA.
Don't worry, she's in LA.
Okay, I just said that.
Oh, come on, I know I'm
not in the industry anymore,
but it's not like you can't see me.
Or wait, can
can people literally not see me?
Just a reminder,
the museum will be closing in one hour.
As you can see, this museum houses
the largest collection
of 16th-century armor
anywhere in the city.
Armor was customarily worn by knights.
These proud warriors were
given the title of knighthood
at a beautiful altar,
like the one you see before you.
Here, they'd swear the knightly code
to protect the weak
and defend the honor
of the entire monarchy.
Take a second to really
look at this altar.
Isn't it quite an altar?
Now, as a needless digression
a folly, really turn around
and look at the doorway
you just walked into.
Walk up to the knight on the right.
Not the one on the left.
Look at the one on the ri
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[WHISPERING] Oh, God.
Are they coming back? No, no, no.
Really get close to the helmet.
If you get close enough, you may see
your breath fog up the steel.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Call from Mackenzie.
Do you want to answer?
[WHISPERING] Yes.
Cary, this last take was flawless.
Where did you find that suit of armor?
My closet.
Well, this should
absolutely get you the part.
Unfortunately, they
went with Dylan O'Brien.
What? Fucking O'Brien.
Yeah, they decided they wanted a name.
So annoying when they do that.
But at least you didn't need
to leave your apartment.
Self-tapes really are so much easier.
- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, don't forget
you're Zooming with Wes Anderson in 45.
- Right! Shit. Shit.
- [COUPLE SCREAMS]
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
I'm truly sorry for sneaking out again.
Here, I made you some tea.
Thank you, ma'am. That's very nice.
And we know you wanted
to go to Ellen's tonight,
especially since she's
not gonna be there.
But we assessed some high-level threats
and think it's safest not to go.
Oh, I totally understand.
I'm happy to hang here.
Anyway, enjoy your tea, guys.
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
[WHISPERING] Three, two, one.
[THUMPING]
Yes!
Okay, okay, okay.
Pat's on the move!
[RAP MUSIC]
God, I know.
He is such an asshole.
Who? Who's an asshole?
Macey, good to see you.
Hey, guess what.
A bunch of people are about to take out
one of Ellen's speedboats.
- Anyone want to go?
- all: Sure.
- Yes, I do!
- Okay.
One, two, three, four, five.
Yes! We should all fit. Come on.
[EXCITED CHATTER]
[SCOFFS] What?
That is the craziest
thing I've ever heard.
I can't believe DaBaby did that.
He'd better hope that doesn't come out.
Hope what doesn't come out?
What did DaBaby do?
Hello? Hello!
Wait, I think I hear something.
Nope, never mind.
How spooky.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
Oh, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
- Cary?
- Hey, hi.
- Uh, so sorry I'm late.
- Oh, hey!
No, that is 100% fine. This is low-key.
Wes just wants to chat with a few people
- he's circling for the role.
- Awesome.
I have never been circled for anything,
- so this is really cool.
- Great.
Well, why don't you just hang here
in the waiting room until Wes is ready.
Oh, and when Wes comes
on, make sure you are
perfectly centered in the frame, okay?
- Okay.
- Thanks.
[DINGS]
[DINGS]
Yo, am I on? Can you hear me?
[GROANS]
Yeah uh, I can hear you.
Uh, Dylan O'Brien?
- Sup? Nice to meet you, man.
- You too.
You auditioning for
Ambassador to Belgium too?
Yes. It's a small part,
so I thought I had a shot.
But I guess I do not.
I can't even fucking believe
I still gotta audition.
I'm the fucking Maze Runner, bro.
Yes, I yeah. Big fan.
Um, but I think I'm actually gonna go.
Hey, you reek.
[LAUGHS]
- Sorry, I reek.
- Okay, um
You know how long this is gonna be?
- I I
- I think I'm gonna take
a little shower, 'cause
I don't smell great.
And Daddy don't do good
on a stinky audish.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Yes.
Just gonna leave this right here.
You mind letting me
know if they come in?
I'm just gonna turn my camera off.
Uh, okay. Sure, yeah.
Okay, camera off.
[GASPS]
- Uh
- [SHOWER RUNNING]
Whoo!
[LAUGHS] That's crazy.
It's true. Like, it is true.
[SIGHS]
Wait. Can can you see me?
Of course.
Hey, I'm Doug.
Oh, hi.
No one can see me either.
My cousin who brought
me, he works at WME.
But I'm just an immigration lawyer.
So the only people who can see me are
Oh, this is Betsy.
Her husband's a producer
for Drew Barrymore,
and she's a social worker.
For teens.
Do either of you know
what happened with DaBaby?
Who's DaBaby?
- [SNIFFLES]
- Oh Natalie, over here.
Brooke, you got to meet Natalie.
She's a translator who
speaks five languages.
Okay, yes!
Someone hot!
I mean, hi.
God, it is so fucked up that
people can't see any of us
because we're "not in the industry."
Anyway, I'm Brooke.
Yeah, no, we've met before.
I was at the "Night Nurse" premiere.
We actually sat really
close to each other.
Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
Hi, everyone.
My fiancé is about to sit down.
Oof. So right on you?
That's okay, you were in
a different place then.
But now that you've
left the industry behind,
- I'm sure you can probably see
- Bathroom this way.
How it makes people a little cra oh.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
Pitty, pitty, pitty, balls.
Truly, thank you for this.
You would think seeing him
naked would be a letdown,
but it is better.
And remember, when he gets out,
you have to log off fast, okay?
- Promise.
- Yes. No, no, no.
He won't even know I was here.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Hey, you have to mute!
If you're gonna screenshot,
you have to mute!
He's coming! He's coming!
Go! Log off, log off, log off!
Oh, my God, I can't find the button.
- I can't find the button!
- Just hit the X!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- I can't find the button!
[CHIMES]
Camera on.
Yo, what's up? Did I miss anything?
No, no. Just sitting here waiting.
Um, so you could actually
pop back in that shower,
- if you wanted
- Hey, guys.
Thank you so much for waiting.
But unfortunately, Wes has decided
to go with George Clooney.
It's nothing against the two of you.
- He just wanted a huge name.
- Yeah.
So annoying, right? Okay. Take care.
- Bye.
- Wow. Fucking Clooney.
- [SIGHS] Stupid.
- Every time.
Well, good luck with everything, man.
I'm gonna take a long, hard piss.
- All right.
- Camera off.
[PEE SLOSHING]
Nakey pee-pee.
[SIGHS]
[SHOWER RUNNING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
What the
hello?
Is someone there?
♪
Oh, shit.
Help!
I need help in here!
- He's in here!
- Help!
- What's up? What's wrong?
- What's going on?
- Are you okay?
- Why is the shower on?
The mirror.
Someone's writing
something on the mirror.
♪
Oh, my God. Okay.
No one freak out, but I think
Brooke Dubek is in this bathroom.
- What? Right now?
- How freaky.
Yeah, she recently left the industry
but hasn't fully crossed over yet.
'Cause being out sucks, Shuli!
No cool people can see or hear me?
Brooke, if you're trying to contact us,
we cannot see or hear you!
[SCREAMS]
Okay, you know what? Here.
Anyone have any wine?
It's just, I used to be a
35-year-old in the industry.
But now I'm just a 35-year-old person?
That's fucking nothing!
Where is she?
So you know what? No. Fuck it.
I'm back in the industry.
Ah! Oh, Jesus.
Oh. [GASPS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Hello, Brooke.
- [CHIMES]
- Uh, hi. Cary?
Hey. Hi, sorry I'm late.
Uh, my last Zoom ran hard long.
- Uh, it ran long. Um
- Uh, no worries.
And quick Q before we start.
You guys, uh you don't want
a name for this one, do you?
No, not at all.
This is a sitcom pilot for Paramount+,
so we're seeing tons of no-names.
Great, great. And uh, one more thing.
All the sides I got
were for a female
character named Courtney.
Uh, yes, this role was
a woman till yesterday,
but now she's a gay man.
Oh, okay.
Well, I didn't get any new pages.
Oh, there are none.
But uh, it still works.
Oh. Um, okay.
I guess let's let's do it.
Great. [CLEARS THROAT]
"Tegan and her BFF Courtney,
29, hot even with no
makeup, get manicures."
Okay, girl. Dish. Hot date tonight?
Ha! Girl, I wish.
Ever since my promotion, I
haven't even had the energy
to flirt with a guy.
I guess us girls can't have it all.
[LAUGHS] Courtney, stop PMSing.
- You'll find Mr. Right.
- When?
It's not like I'm gonna
find anyone at work,
except Rick, who spends
all day staring at my ass.
God, men are such pigs.
You need a spa day.
No, girl. I need a spa year!
Uh, yes! Wow, that was perfect.
- That was so funny, Cary.
- Thank you, thank you.
We should actually have
a decision for you soon,
- maybe the next few hours.
- Whoa!
Uh, great. Well, thank you so much.
I just gotta run to a party, but yeah
No, thank you. We're such fans.
- Oh, thank you!
- Bye.
Bye.
[EXHALES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Thank you so much. [CHUCKLES]
Good to see you.
[SIGHS]
So who's an asshole?
Oh, Channing Tatum's old makeup artist.
- Yes! Fuck him or her.
- Mm.
God, this is so much better
than talking to some girl
who speaks five languages.
Oh, you were talking to Natalie.
She's my little sister.
Oh, of course you know Natalie,
'cause of Lance.
I sorry, that
Natalie girl knows Lance?
Well, yeah, I mean, she translates
for a lot of his patients,
so they always hang at the hospital.
They have this whole banter in Spanish.
It's annoying.
I never know what they're talking about.
But you knew that, right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Sorry, I want to go
say hi to her some more.
Good luck.
I never can find her at these things.
Right.
'Cause she is now invisible to me.
Thank you.
Cary? Oh, thank God it's you.
- It's not Ellen. We're fine.
- [ALL SIGH]
- Hey.
- Hey!
- I have the craziest news.
- What?
I just booked a roll
off of Actor's Access.
What? Curtis, that's incredible.
Yeah. It's for this Paramount+ pilot.
I mean, it's kind of fucked
up because the role used to be
a woman, and they just
changed it to a gay guy,
but whatever.
The script's funny, they
love me, and I got it.
[LAUGHS]
Wow, that's that's incredible.
I really, that's so amazing.
Um, I'm just gonna
I'm gonna run to the
bathroom real quick.
Fuck, fucking fuck, fuck.
Hey, babe.
- Oh, hey.
- How are you?
Um, you're, uh you're
not in character anymore.
Hooray. Hi.
Sorry, I am, uh
- I'm just having the worst day.
- Oh, babe.
First I got passed
over for all these roles
'cause they're looking
for names, which sucks.
But, like, I get it. They're above me.
But now I just got passed
over for someone who is, uh
for Curtis, which is which is great,
but he's been hosting.
I'm the one who's been, like, acting.
Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
That's exactly how I felt
when my grandma and I lost
our town's annual Christmas
decorating showdown last year.
And I'm sure he was good,
but I thought I killed that audition.
That's hard, which is why this year,
my grandma and I are gonna use
twice as many Christmas lights.
Wait, why do you keep
talking about Christmas?
Oh, no, did you get
cast in something else?
Shit!
You booked a gay
Christmas movie already?
And do we really need to be in
character full-time for that
Shh. Babe, you're stressed out.
Let me go get you some eggnog.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]
♪
Oh, wow.
♪
[SQUEALS]
Hello.
Totally, totally, totally.
That's really cool.
- See you later.
- So pretty.
- Gosh, this party's so nice.
- Yeah.
You know, my security
team was worried about me
coming to this, but why would I need
security at an industry party?
There's no fans, no paparazzi.
Yeah, that is weird.
Anyways, hi. I'm Zack Smith from CAA.
- I represent Priyanka Chopra.
- Oh.
I'd love to set you
two up for a general,
maybe find a show for her on P!
Pat! Tim Downey. I
work with Laverne Cox.
I think she'd be a fantastic fit for P!
Let me tell you why.
Pat, you know who you gotta meet?
He's hilarious. Frankie Grande.
Pat, you know who you would love?
Teresa Giudice's daughter.
I really would love to
get you down for a lunch.
- Coffee sometime?
- Pushing 40, but
- Teresa Giudice's daughter.
- Frank?
- Priyanka Chopra
- Pat, you have to meet
- Nathan?
- [ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
Frank? Nathan?
Frank?
Nathan?
Oh, my God!
She's a Jonas now!
Natalie?
Hot Natalie?
Oh! There you are, Natalie.
Brooke, hey.
We were just talking about
the lack of proper education
Okay, I'm gonna assume
that you are talking,
but I cannot see you,
because whatever you're
saying is too boring.
So I need you to say
something really cool
so it pushes its way
through to my realm.
Are you related to anyone famous?
No.
Okay, I still can't see you,
so I'm gonna assume that's a no.
Have you ever worked in the industry?
Uh, I was once an extra on "Smallville."
Yes! Yes, I see a hand.
What else, Natalie?
What else could make
me see you as a person?
I dated Topher Grace for three weeks.
[ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS]
Okay, what the hell?
I didn't get that when I became visible.
Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry again
for not seeing you at "Night Nurse."
And also for forgetting that
you're Lance's friend?
[CHUCKLES] That's okay.
I'm just glad that you
two are talking again.
He was so upset.
He talks to you about me?
Yeah. I mean, we're pretty close.
And we're both in the
business of helping people,
so we just kind of get
each other, you know?
Uh-huh.
Sorry, I'm being rude.
This is my friend Julia.
Uh, Julia, tell Brooke what you learned
senior year, spring break of college.
That Emile Hirsch's dick is wonk?
[HARP PLAYS]
Okay, wow. You are even hotter.
Julia also knows Lance
from the hospital.
Oh, Lance is such a great guy.
He's so good.
Okay, no. No.
No, I can't do any more of this.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You went out for Courtney, didn't you?
Oh.
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Oh, my God.
- But it's really it's fine.
I'm I'm happy for you.
- Okay.
- I swear.
All right, well, if it
makes you feel any better,
I probably only got the role
'cause of my femme privilege.
I'm sorry, what?
Cary, the role used to be a woman.
They changed not a single line.
Who do you think's getting
that part, you or me?
I mean, is it homophobic to say you?
No. And yes.
But the answer is me.
Well, you're being very nice,
but I'm sure you were just better.
- Yeah, that too. That too.
- [LAUGHS]
But they were clearly looking
for an actor that screamed gay,
which is deeply
problematic for the world
but great for me because now
I'm Courtney No Last Name.
Well, to Courtney No Last Name.
All right, let's get some drinks.
Let's have fun. We're at Ellen's house.
[LAUGHS]
So his name is Courtney,
and it's a pilot for Paramount+.
- Wow. That's so cool, Curtis.
- Thank you, ChaseDreams.
Yeah, I'll have to, like,
check it out when it comes out.
- I mean, wow.
- I know.
We had a bunch of
clients go in for that.
- Congrats, man.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God, you've heard.
- Oh!
- Cheers.
- Cheers, man.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Bottoms up, my dudes! Whoo!
So it's Ashley Tisdale
and it's on Paramount+,
and that's all I know.
- And that's all I need to know.
- That's amazing.
It's fucking hard to get
cast in anything these days.
You should be so, so proud.
- Yeah, you should be.
- Oh, thanks, Car.
Thank God for that femme privilege.
- [SCOFFS]
- Yeah, we were both up
for the role, but, uh, Curtis got it.
Definitely 'cause he was way better.
But then Curtis was also saying
that, like, maybe he got it
because he was more obviously gay,
and networks kind of
want that now, so
- Yeah, lucky me.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- I'm more femme.
- Ugh.
- If you can tell.
- My agent calling.
Probably to tell me I
did not get Courtney.
Fun! That's gonna be fun.
Where is she?
Oh! Shuli?
Um, Shuli? Shuli, hi.
I've been thinking, and I
wait, what is going on here?
Your mother snuck away
from her detail, again.
Go ahead, Pat. Tell
her what you did to us.
I drugged them with tea.
And because of that, now what happened?
I have a general with JoJo Siwa.
Okay.
Well, I guess it's good
that you're all here,
because I love you and Chase very much,
but I have decided
to leave the industry.
What?
Streeter will still represent you,
but I want to leave.
I mean, I don't want to
I actually want to stay, but I just
I I can't.
I have to go.
I mean, I
I need to go.
Oh, honey.
I didn't know you felt this way.
Yeah, yeah, but
whatever makes you happy.
- Thanks, bud.
- Okay, ma'am.
- Your car is ready.
- Ugh.
All right, we're bringing
her out right now.
I really don't want to
have lunch with JoJo Siwa.
I know. I'm sorry, Mom.
Oh, wait. Sorry, Shuli.
Before I quit, do you
think you can tell me
what's going on with DaBaby?
Just fucking go, Brooke.
Uh, what?
This may be a joke to you,
but this is my job, and I care about it.
And frankly, I've spent
a lot of time helping you.
So this quitting, not
quitting shit isn't funny.
If you're out, be out.
- Oh, my God!
- [SCREAMS]
Hi, Doug.
Yes, it is the most
wonderful time of the year.
- Curtis, Curtis!
- Yeah?
Guess what. I just got a role too.
Wha whoa, whoa.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah. Yeah.
It's a three-episode arc on that show,
uh, "Emily Overruled."
Okay. CBS.
- That's prime time, baby.
- I know.
And I didn't even have to audition,
'cause I guess I'm, like,
somewhat of a name now?
But isn't that great?
- We both booked roles!
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
And, um, Lucas just sang the
entirety of "Jingle Bells"
at me, so I'm assuming
he booked one too.
Yes. Ugh.
But he is not playing a virgin anymore,
so now I can take him
home and celebrate,
if you know what I mean, but gotta run.
- Such a fun night.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye, Cary.
- Bye.
- Cary?
- Bye, bye, bye.
Oh, hey. There you are.
I was just gonna oof!
Oh, God.
I'm so glad you're
playing not a virgin now.
You know what?
Let's not kiss.
Okay. What do you want to do?
I was thinking something, uh
something like this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no!
You know we're in my
hometown for Christmas.
What?
My parents are asleep in the next room!
Oh, my God.
Um, well, we'll just have to
keep it down for them, then.
No, it's not safe.
I still haven't even told them I'm gay!
What's this now?
I promise I'm gonna
tell them soon, babe.
Just not on Christmas.
Sorry, so we for real
can't have sex again?
'Cause my my hole is out.
I should probably sleep on the couch.
Night, babe.
And babe?
Merry Christmas.
[DOOR CLOSES]
This is fine.
It's his process.
["CAROL OF THE BELLS" REMIX PLAYING]
♪
[EERIE MUSIC]
[OWL HOOTS]
♪
Hey, you okay? Need a ride?
Oh, okay.
♪
[LAUGHTER]
And I don't have work today
since I quit my meaningless job,
so let's go ahead and
make those bottomless.
- The nachos?
- Yeah.
This is so cool.
I've never even been on a double date,
and now I'm on a triple?
Actually, we're not
really feeling this, right?
- Yeah. Gave it a shot.
- Okay, bye.
Oh, we're watching "Survivor" next week,
if you want to come.
Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom.
Order me pancakes?
[CHUCKLES] Sure.
So isn't he great?
We're sort of a couple now.
And how are you a couple?
Okay, yes, I know it's not ideal
since he's in character
as an 18-year-old virgin,
so we haven't been able to have sex yet.
But his show wraps today, so
then we will get to have sex
and, technically, meet.
And it's cool dating an actor.
We just, like, get each other, you know?
Totally. And same.
Lance and I are so well-matched
now that we've both left the industry.
We were always well-matched, B.
Yeah, and he pushes
me, too, in my career.
Like, this morning I shot a self-tape
for this big period drama.
And then tonight, I
have a director's session
- with Wes Anderson on Zoom.
- What?
And then another Zoom
audition after that.
So we're sort of, like,
a Hollywood power couple.
Oh.
Hey, I missed you.
Like, a lot.
Aw.
[LIPS SMACKING]
Ugh.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
Wait, so, Curtis,
how's "The Gay Minute"?
I still watch every day.
You got mad charisma, bro.
You should be on TV.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, really.
You're, like, better than I was.
All right, shut up.
That's nice. I'm trying.
I just don't have reps right now,
so I have to troll Actor's Access
for auditions, which is humil
♪
Wait, Mom?
Yes! Hi, honey. Can I eat this?
Wait, where is your security detail?
Oh, I don't need all that for
a simple brunch with my kids.
They'd have to get
clearances, sweep the place.
I didn't want to bother them.
So they don't know you're here?
No. I escaped in the night, Cary.
That's fully insane.
Yeah, and I didn't realize
how long it would take
to walk to Manhattan,
but it's worth it to be with my kids.
Wait. Oh, my God, Pat Dubek?
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- Oh, my God. No. Sorry.
Sorry, we're just trying to have
a nice, normal family brunch.
My God!
Oh, there she is.
Move away. Step back, please. Ma'am.
Ma'am, you cannot sneak out on us.
What? I didn't!
Ah, dang it.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
I-I-I'm a winner ♪
I'm sorry for sneaking out, Frank.
It won't happen again, I promise.
It's all good, ma'am. Thank you.
Anyway, how have you been?
How's your mom's cancer?
Not good. Stage four.
She's in hospice out on Long Island.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry to hear that.
- Is she still on Long Island?
- What?
Well, yeah, I just said that she's
That's nice, though.
And you grew up on Long
Island, right, Frank?
What is your favorite, longest story
about growing up on Long Island?
Oh, wow.
[LAUGHS] That's so funny, Frank.
[SIGHS] Pat's on the move.
- Frank!
- [LAUGHTER]
Okay, so I guess we can
take DaBaby off the list.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Don't want to deal with that!
- [LAUGHTER]
- No way!
[LAUGHING AWKWARDLY]
Deal with what? Uh, what did he do?
Oh, just some, uh, industry gossip.
But you're no longer in the industry,
so doesn't feel right telling you.
Oh, that's totally fine.
Um, and actually, it's why I'm here
to say my goodbyes.
As you may have heard,
I have left the industry
to start doing good.
[CHUCKLES] Well, not today.
Today is Friday. But Monday, I do good.
And honestly, I feel sad
for all of you still here,
just piddling away
at this pointless job.
So I have a challenge: join me.
Leave this behind and choose
a life of meaning, of goodness,
a life where we can make
a difference together!
So who's with me?
You know what? I am.
Shuli?
I quit.
Okay, is that it? Is it just Trish?
You know what, it's
probably not worth it
if it's just us two.
So, Trish, you can you can stay.
Well, I don't want her now.
She just quit.
Trish, you're fired.
Oh, Trish.
Well, my work here is done,
so I am off to help the world.
Minus, uh, Trish, whose
life I did just ruin.
So goodbye, all, and not to be rude,
but there is not one single thing
I'm gonna miss about the industry.
Okay, next order of business,
tonight's big, huge party!
- Ooh, a party.
- A party?
- Yay, a party!
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- Damn it.
- Be not afraid.
As long as there is air in my lungs,
I will tell your story.
You shan't have died in vain.
Wow, this is incredible!
Oh, I'm sorry, Cary.
I'm not in the office this week.
Can you hear me okay?
Yep, and that's great.
- I'm so glad you liked it.
- Loved it.
I really believed you were
a 16th-century knight.
Unfortunately, I can't
send this to the producers.
Uh, but that's
that's who I did it for.
It's just, I know for a fact
they picture this role with long hair.
Oh, well, I just
I just assumed I would
grow my hair out if I got the part.
And I'm with you, Cary,
but these people are dumb.
If they don't see long
hair, they can't picture it.
So if it's between you
and someone with long hair,
nine times out of ten,
they're going with long hair.
Luckily, with self-tapes,
it's easy to keep making adjustments.
So I say just go out,
buy a wig, style the wig,
apply the wig, redo the tape,
and then I think we should be good.
Okay. Uh, sure.
Yes.
That sounds, uh, very easy.
Okay, so tonight's
party is in the Hamptons.
Ellen is throwing herself
a big birthday bash
and has agreed not to go
so people can enjoy it.
- ALL: Aww.
- That's nice of her.
Literally everyone is invited,
as long as they're in the industry.
[SIGHS]
And we can't put this off any longer,
so Chase will be using this party
to debut his shitty little rat look.
- [ALL GROAN]
- What?
I know, but now that he's 18,
he legally has to look like
a gross, shitty little rat
for at least one event, and
I need someone to go with
You know, I could be back in
the industry just for tonight,
if you need someone to take him.
But then tomorrow, I am back out.
Well, that's okay.
I'm having Streeter go.
Wait, what?
I get to go to the parties now?
Whoo-hoo!
In your face, Brooke! [LAUGHS]
Okay, that's totally fine.
I'll just stay out, then.
[CHUCKLES] Like I wanted.
Just, you know, trying to help.
Oh, those are for employees.
If you want a La Croix,
you'll need to buy one at the store.
- The store?
- Be not afraid.
As long as there is air in my lungs,
I will tell your story.
You shan't have died in vain.
Cary, yes! This
performance is incredible.
It's even better than
your last performance.
Okay, great! So we can
send that one off
But I'm worried the
hair is now too long.
Also, I'm just noticing
all this green behind you.
The green screen?
Well, I know it's a green screen, Cary.
But these people, they're gonna think
you're on some kind of slime planet.
And I know for a fact they
don't want slime pla
Be not afraid.
As long as there is air in my lungs,
I will tell your story.
You shan't have died in vain.
Oh, there you are! Hi, Cary.
Mom, what are you doing here?
Oh, well, I just thought
I'd come hang with you
at your apartment, no biggie.
Did you sneak away from
your security detail again?
- Oh, Pat Dubek!
- Pat Dubek?
Pat Dubek, over here!
Oh, can you just let me in real quick?
Ma'am, you have to stop
running away from us.
- Oh, dang it!
- It's okay
Okay. The hair is now great, Cary.
But obviously, I can't send this one in.
Yeah, sorry, I forgot to edit out
the part where my mom showed up.
No, she's fun. They'll love that.
- The problem is the background.
- The what?
You're supposed to be in the 1500s.
These people are gonna see a
fridge and lose their minds.
So does your apartment have
any Gothic arches you could feature?
Sorry, does my apartment
have Gothic arches?
Also, your shirt, Cary?
Knights tended to wear more armor.
[RAP MUSIC]
- BOTH: ChaseDreams!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[LAUGHTER]
[SIGHS]
Hey guys, welcome.
Don't worry. She's not here.
[WHISPERING] Please, please, please!
You got this.
We're together.
And the same age.
Hi, can I get a, um
okay.
Yes, I can keep holding.
How was my weekend? Fine!
It was fine. I had a fine weekend.
Look at that loser.
Been there, but not today.
Today I get to actually enjoy the party
and not spend the whole time working.
Okay, rude.
But makes sense. All
industry people are.
Ooh!
Hello?
God, fucking agents.
It's just, what if Ellen shows up?
Oh. Don't worry, she's in LA.
Don't worry, she's in LA.
Okay, I just said that.
Oh, come on, I know I'm
not in the industry anymore,
but it's not like you can't see me.
Or wait, can
can people literally not see me?
Just a reminder,
the museum will be closing in one hour.
As you can see, this museum houses
the largest collection
of 16th-century armor
anywhere in the city.
Armor was customarily worn by knights.
These proud warriors were
given the title of knighthood
at a beautiful altar,
like the one you see before you.
Here, they'd swear the knightly code
to protect the weak
and defend the honor
of the entire monarchy.
Take a second to really
look at this altar.
Isn't it quite an altar?
Now, as a needless digression
a folly, really turn around
and look at the doorway
you just walked into.
Walk up to the knight on the right.
Not the one on the left.
Look at the one on the ri
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[WHISPERING] Oh, God.
Are they coming back? No, no, no.
Really get close to the helmet.
If you get close enough, you may see
your breath fog up the steel.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Call from Mackenzie.
Do you want to answer?
[WHISPERING] Yes.
Cary, this last take was flawless.
Where did you find that suit of armor?
My closet.
Well, this should
absolutely get you the part.
Unfortunately, they
went with Dylan O'Brien.
What? Fucking O'Brien.
Yeah, they decided they wanted a name.
So annoying when they do that.
But at least you didn't need
to leave your apartment.
Self-tapes really are so much easier.
- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, don't forget
you're Zooming with Wes Anderson in 45.
- Right! Shit. Shit.
- [COUPLE SCREAMS]
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
I'm truly sorry for sneaking out again.
Here, I made you some tea.
Thank you, ma'am. That's very nice.
And we know you wanted
to go to Ellen's tonight,
especially since she's
not gonna be there.
But we assessed some high-level threats
and think it's safest not to go.
Oh, I totally understand.
I'm happy to hang here.
Anyway, enjoy your tea, guys.
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
[WHISPERING] Three, two, one.
[THUMPING]
Yes!
Okay, okay, okay.
Pat's on the move!
[RAP MUSIC]
God, I know.
He is such an asshole.
Who? Who's an asshole?
Macey, good to see you.
Hey, guess what.
A bunch of people are about to take out
one of Ellen's speedboats.
- Anyone want to go?
- all: Sure.
- Yes, I do!
- Okay.
One, two, three, four, five.
Yes! We should all fit. Come on.
[EXCITED CHATTER]
[SCOFFS] What?
That is the craziest
thing I've ever heard.
I can't believe DaBaby did that.
He'd better hope that doesn't come out.
Hope what doesn't come out?
What did DaBaby do?
Hello? Hello!
Wait, I think I hear something.
Nope, never mind.
How spooky.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
Oh, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
- Cary?
- Hey, hi.
- Uh, so sorry I'm late.
- Oh, hey!
No, that is 100% fine. This is low-key.
Wes just wants to chat with a few people
- he's circling for the role.
- Awesome.
I have never been circled for anything,
- so this is really cool.
- Great.
Well, why don't you just hang here
in the waiting room until Wes is ready.
Oh, and when Wes comes
on, make sure you are
perfectly centered in the frame, okay?
- Okay.
- Thanks.
[DINGS]
[DINGS]
Yo, am I on? Can you hear me?
[GROANS]
Yeah uh, I can hear you.
Uh, Dylan O'Brien?
- Sup? Nice to meet you, man.
- You too.
You auditioning for
Ambassador to Belgium too?
Yes. It's a small part,
so I thought I had a shot.
But I guess I do not.
I can't even fucking believe
I still gotta audition.
I'm the fucking Maze Runner, bro.
Yes, I yeah. Big fan.
Um, but I think I'm actually gonna go.
Hey, you reek.
[LAUGHS]
- Sorry, I reek.
- Okay, um
You know how long this is gonna be?
- I I
- I think I'm gonna take
a little shower, 'cause
I don't smell great.
And Daddy don't do good
on a stinky audish.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Yes.
Just gonna leave this right here.
You mind letting me
know if they come in?
I'm just gonna turn my camera off.
Uh, okay. Sure, yeah.
Okay, camera off.
[GASPS]
- Uh
- [SHOWER RUNNING]
Whoo!
[LAUGHS] That's crazy.
It's true. Like, it is true.
[SIGHS]
Wait. Can can you see me?
Of course.
Hey, I'm Doug.
Oh, hi.
No one can see me either.
My cousin who brought
me, he works at WME.
But I'm just an immigration lawyer.
So the only people who can see me are
Oh, this is Betsy.
Her husband's a producer
for Drew Barrymore,
and she's a social worker.
For teens.
Do either of you know
what happened with DaBaby?
Who's DaBaby?
- [SNIFFLES]
- Oh Natalie, over here.
Brooke, you got to meet Natalie.
She's a translator who
speaks five languages.
Okay, yes!
Someone hot!
I mean, hi.
God, it is so fucked up that
people can't see any of us
because we're "not in the industry."
Anyway, I'm Brooke.
Yeah, no, we've met before.
I was at the "Night Nurse" premiere.
We actually sat really
close to each other.
Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
Hi, everyone.
My fiancé is about to sit down.
Oof. So right on you?
That's okay, you were in
a different place then.
But now that you've
left the industry behind,
- I'm sure you can probably see
- Bathroom this way.
How it makes people a little cra oh.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
Pitty, pitty, pitty, balls.
Truly, thank you for this.
You would think seeing him
naked would be a letdown,
but it is better.
And remember, when he gets out,
you have to log off fast, okay?
- Promise.
- Yes. No, no, no.
He won't even know I was here.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Hey, you have to mute!
If you're gonna screenshot,
you have to mute!
He's coming! He's coming!
Go! Log off, log off, log off!
Oh, my God, I can't find the button.
- I can't find the button!
- Just hit the X!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- I can't find the button!
[CHIMES]
Camera on.
Yo, what's up? Did I miss anything?
No, no. Just sitting here waiting.
Um, so you could actually
pop back in that shower,
- if you wanted
- Hey, guys.
Thank you so much for waiting.
But unfortunately, Wes has decided
to go with George Clooney.
It's nothing against the two of you.
- He just wanted a huge name.
- Yeah.
So annoying, right? Okay. Take care.
- Bye.
- Wow. Fucking Clooney.
- [SIGHS] Stupid.
- Every time.
Well, good luck with everything, man.
I'm gonna take a long, hard piss.
- All right.
- Camera off.
[PEE SLOSHING]
Nakey pee-pee.
[SIGHS]
[SHOWER RUNNING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
What the
hello?
Is someone there?
♪
Oh, shit.
Help!
I need help in here!
- He's in here!
- Help!
- What's up? What's wrong?
- What's going on?
- Are you okay?
- Why is the shower on?
The mirror.
Someone's writing
something on the mirror.
♪
Oh, my God. Okay.
No one freak out, but I think
Brooke Dubek is in this bathroom.
- What? Right now?
- How freaky.
Yeah, she recently left the industry
but hasn't fully crossed over yet.
'Cause being out sucks, Shuli!
No cool people can see or hear me?
Brooke, if you're trying to contact us,
we cannot see or hear you!
[SCREAMS]
Okay, you know what? Here.
Anyone have any wine?
It's just, I used to be a
35-year-old in the industry.
But now I'm just a 35-year-old person?
That's fucking nothing!
Where is she?
So you know what? No. Fuck it.
I'm back in the industry.
Ah! Oh, Jesus.
Oh. [GASPS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Hello, Brooke.
- [CHIMES]
- Uh, hi. Cary?
Hey. Hi, sorry I'm late.
Uh, my last Zoom ran hard long.
- Uh, it ran long. Um
- Uh, no worries.
And quick Q before we start.
You guys, uh you don't want
a name for this one, do you?
No, not at all.
This is a sitcom pilot for Paramount+,
so we're seeing tons of no-names.
Great, great. And uh, one more thing.
All the sides I got
were for a female
character named Courtney.
Uh, yes, this role was
a woman till yesterday,
but now she's a gay man.
Oh, okay.
Well, I didn't get any new pages.
Oh, there are none.
But uh, it still works.
Oh. Um, okay.
I guess let's let's do it.
Great. [CLEARS THROAT]
"Tegan and her BFF Courtney,
29, hot even with no
makeup, get manicures."
Okay, girl. Dish. Hot date tonight?
Ha! Girl, I wish.
Ever since my promotion, I
haven't even had the energy
to flirt with a guy.
I guess us girls can't have it all.
[LAUGHS] Courtney, stop PMSing.
- You'll find Mr. Right.
- When?
It's not like I'm gonna
find anyone at work,
except Rick, who spends
all day staring at my ass.
God, men are such pigs.
You need a spa day.
No, girl. I need a spa year!
Uh, yes! Wow, that was perfect.
- That was so funny, Cary.
- Thank you, thank you.
We should actually have
a decision for you soon,
- maybe the next few hours.
- Whoa!
Uh, great. Well, thank you so much.
I just gotta run to a party, but yeah
No, thank you. We're such fans.
- Oh, thank you!
- Bye.
Bye.
[EXHALES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Thank you so much. [CHUCKLES]
Good to see you.
[SIGHS]
So who's an asshole?
Oh, Channing Tatum's old makeup artist.
- Yes! Fuck him or her.
- Mm.
God, this is so much better
than talking to some girl
who speaks five languages.
Oh, you were talking to Natalie.
She's my little sister.
Oh, of course you know Natalie,
'cause of Lance.
I sorry, that
Natalie girl knows Lance?
Well, yeah, I mean, she translates
for a lot of his patients,
so they always hang at the hospital.
They have this whole banter in Spanish.
It's annoying.
I never know what they're talking about.
But you knew that, right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Sorry, I want to go
say hi to her some more.
Good luck.
I never can find her at these things.
Right.
'Cause she is now invisible to me.
Thank you.
Cary? Oh, thank God it's you.
- It's not Ellen. We're fine.
- [ALL SIGH]
- Hey.
- Hey!
- I have the craziest news.
- What?
I just booked a roll
off of Actor's Access.
What? Curtis, that's incredible.
Yeah. It's for this Paramount+ pilot.
I mean, it's kind of fucked
up because the role used to be
a woman, and they just
changed it to a gay guy,
but whatever.
The script's funny, they
love me, and I got it.
[LAUGHS]
Wow, that's that's incredible.
I really, that's so amazing.
Um, I'm just gonna
I'm gonna run to the
bathroom real quick.
Fuck, fucking fuck, fuck.
Hey, babe.
- Oh, hey.
- How are you?
Um, you're, uh you're
not in character anymore.
Hooray. Hi.
Sorry, I am, uh
- I'm just having the worst day.
- Oh, babe.
First I got passed
over for all these roles
'cause they're looking
for names, which sucks.
But, like, I get it. They're above me.
But now I just got passed
over for someone who is, uh
for Curtis, which is which is great,
but he's been hosting.
I'm the one who's been, like, acting.
Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
That's exactly how I felt
when my grandma and I lost
our town's annual Christmas
decorating showdown last year.
And I'm sure he was good,
but I thought I killed that audition.
That's hard, which is why this year,
my grandma and I are gonna use
twice as many Christmas lights.
Wait, why do you keep
talking about Christmas?
Oh, no, did you get
cast in something else?
Shit!
You booked a gay
Christmas movie already?
And do we really need to be in
character full-time for that
Shh. Babe, you're stressed out.
Let me go get you some eggnog.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]
♪
Oh, wow.
♪
[SQUEALS]
Hello.
Totally, totally, totally.
That's really cool.
- See you later.
- So pretty.
- Gosh, this party's so nice.
- Yeah.
You know, my security
team was worried about me
coming to this, but why would I need
security at an industry party?
There's no fans, no paparazzi.
Yeah, that is weird.
Anyways, hi. I'm Zack Smith from CAA.
- I represent Priyanka Chopra.
- Oh.
I'd love to set you
two up for a general,
maybe find a show for her on P!
Pat! Tim Downey. I
work with Laverne Cox.
I think she'd be a fantastic fit for P!
Let me tell you why.
Pat, you know who you gotta meet?
He's hilarious. Frankie Grande.
Pat, you know who you would love?
Teresa Giudice's daughter.
I really would love to
get you down for a lunch.
- Coffee sometime?
- Pushing 40, but
- Teresa Giudice's daughter.
- Frank?
- Priyanka Chopra
- Pat, you have to meet
- Nathan?
- [ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
Frank? Nathan?
Frank?
Nathan?
Oh, my God!
She's a Jonas now!
Natalie?
Hot Natalie?
Oh! There you are, Natalie.
Brooke, hey.
We were just talking about
the lack of proper education
Okay, I'm gonna assume
that you are talking,
but I cannot see you,
because whatever you're
saying is too boring.
So I need you to say
something really cool
so it pushes its way
through to my realm.
Are you related to anyone famous?
No.
Okay, I still can't see you,
so I'm gonna assume that's a no.
Have you ever worked in the industry?
Uh, I was once an extra on "Smallville."
Yes! Yes, I see a hand.
What else, Natalie?
What else could make
me see you as a person?
I dated Topher Grace for three weeks.
[ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS]
Okay, what the hell?
I didn't get that when I became visible.
Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry again
for not seeing you at "Night Nurse."
And also for forgetting that
you're Lance's friend?
[CHUCKLES] That's okay.
I'm just glad that you
two are talking again.
He was so upset.
He talks to you about me?
Yeah. I mean, we're pretty close.
And we're both in the
business of helping people,
so we just kind of get
each other, you know?
Uh-huh.
Sorry, I'm being rude.
This is my friend Julia.
Uh, Julia, tell Brooke what you learned
senior year, spring break of college.
That Emile Hirsch's dick is wonk?
[HARP PLAYS]
Okay, wow. You are even hotter.
Julia also knows Lance
from the hospital.
Oh, Lance is such a great guy.
He's so good.
Okay, no. No.
No, I can't do any more of this.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You went out for Courtney, didn't you?
Oh.
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Oh, my God.
- But it's really it's fine.
I'm I'm happy for you.
- Okay.
- I swear.
All right, well, if it
makes you feel any better,
I probably only got the role
'cause of my femme privilege.
I'm sorry, what?
Cary, the role used to be a woman.
They changed not a single line.
Who do you think's getting
that part, you or me?
I mean, is it homophobic to say you?
No. And yes.
But the answer is me.
Well, you're being very nice,
but I'm sure you were just better.
- Yeah, that too. That too.
- [LAUGHS]
But they were clearly looking
for an actor that screamed gay,
which is deeply
problematic for the world
but great for me because now
I'm Courtney No Last Name.
Well, to Courtney No Last Name.
All right, let's get some drinks.
Let's have fun. We're at Ellen's house.
[LAUGHS]
So his name is Courtney,
and it's a pilot for Paramount+.
- Wow. That's so cool, Curtis.
- Thank you, ChaseDreams.
Yeah, I'll have to, like,
check it out when it comes out.
- I mean, wow.
- I know.
We had a bunch of
clients go in for that.
- Congrats, man.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God, you've heard.
- Oh!
- Cheers.
- Cheers, man.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Bottoms up, my dudes! Whoo!
So it's Ashley Tisdale
and it's on Paramount+,
and that's all I know.
- And that's all I need to know.
- That's amazing.
It's fucking hard to get
cast in anything these days.
You should be so, so proud.
- Yeah, you should be.
- Oh, thanks, Car.
Thank God for that femme privilege.
- [SCOFFS]
- Yeah, we were both up
for the role, but, uh, Curtis got it.
Definitely 'cause he was way better.
But then Curtis was also saying
that, like, maybe he got it
because he was more obviously gay,
and networks kind of
want that now, so
- Yeah, lucky me.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- I'm more femme.
- Ugh.
- If you can tell.
- My agent calling.
Probably to tell me I
did not get Courtney.
Fun! That's gonna be fun.
Where is she?
Oh! Shuli?
Um, Shuli? Shuli, hi.
I've been thinking, and I
wait, what is going on here?
Your mother snuck away
from her detail, again.
Go ahead, Pat. Tell
her what you did to us.
I drugged them with tea.
And because of that, now what happened?
I have a general with JoJo Siwa.
Okay.
Well, I guess it's good
that you're all here,
because I love you and Chase very much,
but I have decided
to leave the industry.
What?
Streeter will still represent you,
but I want to leave.
I mean, I don't want to
I actually want to stay, but I just
I I can't.
I have to go.
I mean, I
I need to go.
Oh, honey.
I didn't know you felt this way.
Yeah, yeah, but
whatever makes you happy.
- Thanks, bud.
- Okay, ma'am.
- Your car is ready.
- Ugh.
All right, we're bringing
her out right now.
I really don't want to
have lunch with JoJo Siwa.
I know. I'm sorry, Mom.
Oh, wait. Sorry, Shuli.
Before I quit, do you
think you can tell me
what's going on with DaBaby?
Just fucking go, Brooke.
Uh, what?
This may be a joke to you,
but this is my job, and I care about it.
And frankly, I've spent
a lot of time helping you.
So this quitting, not
quitting shit isn't funny.
If you're out, be out.
- Oh, my God!
- [SCREAMS]
Hi, Doug.
Yes, it is the most
wonderful time of the year.
- Curtis, Curtis!
- Yeah?
Guess what. I just got a role too.
Wha whoa, whoa.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah. Yeah.
It's a three-episode arc on that show,
uh, "Emily Overruled."
Okay. CBS.
- That's prime time, baby.
- I know.
And I didn't even have to audition,
'cause I guess I'm, like,
somewhat of a name now?
But isn't that great?
- We both booked roles!
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
And, um, Lucas just sang the
entirety of "Jingle Bells"
at me, so I'm assuming
he booked one too.
Yes. Ugh.
But he is not playing a virgin anymore,
so now I can take him
home and celebrate,
if you know what I mean, but gotta run.
- Such a fun night.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye, Cary.
- Bye.
- Cary?
- Bye, bye, bye.
Oh, hey. There you are.
I was just gonna oof!
Oh, God.
I'm so glad you're
playing not a virgin now.
You know what?
Let's not kiss.
Okay. What do you want to do?
I was thinking something, uh
something like this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no!
You know we're in my
hometown for Christmas.
What?
My parents are asleep in the next room!
Oh, my God.
Um, well, we'll just have to
keep it down for them, then.
No, it's not safe.
I still haven't even told them I'm gay!
What's this now?
I promise I'm gonna
tell them soon, babe.
Just not on Christmas.
Sorry, so we for real
can't have sex again?
'Cause my my hole is out.
I should probably sleep on the couch.
Night, babe.
And babe?
Merry Christmas.
[DOOR CLOSES]
This is fine.
It's his process.
["CAROL OF THE BELLS" REMIX PLAYING]
♪