The Ranch (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

Back Where I Come From

[theme music playing.]
[country music playing on stereo.]
[engine stops.]
[dog barking.]
Rooster, you home? [Rooster.]
Yes, sir.
Living room! I thought you were gonna take a look at that tractor and try and see what was Check it out.
Colt's home.
What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were up in Canada playing amateur's football.
Uh, semi-pro.
Yeah, I was playing for the Saskatoon Cold.
It's like the Miami Heat, except you know, cold.
Yeah, we know.
We also heard you got arrested for flashing Shania Twain while you were up there.
How'd you even hear about that? [chuckles.]
It was in the paper.
"Former high school phenom Colt Bennett shows Shania his Twain.
" First time you made the front page since the state finals.
I put it on the fridge.
All right, listen to this.
I They got this hotel up there made entirely of ice, okay? And so, I'm a little drunk, and I and I see this sweet ice sculpture of Wayne Gretzky.
And naturally, I think, I could take a wizz on him.
It's like when you go to the fancy restaurant and they put the ice in the pisser.
You know, you get to spray it up and melt it down.
[Colt chuckles.]
So, I'm taking a piss in The Great One's mouth.
And I almost got a hole all the way through the back of his head.
He shoots, he scores.
When I slip Bam! I slide balls first into Miss Shania Twain.
Did she look down and say, "That don't impress me much"? No.
She said, "That makes me feel like a woman.
" What are you doing here? What? Can't just stop in and say hi to my family? I remember last time you stopped by.
Said you were done with football.
You wanted to start helping out around here.
How long ago was that, Rooster? About six years? Yes, sir.
It was on my birthday.
We were all supposed to go to dinner but you guys just fought the whole time.
Hey, I got ten bucks anyone in here knows how old I am.
Then you snuck out of here in the middle of the night.
Took your brother's truck.
- Left the damn gate open.
- Okay, that wasn't my fault.
Rooster was chasing after me yelling, "That's my truck!" And so, I just assumed he was gonna close it.
Our cows were all over town.
I found one of 'em standing in the Sizzler parking lot just staring at a poster of a rib-eye.
I'm 35.
What the fuck's on your feet? They're boots.
Those are not boots.
They're Uggs.
That's Australian for "boots.
" They're ladies' shoes.
Well, Tom Brady wears 'em.
Yeah, well, Tom Brady gets away with a lot of shit.
You know what? That's You made fun of my clothes, you made fun of my career, you made fun of my childhood.
You got anything else you wanna take a shot at? That's a stupid haircut.
All right.
You know what? This was a bad idea.
I can't stay here with him, he's impossible.
Same old Colt, "I can't stay here, he's impossible.
" "I can't stay in this school, the coach won't let me start.
" "I can't stay with this girl.
She doesn't like it when I cheat on her.
" Well, speaking of women who don't like being cheated on, how's Mom doing? All right, this is getting good.
I'm gonna grab a beer.
No punches till I get back.
Don't go making accusations when you don't know the whole story.
Oh, really? What's the whole story, Dad? That's none of your damn business.
There we go.
There we go.
Why are you here? I got a tryout with a new semi-pro team in Denver.
And I just need a place to stay for a couple days.
As soon as I make the team, I'm out of here.
Are you kiddin' me? Are you still chasing this dream? I'm a football player.
You're not a football player, Colt.
You're a guy dreamin' about being a football player.
You're 34.
Oh, sure, you know how old he is.
Uh, 34 is still young to be a quarterback.
That's your three concussions talking.
I don't remember three concussions.
You know, has it ever crossed your mind that you might not be right about everything? 'Cause you were just as sure when you said the moon landing was fake.
A flag cannot ripple in the vacuum of space.
Well, you're wrong about me.
I can still make it.
I just need a chance.
Every opportunity you've had I'm talking about high school, college, and the pros you've either smoked it or drank it or screwed it away.
Well, next time it'll be different.
They ought to put that on your tombstone.
"Here lies Colt Bennett.
Next time it'll be different.
He died wearing lady boots.
" [indistinct chatter.]
Seriously? I can't even shut a truck door right? I'm sure you could.
Why you choose not to is beyond me.
Hey, I'm gonna hit the head.
But in case you guys run out of things to fight about Colt's jeans cost 85 bucks.
What kind of dipshit pays 85 bucks for a pair of jeans? My work is done.
Hey, bartender can we get a couple of cold ones, please? Not a chance, Beau.
Not even for your favorite son? Colt? [laughs.]
Hi, Mama.
Don't you "Hi, Mama" me.
Give me a hug.
- Aw! [grunting.]
- [squeals.]
You're a sight for sore eyes.
Especially now since you cut your hair and shaved off that stupid goatee.
Oh, no.
That was a playoff beard.
You know I can't grow here.
You ready for your tryout? You knew about this? Yeah, I stay in touch with my son.
You should try it.
Can we just get those beers? You have any complaints about the service, take it up with the owner.
The owner's kind of a pain in my ass.
That's why the owner lives in her own Airstream now.
What time you leaving tomorrow? Oh, early.
Tryout's at 2:00.
About the time I'll be getting a beer.
Once you're on that team, I'll make the drive every Sunday.
Oh, uh, the games aren't on Sunday.
Sunday's reserved for the high school girls' lacrosse team.
Phew! I just had me one of them pees that's better than sex.
You know, a pee-gasm.
You know, it's possible you're not having sex right.
Well, it's also possible you're not peeing right.
- Hey, Ma, could you grab me a beer? - Sure, darlin'.
Hank, I'll give you five bucks for that beer.
Cheers, Maggie.
Come on.
Let's grab a table.
Oh, yeah, good, just the two of us.
Sit and talk for a while.
Would you like a beer? Ma, I got a tryout tomorrow.
Make it a whiskey.
- You look good, Ma.
- I'm all right.
I got my health, the bar keeps me pretty busy and it's filled with a bunch of drunk guys I can take advantage of if I want to.
You can start with me.
I said, "If I want to," Hank.
- How's it going with your dad? - Hmm.
Remember how he reacted when Obama got elected? It was worse than that.
Stupid question.
What the fuck's on your feet? Tom Brady wears 'em.
Looks like Marcia Brady wears 'em.
All right, give this to your brother.
And don't touch any of the waitresses.
Hey, Alicia came on to me.
She saved a horse and rode a cowboy.
Aren't you Colt Bennett? - Do you work here? - No.
Then yes, I am.
[both breathing heavily.]
I can't believe I'm in Colt Bennett's bedroom.
I can't believe I'm here, either.
How old were you in that picture? Uh, that was high school.
So, uh, 17? You were really hot.
- [grunts.]
- [gasps.]
- Duh.
- [chuckles.]
Is that your national championship ring? Yep.
Florida State.
I was six.
Oh, '99 So that'd make you born in '93.
Carry the one.
And that would make you 24? - I'm 22.
- [scoffs.]
Even better.
I'm about to have sex with a national championship quarterback.
Uh, the backup to the backup quarterback.
You know, now seems like a bad time to be honest.
Backup? But you were the best ever.
Yeah, the coach had it out for me from day one.
- Why? - 'Cause I didn't show up till day three.
And I slept with his daughter on day four.
But - [knock on door.]
- [Beau.]
She's 22! Hi, Mr.
Dad, this is Heather.
I know Heather.
How's your mom? She's good.
She says, "Hey.
" She's a fine woman.
Top-notch bowler.
Put your clothes on, I need a hand.
Wha seriously? One of the cow's water just broke and she's calling your name.
Let's go.
Heather good seeing you.
Tell your mom Beau says "Hey" back.
[Heather chuckles.]
Oh, actually, those are my Uggs.
- How's she doin'? - It's a breech.
Oh, damn it.
All right, Colt.
Get over here and wash your arm.
What? [stammers.]
Why do I got to put my arm in her? Why can't Rooster do it? Because he's not good at it.
Of course I'm good at it.
Last time, you lost your watch in there.
Who cares? It's waterproof.
- Come on, Colt.
Hustle it up.
- I'm coming.
God, wait, why can't you hook her up and I'll just pull the rope? You know, that's the beauty of having somebody beggin' for a place to stay.
You can't ask 'em to pay rent, but you can ask 'em to stick their arm up a cow's address.
So, come on.
All right, Carla.
- [Carla mooing.]
- Here we go, girl.
You're gonna be fine.
You don't have to make love to her, just get the calf out of there so we can raise it and slaughter it.
Ew! Forgot how warm it is.
- All right, I got her legs.
- [Beau.]
Feet will be right at the end of those.
Thank you, I know what I'm doing.
God, do I look like an idiot? Well, you're shoulder-deep in a cow and ankle-deep in her shit, so Man, my Uggs.
Hey, if you feel a Timex up in there, grab it for me, huh? You know what? You can't see it, but I'm flippin' you the bird right now.
All right, one loop for each foot.
- Come on.
- Yeah, I got it! Oh, you got it? Well then start pulling! You know, did it ever occur to you to encourage me instead of riding me all the time? If I rode you, it was 'cause you were the only one in this family that had any smarts or talent.
Standing right here, Dad.
I'm aware of that, Jameson.
[Carla mooing.]
We all sacrificed so you had a chance to succeed.
But you weren't willing to work for it.
So, here we are! You know, where do you get off being so high and mighty when you can barely pay the bills around here? Who told you that? I'm allowed to say things.
I'm a person.
I'm gonna go hang out with Heather.
So, is it true? You in trouble? It's not my fault.
It's that other bastard.
- What other bastard? - God.
There hasn't been a decent rain around here in over a year.
It's hard to raise grass-fed cattle when there's no grass.
That ain't God, Dad, that's global warming.
Global warming's a bunch of crap Al Gore made up to sell books to Californians.
Besides, what do you care? You haven't been around this family the last 15 years.
Why do you think I left, Dad? Because of you.
Well, why are you here now? Oh, that's right, you got no place else to go! Go to hell! Ah, it ain't breathing.
Hell, I'll get the epinephrine.
I'll give her CPR.
That's not gonna work.
Damn, this is the last thing I need.
You're wasting your time.
[calf mooing.]
Wasting my time.
Well, it worked.
He's up.
I'll be damned.
Come here, buddy.
Rooster, we are the proud parents of a beautiful 85-pound boy.
It was incredible.
That calf was born still.
I gave it CPR and I brought it back to life.
Wow, Colt.
You had your arm up a cow and made out with a calf.
You know, you diddle a chicken, you're in the farmer's Hall of Fame.
I'm gonna go back out and check on him, make sure that calf is sucking.
Colt good job.
- Did he just - Yeah.
He just said, "Good job.
" And then I think he felt nauseous and went outside to get some air.
I think the last time he told me "good job" was when I learned how to walk.
I think his exact words were "Jesus, finally.
" You know what you should do to really mess with him? Go outside, look him straight in the eye, and say "I love you, big fella.
" Yeah, then you can go tell him you're a Democrat.
[both laughing.]
Oh, God.
I don't think washing helped at all.
Yeah, that smell never really goes away.
You know, my advice is when it comes to putting body parts into livestock, you always wanna use the same arm.
This one is for pregnant cows and constipated horses.
This one for eatin', whistlin' and shakin' hands.
Unless I don't like the guy, and then I use this one.
Yeah, that was not the vagina I thought I'd be in tonight.
You know, all in all, it was a good day.
Even prison's fun when you're just visitin'.
You get to talk on that phone.
Lady next to you puts her boobies up against the glass.
[Colt chuckles.]
If it's so bad here, why don't you just leave? You're kidding, right? After you left, that wasn't much of an option.
Dad needed someone here to help him run the ranch.
So you felt like you were stuck? Well, you must think I'm Spoiled? Selfish? Irresponsible? Kind of a wuss? Okay.
I was gonna say "selfish" but Conceited? Stubborn? Full-blown alcoholic? But [sighs.]
you were a hell of a football player.
And you had to go.
I was proud of you.
You're my little brother, amigo.
Thank you.
You know, I'm proud of you, too.
[scoffs softly.]
Yeah? For what? You know, I really didn't think there was gonna be a follow-up question.
All right.
Well, I'm gonna go outside and help Dad with Carla.
Unless, of course, you want to? Oh, no.
You do it.
I can't make eye contact with her for a while.
Mom? Oh, hey, Colt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing here? Your father.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You and Dad still Every time I see your father, we fight.
And every time we fight, we end up f All right! All right! I got it.
Oh, if it helps, we weren't facing each other.
No, that does not help at all! - Do you want some coffee? - Sure.
Oh, man.
Whoa! What are you doing? Oh, Carla had a breech birth last night.
So I had to stick my arm up her Got it.
If it helps, we weren't facing each other.
That's cute.
Soap and water won't do it.
Need some Tabasco, tomato juice, a stalk of celery and vodka.
That's a bloody Mary.
Right, you have four of those, you won't care how your arm smells.
You ready for your tryout? [inhales deeply.]
Yeah, I think so.
I'm a little nervous.
Well, that's good, right? It means you still care.
How about I make you that pre-game pasta you used to like? [chuckles.]
Thanks, Mom, I'm not a kid anymore.
How about a pancake with a whipped-cream face? Oh, yes, please.
Blue skies.
God, I never thought I'd hate blue skies.
You know, I don't think it's rained here since you left.
Dad told me it's been kinda rough around here.
"Kinda"? You up to speed on everything here? - Well, obviously not.
- [sighs.]
This is the worst year that anybody can remember.
I mean [sighs.]
he even had to let Pedro go.
So, it's just him and Rooster? Oh wait.
He's not gonna lose this place, is he? I mean, that'll kill him.
Keeping this place is killin' him.
He's been out there for hours already.
He hardly ever sleeps.
Sorry can't put the face on the pancake.
Your father and I used all the whipped cream up last night.
[Colt sighs.]
- Looked good out there, Bennett.
- Oh, hey, thanks.
Just taking it one play at a time.
Figure if I give it 110% Cut the crap.
This isn't a press conference.
How's the shoulder? Yeah, it's a little sore.
Nothing three Vicodin and a couple of shots of whiskey can't take care of, huh? Funny.
Yes, that was a joke.
Think you can make it through a whole season? I can if it means you got a spot for me.
You're Colt Bennett.
In these parts, you're still a big deal.
Nothing else, you'll sell tickets.
And by that, I mean every player has to sell at least ten tickets per home game.
What's the starting salary? Two hundred and fifty a game.
You start, it's a bonus of 50.
If we win, you get another 50.
Are you kidding? I got paid more than that for playing in college.
Another good one.
Yes, that was also a joke.
Look, I know it's not the big time, but the quality of play is pretty decent.
And occasionally NFL scouts do come to these games.
It's a long shot Yeah, no, I get it.
You can't win the lotto if you don't buy a ticket, right? That's the attitude.
First practice, Wednesday at 11:00.
Extra 15 bucks if you come early and line the field.
Oh, thanks.
Can't wait! [grunts softly.]
Oh, damn, Carla.
Yeah, it needs a new head gasket.
All right, I'll order one online.
We'll go over to Henderson's to get one.
If they don't have it, we'll go someplace else.
No, Amazon will have it here in 24 hours.
See? That's what's wrong with your generation.
Oh, good.
I was wondering what's wrong with us.
You're a bunch of lazy bastards.
You never wanna leave the house.
What're you gonna do when North Korea comes knocking on the door? You gonna order a gun on Amazon? No, I'm gonna go to the gun rack in the truck or the gun rack next to the fridge, or the gun rack in the bathroom, or the second gun rack in the bathroom.
- Hey.
- [Rooster.]
Hey, how'd it go? Yeah, it could've gone better.
What do you mean "It could've gone better"? [drops bag.]
I mean I didn't make it.
Damn, Colt.
I'm sorry.
You know what you could do? Strap on those Uggs and try out for cheerleader.
Screw you.
So anyway, I don't know what my next step's gonna be but I thought, if it's all right with you, I could stick around here for a while.
You're serious? Yeah.
Guess you were right.
I'm done with football.
Wow, I didn't realize I'd raised a quitter.
Really? You've been telling me to give it up for years.
You've got no sense of humor at all.
Look, for what it's worth I'd be happy having you around here and I'd rather not see you cripple yourself.
You just said something nice to him.
And yesterday you said "good job.
" Are you dying? [chuckles.]
One more thing.
Where'd you get this? Sold my championship ring.
Figure all the money you gave me over the years, it's the least I could do.
No, thanks.
Uh, Dad, we could use that money.
Yeah, I want you to have it.
Do I look like some kind of charity case? Oh, come on.
I'm just trying to help.
We've got a country full of people with their hand out.
All I want is what I earn.
All anybody is gonna do for me is dig [all.]
a six-foot hole in the ground and drop me in it.
Well, it ain't gonna be here 'cause you're about to lose this place.
This place isn't yours to save.
Just swallow your pride and take the damn money! Not gonna happen.
God, you are such a stubborn old son of a bitch! Listen, son I'm not too old to kick your ass.
It's like my birthday all over again.
You don't wanna start this with me, Dad.
I didn't start this.
You did.
- Don't touch me.
- All right, relax, guys.
I started this? I started this? You drove me out of here! And then you drove Mom out of here! Hell, I left the gate open, even the cows tried to get away from you! You're standing awful tall for a man who came - crawling back on his hands and knees! - Hey.
Hey! - You - Hey! [both shout.]
What? It's rainin'.
Screw you, Al Gore! [thunder cracking.]
Couldn't have just told Dad you wanted to stay? What are you talking about? I know you made that team.
Uh, no I didn't.
When you got cut from that team in Alaska you punched out the mascot.
Well, that mouthy penguin had it coming.
He kept telling the coach I was drunk at practice.
Were you? That's not the point.
The mascot's job is to support the team.
You have the worst temper.
If you didn't just make that team, there is no way you'd be this calm right now.
All right, don't tell Dad.
If it doesn't make you look like an ass, it's none of his business.
Isn't this fantastic? Well, it's a start.
Everything's getting a drink including me.
You know, if someone took a picture of us they'd never know how fucked up we really were.
[all chuckle.]
Well, to the Bennetts.
The Bennetts.
You know, I just wanna point out that the rain did not arrive until I did.
So so, maybe I'm the good luck charm this family needs.
- [lightning crackling.]
- [chuckles.]
The barn's on fire.
[bluegrass music playing.]

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