The Patrick Star Show (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

The Haunting of Star House/Who's a Big Boy?

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star,
and I live with my parents.
This is my dad.
This is my mom.
This is my sister.
She's shy.
This is my grandpa.
This is my room.
And this
this is my show.
[light music]
- [grumbling]
[doorbell rings]
- Hello, friendly
neighborhood paper boy.
What can I do for you today?
- I'm here about the money,
Mr. Star.
- Money?
Oh, I don't need any money,
but thanks for asking.
- Wait, no.
No, you big pinhead.
You owe me newspaper money.
- [humming]
[door opens]
[singing loudly]
- Fork over three bucks!
- Aah!
- [shouts, grunting]
I'll be back, you deadbeat!
- Bunny, there's a prowler
on the loose!
[shouts, grunting]
- Mom, have you seen
my ski poles?
Never mind.
- [moaning eerily]
- It's a g-g-g-ghost!
[whispering indistinctly]
You're right.
This would be great on my show!
Look, Squidina,
a real live ghost.
- [moans]
- Oh, perfect.
Let's do
a Ghost Peeker segment.
And action.
- Welcome to "Peek-A-Boo"!
I've just seen a ghost.
Look how big my pupils are.
- [screaming]
- Now it's your turn.
- [moans]
- Peek-a-boo.
- [moaning eerily]
- Daddy?
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Peek-a-boo.
- Oh, Dad, you're no ghost.
Why can't we have real ghosts
in the house?
- [laughs]
Sorry, son,
but we can't afford ghosts.
Haunted houses are
for the rich.
- Gosh darn it.
I want to peek at ghosts.
- Aw.
- [sobbing]
- Oh, cheer up, bro.
I know where to find ghosts
for cheap.
- [speaking gibberish,
- [sighs exasperatedly]
- Do you have a boring
houseguest who won't leave?
- Huh?
- Boo!
- Aah!
[grunting goofily]
- Get a ghost.
- Hmm.
- Are you tired
of sleeping late?
[alarm ringing]
- [shouts]
- Aah!
- Get a ghost!
Tired of meatheads laughing
at your scrawny body?
- [grunts]
- Get a ghost!
We've got affordable spooks,
to haunt your house today.
Just strangle your phone
and give us a call
at Get a Ghost Incorporated!
First haunt is always free.
- Free?
You don't have to twist my nub!
- If you'd like
to make a call, please--
- Hello?
Send free ghosts
to this address, please.
Thank you!
[doorbell rings]
Oh, boy, they're here!
- [laughs wickedly]
- G-g-g-ghost delivery!
These two degenerate souls
are guaranteed
to haunt your socks off!
- Not my socks.
- Yeah,
only if we feel likes it.
- Uh, they're just kidding.
Come on, guys,
you're embarrassing me now.
- Aw, you dropped
your hat, Dutchy.
Here, let me get that for you.
- Aah!
- Welcome to Star House,
Are you ready
to do some haunting?
- Yeah, whatevs.
Where do want us to start?
- Mom's upstairs,
and Dad's in the kitchen.
- One side, please.
Time to go to work.
- One scare, coming up.
Our house is haunted!
- [singing loudly]
- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]
- Huh?
- [chuckles]
- My sandwich!
Come back here.
- Huh?
- Whoa!
- And now for the hot stuff.
Dinner is served!
- That's the best sandwich
I ever ate
- Hmm, this gone stale?
- I hope the other ghost
is scarier than you are.
- [humming]
- [chuckles]
- [continues humming]
- [whimpering]
- Ah, these ghosts are lame.
How are we supposed to do
a scary show with no scares?
[grunts angrily]
- That cheapskate is gonna
give me what he owes me
whether he knows it or not!
- Sorry, kid.
We tried, but your family's
just too dumb to scare.
- Said the worst ghosts
I've ever seen.
I could scare people
better than you.
- Oh, yeah?
all: Huh?
- I bet you couldn't even scare
that guy.
- Oh, I couldn't, huh?
Watch and learn.
- There's probably loose change
in the couch.
Aha! I think I found
a bag of money.
What the heck?
- That's not yours.
- [screaming]
- Hey, I need that!
- What?
We can't compete with that.
That spooky kid is a ringer.
- Mm.
Okay, the haunted-house-show
idea is dead.
We need
another show idea, quick.
You two are gruesome
and repulsive.
we can do a makeover show!
We're taking two uglies
and turning them into beauties.
And voilà.
You're to die for.
- What the--
- Huh? Oh.
both: Look at you!
- Huh?
I wasn't trying to kill them.
But it makes great television.
- Huh?
Wow. We're alive again.
We must've double-died.
- Hey, they sure buried us
in some nice duds.
both: You sweet kid.
You scared us back to life.
- Aw.
- Come here, you.
- You're welcome.
You're hurting me.
both: The Flim-Flam Brothers
are back in business.
- And I think we're gonna like
our new home.
[both laugh]
- Hey, nerdy kid,
get me a glass of water.
- Being haunted by ghosts
is one thing,
but now they're just
a couple of freeloaders.
- [humming]
- Huh?
The Flim-Flam Brothers?
You borrowed ten bucks from me
in 1926 and skipped town.
With interest
and adjusted for inflation,
I'd say that brings
it up to
- And nine cents.
- Sorry, we've been dead--
dead broke!
both: [laughing] Huh?
- You owe me restitution!
- Hey, kiddo,
what's going on?
- Huh?
- [grunting]
- Aha!
You owe me restitution, too!
- Aah!
- Come back here!
- A clam flew away
with my skin.
- I wouldn't be a good producer
if I didn't carry a spare.
- Thanks, sis!
Well, kids, today we learned
that ghosts
aren't scary at all.
They're just
- [laughs wickedly]
- Aah!
- Aah!
- And just like that,
those pesky kids
were scared away,
thanks to
Get a Ghost Incorporated!
And tell them
The Dutchman sent you.
[jaunty music]
- I'm ready!
I'm ready, I'm ready!
Ready to work
at the Krusty Krab!
But first
Sponge smash!
[imitating Spongebob's laugh]
I live in a papaya
under the sea
Sponge smash!
Or a coconut
Sponge smash!
Or a skunk fruit!
Sponge smash!
Stinky! Ew!
- More fruit, Patrick,
more fruit.
Sponge smash!
[laughs goofily]
More fruit, more fruit!
[laughing weakly]
- I smashed all of it.
[grunts, laughs]
- Aw, barnacles!
I got fruit on my lens,
and I missed most of that.
- Oh, no!
We're fresh out of fresh fruit.
Back to the supermarket.
- Aw, man.
- Hyuh?
Hyuh! Supermarket?
Why, back in the 1940s, you
didn't have to pay for fruit,
Fruit was free, and it picked
itself off the trees,
and fell into your mouth.
- 1940s, got it.
I'll be right back
with more fruit.
Boop boop, beep boop bop boop.
- Oh, and I used to squeeze
the fruit juice
all over my face
and rub my butt
in the fruit meat!
- Ew, butt fruit! Yuck.
- And away we go!
Free fruit, here I come.
Ah, oh?
- Warning, warning!
If you have entered
the knuclear testing area,
you are a knucklehead.
- Hi. Sorry to intrude,
but can you tell me
where they keep
the free fruit around here?
Oh, I get it, keeping
it all for yourself, huh?
I understand.
I wouldn't tell anyone either.
No hard feelings,
I'll let myself out.
I said, "No hard feelings!"
I guess you're
the head of the house now.
- Three
One and a half
One and a quarter
Now, now, now.
[banging on door]
The 1940s were boring.
- Did you get the fruit?
- No, but I got something
even better.
- Aah!
- Who lives in this
severed head under the sea?
[knocking on door]
- All right, you two,
time for bed.
both: Aw!
audience: Aw!
- Aw, man!
- Come on, son.
The decapitated head'll
still be here in the morning.
Come on, little girl.
- [sighs]
- Bedtime!
- Wish upon a star!
- [snoring]
- [growling]
- Night light?
Oh, sorry.
- [sighs, snoring]
- [snoring]
- Breakfast!
- [gasps]
I'm coming, breakfast!
all: Ah!
- I've got some serious
hungries in my tum-gries!
all: [angry muttering]
- Aren't you guys eating?
all: [angry muttering]
- Sorry?
- Don't be sorry, sweetie.
You need food to grow.
Who's a big boy?
- I'm a big boy!
And I'm still hungry.
- Pipe wrench.
- [burps]
- Thanks.
- Mm, mm--gah!
Uh, Patrick?
Do you feel any bigger today?
- No, thanks, I just ate.
[watch beeps]
- [gasps]
Gotta get you camera ready.
You're on in five.
Yep, okay.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[old-timey movie music]
Smile, Patrick.
audience: Yay!
- You're on.
- Ee!
Hello, everybody, and welcome
to the "Patrick Show!"
- Hyuh!
I don't know
what's going on here,
but bigger Patrick,
bigger laughs.
- [grunting]
audience: [cheering]
- Ooh!
[muffled exclamations]
- And I'm your host, Patrick.
Uh, what?
- Needle-nose pliers.
- [belches]
- Thanks.
- Whew, I'm thirsty.
Let's take a coffee break.
[pleasant music]
- Oh, what a wonderful hot tub,
If it was actually hot.
- [chugging]
both: Whoa!
- It's hot enough,
but now it's too humid!
- Ew, tastes like mothballs.
- Patrick,
you really are growing up!
- Who's a big boy?
- I'm a big boy!
That disgusting coffee makes me
feel 10,000 feet tall!
- [grunting, giggling]
No butts about it, you're
watching the "Patrick Show."
- When we last left the Sponge
Action Man, he was--
where's my Sponge Action Man?
There you are.
- Huh? Whoa!
[gasps] Patrick,
you're freakishly huge!
- Wow!
It's the new talking
Sponge Action Man!
Who smiled warmly and said
"Sponge smash!"
- Wee! Ow!
Arrg! I'm fruit beard!
- Sponge smash!
- Wee!
Orange you glad to see me?
- Sponge smash!
- Wee!
An apple a day keeps the--
Oh, you know, I think
I'm sensing a pattern here.
- Oh? That banana's huge.
- Sponge smash!
both: [laughing]
- [laughs]
- Oh, what a beautiful day
for a beautiful parade,
huh, Midge? [chuckles]
- Then Sponge Action Man
smashed the banana
with his teeth!
- Sponge bite!
- Ooh, that's looks good.
Patrick bite!
- [laughs]
Hey, this is
a nice fixer-upper!
- You know, Clint,
we have been hosting
this parade for 12 years,
and I have seen
a parade balloon eating
another parade balloon!
both: Oh!
crowd: [screams]
- That's no balloon,
it's a big boy!
- Ah!
[panicked muttering]
crowd: [screaming]
- Loud noises!
- Oh, ho, ho, yes!
This is mindless
entertainment gold!
- Extra! Read all about it!
Military called in
to combat pink monster!
- They were?
- Extra, extra!
We're okay!
- [frustrated grunting]
Why won't you toys stay
where I put you?
- Fire!
crowd: [screaming]
- Cool!
Roller skates!
[grunts, laughing]
- Oh, those were
our best tanks.
We'll have to resort
to knuclear missiles.
- Don't you dare hurt
my big brother!
He's not a monster,
he's just big-boned.
- Bombs away!
- Ow.
Stupid mosquitoes.
- Uh-oh!
- Did you see him grow again?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Patrick must have been hit
with knuclear radiation
on his outside
to make him big.
So we just gotta get him
some radiation on his inside
to make him small.
- I'll try anything
at this point.
Takeover, soldier.
- Atten-hut!
soldiers: Hup, hup, hup, hup,
hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
Huh, hup, hup, hup,
hup, hup, hup!
Hup, hup!
- Who's a big boy?
Who's a big boy?
- Oh! I'm a big boy!
Hot dog!
Hey, where's the mustard?
- Mustard squad,
move in!
mustard squad:
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
- [chomps, swallows]
Could have used some relish.
both: Whoa!
- Aw, I was just getting
- I was just getting digested.
- Plunger!
- [burps]
- Whoa! Ow.
all: [cheering]
- Yeah!
- All right!
- Yay!
- Hooray!
- Yay!
[high-pitched] Yay!
- Mwah!
Who's a shrunken boy?
- [high-pitched]
I'm a shrunken boy!
And we'll see you next time
on the "Patrick Show!"
- Ooh! My turn!
Patrick smash!
- [laughs]
both: [laughing]
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