The Outlaws (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 1

1
You'll repay your debt to society
by working the number of
hours mandated by the court.

We found it, we're entitled to it.

Are you citing the legal precedent
"finders keeper, losers weepers"?
HE SIGHS
Don't worry, ma'am.
I've got
eyes in the back of my head.

I have this cupboard in my office.

I call it the Cupboard of Chaos.

I gave your cupboard
a little spring clean.

You pissed my company down the drain!
I didn't piss anything,
OK? I'm saving it!
I love you, Dad.

I spent 18 months in a prison cell.

I'm not spending my last
few years in another one!
PC Colin Denison died in that fire.

The guilt won't go away.

Find my money and whoever took it
because now I have to kill either
them or you just to make a point.

PANICKED BREATHING
CAR DOOR CLOSES
PANICKED BREATHING
KNOCKING ON DOOR
I'm in trouble.
I need your help.

Please.

Esme
we've got something to tell you.

Oh, my God.
Did you get her pregnant?
- No.

- No!
- We're friends.

- Yeah, pals.

Anyway, erm, Rani's going to
be staying with us for a bit.

Are the feds after you?
No, I I just got into a
massive fight with my parents.

I told them I didn't want
to go to Oxford and I left.

Oh.
So, your first
thought was to come here
'cos we've got so much space?
Come on, Es.
We owe her.

Maybe.
But she's not having my bed.

Don't worry, you can
you can take my bed.

No, no,
I can't throw you out of your own bed.

Or you two could share.

No.

- No, I'm I'm I'm going stay in here.

- No.

- Right.
Uh, make yourself comfy.

- Mm-hm.

- I'm making food.
Do you want some?
- Love some.

I see you.

Sorry, you see me?
Trying to get in my
brother's Ninja Turtle boxers.

WHISPERING: I'm not trying to
get into your brother's anything.

I left home, Es.

- Hey, Ran.

- Yep.

- Are you ready to try this, yeah?
- Oh, God.

- It's my grandma's recipe.

- OK.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, that's amazing!
- Yeah?
- Mm.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

God, you should open a
restaurant or something.

- That is so yummy.

- Yeah, maybe I will.

Maybe you should eat in one first.

I've eaten in restaurants.

Only ones with photos on the menu.

Ain't you got something
else to be doing?
"Ohh, that's amazing! You
should open a restaurant!"
I didn't say it like that.

- You definitely said it like that.

- No, I didn't!
- You did.

- I didn't.

- You did.

- No, I didn't.

- You did.

- No.

DOORBELL RINGS
Hello, Your Ladyship.
We're
here to film the commercial.

For social media.

I thought that was on Wednesday.

It is Wednesday.

Great.

DOOR CLOSES
COUGHING
What?
It was someone's birthday.

Steve, sorry.
Erm, this is Lesley.

I know you spoke on the phone.

Hi.

Do you think I'm stupid enough to
hide the money in my bedroom, Frank?
I mean, come on.
Would you do that?
You made your point, Tommy,
but let's stop playing.

What's a teenage boy going
to spend all that money on?
Pornography?
Why would I pay for porn?
It's free on the internet.

It is?
You shouldn't have hidden the
money back in the attic, Frank.

It was lazy.
So, to teach you a lesson,
I'm going to use it to
pay off Mum's mortgage.

You know, you can't just walk into
your mom's bank and hand it over.

You have to wash it first.

What, like, clean off the fingerprints?
You must've heard of washing
money, laundering money
to make it look like you
earned it legitimately.

What do they teach you at that school?
How do you wash money?
Smurfing.
Offshore shell
companies.
Casinos are good.

Why?
You walk into a casino,
you buy chips with the cash.

You play for a while,
you cash in the chips,
you get paid by cheque.

Now your money looks
like legitimate winnings.

Fine, I'll take it to a casino.

Great.
You just have to wait till
you turn 18 in two years' time.

Or we could split the money fairly.

Say 80-20.

You're not getting the money back.

But, uh, here's your
plane ticket to Rio.

We both know you don't love
Mum, you don't love me or Holly.

Your tag comes off tomorrow, so
take it and go.

I loved making my own
fizzy drinks as a kid,
and this new deluxe at-home
soda maker takes me right back
to being just eight years old.

Just choose the flavour
of your choice
SODA MACHINE HISSES
and voila.

SODA FIZZES AND SPRAYS
Oh! Fizzy cunt! Fuck!
Was that OK, darling?
Erm, I'm not sure the
client will be totally happy
with you calling their
product the C word.

Do you want to call and check?
Could we just go one more time?
Really?
This new deluxe at-home soda
maker takes me right back
to being eight years old.

Mm, delicious!
I think we got it.

Uh, we did but there was
a naked man in the shot.

So could we just go again?
- No, that was a really good one.

- Yeah, it was,
but, uh, I'm not sure
the client will be happy
with a commercial aimed at kids
featuring an actual man's penis.

Well, just take it out with GCI.

We don't have the budget for
CGI.
This is for Instagram.

One more time, please?
I mean, who even buys these things?
Who has ever drunk a
can of Coke and thought,
"Ooh, yeah, I like that, but
damn, I wish I was more involved
in the manufacturing process"?
One more time for luck?
I loved making my own
fizzy drinks as a kid,
and this new deluxe at-home
soda maker takes me right back
to being six years old,
the year my mother killed herself.

Get in, you bastard!
I think you've got it in the wrong way.

SHE SCREAMS
I think we've got it.

From my analysis, your
production model is the weak link.

It's old-fashioned.

Now, I've identified ways
to ramp up profitability,
but it will involve a radical overhaul
of how things are done here.

How things are done here is how
they've been done for 40 years.

Your son tells me he's
negotiated a possible partnership
with a competitor, uh,
Hilgard Auto Frictions.

My son knows I'll be six foot under
before I do any business
with Graham Hilgard.

Given the state of your finances,
it's an idea that needs
serious consideration.

Lesley, is it?
Can I speak privately
with my son for a moment?
Trouble-shooters, huh?
Another one of your masterplans.

Like taking stolen money.

She's a business
enhancement specialist, Dad.

And she says that a company
like ours that isn't progressing
is regressing.

She's right.

There is a weak link here.

But it's not the production model.

They're refusing to
pay me for the advert!
Well, yes, because as brand ambassador,
your contract states
that you will refrain
- from offensive remarks or conduct.

- I did.

You smashed up their soda
maker, then called it a C bomb!
Hold the lift, please!
That's the lady I told you about.

- The one you like?
- Yeah, what do I do?
Be yourself.

- Thanks, Greg.

- Oh, no problem, Anne-Marie.
Which floor?
We work on the same floor.

- Oh!
- THEY LAUGH
Good for you for cycling to
work.
That's very healthy.

No, no, it's a bad idea.

I'm sweating so much, I
need another shower now.

Oh.
Oh, yeah.
You don't want
to get a yeast infection.

No.

I just mean from wearing the
same sweaty clothes all day.

You know, can create
humid crotch conditions.

Leading to a build-up of fungus
in your vaginal cavity.

LIFT DINGS
- See you later.

- See you later.

Smooth.

Really smooth.

Ah, thanking you,
Greg-a-leg-a-ding-dong.

That's so sweet.
You collect
his dry cleaning for him?
Yeah, we have a little quid pro quo.

He scratches my back and
I don't send him to prison.

He's a joker.
Ignore him.

Come on, then, Greg,
when are you going to ask
- Anne-Marie out?
- Sh!
Anne-Marie? You absolute horndog.

I'm not asking anybody out, all
right? It's against company policy.

I don't care, Greg.
I
can smell office romance.

Er, no, you can smell Greg's aftershave.

"Lonely by Paco Rabanne.
"
Hey, I think it's romantic
that a woman you work with
might be your next wife.

No, no, his next wife is a Latvian
conman posing as a swimwear model.

What about the commercial,
all right? You need a payday.

- Let's sue them.

- You can't afford to sue them, all right?
Your father's frozen your allowance.

What? Since when?
Since you ruined his lawn with your car!
Oh, for God's sake! It's
only grass, it'll grow back.

The Bank of Daddy is closed,
Your Ladyship, all right?
- You need to cut down on your outgoings.

- Why?
Why? 'Cos you're spending
like a crazy person!
Look at this: bar
bills, restaurant bills.

You've been buying clothes and bags
and a Tempur-Pedic cat bed!
A Gucci skateboard?
You've bought two wet suits!
One of them is formal.

Six grand on Uber Eats!
For a year, that's fine!
That was August!
£580 on tarot readings!
I am not cutting out Madame
Orion.
She sees things.

Has she seen that you'll
be bankrupt by Christmas?
No, she bloody hasn't!
All right, fine, ditch the bitch.

I will try and cut back on my spending.

But meanwhile
what's your next move?
To the kitchen to make me tea and toast.

Oh, and spread the jam
right to the edges this time.

I can't believe he does that
for you.
What a sweet guy.

Isn't he?
This is called a beep test.

BEEP
It is used to test the aerobic capacity
of trainee PCSOs like myself.

What's a PCSO?
A Police Community Support Officer.

Uniformed civilians.

Like a supply teacher, but
with less authority and respect.

Not true.
We provide a
reassuring presence on the street
and tackle the scourge
of antisocial behaviour,
- working alongside the police.

- The real police.

Can you arrest someone?
- No.

- Do you carry handcuffs?
- No.

- Can you investigate a crime?
- No.

- Can you Taser someone?
Look, if you've got
questions, Google 'em.

- BEEP - Oh, shit.

You're barely out of short trousers,
where does a teenager hide something
they don't want a parent to find?
Well, my mum's an addict,
so she was the one hiding stuff from me.

First time I stole anything,
I was so paranoid my
parents would find out,
I didn't even bring it home.

So, where'd you stash it?
My locker.
At school.

- Oh.
Hmm.

- BEEP
Notice how the beeps
are getting closer and closer
- together
- BEEP
- but my pace has not slowed.

- BEEP
So do I need to be buying a hat?
Do you need a hat?
I mean for your wedding.

What? No! We're just friends.

Who are living together.

What? As lovers?
No.
As roommates.
It's temporary.

Yeah, well, my mum moved
her boyfriend in temporarily,
so she said, and Trevor has
been stinking out the bathroom
- for months now.

- BEEP
Ah.
Ah!
Ah! Oh!
Right.
Who wants a go at the beep test?
- I'm fine.

- A no on the beep testing, thank you.

All right, fine.
Good luck
with all your heart disease.

BLOWS WHISTLE
OK, back to it.
You still all
have lots of hours to work off.

Oi, you two.
Come here.

So, as trainee PCSO,
that business with your sister
is the last time I turn
any more blind eyes.

Any more trouble from the two of you,
and it's no more Mrs Nice Guy.

If you feel yourself being
pulled to the dark side,
talk to me.
Yeah? Believe it or not,
I used to be a bad girl with
a hot boyfriend like you.

He's not my boyfriend.

Massimo was the hottest boy in school.

Everyone was jealous.

They were like, "Diane, how did you bag
that smoking-hot piece of tail?"
Three words: charisma and cider.

Massimo had a mantra:
"Live fast, die young,
leave a good-looking corpse.
"
Which he did.

- Massimo died?
- Yeah.
He was driving a stolen car,
being chased by police,
crashed into a building site.

Scaffolding pole went
right through his brain.

To be honest, he did not
leave a good-looking corpse.

But that woke me up and I turned
my life around 360 degrees.

Doesn't that leave
you where you started?
No, not me.

I'm paying it forward,
giving you both a second chance, yeah?
So the rest of your
life starts right here,
right now.
Yeah?
Right after you pick up that dog shit.

HE IMITATES GUNFIRE
Greg, what are you doing?!
He's threatening to kill us!
I thought he was flirting.

Do you reckon he's after that money?
What money?
When I stole the line,
I also stole some money.

Why didn't you tell me this?
The less you know, the
less you're involved.

WHISPERING: I was chased
by men with machetes.

I'm already involved.

Wait, you stole the money?
I thought it was yours.

Why would I have that much money?
Because you're a drug dealer?
Why is he automatically a drug
dealer? What, because he's black?
Because he had hundreds of
thousands of pounds in a bag!
Plus he threatened me.

Right? With a real gun.

- Not just his fingers.

- Look, I'm not saying he's not a criminal,
but why does he have
to be a drug dealer?
Why can't he be doing tax
evasion or or art fraud?
Hmm.
You've been painting
fake Vermeers, have you?
Where did you get hundreds
of thousands of pounds from?
A drug dealer.

You fucking fuck!
GREG: You stole money
from a drug dealer?!
Now we're going to wind up in the
desert, digging our own graves!
- There are no deserts in England.

- Well, then Minehead Beach.

I told you that it was dirty money.

You still took it, though, didn't you?
- You took it?
- Not just me.
Them too.

So j-just return the money, then.

What?
We, uh we spent it.

You've already spent hundreds
of thousands of pounds?
I didn't.

OK, at least one of
us isn't a total idiot.

My grandson stole my cut.

I withdraw my last remark.

Did did you spend yours, too?
They didn't give me any money.

They just blackmailed me
into washing it for them.

What does that mean? Is that
getting the fingerprints off?
It means you launder it so it
looks like it was earned legally.

Don't kids in Britain learn this stuff?
I can't believe I'm the only
person who didn't know about this.

You're not the only one.

Hey, guys, what are we talking about?
FRANK: Laundry.

Cool.
So, I don't know
how familiar you guys are
with the movement of the Sun, but
tomorrow night is the Solstice.

So, I am heading to Ergo,
and I want you all there, OK?
- Diane is in.

- Not to be missed, then.

Drinks are on me, no excuses.

Come on.
Let's get ancient.

What are we going to do?!
We could pop down for one drink.

Not the club, the drug dealer!
Have you heard of a con
called The Sasquatch Patsy?
- No.

- What do they teach in your schools?
BEEP
Ah!
HEAVY BREATHING
BEEP
My keys are gone.

Have you looked in your bag?
They're not in there.

My man.

What about your pockets?
Why are things always in
the last place you look?
- Thank you.

- Because you stop looking after you find them.

Grandpa is going to
take you to school today,
so just give me a hug.

Or don't.
And learn lots.
Mwah!
- Bye.

- Bye.

Bye.

Thank you.
Learn lots.

Lesley.
Did we arrange a meeting?
Please sit down, Mr Halloran.

- Bye-bye, Grandpa.

- Have a wonderful day.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Your father has decided
that Halloran & Son
will sell a minority share
to Hilgard Auto Friction.

Well, hallelujah.
You've
finally seen the light, Dad.

Your father will remain as CEO,
but there will be some
workforce optimisation.

I'm here to tell you this is
your final day of employment.

What?
What did she say? Are you firing me?
Your father feels it's in
everyone's best interests
for you to step away
from Halloran & Son.

Step away from Halloran & Son?!
I'm the Son!
- It's vital you don't make this personal.

- Is it? OK.

That's fine, because I'm
also company director,
so you can't do this.

The power to remove a director is
granted to the majority shareholders
under the company's
Articles of Association.

I hired you!
I'm employed by the company.

What's ? What are you doing?
What's going ? This is crazy.

What are you doing? I'm your son!
You're making this personal.

- Shut up!
- Don't raise your voice to a woman.

I'm s-sorry.
Sorry.

I
Why are you doing this?
I forced you into the family trade.

But you're out of your depth.

I blame myself.

Don't take it personally.

It's just business.

BELL RINGS
Sir.
Hi.
Um
could I ask you a question?
Yeah?
How do you pay off a mortgage?
GRIME MUSIC PLAYS
You put this in the recycling bin?
- Yeah.

- How fucking dumb are you?
This can't be recycled.

- Bro, it's cardboard.

- Murked in grease and cheese.

Did you not watch the YouTube video
I pinged out to you about this?
Tramps like you are the
reason the planet is dying.

And why didn't you wash my
car like I done told you?
- Fam, I'm not your PA.

- For real.

A PA would have initiative
and at least one GCSE.

Go put this in the proper bin.

And the door opens inwards,
so remember to not hit
yourself in the face this time.

KNOCKING ON DOOR
What the fuck are you doing here?
I'm bringing you a peace offering.

Is it that fat stack of cash you took?
No.

It's him.

Hiya.

It's nice to see you again.

Why are you bringing this
googly-eyed plank to my house?
Bit rude, innit?
- He's a lawyer.

- I've got a lawyer.

Yes, but I suspect your lawyer
probably costs about £150 an hour,
which means by the time you go to court
for having sent him to
do your community service,
you could be looking
at a ten grand bill.

Whereas his services
will be free of charge,
if we stop this beef and
we start working together.

And do what?
Get the Dean off our backs.

What's stopping me from taking
you to the Dean right now?
Um, if I could take that one?
If anything happens to either of us,
then my associates will
make contact with the Dean
and explain to him how you tried to
Um, what was it again?
How you tried to fuck
him with his own dick.

Which, uh I don't
imagine he will like.

Guess who's back.

Man, not again!
How do I contact the Dean?
How do I contact him?!
You've got a set of balls on you, mate,
- I'll tell you that for nothing.

- Yeah? Thanks.

Means a lot coming from you.

INTERNAL RINGTONE
- Yes?
- Someone wants to talk to you.

He's got a gun to my head, man!
- Who's this?
- Are you the Dean?
Who wants to know?
The arsehole that stole his money.

HE LAUGHS
You've got some big balls.

Yeah? So I keep hearing.

You're the worst thing to happen
to my business since Covid.

What do you want?
I'm just telling you to
call off your attack dogs.

Isn't he in on this with you?
Nah.
Nah, I work alone.

You know, I will find you.

You never heard what happened to
a Brook Hill soldier called Spider?
I heard he got heartburn that put
him in the hospital.
Was that you?
Yeah, man, that was me.

And the same goes for anyone you
send that tries to look for me.

But as a show of good faith,
I'm going to leave your line here.

Yeah? For you to collect
at your own convenience.

Tell him it's there.

Tell him it's there.

Yeah, it's there,
he's telling the truth.

You'll get no more trouble from me
if I get no more trouble from you.

Do we have a deal?
We do.

SIZZLING
Thank you.

Close your eyes.

- What?
- Close your fucking eyes!
Wait! There's no need
for you to do this!
I haven't done anything wrong!
They just came here, man!
I didn't ask for it, mate!
Come on, I've just got a dog!
Please, man, don't do
HE SIGHS
Thank you.

- You're a free man now, Frank.

- Yep.

You can leave any time you want.

Yeah, but Grandpa is going to stay
right here with us, aren't you, Dad?
- That's right.

- Forever and ever!
How would you like to spend
your first night of freedom, Dad?
Would you like meatloaf?
That's your favourite, right?
Meatloaf, that would be wonderful,
but I've been dreaming of sitting in
a bar with a cool glass of beer.

How would you feel if I stepped
out and, you know, wet my tonsils?
I'd feel fine, I don't
know how to make meatloaf.

Goodbye.

TV PLAYS
DOOR CLOSES
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Got it.

Mum.
What are you doing here?
You forgot Mr Snuggles.

You know you can't sleep without him.

Yes, I can.

So, this is where you live now?
Yep.

I thought you were living with a boy.

I'm not living with a boy,
I'm just staying here until
Until what?
Look, we all said things
that we didn't mean,
but your father and I,
we are willing to draw
a line under everything.

So why don't you just come back home?
You can finish your studies, you
can take your place at Oxford.

How many times do I have to say
I don't want to go to Oxford?
But I don't understand why not!
Because it's your dream.

It's not my dream, Mum.

So what are you going
to do with your life?
You going to go out
and get some crappy job
and come home every night
to, what, this dump?!
This used to be our thing.

Every Friday night, get a
takeaway and watch Graham Norton.

Come home.

Thanks for bringing Mr Snuggles.

SHE SIGHS
DOOR CLOSES
SHE SNIFFS
CHATTER
How did it go?
Yeah.
We're all good now.

Really?
100%.

Thank God.

What are you doing here?
I thought I'd come in the club.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, it's a Friday night, baby.

What else am I going to do? Stay
inside and watch Graham Norton?
Stop the press! You came!
Oh, hi! Oh, come on, let's go in.

Look after her, yeah? It's
her first time in a club.

CAMERA CLICKS
You're late.
I got here at 7pm.

People don't normally come
to nightclubs that early.

Yeah, I know, so I discovered.

I just spent an hour watching them
scrape the gum off the dance floor.

Oh, no, thank you, I
don't drink alcohol.

Why? Is it because you're a Muslim?
I'm not a Muslim.

No? Why don't you drink alcohol?
- Uh
- Babe, no friend of mine
is going to their grave having
not tried champagne.
Drink.

Mm.

It's, like, bubbly.

That's its nickname.

I think I like champagne.

Oh, woo!
G-Dog!
Champagne?
- Oh, cheers.

- Woo!
Well, cheers, everyone.

ALL: Cheers!
GLASSES CLINK
Place your bets.

14.
18.
11.

Hi.

Thank you.

Whoa! No, sweetie.

Ha! You've just had your first drink,
let's not run before we can walk.

- Can we?
- Oh, yeah, just
just whatever you
want, put it on my tab.

You promised you were going
to cut down on your spending.

They're my friends.

SHE SCOFFS
Greg, isn't that your lady from work?
It is, yeah.

Oh, hello, she's coming over.

What do I do?
Be cool and say hi.

- Hey, you.

- Hi! Oh
That's fine.

What are you doing here?
Erm, hen do.

Oh, yeah.
No, it is
It's hot in here, isn't it?
It is hot.
It is a bit hot, yeah.

I hope it doesn't create
humid crotch conditions
that could lead to a build-up
of fungus in my vaginal cavity.

Oh! HE LAUGHS
Right, yeah, do you remember
when we were in the lift
and I was talking about
her fanny, her ?
Um Can I ask you something
that's, er, sort of embarrassing?
OK, sure.

Could we get a picture with Lady Gabby?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, hang on.

Is it all right if
Anne-Marie and her friends
have a photo with you, please?
Also, she probably thinks
you and me are dating.

I don't think she does, sweetie.

She probably does, so can you make
it clear that we're not an item?
Hi, I'm Gabby, I'm a lesbian.

OK.
Hello again.

Hi.
So, I'm happy to
have a picture with you,
but would you do me a favour in return?
Oh.
Yeah, sure, w-w-what's that?
Would you go on a date with
my platonic friend Greg here?
You don't need to do
that if you don't want.

Oh!
Come on.

Look who's here!
She's coming! Hi! Hi, Gabby!
All right, everyone smile.

DOOR CLOSES
Oh, he's here at last.

CHATTER
Where have you been? Everyone's here.

CHATTER STOPS
Would you excuse me for just one minute?
I expect he's gone to wash his hands.

DOOR CLOSES
CAR ENGINE STARTS
What do I do instead of Oxford?
Like, in theory, you
know, I can do anything,
but, you know, man is nothing
without which he makes himself.

Jean-Paul Sartre.

With great power comes
great responsibility.

Spider-man.

Exactly.
There's so much I
haven't done or experienced.

Don't tell anyone, but
I'm still a virgin.

Understood.

No, no, no.
I don't need one of those.

Yeah, I used to have that attitude,
and then I got super gonorrhoea.

Front and back.

No, I mean I'm not having sex tonight.

Oh.
Why? 'Cos you're Muslim?
I'm not a Muslim.

No? Well, what are
you waiting for, then?
I don't know.

Well, a lot of guys here.

Any of them making your
fanny fairies flutter?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

He's kind of cute.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, not bad, yeah
DIANE WHISTLES
Do you like sexual
intercourse with women?
Yeah.

Good.
I want to notify you
that we are both available sexually, OK?
I don't do tea-bagging, golden showers,
or reverse anal, but
anything else is up for grabs.

My friend here, however,
is new to the market,
so I want her to be treated
with care and respect, all right?
And I've got the direct line to
Detective Sergeant Lucy Haines
of the Bristol and Avon Constabulary,
so any funny business
- ANY funny business -
and you will be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.

Understood? Understood?
Yes, ma'am.

Good.

We'll be sat here if
you want to get some.

Go.

Didn't picture you two as club rats.

- Just needed to get out of the house.

- Just needed to get out of my flat.

- Gabby, can I throw these on your tab?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Perfect.
Brilliant.
Um, can
I grab two more of those?
Do you know all of these
people you're buying drinks for?
Greg, I've told you, they're my friends.

What's his name?
James.
No, Jason.

Jeremy?
Definitely begins with a J.

- Julian.
His name's Julian.

- Excuse me, mate, what's your name?
Roy.

What's your point?
Is it possible that they're
not your actual friends?
Why are they here, then?
Because they're moochers.

Sucking on the Gabby teat.

If any of my friends
are sucking on my teats,
it's you, Mr £150 An Hour.

I'm not your friend, I'm
your lawyer.
It's different.

You're not my friend?
Well, no, of course I'm
your friend, I just mean
I was fixing you up with Anne-Marie
because I thought you were my friend.

I don't normally help
my employees get laid.

Well, I didn't ask you to do that.

Well, fine, let's make a cost
saving now, shall we? You're fired!
- Gabby, come on!
- One less mooch sucking on my teat.

Happy now?
- You're not serious.

- Deadly serious!
Go on, get out of here, mooch!
I don't need your money!
Go on, mooch! Thank you and goodnight!
Shit.

(MUSIC: Incapable by Roisin Murphy)
How did it go?
Yeah, I did what you said
and he seemed to buy it.

Will it work?
Sasquatch Patsy never fails.

Going somewhere?
I'm on the early flight to Rio.

Huh? De Janeiro.

Oh, you're leaving?
Yep.
Got a few hours to kill,
then cabbing direct to Heathrow Airport.

Could you let me know
when my ride arrives?
Yeah, sure.

One more favour.

Deliver this to my daughter.

What is that?
It's £1,000, huh?
50 for your trouble.

I mean, you could've given that
to her yourself before you left.

I prefer what they call
the Dignitas farewell.

Slip away, no fuss.

It's none of my business but if
you take off without saying goodbye,
aren't you worried your daughter's
going to hate you for it?
Yeah, you're right.

It's none of your business.

Frank, you made it!
Hi! Come and dance with me!
Are you drunk?
Yeah, and I love it.

Gabs, I told you to look
after her.
She's wasted!
Didn't you hear her? She loves it!
I love it!
Oh!
Diane!
THEY LAUGH
Look at you, Diane! Woo!
Uh, can you settle up the tab?
Yeah, sure.
Hang on.

Thank you.

Oh, it's been declined.

What?
It didn't work either.

Uh, guys
I think my dad has
cancelled my credit cards.

Has anyone got any money?
Oh, sorry, babe.
No.

- No.
Sorry.

- Are you certain, mate?
Fuck.

Shit.
My dad is such an arsehole.

Let me get this.

Thank you.

Oh, Frank, you absolute angel!
Thank you.

God, I wish you were my dad.

Who leaves their only daughter
high and dry at one in the morning?
God!
Dick.

MUSIC FADES
Which one is ours?
- This way.

- Oh, OK.

This way.
Go on.

I'm focused on the car.

DIANE: Right, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's all right.
No need to argue.

We're all going to get a turn.

We just need to rock-paper-scissors
for who goes first, all right?
And we need a safe word, yeah?
I've got you down for Heathrow Airport.

Is that right, mate?
Mate?
Where do you want to go?
Whoa !
Kind sir, I I do like you.

- Relax.

- Woo! Oh, God.

- I think you should be going to sleep alone, Rani.

- I don't think so.

I think we should sleep together.

Goodnight, Rani.

Look.
So much room.

Come back.

Dad!
You utter scumbucket, piece of shit,
wanker, bastard, arsehole
shit! SHE SCREAMS
Where's the money, Frank?
I know you found it, but
what have you done with it?
Dad, are you just getting home?
Margie, I'm sorry, I lost track of time.

Well, I'll be honest, I
did, erm, start worrying that
you'd left us again.

No, Margie, I'm here for the long haul.

In fact, around here it's
about time I contributed.

How about I start by
paying off your mortgage?
SHE LAUGHS
Sorry, that is
that's really sweet but, I mean,
you can't even pay a parking ticket.

Yeah?
Where did you get all this money?
For once in my life,
I'm going to come clean.

I won it.

Casino.

Oh, Frank!
You're drunk.

No, I'm not.

That's what drunk people say.

No, I'm sober.

I promise.

(MUSIC: All Time by A.
S.
Fanning)
Is that
Raphael or Donatello ?
Yeah, that's my guy Donnie.

Ninja Turtles.

- What?
- OK.
SHE LAUGHS
What's ? What? Don't judge me.

- No.
It's all good.

- You know they're wavy.

Yep.
Very wavy.

Wait.

Are you sure you want to do this?
Yeah.

No, are you sure?
Yes.

Where did you get that?
Diane.

Please don't talk about Diane right now!
You know I'm happy to be your friend ♪
Till the leaves or the stars descend ♪
But I'm there, I'm here ♪
And I'm 16, standing,
holding two cans of beer ♪
Ugh, so my dad has changed all the locks
and I don't have
anywhere to sleep tonight
and, look, I know you've
got that spare room
No, I did not nearly burn
down the flat last time!
I lit some tea candles
then went to Ibiza!
Hi, is this Izzy's phone?
Oh, my God, why is she in hospital?!
Gallstones?
So you're saying that you're
not happy sharing your flat
but you are happy sharing
my cocaine all night?
So if Izzy's in hospital, does
that mean her flat's empty tonight?
Hey, you.
It's Gabby Penrose-Howe.

We slept together on New Year's Eve.

Listen, look, I know I
said I'd call and I didn't,
but I'm calling now.

Fancy sleeping together again tonight?
Give me a call when you get this.

Ciao!
Hi, this is Lady
Gabriella Penrose-Howe.

We met at the club earlier.

I don't suppose you've
got a sofa or anything that
I could crash on tonight?
Oh, no, I got your
name from the receipt.

Yeah, it's just under
suggested gratuity,
which you may recall I did
give you in full, in cash.

SHE SIGHS
You OK?
Yeah.

Now I'm a woman of the world.

HE LAUGHS
You're wondering what
all the fuss was about?
Actually, I'm thinking
it was worth waiting for.

Thank you for being
It's Thank you.

KNOCK AT DOOR
OK, fuck, fuck, fuck !
Esme What were you doing out so late?
It's four in the morning.

Esme, it's four
HE YELLS
GRUNTING
SHE SCREAMS
No!
KNOCKING
Hi.

You were right.

I have no real friends.

I don't have anywhere else to go.

You better come in, then.

Thank you.

I've had a gun pointed
in my face twice, yeah?
Well, not again.

I want to get clean, man.

I want you to put me in
rehab and witness protection.

Tell us what you know.

I ain't saying nothing till I
get full immunity and rehoused,
and I want to go somewhere nice,
you know, in the countryside,
with fields and cows and shit.

We can't ask our boss for
fields and cows and shit
unless you give us something.

- Like the men who were serving up from your house.

- Oh
Have you head of
someone called The Dean?
Oh, bloody hell.
I
thought you was detectives.

Hey!
Tell us about The Dean.

The Dean runs county lines into Bristol.

For years he's been grooming
local kids to work for him.

Well, from what I've
heard, he's a savage.

And I mean proper psycho.

Tea, anyone?
You're Ben,
nightclub doorman.

And you're Rani,
a brainbox with a scholarship to Oxford.

I know who you are.

I know where you live.

I know everything about you.

Do you know who I am?
No?
I'm the person you stole that
impossible amount of money from.

And somehow you assumed
I wouldn't find out.

We never stole anything.

He's right.

Well, instead of me accusing
you and then you denying,
why don't I bring my
star witness to the stand?
What are you do ? You
sold me out, you prick?!
What did you expect?
You treat me like dirt.

You show man no respect.

Is this about the pizza box?
I told you, you can't recycle
them when they're dirty, bruv.

It's not just that, bro.

You're small fry.

There's no career progression with you.

I've hit a ceiling.

Yeah? You hit a ceiling with
your head when you flew out
your mum's gaping vagina.
That's
why you're so fucking dumb!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, relax.

All right?
Take a seat.
Sit down.

Put your feet up.

Biscuit?
I hate thieves.

Do you know why?
Because they're lazy.

A businessman like myself
works hard for years,
building a nest egg.

And then some wanker who'd
rather sit on his arse that do
a decent day's work thinks he can
just breeze in and take it all.

Hmm?
The only thing I hate
more than thieves
are snitches.

Snitches are like whores.

They'll open their mouths to
anyone for the right price.

HE SCREAMS
- You broke my leg, man!
- Yeah, I know.

- You broke my fucking leg!
- I know!
I need a hospital, man!
Yeah.
Mile End Hospital
is a 20-minute walk.

How am I meant to walk
with a broken leg?!
Very slowly, I imagine.

Fuck off, snitch!
HE MOANS IN PAIN
Now, just so there are no
surprises, let me just make myself
very, very clear.

One of you is not leaving here alive.

Ain't no need for all that, bro.

But there is a need for that, bro,
'cos I need to set a fucking example.

Stop! We'll give you the money back!
We'll pay the money back!
- It's too late for that.

- Please! We'll pay it back and more!
- More? More?
- Please
Please, just, you
can't kill him, please!
No.
Not interested.

- We'll
- What?
- We'll wash it for you.

- Wash it?
- Wash it.

- How are you going to do that?
- I, erm, know someone, a dodgy lawyer.

- A dodgy lawyer?
- Please
- Have you soiled yourself, 'cos I smell bullshit?
No, its not bullshit!
Please, please, give us
- eight weeks.
Please!
- Eight weeks?
How are you going to make that
kind of bread in eight weeks?
Because I'm a brainbox with
a scholarship to Oxford.

HE GASPS
HE COUGHS
Gingernut?
(MUSIC: Far From Any Road
by The Handsome Family)
She twines her spines up slowly ♪
Towards the boiling sun ♪
And when I touched her skin ♪
My fingers ran with blood.

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