The Partridge Family (1970) s01e02 Episode Script

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]
? Come on now and
Meet everybody ?
? And hear us singing ?
? There's nothing better
Than being together ?
? When we're singing ?
? The five of us ?
? And Mom working all day ?
? We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ?
? Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ?
? And it really came together
When Mom sang along ?
? Come on now
And meet everybody ?
? And hear us singing ?
? There's nothing better
Than being together ?
? When we're singing ?
? When we're singing ?
? When we're singing ??
SHIRLEY: I see a Mustang.
KEITH: Good, I can use that.
DANNY: So could I.
SHIRLEY:
I imagine you've often wondered
what five kids do
on a long bus ride.
Well, they usually do something
that's bad
for their complexions
or bad for my nerves.
But this trip,
someone came up
with a new game,
"Highway Bingo".
I call out the cars I see,
and they fill in the squares.
It's a lot like regular Bingo,
except it's nonsectarian.
There's a Dodge.
TRACY: I only got four more
to go on this side.
Oh, I can't win.
Well, why not?
You only have
one more space to fill.
Yeah, but when was the last time
you saw a Hudson?
VW.
Mom, you said
that one already.
I just call 'em like I see 'em.
Did you see that?
You're a witness, right?
Crashed right into me!
What'd you hit,
Mom?
I think it was
a Studebaker.
Bingo!
Yup, she's got it
all right.
You crazy hippies,
it's not enough
you don't trust anyone over 30,
now you're
trying to wipe us out.
You force me
to say something
I don't wanna say.
I'm over 30 myself.
I don't care
how old you are.
You drive like
you were born yesterday.
Can't we discuss
this rationally?
Who says
you're rational?
You can't
even decide what color
to paint the bus.
We did that on purpose.
Of course you did,
to confuse
the witnesses
when you have
an accident.
KEITH: Mom
There's no damage.
No damage?
What do you
call that?
That's an old scratch.
It's already rusted.
Well, the salt air
around here
makes things rust
pretty fast.
Not that fast.
Will $5.00 cover it?
An attempt on my life
is worth more than $5.00.
Take it or leave it.
But since it was
an accident--
I'll get my purse.
It's amazing how logical
greed can make you.
Why do you wanna ride around
in something like this?
What are parents
coming to these days?
We happen to be
the Partridge Family:
stars of stage, television,
and nightclubs.
You may have heard
some of our recordings.
You're in show business?
That's right.
Here's your money.
Big stars?
Pretty big.
Ooh! My back!
Oh! Ooh! Whiplash!
Whiplash! You saw the wreck.
You're witnesses, right?
Whiplash.
Whiplash! Whiplash!
Did you see
that crash?
Whiplash. Whiplash!
[???]
Half a million dollars?
Did you say
half a million dollars?
That's right.
They can't sue us.
We don't have
that kind of money.
How much insurance
do we have,
Mr. Lowenfeld?
Well, up to $50,000,
but you needn't worry.
He's willing to settle
out of court for $10,000.
Oh, that's
very generous of him.
We haven't any choice
but to settle.
Why?
He was fine
until he found out
we were in show business.
There's nothing
wrong with him.
Let him take us
to court.
Well, Mr. Larkin claims
he can't bend over.
Now, there are
some back injuries
that can't
be detected medically.
You can't
detect something
when it isn't there.
Unfortunately,
in this kind of suit,
it's up to you to prove
he's faking,
and you can't do that.
Okay. I guess
you're right.
I'll call
the home office tomorrow
and recommend we settle.
In a few days,
I'll have some papers
for you to sign.
Thank you, Mr. Lowenfeld.
Good night.
Good night.
You leaving too, Reuben?
Well, I've
given you advice
that's ruined
your whole day.
I figure my job's done.
Good night.
Good night.
Mom
Do you wanna hear
what I think?
Is there any possible way
I cannot hear what you think?
No.
Then I'd love to
hear what you think.
I think you copped out.
If what's his name--
Willie. Willie Larkin.
If Willie Larkin isn't hurt,
and we know he isn't,
then he doesn't
deserve any money.
I agree.
Then you're helping him
to commit a fraud,
and you're
just as guilty as he is.
But we can't prove anything.
But you're not
even trying.
You're taking the easy way out.
That's why this world
is in such a mess.
Honey, I didn't
destroy this world
all by myself,
you know.
I had a little help.
I didn't mean you.
I meant your generation.
What's going on?
Laurie's protesting again.
So what's new?
This time, she has a point.
Hey, that is new.
The man is
getting $10,000,
and there's
nothing wrong with him.
Is that true?
Why is that?
The insurance company wants
to settle out of court.
But it doesn't
matter what
the insurance company
wants to do.
The question is
what do you wanna do?
Well, I--
I'd like to fight it.
On the other hand, I --
I'd like to settle out of court.
Mom, you're no King Solomon.
SHIRLEY: There are times
when a woman
just has to get away.
and go sit in her bus.
Reuben and the insurance man
are right.
Why go to court when there's
practically no chance
of winning?
But then, Laurie and the kids
are also right.
If they're both right,
who's wrong?
[KNOCKING]
[TELEVISION PLAYING]
[SHUTS TELEVISION OFF]
Oh!
Well, the lady bus driver.
I just came by to see
how you were feeling.
I expected you
to check up on me,
but I thought you'd come
during visiting hours.
Are you in pain?
It comes and goes.
It's ebbing now.
It only feels
like a hot branding iron.
I'm so glad
you're feeling better.
Thank you.
I'm certain
you'd feel a lot better
if you got a check
from the insurance company.
It wouldn't hurt any less.
but I wouldn't
mind as much.
Well, come on in.
Please sit down,
even if I can't.
You can't sit down?
I can't get up.
Not with the
back brace and this.
But make yourself
comfortable.
I'll just prop myself
up against the wall.
Mr. Larkin,
I've come over to ask you
to withdraw your case.
You gotta be kidding.
How often is a man lucky enough
to get this badly hurt?
Look, you're causing
a very serious conflict
in my home.
Lady, I got nothing
against you and your kids.
Then why are you suing us?
So we can settle out of court!
This is
strictly a matter
between me
and a rich insurance company.
Only if we settle out of court.
I'm not so sure I could do that
in all good conscience.
Mrs. Partridge,
I'm not taking anything
from you or your family.
I'm not even hurting
the insurance company.
They're just paying
what it would cost
to take the case to court.
Do me a favor.
I never had a parade before.
Don't rain on it.
Mm, Mom,
what did you decide
about Whiplash Willie?
Are you gonna
give him anything?
I'd like to give him
an Academy Award for pain.
He's almost convincing.
Well, we all talked
about it last night.
Mm-hmm. What was
your decision?
We decided
it's your problem.
Thanks a lot.
It's not like that,
I mean--
Mom! I fell on the patio
and skinned my knee!
Oh, honey,
let me see.
Well, I don't see anything.
It's there. You just
can't see it.
It's the first time
I ever saw a skinned knee
with skin on it.
It doesn't matter.
It was your patio.
I'll make a deal.
You give me 25 cents
and I'll settle
Chris!
How about 15--
How about a spanking?
Let's forget
the whole thing!
Boy, wounded in action,
and I still can't
get a break.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Well, like I said,
it's your decision,
no matter how much
it affects us.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Finish eating. I'll get it.
Hello, Reuben.
Hi, Shirley.
Where are the kids?
I think they're
out back.
Good.
The insurance investigator
gave me the papers
for you to sign.
What papers?
It's the agreement
to settle out of court.
[SIGHS]
Reuben
I can't sign
those papers.
Well, you have to sign.
Why can't you sign?
Just a minute ago,
Chris bumped his knee
on the patio and he said
if I didn't give him a quarter,
he would sue.
What is that?
He's only playing.
Yes, but children's
games come from
imitating things
they've learned.
Well, he couldn't
have learned much
if he only asked
for a quarter.
Reuben, I'm serious.
I don't want my kids
growing up with the idea
that lying is a quick way
to make a buck.
Shirley, there is
a nut out there
suing you for half
a million dollars.
What about Chris?
He hasn't got a case.
What are you guys talking about?
Morals and values.
What does that mean
in dollars and cents?
The price
of morals and values
has just gone up.
Danny, go get
the rest of the kids.
We're going
to have a meeting.
What about?
I've decided
to join you kids.
We're going to fight
Whiplash Willie.
Yay! We're gonna fight!
We're gonna win!
Strange.
That's exactly
what General Custer said.
I knew you wouldn't
let him get away with it.
LAURIE: Yeah, Mom,
you're doing
the right thing.
Well, being right
doesn't come cheap.
We're jumping
from a $10,000 settlement
against the insurance company
to a half-million dollar lawsuit
against us.
He may ask for half a million,
but he can't
get more than $250,000.
Yes, but
the insurance company
will only pay $50,000.
That means all of us
would have to pay the rest.
Two-hundred thousand
dollars!
It's a very simple
procedure, Mr. Kincaid.
Whiplash Willie
claims he can't bend over.
All we have to do
is get a picture
of him bending over
and he has absolutely
no case against us.
So far so good.
Do you think
it'll work?
Of course.
It's an old formula.
Greed plus opportunity
equals exposure.
Remember that?
I've forgotten more formulas
than you'll ever know.
Now, you know what
you're supposed to do?
Right. Right!
You don't wanna synchronize
watches, do you?
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]
[VACUUM CLEANER TURNS OFF]
Yeah?
Oh, good morning, sir.
I'm your door-to-door
quiz program,
the show for those people
who don't listen to TV or radio.
Is this some kind
of a put-on?
No, siree.
Now, in my hand,
I have a $20 bill,
and if you can
answer this question
in 10 seconds or less,
the $20 bill is yours.
Ready?
It's crazy,
but go ahead.
Name a president
of the United States--
Richard Milhous Nixon.
Close enough.
And here, sir,
is your $20 bill.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right. Goodbye.
Hold it!
And thanks.
REUBEN: And another thing.
When you're
sneaking a picture,
you don't jump out
and say "Hold!"
Actually, Mr. Kincaid,
it's a very good
picture of the door,
and you came out
pretty good too.
That is the expression
of a man
who just threw away
20 bucks.
I bet the CIA
even has bad days.
Yeah, but they also have
expense accounts.
Hey, look,
Willie's leaving the house.
I wonder where he's going.
He's going out
to spend my money,
that's where he's going.
Get down.
Hey, I've got
another idea.
A better one.
By better,
you mean more expensive.
It's only money.
Yeah, but it's my money.
They don't even do this
in comic books anymore.
Anybody would bend over
to pick up $50, Mr. Kincaid.
I thought the point was
to keep him from
getting any money.
Well, look at the
bright side of it,
Mr. Kincaid.
I didn't waste
another picture.
Wait, you'll give me $10
for doing
absolutely nothing?
Well, you do have
to do one thing.
I think I'm gonna
call a cop--
No, wait.
All I want you to do
is drop this box of soap,
and let a man pick it up.
Oh, is this a commercial
or something?
Right, a commercial.
Hey, that's great.
But shouldn't you
be using a movie camera?
I mean, that camera
just takes stills.
Uh, it's gonna be
a very short commercial.
Oh!
Right, now, uh in a minute,
a man with a big neck brace
and a cane
will be coming
down this street--
Well, how will
I recognize him?
Well the brace will
be around his neck,
and the cane will be
in his hand.
Okay, um
Neck brace, neck.
Hand, cane. Okay.
Yeah.
Now, when he comes up,
you just casually
drop this box
out of your bag,
and let the man
pick it up for you.
Ah, then step back
so my photographer
can get his picture.
Photographer?
Isn't he a little young?
Well, that's the youth market.
They won't even
look at pictures
taken by anyone over 30.
REUBEN: Are you sure
you're only 10 years old?
DANNY: Positive.
I guess my psyche
must be 13 or 14.
Well, I see my spies
came in out of the cold.
How'd you do?
Terrible.
Eighty dollars worth
of terrible.
Your son is a rotten spy,
but he has
great potential
taking pictures
for girly magazines.
Honest, Mom,
it was like the camera
had a will of its own.
I think the camera's
beginning to grow up.
You know, the worst thing is,
Willie's suspicious.
He's not gonna fall
for any more tricks.
Sure. He couldn't
have gotten wise
50 or 60 bucks sooner.
Anyway, we blew it.
Now we're sunk.
Well, maybe not.
He expects us
to try and trick him,
but he wouldn't expect
a frontal attack.
We're gonna
beat him up?
Of course not.
The poor man's been hurt.
Why, he shouldn't
even be on his feet.
He-- he needs someone
to be with him constantly,
someone to wait on him
hand and foot.
What a pleasant surprise.
When did you
get into town, Doris?
Only for a week?
Well, we can't waste
any time then.
Why don't you come over now,
and we'll spend
a nice quiet evening
alone together.
[KNOCKING]
Just a minute.
Lady, I've been waiting for you
with open--
Agh!
"Waiting for you
with open ahs."
Maybe he was expecting
his dentist.
Why, the poor
man's in pain.
Right. I have to
ask you to leave.
I don't like people
to see me like this.
It's-- it's not pretty.
But that's why we're here.
We all feel so guilty
because we've done this
to you.
We're gonna stay here
and take care of you
until you can
take care of yourself.
Even if that takes forever.
Hi.
Okay, that's it.
That does it.
Hello. Hi.
Hi.
Sleeping bags?
How can we stay forever
without sleeping bags?
Why don't you
just pitch a tent
and have a revival?
Only as a last resort.
A man with a back injury
shouldn't be on his feet.
Me sit in that?
Well, how else
am I gonna wheel you
into your bed?
I'm not gonna sit in that.
I knew we should've
brought the stretcher.
Now, we know what we're doing.
I've had
nurse's training in school.
And I took first aid
in Cub Scouts.
Wanna see
a square knot?
TRACY: And I had
the chicken pox once.
Hi.
What's going on here?
Doris!
When you said
we were gonna be alone,
I didn't realize
you meant you, me
and your whole
new family!
Doris, let me explain.
Listen
I came over here
for a little fun
not to visit
some day care center.
Oh, you won't notice us at all.
Just pretend
we're not here.
I have a better idea.
You just pretend
I'm not here.
Baby, wait.
Listen, if you want me,
I'll be down
at the YWCA swimming pool
throwing pennies
in the deep end.
Now, that hurt.
["I'LL LEAVE MYSELF
A LITTLE TIME" PLAYS]
? Not long ago
You'd find me feeling so low ?
? I had some troubles
That you just can't hide ?
? No time to start
But livin' far from my heart ?
? I thought I'd take
Another look inside ?
? Lovers and friends
Will come and go like the wind ?
? And there is nothin'
Any man can do ?
? For what it's worth
I'll make a home on this earth ?
? And I will hope
That love will see me through ?
? I'll leave myself
A little time ?
? For some gladness ?
? And even if I don't know why ?
? Tomorrow's gonna bring
The sunshine ?
? To a brand-new day anyway ?
? There's music in the air
With laughter everywhere ?
? And love could be
The reason why ?
? I'll leave myself
A little time ?
? To go a different way ?
? I can't believe
That now I'm singin' a song ?
? Or that I'm laughin'
With that great big sun ?
? No one I see
Has got a worry for me ?
? I'm keepin'
Old Mr. Time on the run ?
? I'll leave myself
A little time ?
? For some gladness ?
? And even if I don't know why ?
? Tomorrow's gonna bring
The sunshine ?
? To a brand-new day anyway ?
? There's music in the air
With laughter everywhere ?
? And love could be
The reason why ?
? I'll leave myself
A little time ?
? To go a different way ?
? I'll leave myself
A little time ?
? To go a different way ?
? I'll leave myself
A little time ?
? To go a different way ?
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
Careful, honey!
It ain't gonna work.
What?
[SHUTS VACUUM CLEANER OFF]
What?
You're trying
to make me like you,
but it ain't
gonna work.
It ain't?
Tracy, don't say "ain't".
Well, I like you,
but it still ain't gonna work.
Tracy, watch out!
Oh!
[SIGHS]
Honey, are you
all right?
Yeah, Willie saved me.
Thank you.
Ah, it was nothing.
It's amazing how suddenly
your back got better.
Not really. Ooh--
Mr. Larkin
Yeah well, how about that?
I'm cured.
In a way,
I'm kind of sorry.
Me too.
LAURIE: Well,
what's money?
You got your
health back again.
I guess I should be
ashamed of myself.
You're a nice family.
And underneath
that neck brace,
you're kind of
a nice man.
You've been so good
to me all week,
I really hate
to see you go.
Oh, you really
don't mean that.
Yes, I do.
Good help ain't easy to find.
Don't say "ain't".
[LAUGHS]
Okay.
Bye, Mr. Larkin.
So long, Danny.
Well, I think
this is the last load.
I guess we'd better go.
Thanks for
fixing my wagon.
Oh, you're
welcome, dear.
So long, Keith.
See you, Willie.
I'm sure gonna
miss you all.
Hey, can I come
over some night
and baby-sit?
That's like going
to a shooting gallery
and volunteering
to be a duck.
I'll take my chances.
Bye, Mr. Larkin.
So long. Goodbye, Laurie.
Take care.
You're welcome
to come any time.
REUBEN: Well, now
you can get back
to being
a serious bachelor.
Why don't you call
your friend, Doris?
I wish
you hadn't mentioned her.
Why? What's wrong?
I just talked to her.
She doesn't wanna see me again.
She says I had my chance
and I blew it.
Oh, no.
You mean
because of us?
Oh, I don't know
what to say.
I-- I'm so sorry.
Me too.
We were gonna
be married next week.
Oh, I didn't know.
Oh, I feel terrible
about this.
So do I.
I really like you and the kids.
In fact, I hate to do it.
Do what?
Sue you for a million dollars.
What?
For alienation of affection.
Like you said,
it's your fault
that she's alienating me
from her affection.
Oh, wait a minute.
If a little thing
like a back injury
is worth half a million,
a broken heart
has to be worth
twice as much.
Come on, let's go.
But I'm willing
to settle out of court.
Come here, kids.
What for?
A million-dollar hug.
[???]