The Paynes (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

A Surprise for the Paynes

- This nice, ain't it? - Yes.
The whole family back together again.
Yeah.
I wish we left a few of them back at the house.
Uh, you did.
Who we leave? Our twins.
Hello? Oh, please.
They need too many bathroom breaks.
I've never been away from them this long.
I don't like it.
Look, don't start being all dramatic, Janine.
Now, I left my little prize to keep them occupied, just like I did Malik and Jazzie.
Uh, Uncle Curtis.
You left us two nickles.
And you said rub them together.
I was trying to teach you the value of money.
Okay, Mr.
Value of Money.
Can you please explain to me the value of why we can't use the toilet on this thing? Because your uncle does not value our bladder.
You know, I don't know how to take that.
Look, when I return this thing, I want my full deposit.
And if anybody use the toilet, I got to pay extra.
So that it.
Who the hell's that? Who's back there? - Your son.
- I ain't got no son! Come out the bathroom! Hey! Curtis.
You get out of there! - Pop! - "Pop" my ass! Come out that doggone bathroom! Uncle Curtis, please.
As long as he's been in there, let's just leave the door closed, please.
And keep it sealed like the CDC.
- Yes.
- What? Calvin, you come out of there right now! Nobody playing with you.
Whew! - Who's next? - We all pass.
Did you use the bathroom? I did.
Didn't I give you a milk carton? Pops, I'm not going in a milk carton.
You go in there again.
Go on in there.
Go.
I promise, swerve this thing so hard, whatever you put in there, you gonna be wearing it.
Okay, just stop.
Just ugh! Disgusting.
How much longer? Please tell me we're almost there.
Well, should be about 30 miles to the church.
We should've flown.
And who gonna pay for that, Calvin? Pops, this is your uncle's funeral.
Everybody, just stop it.
It's really not that bad.
What I want to know is why you insisted on all of us coming.
We don't know this dude.
I got a surprise for your auntie, and it's life-changing.
And I can't wait for y'all to see it.
Oh, Lord, this ain't gonna be good.
It's gonna be great.
What what are you talking about? What are you talking about? Curtis, what are you talking about? Curtis, I'm for real.
We sitting back here.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Thing is making me itch.
Then sit somewhere else.
Sit where? You want me to sit on the roof? - Please do.
- Anywhere.
- Everything's making me itch! - Okay, all your complaining is really giving me a headache.
When did you become such a diva? - Excuse me? - You heard what I said.
"Oh, this This making me itch.
Oh, Lord.
" Are you really talking to me right now? Because, I mean, you're sitting on a silk sheet on your seat.
Yes, that's because I brought it.
It's for me.
Okay? Only the best for Jazmine Payne.
Well, just be nice to your brother.
You can share.
Come on.
- Share? - Yeah.
Oh, no thank you.
This is for this diva.
Why we even going to this funeral anyway? I mean, the guy's dead.
It's not like he's gonna realize that we're not there.
Pops, when was the last time you even seen Uncle Robert? It was 1979.
- What? - Yes.
- Oh, baby, stop that.
- I remember it, Curtis.
You all were arguing over the fact that he did not pay you your quarters.
And you vowed to never see him again.
You sure made that happen, didn't you? But can somebody please explain to me why we're driving all the way to a funeral for a relative that we don't know? Because Uncle Richard was my favorite uncle.
- R-Robert.
- Um, Uncle Robert.
Right, okay.
- Yeah.
- You remember him, Calvin.
No, I don't.
He the one who used to throw them oranges and hit you in the head with them.
That was you.
Oh, yeah, you right.
I remember him, and he was so nice.
He actually gave us $200 when we got married.
- What? He gave y'all $200? - $200! Aw, man, no wonder you're so wealthy now.
So, we're trying to repay the 200 by suffering 2,000 miles to Florida? Is that it? Baby, don't you like it out here in Florida? - It is beautiful.
- It is nice, Curtis.
But I like the oak trees and the pine trees in Atlanta.
Yeah.
Now, they got pine trees in Florida, now.
Not like Georgia.
Yeah, well, I mean, this a great place to retire, though.
Yeah, it's nice.
You agree? Yes, it is, Curtis.
It's nice.
How many times you want me to tell you that? It's nice.
Said you agree, that's all.
Yes, it is.
And look Look at all that water.
You see all that water? You could get baptized all day in this water.
- We go fishing.
- Curt.
I mean, if we was there, we'd go fishing.
Curtis, you scared of worms.
Ain't nobody scared of no worm.
Uncle Curtis, you scared of worms? I ain't scared of no worms.
Please.
Not since I got saved.
I am saved, right? You said I was saved, Ella.
Well, no, you didn't say that.
- Curtis.
- I must've dreamed it.
Well, look like we're here.
Where? All right, Cousin Joann's house.
Everybody, y'all go inside and get dressed for the celebration.
I mean the funeral.
Where are you going? Baby, we be right there.
I got to take Calvin and C.
J.
- To see something.
- Okay.
Hurry up, Curtis.
I do not want to be late for the celeb uh, funeral.
We'll be all right.
- Janine, open my door from the outside.
- I'm coming around, Aunt Ella.
Won't be late.
Ain't like he gonna know it.
Child lock.
- Hurry back, Curtis.
- Okay.
So, Pops, where are we going? I want you to see the surprise for your mama.
- What is it? - You'll see.
- Look! Go look, go look! - What am I looking at? Go look, and watch your step.
Okay, okay.
Surprise! What, uh What is this? Look! Surprise.
I'm looking.
And I'm surprised you didn't fall through the floor.
Look.
Surprise.
What are we looking at? Me and your mama's retirement home.
- What? - Hello! What are you talking about? This is where we're gonna live out the rest of our days.
That's what I'm talking about.
Think you won't have long.
Hmm.
Uncle Curtis, what's going on? When your uncle Rutherford died - Robert.
- W-whatever.
He left us this house and his business.
- What business? - Laundromat.
Uh, Pops, this is not a nice neighborhood.
No, but they fixed it up.
They fixed it up.
They built a they got a grocery store down there.
- They got - Uncle Curtis, Aunt Ella is not gonna go for this.
Yeah, she will.
You'll see.
I'm telling you now.
That she will.
No.
I know my mama, and there's no way she's going for this.
Wait.
You didn't tell her? Can't you see the potential in this place, man? When we fix it up! Put mirrors all everywhere.
Up in the ceiling.
A pole.
Cover pole.
He didn't tell her.
I thought we were here for his uncle's funeral.
We here for his.
My mama's not going for this.
No, she is not.
Look, the widow and the children didn't even want the house.
So, I bought it from them before the funeral.
Wait a minute.
Didn't you just say they left you the house? They sold it to me for so cheap they might as well have left it.
Oh, and wait.
Here's the best part.
I packed up everything at the old house, and me and your auntie moving in.
And we gonna open up the business.
- Wow.
- You heard me.
So y'all just leaving us in Atlanta? Yes, sir.
My mama said she'll never leave me.
Don't sit down there! I know, I know, I know.
Man.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe Mama agreed to it.
- Aunt Ella done changed.
- Right.
She said she would never leave Atlanta.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Pops, why y'all didn't tell us? I'm telling you now.
No, no.
No, no.
Hold on.
Aunt Ella asked Miss Claretha to water the plants and get the mail.
What? Right.
And she told me the other day to go over there and turn on the lights so people would think we're still home.
What? Why would she do all of that if she was packing up all her stuff and never coming back? I don't know why she'd do that.
- Wait.
- Yes? - Uncle Curtis.
- Huh? - Pops.
- Yes? Does Mama know about all of this? Yeah, she know.
She don't know.
She'll know when I tell her.
Wait, so you mean to tell me you sold all your things? You don't listen.
I didn't sell it.
I packed it up.
It'll be here tomorrow.
"Here" where? Here here.
To this place? Yes.
- He can't be serious.
- Y'all trippin'! All this place needs is is a little fixing up.
That's it.
And a little a little paint.
A little more color on the gang signs.
Little sweeping.
That's when I wish you was here.
- Little trimming.
- Hey.
New numbers.
Hey, hey.
- Pops.
- Lights.
Can I have your truck? What? When you die today.
That's all I want you to leave me.
You just gonna be a hater your whole life, ain't you? You ain't never gonna let it go, are you? You got the keys right now? No.
I don't know if they got a big enough casket for you.
I don't need one.
I'm gonna wrap myself up.
And fly-y-y-y! It was a lovely service.
And I'm so glad you're gonna be around.
What? She talking about in spirit, baby.
What is she talking about? You know she be hitting that sauce.
Curtis.
Well, I would love to just We have so many people in need here at the church.
We need a good, strong leader like you.
Well, thank you.
- But I live in Atlanta, and so - Well, now you O-okay.
That's enough talking.
All right, Cousin Joann.
Good to see you.
Thank you, bye.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- All right.
See you later! - Bye.
Almost got busted.
What is she talking about? Baby, I told you.
You know she on that bottle.
- Okay, can we go now? - Yes, please.
Come on.
We got a long ride and I got to get back to a date.
Come on, y'all.
Yeah, okay.
I just need to make one stop.
The one stop that'll end it all.
I got to say, Curtis, when you said you were gonna drive all the way to Florida in this R.
V.
, I was skeptical.
Yeah.
You sure was, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, really.
All the way.
Wait till you find out what he did.
C.
J.
, you want to get out? No.
No, no, I got to see this.
Well, you gonna get run over.
Keep it up.
Trying to throw me under the bus.
You gonna get run over by a bus when she finds out.
Finds out what? Baby, it's not good.
It's it's It's not good at all.
What is it? You'll see.
That was a lovely funeral.
I mean, she laid him to rest.
Didn't he Didn't he look natural? - He did.
- He looked so natural.
Hair looked good.
- It did.
- Everything.
But you know who looked the best? My baby.
- You look so good there, baby.
- Curtis, stop.
Baby, I'm not playing with you.
- Okay.
- All that black on.
- You have me back in the day.
- Curtis.
Back when we used to wear black all the time.
- You look good, baby.
- Thank you.
- You do, too.
- My lovely sweet.
Curtis.
And you know, you know you lost weight.
- You lost weight.
- I know.
Baby, you have.
I mean, I know I done lost weight, but you done lost weight.
Even your ankles ain't swollen no more.
Curtis, my ankles were never swollen.
They really not swollen now.
Shut up.
Why you being so nice to me? Oh.
I'm always nice to you, Ella.
Oh, go ahead and tell her, Pops.
Hush.
- What's going on? - Tell her.
Shh! Aunt Ella.
Uncle Curtis has something he wants to tell you.
Shut the door! Don't trip.
Can somebody please just say what it is? Are you Uncle Curtis? You know what? All I know is I want to get off this R.
V.
Wasn't this fun? - This fun.
- Yeah.
A funeral.
Fun.
Wee! I have to say, it was really nice having the whole family together, even if my babies couldn't be here.
It's really sweet, a road trip.
Looks like we'll be taking a lot more of these.
What? See Pops.
But Aunt Ella will be right across the street from us.
Right, Uncle Curtis? - What are y'all talking about? - Baby, they just talking about how nice it is all the family back together.
Except Calvin.
What? Been to divorce court lately? You in divorce court more than a divorce lawyer.
- Will you stop it? - I'm just saying.
One good "shut up" deserves another.
And you still won't shut up.
Why don't you shut up? Then then I'll shut up.
How about that? Well, you gonna be doing a lot of talking once Mama finds out that you Curtis! I'm sorry, baby.
There was an idiot in the road.
No, the only idiot is behind the wheel.
- You know what? - Yo, bro.
Baby, please, just don't poke the bear.
Right, 'cause that's a big ol' bear you're poking.
I heard that.
Ooh, I'm scared.
Jaz.
- Oh, no! - What? We're going through another dead zone.
I think it's actually nice that we're spending time with the family and off of these devices.
- Right.
- You too, Calvin.
Oh, oh, I was checking on my kids.
Yeah, if your kids' names is Bae and Stella.
Curtis.
Curtis, baby, this is not the way to the freeway.
- I'm taking a shortcut, baby.
- Through this neighborhood? This neighborhood is not nice at all.
- Lock the doors.
- Oh, please.
We black.
Stop it.
We black without weapons.
Why do you have to go this way? Because I told you, baby, I got a surprise for you.
- That's what you calling it? - That's what he said.
What is going on? Curtis, we have a nine-hour drive home.
Let's get to the freeway.
You're closer to home than you think.
Curtis! - Sorry.
Keep it up.
- Come on, baby.
I don't know why you getting mad at me.
We're here.
Okay, y'all, come on.
- Get out.
- Mnh-mnh.
No.
You better get out! Everybody, come on, get out! Everybody come on.
Janine.
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Don't look, don't look.
Welcome.
Curtis, what is this? A haunted house? You all hear that? I think I can hear the ghost of the past.
Nope.
Those will be the gunshots of your future.
- Okay.
Okay, honey, listen.
- You shut up.
- Shut your - You shut up.
Listen.
I'm tired and I'm ready to go home.
My feet hurt from these heels.
Baby, you ain't got on no heels.
We are home, baby.
We home.
What What you talking about? What? Surprise! Baby, I bought it! This us! Baby, I bought this bee-at! Curtis, what are you talking about? I bought this house, baby.
This our house now.

Next Episode